"No." He glares at me, and then breaks. He has his father"s looks, but he"s not really like his father. There are even tears in the corners of his eyes. "I"ll do it tomorrow, Mom, I promise. Right after school. But tonight I have to go out."
"Where?"
"Just out."
Jackie says, "Why should I be scared? Scared of what? Mommy!"
Sean turns to her. "You shouldn"t be scared, Jack-o-lantern. Everything"s going to be all right. One way or another."
I listen to the tone of his voice and suddenly fear shoots through me, piercing as childbirth. I say, "Jackie, you can play Nintendo now. I"ll clear the table."
Her face brightens. She skips into the living room and I look at my son. "What does that mean? "One way or another"? Sean, what"s going on?"
"Nothing," he says, and then despite his ashy color he looks me straight in the eyes, and smiles tenderly, and for the first time-the very first time-I see his resemblance to his father. He can lie to me with tenderness.
Two days later, just after I return from the Food Mart, they contact me.
The murder was on the news for two nights, and then disappeared. Over the parking lot is scatteredmore TV-camera litter. There"s also a wine bottle buried halfway into the hard ground, with a bouquet of yellow roses in it. Nearby is an empty basket, the kind that comes filled with expensive dried flowers at Blossoms by Bonnie, weighted down with stones. Staring at it, I remember that Bonnie Widelstein went out of business a few months ago. A drug-resistant abscess, and after she got out of Emerton Memorial, n.o.body on this side of the river would buy flowers from her.
At home, Sylvia James is sitting in my driveway in her black Algol. As soon as I see her, I put it together.
"Sylvia," I say tonelessly.
She climbs out of the sportscar and smiles a social smile. "Elizabeth! How good to see you!" I don"t answer. She hasn"t seen me in seventeen years. She"s carrying a cheese kuchen, like some sort of key into my house. She"s still blonde, still slim, still well dressed. Her lipstick is bright red, which is what her face should be.
I let her in anyway, my heart making slow hard thuds in my chest. Sean. Sean.
Once inside, her hard smile fades and she has the grace to look embarra.s.sed. "Elizabeth-"
"Betty," I say. "I go by Betty now."
"Betty. First off, I want to apologize for not being...for not standing by you in that mess. I know it was so long ago, but even so, I-I wasn"t a very good friend." She hesitates. "I was frightened by it all."
I want to say, You were frightened? But I don"t.
I never think of the whole dumb story any more. Not even when I look at Sean. Especially not when I look at Sean.
Seventeen years ago, when Sylvia and I were seniors in high school, we were best friends. Neither of us had a sister, so we made each other into that, even though her family wasn"t crazy about their precious daughter hanging around with someone like me. The G.o.ddards live on the other side of the river. Sylvia ignored them, and I ignored the drunken warnings of my aunt, the closest thing I had to a family. The differences didn"t matter. We were Sylvia-and-Elizabeth, the two prettiest and boldest girls in the senior cla.s.s who had an academic future.
And then, suddenly, I didn"t. At Elizabeth"s house I met Randolf Satler, young resident in her father"s unit at the hospital. And I got pregnant, and Randy dumped me, and I refused a paternity test because if he didn"t want me and the baby I had too much pride to force myself on any man. That"s what I told everyone, including myself. I was eighteen years old. I didn"t know what a common story mine was, or what a dreary one. I thought I was the only one in the whole wide world who had ever felt this bad.
So after Sean was born at Emerton Memorial and Randy got engaged the day I moved my baby "home"
to my dying aunt"s, I bought a Smith & Wesson revolver in the city and shot out the windows of Randy"s supposedly empty house across the river. I hit the gardener, who was helping himself to the Satler liquor cabinet in the living room. The judge gave me seven-and-a-half to ten, and I served five, and that only because my lawyer pleaded post-partum depression. The gardener recovered and retired to Miami, and Dr. Satler went on to become Chief of Medicine at Emerton Memorial and a lot of other important things in the city, and Sylvia never visited me once in Bedford Hills Correctional Facility. n.o.body did, except Jack. Who, when Syvia-and-Elizabeth were strutting their stuff at Emerton High, had already dropped out and was bagging groceries at the Food Mart. After I got out of Bedford, the only reason the foster-care people would give me Sean back was because Jack married me.We live in Emerton, but not of it.
