Bland makes a plummy joke enjoyed at Mr. Merrywidow"s expense and sits down.
But Jack won"t give up. Next week he"s back on telly for the Struggle of Parliament interview. Jack"s had the Bone examined by experts. It"s human. Undoubtedly human. The strange shapes are caused by limbs melting together in soil heavy with lime. Chemical reactions, he says. We have-he raises his eyes to the camera-been mining ma.s.s graves.
A shock to all those who still long for the years of common decency. Someone, says Jack, is mining more than our heritage. Hasn"t free market capitalism got a little bit out of touch when we start selling the arms, legs and skulls of our forebears? The torsos and shoulder-blades of our honorable dead? What did we use to call people who did that? When was the government going to stop this trade in corpses?
It"s denied.
It"s proved.
It looks like trade is about to slump.
I think of framing the checks as a reminder of the vagaries of fate and give up any idea of popping the question to my old muse Little Trudi, who is back on the market, having been dumped by her corporate suit in a fit, he"s told her, of self-disgust after seeing The Tolstoy Investment with Eddie Izzard. Bernie, I tell mypartner, the Bone business is down the drain. We might as well bin the stuff we"ve stockpiled.
Then two days later the TV news reports a vast public interest in London Bone.
Some lordly old queen with four names comes on the evening news to say how by owning a piece of Bone, you own London"s true history. You become a curator of some ancient ancestor. He"s clearly got a vested interest in the stuff. It"s the hottest tourist item since Jack the Ripper razors and OJ gloves. More people want to buy it than ever.
The only trouble is, I don"t deal in dead people. It is, in fact, where I have always drawn the line. Even Pratface Charlie wouldn"t sell his great-great-grandmother"s elbow to some overweight j.a.p in a deerstalker and a kilt. I"m faced with a genuine moral dilemma.
I make a decision. I make a promise to myself. I can"t go back on that. I go down to the Italian chippy in Fortess Road, stoke up on nourishing ritual grease (cod, roe, chips and mushy peas, bread and b.u.t.ter and tea, syrup pudding), then heave my out-of-shape, but mentally prepared, body up onto Parliament Hill to roll myself a big wacky-baccy f.a.g and let my subconscious think the problem through.
When I emerge from my reverie, I have looked out over the whole misty London panorama and considered the city"s complex history. I have thought about the number of dead buried there since, say, the time of Boadicea, and what they mean to the soil we build on, the food we still grow here and the air we breathe. We are recycling our ancestors all the time, one way or another. We are sucking them in and s.h.i.tting them out. We"re eating them. We"re drinking them. We"re coughing them up. The dead don"t rest. Bits of them are permanently at work. So what am I doing wrong?
This thought is comforting until my moral sense, sharpening itself up after a long rest, kicks in with-but what"s different here is you"re flogging the stuff to people who take it home with them. Back to Wisconsin and California and Peking. You take it out of circulation. You"re dissipating the deep fabric of the city. You"re unraveling something. Like, the real infrastructure, the spiritual and physical bones of an ancient settlement...
On Kite Hill I suddenly realize that those bones are in some way the deep lifestuff of London.
It grows dark over the towers and roofs of the metropolis. I sit on my bench and roll myself up a further joint. I watch the silver rising from the river, the deep golden glow of the distant lights, the plush of the foliage, and as I watch it seems to shred before my eyes, like a rotten curtain. Even the traffic noise grows fainter. Is the city sick? Is she expiring? Somehow it seems there"s a little less breath in the old girl. I blame myself. And Bernie. And those kids.
There and then, on the spot, I renounce all further interest in the Bone trade. If n.o.body else will take the relics back, then I will.
There"s no resolve purer than that which you draw from a really good reefer.THREE So now there isn"t a tourist in any London market or antique arcade who isn"t searching out Bone. They know it isn"t cheap. They know they have to pay. And pay they do. Through the nose. And half of what they buy is c.r.a.p or fakes. This is a question of status, not authenticity. As long as we say it"s good, they can say it"s good. We give it a provenance, a story, something to color the tale to the folks back home. We"re honest dealers. We sell only the authentic stuff. Still they get conned.
