Margit took his face in her hands and kissed him. Her mouth tasted of wood smoke.
Jamil said, "I don"t even know you."
"No one knows anyone, anymore."
"That"s not true."
"No, it"s not," she conceded gloomily. She ran a hand lightly along his arm. Jamil wanted badly to see her smile, so he made each dark hair thicken and blossom into a violet flower as it pa.s.sed beneath her fingers.
She did smile, but she said, "I"ve seen that trick before."
Jamil was annoyed. "I"m sure to be a disappointment all around, then. I expect you"d be happier with some kind of novelty. A unicorn, or an amoeba."
She laughed. "I don"t think so." She took his hand and placed it against her breast. "Do you ever get tired of s.e.x?"
"Do you ever get tired of breathing?"
"I can go for a long time without thinking about it."
He nodded. "But then one day you stop and fill your lungs with air, and it"s still as sweet as ever."
Jamil didn"t know what he was feeling anymore. l.u.s.t. Compa.s.sion. Spite. She"d come to him hurting, and he wanted to help her, but he wasn"t sure that either of them really believed this would work.
Margit inhaled the scent of the flowers on his arm. "Are they the same colour? Everywhere else?"
He said, "There"s only one way to find out."
Jamil woke in the early hours of the morning, alone. He"d half expected Margit to flee like this, but she could have waited till dawn. He would have obligingly feigned sleep while she dressed and tip-toed out.
Then he heard her. It was not a sound he would normally have a.s.sociated with a human being, but it could not have been anything else.
He found her in the kitchen, curled around a table leg, wailing rhythmically. He stood back and watched her, afraid that anything he did would only make things worse. She met his gaze in the half light, but kept up the mechanical whimper. Her eyes weren"t blank; she was not delirious, or hallucinating. She knew exactly who, and where, she was.
Finally, Jamil knelt in the doorway. He said, "Whatever it is, you can tell me. And we"ll fix it. We"llfind a way."
She bared her teeth. "You can"t fix it, you stupid child." She resumed the awful noise.
"Then just tell me. Please?" He stretched out a hand towards her. He hadn"t felt quite so helpless since his very first daughter, Aminata, had come to him as an inconsolable six-year-old, rejected by the boy to whom she"d declared her undying love. He"d been 24 years old; a child himself. More than a thousand years ago. Where are you now, Nata?
Margit said, "I promised. I"d never tell."
"Promised who?"
"Myself."
"Good. They"re the easiest kind to break."
She started weeping. It was a more ordinary sound, but it was even more chilling. She was not a wounded animal now, an alien being suffering some incomprehensible pain. Jamil approached her cautiously; she let him wrap his arms around her shoulders.
He whispered, "Come to bed. The warmth will help. Just being held will help."
She spat at him derisively, "It won"t bring her back."
"Who?"
Margit stared at him in silence, as if he"d said something shocking.
Jamil insisted gently, "Who won"t it bring back?" She"d lost a friend, badly, the way he"d lost Chusok.
That was why she"d sought him out. He could help her through it. They could help each other through it.
She said, "It won"t bring back the dead."
Margit was seven thousand five hundred and ninety-four years old. Jamil persuaded her to sit at the kitchen table. He wrapped her in blankets, then fed her tomatoes and rice, as she told him how she"d witnessed the birth of his world.
The promise had shimmered just beyond reach for decades. Almost none of her contemporaries had believed it would happen, though the truth should have been plain for centuries: the human body was a material thing. In time, with enough knowledge and effort, it would become possible to safeguard it from any kind of deterioration, any kind of harm. Stellar evolution and cosmic entropy might or might not prove insurmountable, but there"d be aeons to confront those challenges. In the middle of the 21st century, the hurdles were aging, disease, violence, and an overcrowded planet.
"Grace was my best friend. We were students." Margit smiled. "Before everyone was a student.
We"d talk about it, but we didn"t believe we"d see it happen. It would come in another century. It would come for our great-great-grandchildren. We"d hold infants on our knees in our twilight years and tell ourselves: this one will never die.
"When we were both 22, something happened. To both of us." She lowered her eyes. "We were kidnapped. We were raped. We were tortured."
