After a while my mother said, "Sether"s coming in, too. But a month or so later than you, I think. Dory said let"s have a double kemmerday, but I think you should have your own day in your own time."
I burst into tears and cried, "I don"t want one, I don"t want to, I just want, I just want to go away...."
"Sov," my mother said, "if you want to, you can go to the kemmerhouse at Gerodda Ereb, where you won"t know anybody. But I think it would be better here, where people do know you. They"d like it.
They"ll be so glad for you. Oh, your Grand"s so proud of you! "Have you seen that grandchild of mine, Sov, have you seen what a beauty, what a mahad!" Everybody"s bored to tears hearing about you...."
Mahad is a dialect word, a Rer word; it means a strong, handsome, generous, upright person, a reliable person. My mother"s stern mother, who commanded and thanked, but never praised, said I was a mahad? A terrifying idea, that dried my tears.
"All right," I said desperately, "Here. But not next month! It isn"t. I"m not."
"Let me see," my mother said. Fiercely embarra.s.sed yet relieved to obey, I stood up and undid my trousers.
My mother took a very brief and delicate look, hugged me, and said, "Next month, yes, I"m sure. You"ll feel much better in a day or two. And next month it"ll be different. It really will."
Sure enough, the next day the headache and the hot itching were gone, and though I was still tired and sleepy a lot of the time, I wasn"t quite so stupid and clumsy at work. After a few more days I felt pretty much myself, light and easy in my limbs. Only if I thought about it there was still that queer feeling that wasn"t quite in any part of my body, and that was sometimes very painful and sometimes only strange, almost something I wanted to feel again.
My cousin Sether and I had been apprenticed together at the furniture shop. We didn"t go to work together because Sether was still slightly lame from that rope trick a couple of years earlier, and got a lift to work in a poleboat so long as there was water in the streets. When they closed the Arre Watergate and the ways went dry, Sether had to walk. So we walked together. The first couple of days we didn"t talk much. I still felt angry at Sether. Because I couldn"t run through the dawn anymore but had to walk at a lame-leg pace. And because Sether was always around. Always there. Taller than me, and quicker at the lathe, and with that long, heavy, shining hair. Why did anybody want to wear their hair so long, anyhow? I felt as if Sether"s hair was in front of my own eyes.
We were walking home, tired, on a hot evening of Ockre, the first month of summer. I could see that Sether was limping and trying to hide or ignore it, trying to swing right along at my quick pace, very straight-backed, scowling. A great wave of pity and admiration overwhelmed me, and that thing, that growth, that new being, whatever it was in my bowels and in the ground of my soul moved and turned again, turned towards Sether, aching, yearning.
"Are you coming into kemmer?" I said in a hoa.r.s.e, husky voice I had never heard come out of my mouth."In a couple of months," Sether said in a mumble, not looking at me, still very stiff and frowning.
"I guess I have to have this, do this, you know, this stuff, pretty soon."
"I wish I could," Sether said. "Get it over with."
We did not look at each other. Very gradually, unnoticeably, I was slowing my pace till we were going along side by side at an easy walk.
"Sometimes do you feel like your t.i.ts are on fire?" I asked without knowing that I was going to say anything.
Sether nodded.
After a while, Sether said, "Listen, does your p.i.s.ser get...."
I nodded.
"It must be what the Aliens look like," Sether said with revulsion. "This, this thing sticking out, it gets so big... it gets in the way."
We exchanged and compared symptoms for a mile or so. It was a relief to talk about it, to find company in misery, but it was also frightening to hear our misery confirmed by the other. Sether burst out, "I"ll tell you what I hate, what I really hate about it-it"s dehumanizing. To get jerked around like that by your own body, to lose control, I can"t stand the idea. Of being just a s.e.x machine. And everybody just turns into something to have s.e.x with. You know that people in kemmer go crazy and die if there isn"t anybody else in kemmer? That they"ll even attack people in somer? Their own mothers?"
"They can"t," I said, shocked.
