=Her equation is not in balance= This was Linna; speaking for the first time. Linna was not exactly in charge of Tuulen Station; she was more like a senior partner. Parikkal and Silloin had overruled her before-least I thought they had.
"What do you expect me to do? Wring her neck?"
There was a moment"s silence-which was not as unnerving as watching them eye me through the window; their heads now perfectly still.
"No," I said.
The dinos were skirring at each other; their heads wove and dipped. At first they cut me cold and the comm was silent, but suddenly their debate crackled through my earstone.
=This is just as I have been telling,= said Linna. =These beings have no realization of harmony. It is wrongful to further unleash them on the many worlds.= =You may have reason,= said Parikkal. =But that is a later discussion. The need is for the equation to be balanced.= =There is no time. We will have to discard the redundant ourselves.= Silloin bared her long brown teeth.
It would take her maybe five seconds to rip Kamala"s throat out. And even though Silloin was the dino most sympathetic to us, I had no doubt she would enjoy the kill.
=I will argue that we adjourn human migration until this world has been rethought,= said Liana.
This was the typical dino condescension. Even though they appeared to be arguing with each other, they were actually speaking to me, laying the situation out so that even the baby sapient would understand.
They were informing me that I was jeopardizing the future of humanity in s.p.a.ce. That the Kamala in reception D was dead whether I quit or not. That the equation had to be balanced and it had to be now."Wait," I said. "Maybe I can coax her back into the scanner." I had to get away from them. I pulled my earstone out and slid it into my pocket. I was in such a hurry to escape that I stumbled as I left the scan center and had to catch myself in the hallway. I stood there for a second, staring at the hand pressed against the bulkhead. I seemed to see the splayed fingers through the wrong end of a telescope. I was far away from myself.
She had curled into herself on the couch, arms clutching knees to her chest, as if trying to shrink so that n.o.body would notice her.
"We"re all set," I said briskly. "You"ll be in the marble for less than a minute, guaranteed."
"No, Michael."
I could actually feel myself receding from Tuulen Station. "Kamala, you"re throwing away a huge part of your life."
"It is my right." Her eyes were shiny.
No, it wasn"t. She was redundant; she had no rights. What had she said about the dead old lady? She had become a thing, like a bone.
"Okay, then," I jabbed at her shoulder with a stiff forefinger. "Let"s go."
She recoiled. "Go where?"
"Back to Lunex. I"m holding the shuttle for you. It just dropped off my afternoon list; I should be helping them settle in, instead of having to deal with you."
She unfolded herself slowly.
"Come on." I jerked her roughly to her feet. "The dinos want you off Tuulen as soon as possible and so do I." I was so distant, I couldn"t see Kamala Shastri anymore.
She nodded and let me march her to the bubble door.
"And if we meet anyone in the hall, keep your mouth shut."
"You"re being so mean." Her whisper was thick.
"You"re being such a baby."
When the inner door glided open, she realized immediately that there was no umbilical to the shuttle. She tried to twist out of my grip but I put my shoulder into her, hard. She flew across the airlock, slammed against the outer door and caromed onto her back. As I punched the switch to close the door, I came back to myself. I was doing this terrible thing-me, Michael Burr. I couldn"t help myself: I giggled. when I last saw her, Kamala was scrabbling across the deck toward me but she was too late. I was surprised that she wasn"t screaming again; all I heard was her ferocious breathing.
As soon as the inner door sealed, I opened the outer door. After all, how many ways are there to kill someone on a s.p.a.ce station? There were no guns. Maybe someone else could have stabbed or strangled her, but not me. Poison how? Besides, I wasn"t thinking, I had been trying desperately not to think of what I was doing. I was a sapientologist, not a doctor. I always thought that exposure to s.p.a.ce teat instantaneous death. Explosive decompression or something like. I didn"t want her to suffer. I was trying to make it quick. Painless.I heard the whoosh of escaping air and thought that was it; the body had been ejected into s.p.a.ce. I had actually turned away when thumping started, frantic, like the beat of a racing heart. She must have found something to hold onto. Thump, thump, thump! It was too much. I sagged against the inner door- thump, thump-slid down it, laughing. Turns out that if you empty the lungs, it is possible to survive exposure to s.p.a.ce for at least a minute, maybe two. I thought it was funny. Thump! Hilarious, actually. I had tried my best for her-risked my career-and this was how she repaid me? As I laid my cheek against the door, the thumps started to weaken. There were just a few centimeters between us, the difference between life and death. Now she knew all about balancing the equation. I was laughing so hard I could scarcely breathe. Just like the meat behind the door. Die already, you weepy b.i.t.c.h!