Jamil didn"t know how to respond. These were just words to him: he knew their meaning, he knew these acts would have hurt her, but she might as well have been describing a mathematical theorem. He stretched a hand across the table, but Margit ignored it. He said awkwardly, "This was...the Holocaust?"
She looked up at him, shaking her head, almost laughing at his naivete. "Not even one of them. Not a war, not a pogrom. Just one psychopathic man. He locked us in his bas.e.m.e.nt, for six months. He"d killed seven women." Tears began spilling down her cheeks. "He showed us the bodies. They were buried right where we slept. He showed us how we"d end up, when he was through with us."
Jamil was numb. He"d known all his adult life what had once been possible-what had once happened, to real people-but it had all been consigned to history long before his birth. In retrospect it seemed almost inconceivably stupid, but he"d always imagined that the changes had come in such a way that no one still living had experienced these horrors. There"d been no escaping the bare minimum, the logical necessity: his oldest living ancestors must have watched their parents fall peacefully into eternal sleep. But not this. Not a flesh-and-blood woman, sitting in front of him, who"d been forced to sleep in a killer"s graveyard.
He put his hand over hers, and choked out the words. "This man...killed Grace? He killed yourfriend?"
Margit began sobbing, but she shook her head. "No, no. We got out!" She twisted her mouth into a smile. "Someone stabbed the stupid f.u.c.ker in a bar-room brawl. We dug our way out while he was in hospital." She put her face down on the table and wept, but she held Jamil"s hand against her cheek. He couldn"t understand what she"d lived through, but that didn"t mean he couldn"t console her. Hadn"t he touched his mother"s face the same way, when she was sad beyond his childish comprehension?
She composed herself, and continued. "We made a resolution, while we were in there. If we survived, there"d be no more empty promises. No more day dreams. What he"d done to those seven women-and what he"d done to us-would become impossible."
And it had. Whatever harm befell your body, you had the power to shut off your senses and decline to experience it. If the flesh was damaged, it could always be repaired or replaced. In the unlikely event that your jewel itself was destroyed, everyone had backups, scattered across universes. No human being could inflict physical pain on another. In theory, you could still be killed, but it would take the same kind of resources as destroying a galaxy. The only people who seriously contemplated either were the villains in very bad operas.
Jamil"s eyes narrowed in wonder. She"d spoken those last words with such fierce pride that there was no question of her having failed.
"You are Ndoli? You invented the jewel?" As a child, he"d been told that the machine in his skull had been designed by a man who"d died long ago.
Margit stroked his hand, amused. "In those days, very few Hungarian women could be mistaken for Nigerian men. I"ve never changed my body that much, Jamil. I"ve always looked much as you see me."
Jamil was relieved; if she"d been Ndoli himself, he might have succ.u.mbed to sheer awe and started babbling idolatrous nonsense. "But you worked with Ndoli? You and Grace?"
She shook her head. "We made the resolution, and then we floundered. We were mathematicians, not neurologists. There were a thousand things going on at once: tissue engineering, brain imaging, molecular computers. We had no real idea where to put our efforts, which problems we should bring our strengths to bear upon. Ndoli"s work didn"t come out of the blue for us, but we played no part in it.
"For a while, almost everyone was nervous about switching from the brain to the jewel. In the early days, the jewel was a separate device that learned its task by mimicking the brain, and it had to be handed control of the body at one chosen moment. It took another 50 years before it could be engineered to replace the brain incrementally, neuron by neuron, in a seamless transition throughout adolescence."
So Grace had lived to see the jewel invented, but held back, and died before she could use it? Jamil kept himself from blurting out this conclusion; all his guesses had proved wrong so far.
Margit continued. "Some people weren"t just nervous, though. You"d be amazed how vehemently Ndoli was denounced in certain quarters. And I don"t just mean the fanatics who churned out paranoid tracts about "the machines" taking over, with their evil inhuman agendas. Some people"s antagonism had nothing to do with the specifics of the technology. They were opposed to immortality, in principle."
Jamil laughed. "Why?"
"Ten thousand years" worth of sophistry doesn"t vanish overnight," Margit observed dryly. "Every human culture had expended vast amounts of intellectual effort on the problem of coming to terms with death. Most religions had constructed elaborate lies about it, making it out to be something other than it was-though a few were dishonest about life, instead. But even most secular philosophies were warped by the need to pretend that death was for the best.