But still they look. Still they buy.
Jealous Mancunians and Brummies long for a history old enough to provide them with Bone. A few of the early settlements, like Chester and York, start turning up something like it, but it"s not the same. Jim Morrison"s remains disappear from Pere La Chaise. They might be someone else"s bones, anyway. Rumor is they were KFC bones. The revolutionary death-pits fail to deliver the goods. The French are furious.
They accuse the British of gross materialism and poor taste. Oscar Wilde disappears. George Eliot. Winston Churchill. You name them. For a few months there is a grotesque trade in the remains of the famous. But the fashion has no intrinsic substance and fizzles out. Anyone could have seen it wouldn"t run.
Bone has the image, because Bone really is beautiful.
Too many people are yearning for that Bone. The real stuff. It genuinely hurts me to disappoint them. Circ.u.mstances alter cases. Against my better judgment I continue in the business. I bend my principles, just for the duration. We have as much turnover as we had selling to the Swiss gnomes. It"s the latest item on the beento list. "You have to bring me back some London Bone, Ethel, or I"ll never forgive you!" It starts to appear in the American luxury catalogs.
But by now there are ratsniffers everywhere-from Trade and Industry, from the National Trust, from the Heritage Corp, from half-a-dozen .South London councils, from the Special Branch, from the CID, the Inland Revenue and both the Funny and the Serious Fraud Squads.
Any busybody who ever wanted to put his head under someone else"s bed is having a wonderful time. Having failed dramatically with the STOP THIS DISGUSTING TRADE approach, the tabloids switch to offering bits of Bone as prizes in circulation boosters. I sell a newspaper consortium a Tesco"s plastic bagfull for two-and-a-half mill via a go-between. Bernie and I are getting almost frighteningly rich. I open some bank accounts offsh.o.r.e and I become an important anonymous shareholder in the Queen Elizabeth Hall when it"s privatized.
It doesn"t take long for the experts to come up with an a.n.a.lysis. Most of the Bone has been down there since the seventeenth century and earlier. They are the sites of the old plague pits where legend had it still-living bodies were thrown in with the dead. For a while it must have seemed like Auschwitz-on-Thames. The chemical action of lime, partial burning, London clay and decaying flesh, together with the broadening spread of the London water-table, thanks to various engineering works over the last century, letting untreated sewageinto the mix, had created our unique London Bone. As for the decorations, that, it was opined, was the work of the pit guards, working on earlier bones found on the same site.
"Blood, s.h.i.t and bone," says Bernie. "It"s what makes the world go round. That and money, of course."
"And love," I add. I"m doing all right these days. It"s true what they say about a Roller. Little Trudi has enthusiastically rediscovered my attractions. She has her eye on a ring. I raise my gla.s.s. "And love, Bernie."
"f.u.c.k that," says Bernie. "Not in my experience." He"s buying Paul McCartney"s old place in Wamering and having it converted for Persians. He has, it is true, also bought his wife her dream house. She doesn"t seem to mind it"s on the island of Las Cascadas about six miles off the coast of Morocco. She"s at last agreed to divorce him. Apart from his mother, she"s the only woman he ever had anything to do with and he isn"t, he says, planning to try another. The only females he wants in his house in future come with a pedigree a mile long, have all their shots and can be bought at Harrods.
FOUR.
I expect you heard what happened. The private Bonefields, which contractors were discovering all over South and West London, actually contained public bones.
They were part of our national inheritance. They had living relatives. And stones, some of them. So it became a political and a moral issue. The Church got involved.
The airwaves were crowded with concerned clergy. There was the problem of the self-named bone-miners. Kids, inspired by our leaders" rhetoric, and aspiring to imitate those great captains of free enterprise they had been taught to admire, were turning over ordinary graveyards, which they"d already stripped of their salable masonry, and digging up somewhat fresher stiffs than was seemly.