I don"t know how long it took. The thumping slowed. Stopped. And then I was a hero. I had preserved harmony, kept our link to the stars open. I chuckled with pride; I could think like a dinosaur.
I popped through the bubble door into Reception D. "It"s time to board the shuttle."
Kamala had changed into a clingy and velcro slippers. There were at least ten windows open on the wall; the room filled with the murmur of talking heads. Friends and relatives had to be notified; their loved one had returned, safe and sound. "I have to go," she said to the wall. "I will call you when I land."
She gave me a smile that seemed stiff from disuse. "I want to thank you again, Michael." I wondered how long it took migrators to get used to being human. "You were such a help and I was such a... I was not myself." She glanced around the room one last time and then shivered. "I was really scared."
"You were."
She shook her head. "Was it that bad?"
I shrugged and led her out into the hall.
"I feel so silly now. I mean, I was in the marble for less than a minute and then-" she snapped her fingers- "there I was on Gend, just like you said." She brushed up against me as we walked; her body was hard under the clingy. "Anyway, I am glad we got this chance to talk. I really was going to look you up when I got back. I certainly did not expect to see you here."
"I decided to stay on." The inner door to the airlock glided open. "It"s a job that grows on you." The umbilical shivered as the pressure between Tuulen Station and the shuttle equalized.
"You have got migrators waiting," she said.
"Two."
"I envy them." She turned to me. "Have you ever thought about going to the stars?"
"No," I said.
Kamala put her hand to my face. "It changes everything." I could feel the p.r.i.c.k of her long nails-claws, really. For a moment I thought she meant to scar my cheek the way she had been scarred.
"I know," I said.
Patricia A McKillip
Patricia McKillip is one of the most distinguished living fantasy writers, winner of the first World Fantasy award for best novel (The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, 1974), and author of the cla.s.sic Riddlermaster of Hed trilogy. She is also one of the finest and most underrated short fiction writers in the F& SF field for the 1990s. Her stories in recent years display a breadth of humane vision worthy of comparison to the fiction of Ursula K. Le Guin and are the work of a first-rate literary talent at the height of her powers. This story is a hip, dark vision of the future and the past, tightly plotted, ironic, rich, and deep. It appeared in Full Spectrum 5, one of the outstanding original anthologies from 1995.
Wonders of the Invisible World
by Patricia A McKillip
I am the angel sent to Cotton Mather. It took me some time to get his attention. He lay on the floor with his eyes closed; he prayed fervently, sometimes murmuring, sometimes shouting. Apparently the household was used to it. I heard footsteps pa.s.s his study door; a woman-his wife Abigail?-called to someone: "If your throat is no better tomorrow, we"ll have Phillip pee in a cup for you to gargle." From the way the house smelled, Phillip didn"t bother much with cups. Cotton Mather smelled of smoke and sweat and wet wool. Winter had come early. The sky was black, the ground was white, the wind pinched like a witch and whined like a starving dog. There was no color in the landscape and no mercy.
Cotton Mather prayed to see the invisible world.
He wanted an angel.
"O Lord," he said, in desperate, hoa.r.s.e, weary cadences, like a sick child talking itself to sleep. "Thou hast given angelic visions to Thy innocent children to defend them from their demons. Remember Thy humble servant, who prostrates himself in the dust, vile worm that I am, forsaking food and comfort and sleep, in humble hope that Thou might bestow upon Thy humble servant the blessing and hope at this harsh and evil time: a glimpse of Thy shadow, a flicker of light in Thine eye, a single word from Thy mouth. Show me Thy messengers of good who fly between the visible and invisible worlds. Grant me, O G.o.d, a vision."