"Yes they can. Tharry told me. This truck driver up in the High Kargav went into kemmer as a male while their caravan was stuck in the snow, and he was big and strong, and he went crazy and he, he did it to his cab-mate, and his cab-mate was in somer and got hurt, really hurt, trying to fight him off. And then the driver came out of kemmer and committed suicide."
This horrible story brought the sickness back up from the pit of my stomach, and I could say nothing.
Sether went on, "People in kemmer aren"t even human anymore! And we have to do that-to be that way!
Now that awful, desolate fear was out in the open. Buts was not a relief to speak it. It was even larger and more terrible, spoken.
"It"s stupid," Sether said. "It"s a primitive device for continuing the species. There"s no need for civilized people to undergo it. People who want to get pregnant could do it with injections. It would be genetically sound. You could choose your child"s getter. There wouldn"t be all this inbreeding, people f.u.c.king with their sibs, like animals. Why do we have to be animals?"
Sether"s rage stirred me. I shared it. I also felt shocked and excited by the word "f.u.c.king," which I had never heard spoken. I looked again at my cousin, the thin, ruddy face, the heavy, long, shining hair. My age, Sether looked older. A half year in pain from a shattered leg had darkened and matured the adventurous, mischievous child, teaching anger, pride, endurance. "Sether," I said, "listen, it doesn"t matter, you"re human, even if you have to do that stuff, that f.u.c.king. You"re a mahad.""Getheny Kus," Grand said: the first day of the month of Kus, midsummer day.
"I won"t be ready," I said.
"You"ll be ready."
"I want to go into kemmer with Sether."
"Sether"s got a month or two yet to go. Soon enough. It looks like you might be on the same moon-time, though. Dark-of-the-mooners, eh? That"s what I used to be. So, just stay on the same wavelength, you and Sether...." Grand had never grinned at me this way, an inclusive grin, as if I were an equal.
My mother"s mother was sixty years old, short, brawny, broad-hipped, with keen clear eyes, a stone-mason by trade, an unquestioned autocrat in the Hearth. I, equal to this formidable person? It was my first intimation that I might be becoming more, rather than less, human.
"I"d like it," said Grand, "if you spent this half-month at the Fastness. But it"s up to you."
"At the Fastness?" I said, taken by surprise. We Thades were all Handdara, but very inert Handdara, keeping only the great festivals, muttering the grace all in one garbled word, practicing none of the disciplines. None of my older hearthsibs had been sent off to the Fastness before their kemmerday. Was there something wrong with me?
"You"ve got a good brain," said Grand. "You and Sether. I"d like to see some of you lot casting some shadows, some day. We Thades sit here in our Hearth and breed like pesthry. Is that enough? It"d be a good thing if some of you got your heads out of the bedding."
"What do they do in the Fastness?" I asked, and Grand answered frankly, "I don"t know. Go find out.
They teach you. They can teach you how to control kemmer."
"All right," I said promptly. I would tell Sether that the Indwellers could control kemmer. Maybe I could learn how to do it and come home and teach it to Sether.
Grand looked at me with approval. I had taken up the challenge.
Of course I didn"t learn how to control kemmer, in a halfmonth in the Fastness. The first couple of days there, I thought I wouldn"t even be able to control my homesickness. From our warm, dark warren of rooms full of people talking, sleeping, eating, cooking, washing, playing remma, playing music, kids running around, noise, family, I went across the city to a huge, clean, cold, quiet house of strangers. They were courteous, they treated me with respect. I was terrified. Why should a person of forty, who knew magic disciplines of superhuman strength and fort.i.tude, who could walk barefoot through blizzards, who could Foretell, whose eyes were the wisest and calmest I had ever seen, why should an Adept of the Handdara respect me?
"Because you are so ignorant," Ranharrer the Adept said, smiling, with great tenderness.
Having me only for a halfmonth, they didn"t try to influence the nature of my ignorance very much. I practiced the Untrance several hours a day, and came to like it: that was quite enough for them, and they praised me. "At fourteen, most people go crazy moving slowly," my teacher said.
