"Who hurt you?"
"Holy women," she said with a snarl.
"Kig? Omery? Lady Sweetness?"
She nodded her body at each name.
"They"re s.h.i.t," I said. "I"ll tell G.o.d Herself."
"No tell," Ruaway whispered. "Poison."
I thought about it and understood. The girls hurt her because she was a stranger, powerless. But if she got them in trouble they would cripple or kill her. Most of the barbarian holy women in our house were lame, or blind, or had had root-poison put in their food so that their skin was scabbed with purplish sores.
"Why don"t you talk right, Ruaway?"
She said nothing.
"You still don"t know how to talk?"
She looked up at me and suddenly said a whole long speech I did not understand. "How I talk," she said at the end, still looking at me, right in the eyes. That was nice; I liked it. Mostly I saw only eyelids.
Ruaway"s eyes were clear and beautiful, though her face was dirty and blood- smeared.
"But it doesn"t mean anything," I said.
"Not here."
"Where does it mean anything?"
Ruaway said some more gra-gra and then said, "My people."
"Your people are Teghs. They fight G.o.d and get beaten."
"Maybe," Ruaway said, sounding like Haghag. Her eyes looked into mine again, without killing in them but without fear. n.o.body looked at me, except Haghag and Tazu and of course G.o.d. Everybody else put their forehead on their thumbs so I couldn"t tell what they were thinking. I wanted to keep Ruaway with me, but if I favored her, Kig and the others would torment and hurt her. I remembered that when Lord Festival began sleeping with Lady Pin, the men who had insulted Lady Pin became oily and sugary with her and the bodymaids stopped stealing her earrings. I said, "Sleep with me tonight," to Ruaway.
She looked stupid. "But wash first," I said.
She still looked stupid.
"I don"t have a p.e.n.i.s!" I said, impatient with her. "If we sleep together Kig will be afraid to touch you."
After a while Ruaway reached out and took my hand and put her forehead against the back of it. It was like thumbing the forehead only it took two people to do it. I liked that. Ruaway"s hand was warm, and I could feel the feather of her eyelashes on my hand.
"Tonight," I said. "You understand?" I had understood that Ruaway didn"t always understand.
Ruaway nodded her body, and I ran off.
I knew n.o.body could stop me from doing anything, being G.o.d"s only daughter, but there was nothing I could do except what I was supposed to do, because everybody in the house of G.o.d knew everything I did. If sleeping with Ruaway was a thing I wasn"t supposed to do, I couldn"t do it. Haghag would tell me. I went to her and asked her.
Haghag scowled. "Why do you want that woman in your bed? She"s a dirty barbarian. She has lice.
She can"t even talk."
Haghag was saying yes. She was jealous. I came and stroked her hand and said, "When I"m G.o.d I"ll give you a room full of gold and jewels and dragon crests."
"You are my gold and jewels, little holy daughter," Haghag said.
Haghag was only a common person, but all the holy men and women in G.o.d"s house, relatives of G.o.d or people touched by G.o.d, had to do what Haghag said. The nurse of G.o.d"s children was always a common person, chosen by G.o.d Herself. Haghag had been chosen to be Omimo"s nurse when her own children were grown up, so when I first remember her she was quite old. She was always the same, with strong hands and a soft voice, saying, "Maybe." She liked to laugh and eat. We were in her heart, and she was in mine. I thought I was her favorite, but when I told her so she said, "After Didi." Didi is what the idiot called himself. I asked her why he was deepest in her heart and she said, "Because he"s foolish.
And you because you"re wise," she said, laughing at me because I was jealous of Lord Idiot.
So now I said, "You fill my heart," and she, knowing it, said hmph.
I think I was eight that year. Ruaway had been thirteen when G.o.d the Father put his p.e.n.i.s into her after killing her father and mother in the war with her people. That made her sacred, so she had to come live in G.o.d"s house. If she had conceived, the priests would have strangled her after she had the baby, and the baby would have been nursed by a common woman for two years and then brought back to G.o.d"s house and trained to be a holy woman, a servant of G.o.d. Most of the bodyservants were G.o.d"s b.a.s.t.a.r.ds. Such people were holy, but had no t.i.tle. Lords and ladies were G.o.d"s relations, descendants of the ancestors of G.o.d. G.o.d"s children were called lord and lady too, except the two who were betrothed.