Sylvia puts her kuchen on the kitchen table and sits down without being asked. I can see she"s done with apologizing. She"s still smart enough to know there are things you can"t apologize for.
"Eliz... Betty, I"m not here about the past. I"m here about Dr. Bennett"s murder."
"That doesn"t have anything to do with me."
"It has to do with all of us. Dan Moore lives next door to you."
I don"t say anything.
"He and Ceci and Jim Dyer and Tom Brunelli are the ringleaders in a secret organization to close Emerton Memorial Hospital. They think the hospital is a breeding ground for the infections resistant to every antibiotic except endozine. Well, they"re right about that-all hospitals are. But Dan and his group are determined to punish any doctor who prescribes endozine, so that no organisms develop a resistance to it, too, and it"s kept effective in case one of them needs it."
"Sylvia-" the name tastes funny in my mouth, after all this time "-I"m telling you this doesn"t have anything to do with me."
"And I"m telling you it does. We need you, Eliz... Betty. You live next door to Dan and Ceci. You can tell us when they leave the house, who comes to it, anything suspicious you see. We"re not a vigilante group, Betty, like they are. We aren"t doing anything illegal. We don"t kill people, and we don"t blow up bridges, and we don"t threaten people like the Nordstrums who get endozine for their sick kids but are basically uneducated blue collar-"
She stops. Jack and I are basically uneducated blue collar. I say coldly, "I can"t help you, Sylvia."
"I"m sorry, Betty. That wasn"t what I meant. Look, this is more important than anything that happened a decade and a half ago! Don"t you understand?" She leans toward me across the table. "The whole country"s caught in this thing. It"s already a public health crisis as big as the Spanish influenza epidemic of 1918, and it"s only just started! Drug-resistant bacteria can produce a new generation every twenty minutes, they can swap resistent genes not only within a species but across different species. The bacteria are winning. And people like the Moores are taking advantage of that to contribute further to the breakdown of even basic social decency."
In high school Sylvia had been on the debating team. But so, in that other life, had I. "If the Moores"s group is trying to keep endozine from being used, then aren"t they also fighting against the development of more drug-resistant bacteria? And if that"s so, aren"t they the ones, not you, who are ultimately aiding the country"s public health?"
"Through dynamiting. And intimidation. And murder. Betty, I know you don"t approve of those things. I wouldn"t be here telling you about our countergroup if I thought you did. Before I came here, we looked very carefully at you. At the kind of person you are. Are now. You and your husband are law-abiding people, you vote, you make a contribution to the Orphans of AIDS Fund, you-"
"How did you know about that? That"s supposed to be a secret contribution!"
"-you signed the pet.i.tion to protect the homeless from hara.s.sment. Your husband served on the jury that convicted Paul Keene of fraud, even though his real-estate scheme was so good for the economy of Emerton. You-""Stop it," I say. "You don"t have any right to investigate me like I was some criminal!"
Only, of course, I was. Once. Not now. Sylvia"s right about that-Jack and I believe in law and order, but for different reasons. Jack because that"s what his father believed in, and his grandfather. Me, because I learned in Bedford that enforced rules are the only thing that even halfway restrains the kind of predators Sylvia James never dreamed of. The kind I want kept away from my children.
Sylvia says, "We have a lot of people on our side, Betty. People who don"t want to see this town slide into the same kind of violence there is in Albany and Syracuse and, worst case, New York."
A month ago, New York Hospital in Queens was blown up. The whole thing, with a series of coordinated timed bombs. Seventeen hundred people dead in less than a minute.
"It"s a varied group," she continues. "Some town leaders, some housewives, some teachers, nearly all the medical personnel at the hospital. All people who care what happens to Emerton."
"Then you"ve got the wrong person here," I say, and it comes out harsher than I want to reveal. "I don"t care about Emerton."
"You have reasons," Sylvia says evenly. "And I"m part of your reasons, I know. But I think you"ll help us, Elizabeth. I know you must be concerned about your son-we"ve all observed what a good mother you are."