A bit too fresh. It was pointless. The Bone took centuries to get seasoned and so far n.o.body had been able to fake the process. A few of the older graveyards had small deposits of Bone in them. Brompton Cemetery had a surprising amount, for instance, and so did Highgate. This attracted prospectors. They used shovels mainly, but sometimes low explosives. The area around Karl Marx"s monument looked like they"d refought the Russian Civil War over it. The barbed wire put in after the event hadn"t helped. And as usual the public paid to clean up after private enterprise. n.o.body in their right mind got buried any more. Cremation became very popular. The borough councils and their financial managers were happy because more valuable real estate wasn"t being occupied by a non-consumer.
It didn"t matter how many security guards were posted or, by one extreme Authority, land-mines: the teenies left no grave unturned. Bone was still a profitable item, even though the market had settled down since we started. They dug up Bernie"s mother. They dug up my cousin Leonard. There wasn"t a Londoner who didn"t have some intimate unexpectedly back above ground. Every night you saw it on telly.It had caught the public imagination. The media had never made much of the desecrated graveyards, the chiseled-off angels" heads and the uprooted headstones on sale in King"s Road and the Boulevard St. Michel since the 1970s. These had been the targets of first-generation grave-robbers. Then there had seemed nothing left to steal. Even they had balked at doing the corpses. Besides, there wasn"t a market. This second generation was making up for lost time, turning over the soil faster than an earthworm on E.
The news shots became cliches. The heaped earth, the headstone, the smashed coffin, the hint of the contents, the leader of the Opposition coming on to say how all this has happened since his mirror image got elected. The councils argued that they should be given the authority to deal with the problem. They owned the graveyards. And also, they reasoned, the Bonefields. The profits from those fields should rightly go into the public purse. They could help pay for the Health Service.
"Let the dead," went their favorite slogan, "pay for the living for a change."
What the local politicians actually meant was that they hoped to claim the land in the name of the public and then make the usual profits privatizing it. There was a principle at stake. They had to ensure their friends and not outsiders got the benefit.
The High Court eventually gave the judgment to the public, which really meant turning it over to some of the most rapacious borough councils in our history. In the 1980s, that Charlie Peace of elected bodies, the Westminster City Council, had tried to sell their old graveyards to new developers. This current judgment allowed all councils at last to maximize their a.s.sets from what was, after all, dead land, completely unable to pay for itself, and therefore a natural target for privatization.
The feeding frenzy began. It was the closest thing to ma.s.s cannibalism I"ve ever seen.
We had opened a fronter in Old Sweden Street and had a couple of halfway presentable slags from Bernie"s club taking the calls and answering inquiries. We were straight up about it. We called it The City Bone Exchange. The bloke who decorated it and did the sign specialized in giving offices that long-established look.
He"d created most of those old-fashioned West End Hotels you"d never heard of until 1999. "If it"s got a Scottish name," he used to say, "it"s one of mine.
Americans love the skirl of the pipes, but they trust a bit of bra.s.s and varnish best."
Our place was almost all bra.s.s and varnish. And it worked a treat. The Ritz and the Savoy sent us their best potential buyers. Incredibly exclusive private hotels gave us taxi-loads of bland-faced American boy-men, reeking of health and beauty products and bellowing their credentials to the wind, rich matrons eager for anyone"s approval, ma.s.sive Germans with aggressive cackles, stern orientals glaring at us, daring us to cheat them. They bought. And they bought. And they bought.
The snoopers kept on snooping but there wasn"t really much to find out.
Livingstone International took an aggressive interest in us for a while, but what could they do? We weren"t up to anything illegal just selling the stuff and n.o.body could identify what if anything had been nicked anyway. I still had my misgivings. They weren"t anything but superst.i.tions, really. It did seem sometimes that for every layerof false antiquity, for every act of disneyfication, an inch or two of our real foundations crumbled. You knew what happened when you did that to a house.
Sooner or later you got trouble. Sooner or later you had no house.