We were just called Tazu and Ze until we became G.o.d. My name is what the divine mother is called, the name of the sacred plant that feeds the people of G.o.d. Tazu means "great root," because when he was being born our father drinking smoke in the childbirth rituals saw a big tree blown over by a storm, and its roots held thousands of jewels in their fingers.
When G.o.d saw things in the shrine or in sleep, with the eyes in the back of their head, they told the dream priests. The priests would ponder these sights and say whether the oracle foretold what would happen or told what should be done. But never had the priests seen the same things G.o.d saw, together with G.o.d, until the birthday of the world that made me fourteen years old and Tazu eleven.
Now, in these years, when the sun stands still over Mount Kanaghadwa people still call it the birthday of the world and count themselves a year older, but they no longer know and do all the rituals and ceremonies, the dances and songs, the blessings; and there is no feasting in the streets, now.
All my life used to be rituals, ceremonies, dances, songs, blessings, lessons, feasts, and rules. I knew and I know now on which day of G.o.d"s year the first perfect ear of ze is to be brought by an angel from the ancient field up by Wadana where G.o.d set the first seed of the ze. I knew and know whose hand is to thresh it, and whose hand is to grind the grain, and whose lips are to taste the meal, at what hour, in what room of the house of G.o.d, with what priests officiating. There were a thousand rules, but they only seem complicated when I write them here. We knew them and followed them and only thought aboutthem when we were learning them or when they were broken.
I had slept all these years with Ruaway in my bed. She was warm and comfortable. When she began to sleep with me I stopped having bad sights at night as I used to do, seeing huge white clouds whirling in the dark, and toothed mouths of animals, and strange faces that came and changed themselves. When Kig and the other ill-natured holy people saw Ruaway stay in my bedroom with me every night, they dared not lay a finger or a breath on her. n.o.body was allowed to touch me except my family and Haghag and the bodyservants, unless I told them to. And after I was ten, the punishment for touching me was death. All the rules had their uses.
The feast after the birthday of the world used to go on for four days and nights. All the storehouses were open and people could take what they needed. The servants of G.o.d served out food and beer in the streets and squares of the city of G.o.d and every town and village of G.o.d"s country, and common people and holy people ate together. The lords and ladies and G.o.d"s sons went down into the streets to join the feast; only G.o.d and I did not. G.o.d came out on the balcony of the house to hear the histories and see the dances, and I came with them. Singing and dancing priests entertained everyone in the Glittering Square, and drumming priests, and story priests, and history priests. Priests were common people, but what they did was holy.
But before the feast, there were many days of rituals, and on the day itself, as the sun stopped above the right shoulder of Kanaghadwa, G.o.d Himself danced the Dance that Turns, to bring the year back round.
He wore a gold belt and the gold sun mask, and danced in front of our house on the Glittering Square, which is paved with stones full of mica that flash and sparkle in the sunlight. We children were on the long south balcony to see G.o.d dance.
Just as the dance was ending a cloud came across the sun as it stood still over the right shoulder of the mountain, one cloud in the clear blue summer sky. Everybody looked up as the light dimmed. The glittering died out of the stones. All the people in the city made a sound, "Oh," drawing breath. G.o.d Himself did not look up, but his step faltered.
He made the last turns of the dance and went into the ash-house, where all the Goiz are in the walls, with the bowls where their food is burned in front of each of them, full of ashes.
There the dream priests were waiting for him, and G.o.d Herself had lighted the herbs to make the smoke to drink. The oracle of the birthday was the most important one of the year. Everybody waited in the squares and streets and on the balconies for the priests to come out and tell what G.o.d Himself had seen over his shoulder and interpret it to guide us in the new year. After that the feasting would begin.
Usually it took till evening or night for the smoke to bring the seeing and for G.o.d to tell it to the priests and for them to interpret it and tell us. People were settling down to wait indoors or in shady places, for when the cloud had pa.s.sed it became very hot. Tazu and Arzi and the idiot and I stayed out on the long balcony with Haghag and some of the lords and ladies, and Omimo, who had come back from the army for the birthday.