During my last six or seven days in the Fastness certain symptoms began to show up again, the headache, the swellings and shooting pains, the irritability. One morning the sheet of my cot in my bare, peaceful little room was bloodstained. I looked at the smear with horror and loathing. I thought I had scratched my itching l.a.b.i.a to bleeding in my sleep, but I knew also what the blood was. I began to cry. I had towash the sheet somehow. I had fouled, defiled this place where everything was clean, austere, and beautiful.
An old Indweller, finding me scrubbing desperately at the sheet in the washrooms, said nothing, but brought me some soap that bleached away the stain. I went back to my room, which I had come to love with the pa.s.sion of one who had never before known any actual privacy, and crouched on the sheetless bed, miserable, checking every few minutes to be sure I was not bleeding again. I missed my Untrance practice time. The immense house was very quiet. Its peace sank into me. Again I felt that strangeness in my soul, but it was not pain now; it was a desolation like the air at evening, like the peaks of the Kargav seen far in the west in the clarity of winter. It was an immense enlargement.
Ranharrer the Adept knocked and entered at my word, looked at me for a minute, and asked gently, "What is it?"
"Everything is strange," I said.
The Adept smiled radiantly and said, "Yes."
I know now how Ranharrer cherished and honored my ignorance, in the Handdara sense. Then I knew only that somehow or other I had said the right thing and so pleased a person I wanted very much to please.
"We"re doing some singing," Ranharrer said, "you might like to hear it."
They were in fact singing the Midsummer Chant, which goes on for the four days before Getheny Kus, night and day. Singers and drummers drop in and out at will, most of them singing on certain syllables in an endless group improvisation guided only by the drums and by melodic cues in the Chantbook, and failing into harmony with the soloist if one is present. At first I heard only a pleasantly thick-textured, droning sound over a quiet and subtle beat. I listened till I got bored and decided I could do it too. So I opened my mouth and sang "Aah" and heard all the other voices singing "Aah" above and with and below mine until I lost mine and heard only all the voices, and then only the music itself, and then suddenly the startling silvery rush of a single voice running across the weaving, against the current, and sinking into it and vanishing, and rising out of it again.... Ranharrer touched my arm. It was time for dinner, I had been singing since Third Hour. I went back to the chantry after dinner, and after supper. I spent the next three days there. I would have spent the nights there if they had let me. I wasn"t sleepy at all anymore. I had sudden, endless energy, and couldn"t sleep. In my little room I sang to mysrelf, or read the strange Handdara poetry which was the only book they had given me, and practiced the Untrance, trying to ignore the heat and cold, the fire and ice in my body, till dawn came and I could go sing again.
And then it was Ottormenbod, midsummer"s eve, and I must go home to my Hearth and the kemmer-house.
To my surprise, my mother and grandmother and all the elders came to the Fastness to fetch me, wearing ceremonial hiebs and looking solemn. Ranharrer handed me over to them, saying to me only, "Come back to us." My family paraded me through the streets in the hot summer morning; all the vines were in flower, perfuming the air, all the gardens were blooming, bearing, fruiting. "This is an excellent time,"
Grand said judiciously, "to come into kemmer."
The Hearth looked very dark to me after the Fastness, and somehow shrunken. I looked around for Sether, but it was a workday, Sether was at the shop. That gave me a sense of holiday, which was not unpleasant. And then up in the hearthroom of our balcony, Grand and the Hearth elders formally presented me with a whole set of new clothes, new everything, from the boots up, topped by a magnificently embroidered hieb. There was a spoken ritual that went with the clothes, not Handdara; Ithink, but a tradition of our Hearth; the words were all old and strange, the language of a thousand years ago. Grand rattled them out like somebody spitting rocks, and put the hieb on my shoulders. Everybody said, "Haya!"
All the elders, and a lot of younger kids, hung around helping me put on the new clothes as if I was a king or a baby, and some of the elders wanted to give me advice-"last advice," they called it, since you gain shifgrethor when you go into kemmer, and once you have shifgrethor advice is insulting. "Now you just keep away from that old Ebbeche," one of them told me shrilly. My mother took offense, snapping, "Keep your shadow to yourself, Tadsh!" And to me, "Don"t listen to the old fish. Flapmouth Tadsh! But now listen, Sov."