So she brought up Sean"s name first. I say, "You"re wrong again, Sylvia. I don"t need you to protect Sean, and if you"ve let him get involved in helping you, you"ll wish you"d never been born. I"ve worked d.a.m.n hard to make sure that what happened seventeen years ago never touches him. He doesn"t need to get mixed up in any way with your "medical personnel at the hospital." And Sean sure the h.e.l.l doesn"t owe this town anything, there wasn"t even anybody who would take him in after my aunt died, he had to go to-"
The look on her face stops me. Pure surprise. And then something else.
"Oh my G.o.d," she says. "Is it possible you don"t know? Hasn"t Sean told you?"
"Told me what?" I stand up, and I"m seventeen years old again, and just that scared.
Sylvia-and-Elizabeth.
"Your son isn"t helping our side. He"s working for Dan Moore and Mike Dyer. They use juveniles because if they"re caught, they won"t be tried as severely as adults. We think Sean was one of the kids they used to blow up the bridge over the river."
I look first at the high school. Sean isn"t there; he hadn"t even shown up for homeroom. No one"s home at his friend Tom"s house, or at Keith"s. He isn"t at the Billiard Ball or the Emerton Diner or the American Bowl. After that, I run out of places to search.
This doesn"t happen in places like Emerton. We have fights at basketball games and grand theft auto and smashed store windows on Halloween and sometimes a drunken tragic car crash on prom night. But not secret terrorists, not counter-terrorist vigilante groups. Not in Emerton.
Not with my son.
I drive to the factory and make them page Jack.
He comes off the line, face creased with sweat and dirt. The air is filled with clanging machinery andgrinding drills. I pull him outside the door, where there are benches and picnic tables for workers on break. "Betty! What is it?"
"Sean," I gasp. "He"s in danger."
Something shifts behind Jack"s eyes. "What kind of danger?"
"Sylvia G.o.ddard came to see me today. Sylvia James. She says Sean is involved with the group that blew up the bridge, the ones who are trying to get Emerton Memorial closed, and...and killed Dr.
Bennett."
Jack peels off his bench gloves, taking his time. Finally he looks up at me. "How come that b.i.t.c.h Sylvia G.o.ddard comes to you with this? After all this time?"
"Jack! Is that all you can think of? Sean is in trouble!"
He says gently, "Well, Bets, it was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn"t it? He"s always been a tough kid to raise. Rebellious. Can"t tell him anything."
I stare at Jack.
"Some people just have to learn the hard way."
"Jack...this is serious! Sean might be involved in terrorism! He could end up in jail!"
"Couldn"t ever tell him anything," Jack says, and I hear the hidden satisfaction in his voice, that he doesn"t even know is there. Not his son. Dr. Randy Satler"s son. Turning out bad.
"Look," Jack says, "when the shift ends I"ll go look for him, Bets. Bring him home. You go and wait there for us." His face is gentle, soothing. He really will find Sean, if it"s possible. But only because he loves me.
My sudden surge of hatred is so strong I can"t even speak.
"Go on home, Bets. It"ll be all right. Sean just needs to have the nonsense kicked out of him."
I turn and walk away. At the turning in the parking lot, I see Jack walking jauntily back inside, pulling on his gloves.
I drive home, because I can"t think what else to do. I sit on the couch and reach back in my mind, for that other place, the place I haven"t gone to since I got out of Bedford. The gray granite place that turns you to granite, too, so you can sit and wait for hours, for weeks, for years, without feeling very much. I go into that place, and I become the Elizabeth I was then, when Sean was in foster care someplace and I didn"t know who had him or what they might be doing to him or how I would get him back. I go into the gray granite place to become stone.
And it doesn"t work.
It"s been too long. I"ve had Sean too long. Jack has made me feel too safe. I can"t find the stony place.
Jackie is spending the night at a friend"s. I sit in the dark, no lights on, car in the garage. Sean doesn"t come home, and neither does Jack. At two in the morning, a lot of people in dark clothing cross the back lawn and quietly enter Dan and Ceci"s house next door, carrying bulky packages wrapped in black cloth.
Jack staggers in at six-thirty in the morning. Alone. His face droops with exhaustion."I couldn"t find him, Betty. I looked everywhere."
"Thank you," I say, and he nods. Accepting my thanks. This was something he did for me, not for Sean.