He was a grown man now, tall and strong. After the birthday he was going east to command the army making war on the Tegh and Chasi peoples. He had hardened the skin of his body the way soldiers did by rubbing it with stones and herbs until it was thick and tough as the leather of a ground-dragon, almost black, with a dull shine. He was handsome, but I was glad now that I was to marry Tazu not him.
An ugly man looked out of his eyes.
He made us watch him cut his arm with his knife to show how the thick skin was cut deep yet did not bleed. He kept saying he was going to cut Tazu"s arm to show how quickly Tazu would bleed. He boasted about being a general and slaughtering barbarians. He said things like, "I"ll walk across the river on their corpses. I"ll drive them into the jungles and burn the jungles down." He said the Tegh people were so stupid they called a flying lizard G.o.d. He said that they let their women fight in wars, which was such an evil thing that when he captured such women he would cut open their bellies and trample their wombs. I said nothing. I knew Ruaway"s mother had been killed fighting beside her father. They had led a small army which G.o.d Himself had easily defeated. G.o.d made war on the barbarians not to kill them but to make them people of G.o.d, serving and sharing like all people in G.o.d"s country. I knew no othergood reason for war. Certainly Omimo"s reasons were not good.
Since Ruaway slept with me she had learned to speak well, and also I learned some words of the way she talked. One of them was techeg. Words like it are: companion, fights-beside-me, countrywoman or countryman, desired, lover, known-a-long-time; of all our words the one most like techeg is our word in-my-heart. Their name Tegh was the same word as techeg; it meant they were all in one another"s heart. Ruaway and I were in each other"s heart. We were techeg.
Ruaway and I were silent when Omimo said, "The Tegh are filthy insects. I"ll crush them."
"Ogga! ogga! ogga!" the idiot said, imitating Omimo"s boastful voice. I burst out laughing. In that moment, as I laughed at my brother, the doors of the ash house flew open wide and all the priests hurried out, not in procession with music, but in a crowd, wild, disordered, crying out aloud- "The house burns and falls!"
"The world dies!"
"G.o.d is blind!"
There was a moment of terrible silence in the city and then people began to wail and call out in the streets and from the balconies.
G.o.d came out of the ash house, Herself first, leading Himself, who walked as if drunk and sun-dazzled, as people walk after drinking smoke. G.o.d came among the staggering, crying priests and silenced them. Then she said, "Hear what I have seen coming behind me, my people!"
In the silence he began speaking in a weak voice. We could not hear all his words, but she said them again in a clear voice after he said them: "G.o.d"s house falls down to the ground burning, but is not consumed. It stands by the river. G.o.d is white as snow. G.o.d"s face has one eye in the center. The great stone roads are broken. War is in the east and north. Famine is in the west and south. The world dies."
He put his face in his hands and wept aloud. She said to the priests, "Say what G.o.d has seen!"
They repeated the words G.o.d had said.
She said, "Go tell these words in the quarters of the city and to G.o.d"s angels, and let the angels go out into all the country to tell the people what G.o.d has seen."
The priests put their foreheads to their thumbs and obeyed.
When Lord Idiot saw G.o.d weeping, he became so distressed and frightened that he p.i.s.sed, making a pool on the balcony. Haghag, terribly upset, scolded and slapped him. He roared and sobbed. Omimo shouted that a foul woman who struck G.o.d"s son should be put to death. Haghag fell on her face in Lord Idiot"s pool of urine to beg mercy. I told her to get up and be forgiven. I said, "I am G.o.d"s daughter and I forgive you," and I looked at Omimo with eyes that told him he could not speak. He did not speak.
When I think of that day, the day the world began dying, I think of the trembling old woman standing there sodden with urine, while the people down in the square looked up at us.
Lady Clouds sent Lord Idiot off with Haghag to be bathed, and some of the lords took Tazu and Arzi off to lead the feasting in the city streets. Arzi was crying and Tazu was keeping from crying. Omimo and I stayed among the holy people on the balcony, watching what happened down in Glittering Square.
