Corben blinked, looked out across the ruin of his own lagan field, now two years gone, so Howie had said.
Again Sam noticed the peace in the man, what may have been a result of the stroke or even some medication stupor, but seemed for all the world like uncaring serenity, as if he"d seen sufficient wonders and was content, as if-well, as if- And there it was. Of course. Like Kyrie. Corben was like Kyrie. Slow and careful. Minimalist. Just like Kyrie. Of course.
It was all so obvious once Sam saw it like that. Back home, he removed the photos, sims and mirrors, left Kyrie to be what she-what "it" had tried to be all along. He saw what he thought to be relief in the maquette"s suffering eyes as he removed the last of the distractions, then brought a chair and sat in front of it.
Finish your job, he thought, but didn"t speak it. Finish being what you already are.
And Sam found it such a relief to sit there and let it happen. Kyrie had never tried to be Jeanie, had never been a gift from the lagan to ease a broken heart.
Not Kyrie. Cadrey.
Sam saw how he"d been: thinking of Jeanie by day, not thinking of her-blessedly forgetting her-atnight when he slept. Escaping in dreams, his only true time of self. Swaying Kyrie this way and that in its Becoming-by day toward Jeanie, by night back toward its intended form all along.
Poor agonized thing. Here from somewhere else, now beautified by Jeanie-thought, now showing the ruin of his own MF tiger mask, coping, copying. Poor ugly, beautiful, languishing thing. Trying all the while.
Then, like looking through doors opened and aligned, he saw the rest. Its message, its purpose. I will be you to free you so you can have your turn. Moving on. Taking it with you.
What a clumsy, awkward method, Sam decided. What a flawed-no! What a natural and fitting way to do it, more like a plant in a garden, some wild and willful, wayward garden, some natural, blundering, questing thing, trying again and again to push through. St.i.tching it up. Linking the worlds.
What it was, never the issue. Only that it was.
He had to help. Do sittings. Leave photos of his red-demon, tiger-faced self (how the others would smile!), try not to think of Jeanie for now, just for now.
For Kyrie. Oh, the irony. So many times he stood before the mirrors and laughed, recalling that old story of desperate choice: the Lady or the Tiger. Well, now he played both parts-showing the Tiger but being like Jeanie for Kyrie.
Giving of himself. Giving self. Generous. The Lady and the Tiger.
Two weeks later, at brightest, deepest midnight, he stood before the notre dame, bathed in the honey-balm and the spindrift, letting the croisie take him, tune him, bring him in. They were all part of it-transition vectors, carrier modes.
Kyrie was in place back in the house, maimed, shaped, pathetic and wonderful both. Sam Cadrey enough. Would seem to have had a stroke when they found him. That would cover the slips, the gaffes and desperate gracelessness. His friends would find, would impose, the bits of Sam Cadrey no time or training could provide. Friendship allowing, they would find him in what was left, never knowing it was all there was.
Sam looked around at his world, at the fullness of it, the last of it, then stepped into the narrow chamber.
The cathedral did what it had to do, blindly or knowing, who could say, but naturally.
Sam felt himself changing, becoming-why, whatever it needed him to be this time, using what was in the worlds. And as he rose, he had the words, unchanged in all that changing. Nor life I know, nor liberty. Had his self, his memories to be enough of self around. For Love is lord of all.
Sam held Jeanie to him, as firm and clear as he could make her, and rose from the troubled seabed to the swelling, different light of someone else"s day.
In Xanadu
THOMAS M. DISCH.
Thomas M. Disch is among the finest living writers of fantasy and science fiction. His prominence in SF was founded in the 1960s upon such novels as The Genocides (1965), The Puppies of Terra (1966), and Camp Concentration (1968), and enhanced in the 1970s by the novels 334 (1972), and On Wings of Song (1979), and by his powerful short stories, collected in five volumes. He is now more famous outside the genre as a poet, critic, and novelist. His connection to SF since the 1970s might reasonably be described as a love-hate relationship. His most recent SF book is a work of criticism, the sometimes strikingly uncomplimentary The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of: How Science Fiction Conquered the World (1998), which won the Hugo Award for Best Related Book (1999). In 2001 he returned to genre publications with a number of excellent stories.
His tribute website [www.michaelscycles.freeserve.co.uk/tmd.htm] is a model of what such a site should be, with a wonderful literary biography.
"In Xanadu," a tribute to Disch"s old friend, black humorist John Sladek, who died recently, is from Red Shift. In a digital afterlife run by Disney-Mitsubishi, the protagonist is notified that hisbills are unpaid, and so he is resurrected and invited to sign new agreements by which he becomes an employee serving the paying customers. Black humor indeed, and of high quality.