"It was the naturalistic fallacy at its most extreme-and its most transparent, but that didn"t stop anyone. Since any child could tell you that death was meaningless, contingent, unjust, and abhorrent beyond words, it was a hallmark of sophistication to believe otherwise. Writers had consoled themselves for centuries with smug puritanical fables about immortals who"d long for death-who"d beg for death. It would have been too much to expect all those who were suddenly faced with the reality of its banishment to confess that they"d been whistling in the dark. And would-be moral philosophers-mostly those who"d experienced no greater inconvenience in their lives than a late train or a surly waiter-began wailing aboutthe destruction of the human spirit by this hideous blight. We needed death and suffering, to put steel into our souls! Not horrible, horrible freedom and safety!"
Jamil smiled. "So there were buffoons. But in the end, surely they swallowed their pride? If we"re walking in a desert and I tell you that the lake you see ahead is a mirage, I might cling stubbornly to my own belief, to save myself from disappointment. But when we arrive, and I"m proven wrong, I will drink from the lake."
Margit nodded. "Most of the loudest of these people went quiet in the end. But there were subtler arguments, too. Like it or not, all our biology and all of our culture had evolved in the presence of death.
And almost every righteous struggle in history, every worthwhile sacrifice, had been against suffering, against violence, against death. Now, that struggle would become impossible."
"Yes." Jamil was mystified. "But only because it had triumphed."
Margit said gently, "I know. There was no sense to it. And it was always my belief that anything worth fighting for-over centuries, over millennia-was worth attaining. It can"t be n.o.ble to toil for a cause, and even to die for it, unless it"s also n.o.ble to succeed. To claim otherwise isn"t sophistication, it"s just a kind of hypocrisy. If it"s better to travel than arrive, you shouldn"t start the voyage in the first place.
"I told Grace as much, and she agreed. We laughed together at what we called the tragedians: the people who denounced the coming age as the age without martyrs, the age without saints, the age without revolutionaries. There would never be another Gandhi, another Mandela, another Aung San Suu Kyi-and yes, that was a kind of loss, but would any great leader have sentenced humanity to eternal misery, for the sake of providing a suitable backdrop for eternal heroism? Well, some of them would have. But the down-trodden themselves had better things to do."
Margit fell silent. Jamil cleared her plate away, then sat opposite her again. It was almost dawn.
"Of course, the jewel was not enough," Margit continued. "With care, Earth could support 40 billion people, but where would the rest go? The jewel made virtual reality the easiest escape route: for a fraction of the s.p.a.ce, a fraction of the energy, it could survive without a body attached. Grace and I weren"t horrified by that prospect, the way some people were. But it was not the best outcome, it was not what most people wanted, the way they wanted freedom from death.
"So we studied gravity, we studied the vacuum."
Jamil feared making a fool of himself again, but from the expression on her face he knew he wasn"t wrong this time. M. Osvat and G. Fust. Co-authors of the seminal paper, but no more was known about them than those abbreviated names. "You gave us the New Territories?"
Margit nodded slightly. "Grace and I."
Jamil was overwhelmed with love for her. He went to her and knelt down to put his arms around her waist. Margit touched his shoulder. "Come on, get up. Don"t treat me like a G.o.d, it just makes me feel old."
He stood, smiling abashedly. Anyone in pain deserved his help-but if he was not in her debt, the word had no meaning.
"And Grace?" he asked.
Margit looked away. "Grace completed her work, and then decided that she was a tragedian, after all. Rape was impossible. Torture was impossible. Poverty was vanishing. Death was receding into cosmology, into metaphysics. It was everything she"d hoped would come to pa.s.s. And for her, suddenly faced with that fulfilment, everything that remained seemed trivial.
"One night, she climbed into the furnace in the bas.e.m.e.nt of her building. Her jewel survived the flames, but she"d erased it from within."
It was morning now. Jamil was beginning to feel disoriented; Margit should have vanished in daylight, an apparition unable to persist in the mundane world.