I cleared my throat a little. He didn"t open his eyes. The fire was dying down. I wondered who replenished it, and if the sight of Mather"s bright, winged creature world surprise anyone, with all the witches, devils and demented goldfinches perched on rafters all over New England. The firelight spilling across the wide planks glowed just beyond his outstretched hand. He lay in dim lights and fluttering shadows, in the long, long night of history, when no one could ever see clearly after sunset, and witches and angels and living dreams trembled just beyond the fire.
"Grant me, O G.o.d, a vision."
I was standing in front of his nose. He was lost in days of fasting and desire, trying to conjure an angel out of his head. According to his writings, what he expected to see was the generic white male with wings growing out of his shoulders, fair-haired, permanently beardless, wearing a long white nightgown and a gold dinner plate on his head. This was what intrigued Durham, and why he had hired me: he couldn"t believe that both good and evil in the Puritan imagination could be so ba.n.a.l.But I was what Mather wanted: something as colorless and pure as the snow that lay like the hand of G.o.d over the earth, harsh, exacting, unambiguous. Fire, their salvation against the cold, was red and belonged to h.e.l.l.
"O Lord."
It was the faintest of whispers. He was staring at my feet.
They were bare and shining and getting chilled. The ring of diamonds in my halo contained controls for light, for holograms like my wings, a map disc, a local-history disc in case I got totally bewildered by events, and a recorder disc that had caught the sudden stammer in Mather"s last word. He had asked for an angel; he got an angel. I wished he would quit staring at my feet and throw another log on the fire.
He straightened slowly, pushing himself off the floor while his eyes traveled upward. He was scarcely thirty at the time of the trials; he resembled his father at that age more than the familiar Pelham portrait of Mather in his sixties, soberly dressed, with a wig like a cream puff on his head, and a firm, resigned mouth. The young Mather had long dark hair, a spare, handsome, clean-shaven face, searching, credulous eyes. His eyes reached my face finally, cringing a little, as if he half expected a demon"s red, leering face attached to the angel"s body. But he found what he expected. He began to cry.
He cried silently, so I could speak. His writings are mute about much of the angel"s conversation. Mostly it predicted Mather"s success as a writer, great reviews and spectacular sales in America and Europe. I greeted him, gave him the message from G.o.d, quoted Ezekiel, and then got down to business. By then he had stopped crying, wiped his face with his dusty sleeve and cheered up at the prospect of fame.
"There are troubled children," I said, "who have seen me."
"They speak of you in their misery," he said gratefully. "You give them strength against evil."
"Their afflictions are terrible."
"Yes," he whispered.
"You have observed their torments."
"Yes."
"You have taken them into your home, borne witness to their complaints, tried to help them cast out their tormentors."
"I have tried."
"You have wrestled with the invisible world."
"Yes."
We weren"t getting very far. He still knelt on the hard floor, as he had done for hours, perhaps days; he could see me more clearly than he had seen anything in the dark in his life. He had forgotten the fire. I tried to be patient. Good angels were beyond temperament, even while at war with angels who had disgraced themselves by exhibiting human characteristics. But the floorboards were getting very cold.
"You have felt the invisible chains about them," I prodded. "The invisible, h.e.l.lish things moving beneath their bedclothes."
"The children cannot seem to stand my books," he said a little querulously, with a worried frown. "Mywriting sends them into convulsions. At the mere act of opening my books, they fall down as dead upon the floor. Yet how can I lead them gently back to G.o.d"s truth if the truth acts with such violence against them?"
"It is not against them," I reminded him, "but against the devil, who," I added, inspired, "takes many shapes."
He nodded, and became voluble. "Last week he took the shape of thieves who stole three sermons from me. And of a rat-or something like a h.e.l.lish rat-we could feel in the air, but not see."
"A rat."
"And sometimes a bird, a yellow bird, the children say-they see it perched on the fingers of those they name witches."
"And since they say it, it is so."
He nodded gravely. "G.o.d made nothing more innocent than children."
I let that pa.s.s. I was his delusion, and if I had truly been sent to him from G.o.d, then G.o.d and Mather agreed on everything.