G.o.d had gone back into the ash house, and the angels had gathered to repeat together their message, which they would carry word for word, relay by relay, to every town and village and farm of G.o.d"s country, running day and night on the great stone roads.
All that was as it should be; but the message the angels carried was not as it should be.
Sometimes when the smoke is thick and strong the priests also see things over their shoulder as G.o.d does. These are lesser oracles. But never before had they all seen the same thing G.o.d saw, speaking the same words G.o.d spoke.
And they had not interpreted or explained the words. There was no guidance in them. They brought no understanding, only fear.
But Omimo was excited: "War in the east and north," he said. "My war!" He looked at me, no longer sneering or sullen, but right at me, eye in eye, the way Ruaway looked at me. He smiled. "Maybe the idiots and crybabies will die," he said. "Maybe you and I will be G.o.d." He spoke low, standing close to me, so no one else heard. My heart gave a great leap. I said nothing.
Soon after that birthday, Omimo went back to lead the army on the eastern border.
All year long people waited for our house, G.o.d"s house in the center of the city, to be struck by lightning, though not destroyed, since that is how the priests interpreted the oracle once they had time to talk and think about it. When the seasons went on and there was no lightning or fire, they said the oracle meant that the sun shining on the gold and copper roof-gutters was the unconsuming fire, and that if there was an earthquake the house would stand.
The words about G.o.d being white and having one eye they interpreted as meaning that G.o.d was the sun and was to be worshipped as the all-seeing giver of light and life. This had always been so.
There was war in the east, indeed. There had always been war in the east, where people coming out of the wilderness tried to steal our grain, and we conquered them and taught them how to grow it.
General Lord Drowning sent angels back with news of his conquests all the way to the Fifth River.
There was no famine in the west. There had never been famine in G.o.d"s country. G.o.d"s children saw to it that crops were properly sown and grown and saved and shared. If the ze failed in the western lands, our carters pulled two-wheeled carts laden with grain on the great stone roads over the mountains from the central lands. If crops failed in the north, the carts went north from the Four Rivers land. From west to east carts came laden with smoked fish, from the Sunrise peninsula they came west with fruit and seaweed. The granaries and storehouses of G.o.d were always stocked and open to people in need. They had only to ask the administrators of the stores; what was needed was given. No one went hungry.
Famine was a word that belonged to those we had brought into our land, people like the Tegh, the Chasi, the North Hills people. The hungry people, we called them.
The birthday of the world came again, and the most fearful words of the oracle- the world dieswere remembered. In public the priests rejoiced and comforted the common people, saying that G.o.d"s mercy had spared the world. In our house there was little comfort. We all knew that G.o.d Himself was ill. He had hidden himself away more and more throughout the year, and many of the ceremonies took place without the divine presence, or only Herself was there. She seemed always quiet and untroubled. My lessons were mostly with her now, and with her I always felt that nothing had changed or could change and all would be well.
G.o.d danced the Dance that Turns as the sun stood still above the shoulder of the sacred mountain.
He danced slowly, missing many steps. He went into the ash house. We waited, everybody waited, all over the city, all over the country. The sun went down behind Kanaghadwa. All the snow peaks of the mountains from north to south, Kayewa, burning Korosi, Aghet, Enni, Aziza, Kanaghadwa, burned gold, then fiery red, then purple. The light went up them and went out, leaving them white as ashes. The stars came out above them. Then at last the drums beat and the music sounded down in the Glittering Square, and torches made the pavement sparkle and gleam. The priests came out of the narrow doors of the ash house in order, in procession. They stopped. In the silence the oldest dream priest said in her thin, clear voice, "Nothing was seen over the shoulder of G.o.d."
Onto the silence ran a buzzing and whispering of people"s voices, like little insects running over sand: That died out.
The priests turned and went back into the ash house in procession, in due order, in silence.
The ranks of angels waiting to carry the words of the oracle to the countryside stood still while their captains spoke in a group. Then the angels all moved away in groups by the five streets that start at the Glittering Square and lead to the five great stone roads that go out from the city across the lands. As always before, when the angels entered the streets they began to run, to carry G.o.d"s word swiftly to the people. But they had no word to carry.