I listened. Guyr had drawn me a little away from the others, and spoke gravely, with some embarra.s.sment. "Remember, it will matter who you"re with first."
I nodded. "I understand," I said.
"No, you don"t," my mother snapped, forgetting to be embarra.s.sed. "Just keep it in mind!"
"What, ah," I said. My mother waited. "If I, if I go into, as a, as female," I said. "Don"t I, shouldn"t I-?"
"Ah," Guyr said. "Don"t worry. It"ll be a year or more before you can conceive. Or get. Don"t worry, this time. The other people will see to it, just in case. They all know it"s your first kemmer. But do keep it in mind, who you"re with first! Around, oh, around Karrid, and Ebbeche, and some of them."
"Come on!" Dory shouted, and we all got into a procession again to go downstairs and across the centerhall, where everybody cheered "Haya Sov! Haya Sov!" and the cooks beat on their saucepans. I wanted to die. But they all seemed so cheerful, so happy about me, wishing me well; I wanted also to live.
We went out the west door and across the sunny gardens and came to the kemmerhouse. Tage Ereb shares a kemmerhouse with two other Ereb Hearths; it"s a beautiful building, all carved with deep-figure friezes in the Old Dynasty style, terribly worn by the weather of a couple of thousand years. On the red stone steps my family all kissed me, murmuring, "Praise then Darkness," or "In the act of creation praise,"
and my mother gave me a hard push on my shoulders, what they call the sledge-push, for good luck, as I turned away from them and went in the door.
The doorkeeper was waiting for me; a queer-looking, rather stooped person, with coa.r.s.e, pale skin.
Now I realized who this "Ebbeche" they"d been talking about was. I"d never met him, but I"d heard about him. He was the Doorkeeper of our kemmerhouse, a halfdead-that is, a person in permanent kemmer, like the Aliens.
There are always a few people born that way here. Some of them can be cured; those who can"t or choose not to be usually live in a Fastness and learn the disciplines, or they become Doorkeepers. It"s convenient for them, and for normal people too. After all, who else would want to live in a kemmerhouse? But there are drawbacks. If you come to the kemmerhouse in thorharmen, ready to gender, and the first person you meet is fully male, his pheromones are likely to gender you female right then, whether that"s what you had in mind this month or not. Responsible Doorkeepers, of course, keep well away from anybody who doesn"t invite them to come close. But permanent kemmer may not lead to responsibility of character; nor does being called halfdead and pervert all your life, I imagine. Obviously my family didn"t trust Ebbeche to keep his hands and his pheromones off me. But they were unjust. He honored a first kemmer as much as anyone else. He greeted me by name and showed me where to take off my new boots. Then he began to speak the ancient ritual welcome, backing down the hall before me;the first time I ever heard the words I would hear so many times again for so many years.
You cross earth now.
You cross water now.
You cross the Ice now ....
And the exulting ending, as we came into the centerhall: Together we have crossed the Ice.
Together we come into the Hearthplace, Into life, bringing life!
In the act of creation, praise!
The solemnity of the words moved me and distracted me somewhat from my intense self-consciousness.
As I had in the Fastness, I felt the familiar rea.s.surance of being part of something immensely older and larger than myself, even if it was strange and new to me. I must entrust myself to it and be what it made me. At the same time I was intensely alert. All my senses were extraordinarily keen, as they had been all morning. I was aware of everything, the beautiful blue color of the walls, the lightness and vigor of my steps as I walked, the texture of the wood under my bare feet, the sound and meaning of the ritual words, the Doorkeeper himself. He fascinated me. Ebbeche was certainly not handsome, and yet I noticed how musical his rather deep voice was; and pale skin was more attractive than I had ever thought it. I felt that he had been maligned, that his life must be a strange one. I wanted to talk to him. But as he finished the welcome, standing aside for me at the doorway of the centerhall, a tall person strode forward eagerly to meet me.