We had more than our share of private detectives for a while. They always pretended to be customers and they always looked wrong, even to our girls.
Livingstone International had definitely made a connection. I think they"d found our mine and guessed what a windfall they"d lost. They didn"t seem at one with themselves over the matter. They even made veiled threats. There was some swagger came in to talk about violence but they were spotties who"d got all their language off old nineties TV shows. So we sweated it out and the girls took most of the heat.
Those girls really didn"t know anything. They were magnificently ignorant. They had tellies with chips which switch channels as soon as they detect a news or information program.
I"ve always had a rule. If you"re caught by the same wave twice, get out of the water.
While I didn"t blame myself for not antic.i.p.ating the Great Andrew Lloyd Webber Slump, I think I should have guessed what would happen next. The tolerance of the public for bull-s.h.i.t had become decidedly and aggressively negative. It was like the Bone had set new standards of public aspiration as well as beauty. My dad used to say that about the Blitz. Cla.s.sical music enjoyed a huge success during the Second World War. Everybody grew up at once. The Bone made it happen again. It was a bit frightening to those of us who had always relied on a nice, pa.s.sive, gullible, greedy punter for an income.
The bitter fights which had developed over graveyard and Bonefield rights and boundaries, the eagerness with which some borough councils exploited their new resource, the unseemly trade in what was, after all, human remains, the corporate involvement, the incredible profits, the hypocrisies and politics around the Bone brought us the outspoken disgust of Europe. We were used to that. In fact, we tended to cultivate it. But that wasn"t the problem.
The problem was that our own public had had enough.
When the elections came round, the voters systematically booted out anyone who had supported the Bone trade. It was like the sudden rise of the anti-slavery vote in Lincoln"s America. They demanded an end to the commerce in London Bone. They got the Boneshops closed down. They got work on the Bonefields stopped. They got their graveyards and monuments protected and cleaned up. They got a city which started cultivating peace and security as if it was a cash crop. Which maybe it was. But it hurt me.
It was the end of my easy money, of course. I"ll admit I was glad it was stopping.
It felt like they were slowing entropy, restoring the past. The quality of life improved.
I began to think about letting a few rooms for company.
The mood of the country swung so far into disapproval of the Bone trade that I almost began to fear for my life. Road and anti-abortion activists switched theirattention to Bone merchants. Hampstead was full of screaming lefties convinced they owned the moral highground just because they"d paid off their enormous mortgages.
Trudi, after three months, applied for a divorce, arguing that she had not known my business when she married me. She said she was disgusted. She said I"d been living on blood-money. The courts awarded her more than half of what I"d made, but it didn"t matter any more. My investments were such that I couldn"t stop earning.
Economically, I was a small oil-producing nation. I had my own international dialing code. It was horrible in a way. Unless I tried very hard, it looked like I could never be ruined again. There was no justice.
I met Bernie in The King Lyar in Old Sweden Street, a few doors down from our burned-out office. I told him what I planned to do and he shrugged.
"We both knew it was dodgy," he told me. "It was dodgy all along, even when we thought it was mastodons. What it feels like to me, Ray, is-it feels like a sort of a ma.s.sive transformation of the Zeitgeist-you know, like Virginia Woolf said about the day human nature changed-something happens slowly and you"re not aware of it. Everything seems normal. Then you wake up one morning .and-bingo!-it"s n.a.z.i Germany or Bolshevik Russia or Thatcherite England or the Golden Age-and all the rules have changed."
"Maybe it was the Bone that did it," I said. "Maybe it was a symbol everyone needed to rally round. You know. A focus."
"Maybe," he said. "Let me know when you"re doing it. I"ll give you a hand."
About a week later we got the van backed up to the warehouse loading bay. It was three o"clock in the morning and I was chilled to the marrow. Working in silence we transferred every sc.r.a.p of Bone to the van. Then we drove back to Hampstead through a freezing rain.