"I"d lost other people who were close to me," she said. "My parents. My brother. Friends. And so had everyone around me, then. I wasn"t special: grief was still common-place. But decade by decade, century by century, we shrank into insignificance, those of us who knew what it meant to lose someone for ever. We"re less than one in a million, now."For a long time, I clung to my own generation. There were enclaves, there were ghettos, where everyone understood the old days. I spent 200 years married to a man who wrote a play called We Who Have Known the Dead-which was every bit as pretentious and self-pitying as you"d guess from the t.i.tle." She smiled at the memory. "It was a horrible, self-devouring world. If I"d stayed in it much longer, I would have followed Grace. I would have begged for death."
She looked up at Jamil. "It"s people like you I want to be with: people who don"t understand. Your lives aren"t trivial, any more than the best parts of our own were: all the tranquility, all the beauty, all the happiness that made the sacrifices and the life-and-death struggles worthwhile.
"The tragedians were wrong. They had everything upside-down. Death never gave meaning to life: it was always the other way round. All of its gravitas, all of its significance, was stolen from the things it ended. But the value of life always lay entirely in itself-not in its loss, not in its fragility.
"Grace should have lived to see that. She should have lived long enough to understand that the world hadn"t turned to ash."
Jamil sat in silence, turning the whole confession over in his mind, trying to absorb it well enough not to add to her distress with a misjudged question. Finally, he ventured, "Why do you hold back from friendship with us, though? Because we"re just children to you? Children who can"t understand what you"ve lost?"
Margit shook her head vehemently. "I don"t want you to understand! People like me are the only blight on this world, the only poison." She smiled at Jamil"s expression of anguish, and rushed to silence him before he could swear that she was nothing of the kind. "Not in everything we do and say, or everyone we touch: I"m not claiming that we"re tainted, in some fatuous mythological sense. But when I left the ghettos, I promised myself that I wouldn"t bring the past with me. Sometimes that"s an easy vow to keep. Sometimes it"s not."
"You"ve broken it tonight," Jamil said plainly. "And neither of us have been struck down by lightning."
"I know." She took his hand. "But I was wrong to tell you what I have, and I"ll fight to regain the strength to stay silent. I stand at the border between two worlds, Jamil. I remember death, and I always will. But my job now is to guard that border. To keep that knowledge from invading your world."
"We"re not as fragile as you think," he protested. "We all know something about loss."
Margit nodded soberly. "Your friend Chusok was vanished into the crowd. That"s how things work now: how you keep yourselves from suffocating in a jungle of endlessly growing connections, or fragmenting into isolated troupes of repertory players, endlessly churning out the same lines.
"You have your little deaths-and I don"t call them that to deride you. But I"ve seen both. And I promise you, they"re not the same."
In the weeks that followed, Jamil resumed in full the life he"d made for himself in Noether. Five days in seven were for the difficult beauty of mathematics. The rest were for his friends.
He kept playing matches, and Margit"s team kept winning. In the sixth game, though, Jamil"s team finally scored against her. Their defeat was only three to one.
Each night, Jamil struggled with the question. What exactly did he owe her? Eternal loyalty, eternal silence, eternal obedience? She hadn"t sworn him to secrecy; she"d extracted no promises at all. But he knew she was trusting him to comply with her wishes, so what right did he have to do otherwise?
Eight weeks after the night he"d spent with Margit, Jamil found himself alone with Penina in a room in Joracy"s house. They"d been talking about the old days. Talking about Chusok.
Jamil said, "Margit lost someone, very close to her."
Penina nodded matter-of-factly, but curled into a comfortable position on the couch and prepared to take in every word.
"Not in the way we"ve lost Chusok. Not in the way you think at all."
Jamil approached the others, one by one. His confidence ebbed and flowed. He"d glimpsed the old world, but he couldn"t pretend to have fathomed its inhabitants. What if Margit saw this as worse than betrayal-as a further torture, a further rape?
But he couldn"t stand by and leave her to the torture she"d inflicted on herself.Ezequiel was the hardest to face. Jamil spent a sick and sleepless night beforehand, wondering if this would make him a monster, a corrupter of children, the epitome of everything Margit believed she was fighting.
Ezequiel wept freely, but he was not a child. He was older than Jamil, and he had more steel in his soul than any of them.
He said, "I guessed it might be that. I guessed she might have seen the bad times. But I never found a way to ask her."
The three lobes of probability converged, melted into a plateau, rose into a pillar of light.
The umpire said, "Fifty-five point nine." It was Margit"s most impressive goal yet.