"Have they-" this was Durham"s suggestion "-not yet seen, the devil in the shape of a black horse who spews fire between its teeth, and is ridden by three witches, each more beautiful than the last?"
He stared at me, then caught himself imagining the witches and blinked. "No," he breathed. "No one has seen such a thing. Though the Shape of Goody Bishop in her scarlet bodice and her lace had been seen over the beds of honest married men."
"What did she do to them?"
"She hovered. She haunted them. For this and more she was hanged."
For wearing a color and inciting the imagination, she was hanged. I refrained from commenting that since her Shape had done the hovering, it was her Shape that should have been hanged. But it was almost worth my researcher"s license. "In G.o.d"s justice," I said piously, "her soul dwells." I had almost forgotten the fire; this dreary, crazed, malicious atmosphere was more chilling than the cold.
"She had a witchmark," Mather added. "The witch"s teat." His eyes were wide, marveling; he had conjured witches as well as angels out of his imagination. I suppose it was easier, in that harsh world, to make demons out of your neighbors, with their imperfections, tempers, rheumy eyes, missing teeth, irritating habits and smells, than to find angelic beauty in them. But I wasn"t there to judge Mather. I could hear Durham"s intense voice: Imagination. Imagery. I want to know what they pulled out of their heads.
They invented their devil, but all they could do was make him talk like a bird? Don"t bother with a moral viewpoint. I want to know what Mather saw. This was the man who believed that thunder was caused by the sulfurous farts of decaying vegetation. Why? Don"t ask me why. You"re a researcher. Go research.
Research the imagination. It was as obsolete as the appendix in most adults, except for those in whom, like the appendix, it became inflamed for no reason. Durham"s curiosity seemed as aberrated as Mather"s; they both craved visions. But in his world, Durham could afford the luxury of being crazed. In this world, only the crazed, the adolescent girls, the trial judges, Mather himself, were sane.
I was taking a moral viewpoint. But Mather was still talking, and the recorder was catching his views, not mine. I had asked Durham once, after an exasperating journey to some crowded, airless, fly-infestedtemple covered with phallic symbols to appear as a G.o.ddess, to stop hiring me; the Central Research Computer had obviously got its records mixed when it recommended me to him. Our historical viewpoints were thoroughly incompatible. "No, they"re not," he had said obnoxiously, and refused to elaborate. He paid well. He paid very well. So here I was, in frozen colonial New England, listening to Cotton Mather talk about brooms.
"The witches ride them," he said, still wide-eyed. "Sometimes three to a besom. To their foul Witch"s Sabbaths."
Their foul Sabbaths, he elaborated, consisted of witches gathering in some boggy pasture where the demons talked with the voices of frogs, listening to a fiendish sermon, drinking blood, and plotting to bring back pagan customs like dancing around a Maypole. I wondered if, being an angel of G.o.d, I was supposed to know all this already, and if Mather would wonder later why I had listened. Durham and I had argued about this, about the ethics and legalities of me pretending to be Mather"s delusion.
"What"s the problem?" he had asked. "You think the real angel is going to show up later?"
Mather was still speaking, in a feverish trance caused most likely by too much fasting, prayer, and mental agitation. Evil eyes, he was talking about, and "things" that were hairy all over. They apparently caused neighbors to blame one another for dead pigs, wagons stuck in potholes, sickness, l.u.s.t and deadly boredom. I was getting bored myself, by then, and thoroughly depressed. Children"s fingers had pointed at random, and wherever they pointed, they created a witch. So much for the imagination. It was malignant here, an instrument of cruelty and death.
"He did not speak to the court, neither to defend his innocence nor confess his guilt," Mather was saying solemnly. "He was a stubborn old man. They piled stones upon him until his tongue stuck out and he died. But he never spoke. They had already hanged his wife. He spoke well enough then, accusing her."
I had heard enough.
"G.o.d protect the innocent," I said, and surprised myself, for it was a prayer to something. I added, more gently, for Mather, blinking out of his trance, looked worried, as if I had accused him, "Be comforted.
G.o.d will give you strength to bear all tribulations in these dark times. Be patient and faithful, and in the fullness of time, you will be rewarded with the truth of your life."