Tazu came to stand beside me on the balcony. He was twelve years old that day. I was fifteen.
He said, "Ze, may I touch you?"
I looked yes, and he put his hand in mine. That was comforting. Tazu was a serious, silent person. He tired easily, and often his head and eyes hurt so badly he could hardly see, but he did all the ceremonies and sacred acts faithfully, and studied with our teachers of history and geography and archery and dancing and writing, and with our mother studied the sacred knowledge, learning to be G.o.d. Some of our lessons he and I did together, helping each other. He was a kind brother and we were in each other"sheart.
As he held my hand he said, "Ze, I think we"ll be married soon."
I knew what his thoughts were. G.o.d our father had missed many steps of the dance that turns the world. He had seen nothing over his shoulder, looking into the time to come.
But what I thought in that moment was how strange it was that in the same place on the same day one year it was Omimo who said we should be married, and the next year it was Tazu.
"Maybe," I said. I held his hand tight, knowing he was frightened at being G.o.d. So was I. But there was no use being afraid. When the time came, we would be G.o.d.
If the time came. Maybe the sun had not stopped and turned back above the peak of Kanaghadwa.
Maybe G.o.d had not turned the year.
Maybe there would be no more time-no time coming behind our backs, only what lay before us, only what we could see with mortal eyes. Only our own lives and nothing else.
That was so terrible a thought that my breath stopped and I shut my eyes, squeezing Tazu"s thin hand, holding on to him, till I could steady my mind with the thought that there was still no use being afraid.
This year past, Lord Idiot"s t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es had ripened at last, and he had begun trying to rape women.
After he hurt a young holy girl and attacked others, G.o.d had him castrated. Since then he had been quiet again, though he often looked sad and lonely. Seeing Tazu and me holding hands, he seized Arzi"s hand and stood beside him as Tazu and I were standing. "G.o.d, G.o.d!" he said, smiling with pride. But Arzi, who was nine, pulled his hand away and said, "You won"t ever be G.o.d, you can"t be, you"re an idiot, you don"t know anything!" Old Haghag scolded Arzi wearily and bitterly. Arzi did not cry, but Lord Idiot did, and Haghag had tears in her eyes.
The sun went north as in any year, as if G.o.d had danced the steps of the dance rightly. And on the dark day of the year, it turned back southward behind the peak of great Enni, as in any year. On that day, G.o.d Himself was dying, and Tazu and I were taken in to see him and be blessed. He lay all gone to bone in a smell of rot and sweet herbs burning. G.o.d my mother lifted his hand and put it on my head, then on Tazu"s, while we knelt by the great bed of leather and bronze with our thumbs to our foreheads.
She said the words of blessing. G.o.d my father said nothing, until he whispered, "Ze, Ze!" He was not calling to me. The name of G.o.d Herself is always Ze. He was calling to his sister and wife while he died.
Two nights later I woke in darkness. The deep drums were beating all through the house. I heard other drums begin to beat in the temples of worship and the squares farther away in the city, and then others yet farther away. In the countryside under the stars they would hear those drums and begin to beat their own drums, up in the hills, in the mountain pa.s.ses and over the mountains to the western sea, across the fields eastward, across the four great rivers, from town to town clear to the wilderness. That same night, I thought, my brother Omimo in his camp under the North Hills would hear the drums saying G.o.d is dead.
A son and daughter of G.o.d, marrying, became G.o.d. This marriage could not take place till G.o.d"s death, but always it took place within a few hours, so that the world would not be long bereft. I knew this from all we had been taught. It was ill fate that my mother delayed my marriage to Tazu. If we had been married at once, Omimo"s claim would have been useless; not even his soldiers would have dared follow him. In her grief she was distraught. And she did not know or could not imagine the measure of Omimo"s ambition, driving him to violence and sacrilege.
Informed by the angels of our father"s illness, he had for days been marching swiftly westward with a small troop of loyal soldiers. When the drums beat, he heard them not in the far North Hills, but in the fortress on the hill called Ghari that stands north across the valley in sight of the city and the house of G.o.d.