I was glad to see a familiar face: it was the head cook of my Hearth, Karrid Arrage. Like many cooks a rather fierce and temperamental person, Karrid had often taken notice of me, singling me out in a joking, challenging way, tossing me some delicacy-"Here, youngun! get some meat on your bones!" As I saw Karrid now I went through the most extraordinary multiplicity of awarenesses: that Karrid was naked and that this nakedness was not like the nakedness of people in the Hearth, but a significant nakedness-that he was not the Karrid I had seen before but transfigured into great beauty-that he was he-that my mother had warned me about him-that I wanted to touch him-that I was afraid of him.
He picked me right up in his arms and pressed me against him. I felt his c.l.i.top.e.n.i.s like a fist between my legs. "Easy, now," the Doorkeeper said to him, and some other people came forward from the room, which I could see only as large, dimly glowing, full of shadows and mist.
"Don"t worry, don"t worry," Karrid said to me and them, with his hard laugh. "I won"t hurt my own get, will I? I just want to be the one that gives her kemmer. As a woman, like a proper Thade. I want to give you that joy, little Sov." He was undressing me as he spoke, slipping off my hieb and shirt with big, hot, hasty hands. The Doorkeeper and the others kept close watch, but did not interfere. I felt totally defenseless, helpless, humiliated. I struggled to get free, broke loose, and tried to pick up and put on my shirt. I was shaking and felt terribly weak, I could hardly stand up. Karrid helped me clumsily; his big arm supported me. I leaned against him, feeling his hot, vibrant skin against mine, a wonderful feeling, like sunlight, like firelight. I leaned more heavily against him, raising my arms so that our sides slid together.
"Hey, now," he said. "Oh, you beauty, oh, you Sov, here, take her away, this won"t do!" And he backed right away from me, laughing and yet really alarmed, his c.l.i.top.e.n.i.s standing up amazingly. I stood there half-dressed, on my rubbery legs, bewildered. My eyes were full of mist, I could see nothing clearly."Come on," somebody said, and took my hand, a soft, cool touch totally different from the fire of Karrid"s skin. It was a person from one of the other Hearths, I didn"t know her name. She seemed to me to shine like gold in the dim, misty place. "Oh, you"re going so fast," she said, laughing and admiring and consoling. "Come on, come into the pool, take it easy for a while. Karrid shouldn"t have come on to you like that! But you"re lucky, first kemmer as a woman, there"s nothing like it. I kemmered as a man three times before I got to kemmer as a woman, it made me so mad, every time I got into thorharmen all my d.a.m.n friends would all be women already. Don"t worry about me-I"d say Karrid"s influence was decisive," and she laughed again. "Oh, you are so pretty!" and she bent her head and licked my nipples before I knew what she was doing.
It was wonderful, it cooled that stinging fire in them that nothing else could cool. She helped me finish undressing, and we stepped together into the warm water of the big, shallow pool that filled the whole center of this room. That was why it was so misty, why the echoes were so strange. The water lapped on my thighs, on my s.e.x, on my belly. I turned to my friend and leaned forward to kiss her. It was a perfectly natural thing to do, it was what she wanted and I wanted, and I wanted her to lick and suck my nipples again, and she did. For a long time we lay in the shallow water playing, and I could have played forever. But then somebody else joined us, taking hold of my friend from behind, and she arched her body in the water like a golden fish leaping, threw her back, and began to play with him.
I got out of the water and dried myself, feeling sad and shy and forsaken, and yet extremely interested in what had happened to my body. It felt wonderfully alive and electric, so that the roughness of the towel made me shiver with pleasure. Somebody had come closer to me, somebody that had been watching me play with my friend in the water. He sat down by me now.
It was a hearthmate a few years older than I, Arrad Tehemmy. I had worked in the gardens with Arrad all last summer, and liked him. He looked like Sether, I now thought, with heavy black hair and a long, thin face, but in him was that shining, that glory they all had here-all the kemmerers, the women, the men-such vivid beauty as I had never seen in any human beings. "Sov," he said, "I"d like-Your first-Will you-" His hands were already on me, and mine on him. "Come," he said, and I went with him. He took me into a beautiful little room, in which there was nothing but a fire burning in a fireplace, and a wide bed. There Arrad took me into his arms and I took Arrad into my arms, and then between my legs, and fell upward, upward through the golden light.