I don"t know why we did it the way we did it. There would have been easier solutions, I suppose. But behind the high walls of my big back garden, under the old trees and etiolated rhododendrons, we dug a pit and filled it with the glowing remains of the ancient dead.
The stuff was almost phosph.o.r.escent as we chucked the big lumps of clay back on to it. It glowed a rich amber and that faint, rosemary smell came off it. I can still smell it when I go in there to this day. My soft fruit is out of this world. The whole garden"s doing wonderfully now.
In fact London"s doing wonderfully. We seem to be back on form. There"s still a bit of a bone trade, of course, but it"s marginal.
Every so often I"m tempted to take a spade and turn over the earth again, to look at the fortune I"m hiding there. To look at the beauty of it. The strange amber glow never fades and sometimes I think the decoration on the Bone is an important message I should perhaps try to decipher.
I"m still a very rich man. Not justly so, but there it is. And, of course, I"m about as popular with the public as Percy the Pedophile. Gold the Bone King? I might as well be Gold the Grave Robber. I don"t go down to Soho much. When I do make itto a show or something I try to disguise myself a bit. I don"t see anything of Bernie any more and I heard two of the stoodies topped themselves.
I do my best to make amends. I"m circulating my profits as fast as I can. Talent"s flooding into London from everywhere, making a powerful mix. They say they haven"t known a buzz like it since 1967. I"m a reliable investor in great new shows.
Every year I back the Iggy Pop Awards, the most prestigious in the business. But not everybody will take my money. I am regularly reviled. That"s why some organizations receive anonymous donations. They would refuse them if they knew they were from me.
I"ve had the extremes of good and bad luck riding this particular switch in the Zeitgeist and the only time I"m happy is when I wake up in the morning and I"ve forgotten who I am. It seems I share a common disgust for myself.
A few dubious customers, however, think I owe them something.
Another bloke, who used to be very rich before he made some frenetic investments after his career went down the drain, called me the other day. He knew of my interest in the theater, that I had invested in several West End hits. He thought I"d be interested in his idea. He wanted to revive his first success, Rebecca"s Incredibly Far Out Well or something, which he described as a powerful religious rock opera guaranteed to capture the new nostalgia market. The times, he told me, they were a-changin". His show, he continued, was full of raw old-fashioned R&B energy. Just the sort of authentic sound to attract the new no-nonsense youngsters.
Wasn"t it cool that Madonna wanted to do the t.i.tle role? And Bob Geldof would play the Spirit of the Well. Rock and roll, man! It"s all in the staging, man!
Remember the boat in Phantom;1 1 can make it look better than real. On stage, man, that well is W.E.T. WET! Rock and roll! I could see that little wizened first punching the air in a parody of the vitality he craved and whose source had always eluded him.
I had to tell him it was a non-starter. I"d turned over a new leaf, I said. I was taking my ethics seriously.
These days I only deal in living talent.
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HarperPrism A Division ofHarperCollinsPublishers 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022-5299 If you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book."
These are works of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogues are products of the authors" imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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Story Copyrights "Petting Zoo" copyright 1997 by Gene Wolfe. First appeared in Dinosaur Fantastic II. Reprinted by permission of the author and the author"s agent, Virginia Kidd.
"The Wisdom of Old Earth" copyright 1997 by Michael Swanwick. First appeared in Isaac Asimov"s Science Fiction Magazine, December 1997.
"The Firefly Tree" copyright 1997 by Jack Williamson.
"Thirteen Views of a Cardboard City" copyright 1996 by William Gibson.
"The Nostalgianauts" copyright 1996 by Sharon N. Farber.
"Guest Law" copyright 1997 by John C. Wright. "The Voice" copyright 1997 by Gregory Benford.
"Yeyuka" copyright 1997 by Greg Egan. First published in Meanjin 1,1997.
Reprinted by permission of the author.
"An Office Romance" copyright 1997 by Terry Bisson. Originally published in Playboy, February 1997. Reprinted here by permission of the author and his literary agent Susan Ann Protter. All rights reserved.