Not for himself, as Sean"s stepfather. I push down my sudden anger and say, "You better get some sleep."
"Right." He goes down the narrow hallway into our bedroom. In three minutes he"s snoring.
I let the car coast in neutral down the driveway. Our bedroom faces the street. The curtains don"t stir.
The West River Road is deserted, except for a few eighteen-wheelers. I cross the river at the interstate and start back along the east side. Three miles along, in the middle of farmland, the smell of burned flesh rolls in the window.
Cows, close to the pasture fence. I stop the car and get out. Fifteen or sixteen Holsteins. By straining over the fence, I can see the bullet holes in their heads. Somebody herded them togther, shot them one by one, and started a half-hearted fire among the bodies with neatly cut firewood. The fire had gone out; it didn"t look as if it was supposed to burn long. Just long enough to attract attention that hadn"t come yet.
I"d never heard that cows could get human diseases. Why had they been shot?
I get back in my car and drove the rest of the way to Emerton Memorial.
This side of town is deathly quiet. Gra.s.s grows unmowed in yard after yard. One large, expensive house has old newspapers piled on the porch steps, ten or twelve of them. There are no kids waiting for school buses, no cars pulling out of driveways on the way to work. The hospital parking lot has huge empty stretches between cars. At the last minute I drive on through the lot, parking instead across the street in somebody"s empty driveway, under a clump of trees.
n.o.body sits at the information desk. The gift shop is locked. n.o.body speaks to me as I study the directory on the lobby wall, even though two figures in gowns and masks hurry past. CHIEF OF MEDICINE, DR. RANDOLF SATLER. Third floor, east wing. The elevator is deserted.
It stop at the second floor. When the doors open a man stands there, a middle-aged farmer in overalls and work boots, his eyes red and swollen like he"s been crying. There are tinted windows across from the elevators and I can see the back of him reflected in the gla.s.s. Coming and going. From somewhere I hear a voice calling, "Nurse, oh nurse, oh G.o.d..." A gurney sits in hallway, the body on it covered by a sheet up to the neck. The man in overalls looks at me and raises both hands to ward off the elevator, like it"s some kind of demon. He steps backward. The doors close.
I grip the railing on the elevator wall.
The third floor looks empty. Bright arrows lead along the hallways: yellow for PATHOLOGY and LAB SERVICES, green for RESPIRATORY THERAPY, red for SUPPORT SERVICES. I follow the yellow arrow.
It dead-ends at an empty alcove with chairs, magazines thrown on the floor. And three locked doors off a short corridor that"s little more than an alcove.
I pick the farthest door and pound on it. No words, just regular blows of my fist. After a minute, I start on the second one. A voice calls, "Who"s there?"
I recognize the voice, even through the locked door. Even after seventeen years. I shout, "Police! Open the door!"And he does. The second it cracks, I shove it hard and push my way into the lab.
"Elizabeth?"
He"s older, heavier, but still the same. Dark hair, blue eyes... I look at that face every day at dinner. I"ve looked at it at soccer matches, in school plays, in his playpen. Dr. Satler looks more shaken to see me than I would have thought, his face white, sweat on his forehead.
"h.e.l.lo, Randy."
"Elizabeth. You can"t come in here. You have to leave-"
"Because of the staph? Do you think I care about that? After all, I"m in the hospital, right, Randy? This is where the endozine is. This place is safe. Unless it gets blown up while I"m standing here."
He stares at my left hand, still gripping the doork.n.o.b behind me. Then at the gun in my right hand. A seventeen-year-old Smith & Wesson, and for five of those years the gun wasn"t cleaned or oiled, hidden under my aunt"s garage. But it still fires.
"I"m not going to shoot you, Randy. I don"t care if you"re alive or dead. But you"re going to help me. I can"t find my son-" your son "-and Sylvia G.o.ddard told me he"s mixed up with that group that blew up the bridge. He"s hiding with them someplace, probably scared out of his skull. You know everybody in town, everybody with power, you"re going to get on that phone there and find out where Sean is."
"I would do that anyway," Randy says, and now he looks the way I remember him: impatient and arrogant. But not completely. There"s still sweat on his pale face. "Put that stupid thing away, Elizabeth."
"No."
"Oh, for..." He turns his back on me and punches at the phone.