Arrad and I were together all that first night, and besides f.u.c.king a great deal, we ate a great deal. It had not occurred to me that there would be food at a kemmerhouse, I had thought you weren"t allowed to do anything but f.u.c.k. There was a lot of food, very good, too, set out so that you could eat whenever you wanted. Drink was more limited; the person in charge, an old woman-halfdead, kept her canny eye on you, and wouldn"t give you any more beer if you showed signs of getting wild or stupid. I didn"t need any more beer. I didn"t need any more f.u.c.king. I was complete. I was in love forever for all time all my life to eternity with Arrad. But Arrad (who was a day father into kemmer than I) fell asleep and wouldn"t wake up, and an extraordinary person named Hama sat down by me and began talking and also running his hand up and down my back in the most delicious way, so that before long we got further entangled, and began f.u.c.king, and it was entirely different with Hama than it had been with Arrad, so that I realized that I must be in love with Hama, until Gehardar joined us. After that I think I began to understand that I loved them all and they all loved me and that that was the secret of the kemmerhouse.
It"s been nearly fifty years, and I have to admit I do not recall everyone from my first kemmer; only Karrid and Arrad, Hama and Gehardar, old Tubanny, the most exquisitely skillful lover as a male that I ever knew-I met him often in later kemmers-and Berre, my golden fish, with whom I ended up in drowsy, peaceful, blissful lovemaking in front of the great hearth till we both fell asleep. And when we woke we were not women. We were not men. We were not in kemmer. We were very tired youngadults.
"You"re still beautiful," I said to Berre.
"So are you," Berre said. "Where do you work?"
"Furniture shop, Third Ward."
I tried licking Berre"s nipple, but it didn"t work; Berre flinched a little, and I said "Sorry," and we both laughed.
"I"m in the radio trade," Berre said. "Did you ever think of trying that?"
"Making radios?"
"No. Broadcasting. I do the Fourth Hour news and weather."
"That"s you?" I said, awed.
"Come over to the tower some time, I"ll show you around," said Berre.
Which is how I found my lifelong trade and a life-long friend. As I tried to tell Sether when I came back to the Hearth, kemmer isn"t exactly what we thought it was; it"s much more complicated.
Sether"s first kemmer was on Getheny Gor, the first day of the first month of autumn, at the dark of the moon. One of the family brought Sether into kemmer as a woman, and then Sether brought me in. That was the first time I kemmered as a man. And we stayed on the same wavelength, as Grand put it. We never conceived together, being cousins and having some modern scruples, but we made love in every combination, every dark of the moon, for years. And Sether brought my child, Tamor, into first kemmer-as a woman, like a proper Thade.
Later on Sether went into the Handdara, and became an Indweller in the old Fastness, and now is an Adept. I go over there often to join in one of the Chants or practice the Untrance or just to visit, and every few days Sether comes back to the Hearth. And we talk. The old days or the new times, somer or kemmer, love is love.
Roger Zelazny
Roger Zelazny was one of the startling new talents from the New Wave of the 1960s. His fiction ranged from pure fantasy to hard SF. His genial personality and charming stories made him one of the most popular SF writers of the last three decades. His SF novels of the 1960s earned him a spectacular literary reputation and his fantasy series, the Amber novels (in the 1970s and 1980s) made him a bestselling writer. Throughout his career, he would occasionally produce major SF stories, winning many awards and proving, once again, that although he often chose to write slick commercial entertainments, he was always capable of meeting a difficult aesthetic challenge. This story is clever in the cat"s cradle way that characterizes the best of Zelazny. Roger Zelazny died this spring and this piece from Fantasy & Science Fiction was his last hard SF story. He said in the headnote to the story that it is an attempt to combine three interesting hard SF ideas in one piece.