IN MEMORY OF JOHN SLADEK, WHO DIED MARCH 10, 2000.
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice, And close your eyes with holy dread, For he on honey-dew hath fed, And drunk the milk of Paradise.
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
PART ONE.
Xanadu
His awareness was quite limited during the first so-long. A pop-up screen said WELCOME TO XANADU, [Cook, Fran]. YOUR AFTERLIFE BEGINS NOW! BROUGHT TO YOU BY DISNEY-MITSUBISHI PRODUCTIONS OF QUEBEC! A VOTRE SANTE TOUJOURS! Then there was a choice of b.u.t.tons to click on, Okay or Cancel. He didn"t have an actual physical mouse, but there was an equivalent in his mind, in much the way that amputees have ghostly limbs, but when he clicked on Okay with his mental mouse there was a dull Dong! and nothing happened. When he clicked on Cancel there was a trembling and the smallest flicker of darkness and then the pop-up screen greeted him with the original message.
This went on for an unknowable amount of time, there being no means by which elapsed time could be measured. After he"d Dong!ed on Okay enough times, he stopped bothering. The part of him that would have been motivated, back when, to express impatience or to feel resentment or to worry just wasn"t connected. He felt an almost supernatural pa.s.sivity. Maybe this is what people were after when they took up meditation. Or maybe it was supernatural, though it seemed more likely, from the few clues he"d been given, that it was cybernetic in some way.
He had become lodged (he theorized) in a faulty software program, like a monad in a game of JezzBall banging around inside its little square cage, ricocheting off the same four points on the same four walls forever. Or as they say in Quebec, toujours.
And oddly enough that was Okay. If he were just a molecule bouncing about, a lifer rattling his bars, there was a kind of comfort in doing so, each bounce a proof of the ma.s.s and motion of the molecule, each rattle an SOS dispatched to someone who might think, Ah-ha, there"s someone there!
State Pleasure-Dome 1
And then-or, as it might be, once upon a time-Cancel produced a different result than it had on countless earlier trials, and he found himself back in some kind of real world. There was theme music ("Wichita Lineman") and scudding clouds high overhead and the smell of leaf mold, as though he"d been doing push-ups out behind the garage, with his nose grazing the dirt. He had his old body back, and it seemed reasonably trim. Better than he"d left it, certainly.
"Welcome," said his new neighbor, a blond woman in a blouse of blue polka dots on a silvery rayonlike ground. "My name is Debora. You must be Fran Cook. We"ve been expecting you."
He suspected that Debora was a construct of some sort, and it occurred to him that he might be another. But whatever she was, she seemed to expect a response from him beyond his stare of mildsurmise.
"You"ll have to fill me in a little more, Debora. I don"t really know where we are."
"This is Xanadu," she said with a smile that literally flashed, like the light on top of a police car, with distinct, pointed sparkles.
"But does Xanadu exist anywhere except in the poem?"
This yielded a blank look but then another dazzling smile. "You could ask the same of us."
"Okay. To be blunt: Am I dead? Are you?"
Her smile diminished, as though connected to a rheostat. "I think that might be the case, but I don"t know for sure. There"s a sign at the entrance to the pleasure-dome that says "Welcome to Eternity." But there"s no one to ask, there or anywhere else. No one who knows anything. Different people have different ideas. I don"t have any recollection of dying, myself. Do you?"
"I have no recollections, period," he admitted. "Or none that occur to me at this moment. Maybe if I tried to remember something in particular..."
"It"s the same with me. I can remember the plots of a few movies. And the odd quotation. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." "
"Eisenhower?" he hazarded.
"I guess. It"s all pretty fuzzy. Maybe I just wasn"t paying attention back then. Or it gets erased when you come here. I think there"s a myth to that effect. Or maybe it"s so blurry because it never happened in the first place. Which makes me wonder, are we really people here, or what? And where is here? This isn"t anyone"s idea of heaven that I ever heard of. It"s kind of like Disney World, only there"s no food, no rides, no movies. Nothing to do, really. You can meet people, talk to them, like with us, but that"s about it. Don"t think I"m complaining. They don"t call it a pleasure-dome for nothing. That part"s okay, though it"s not any big deal. More like those Magic Finger beds in old motels."
He knew just what she meant, though he couldn"t remember ever having been to an old motel or lain down on a Magic Fingers bed. When he tried to reach for a memory of his earlier life, any detail he could use as an ID tag, it was like drawing a blank to a clue in a crossword. Some very simple word that just wouldn"t come into focus.
Then there was a fade to black and a final, abject Dong! that didn"t leave time for a single further thought.
Alph
"I"m sorry," Debora said, with a silvery shimmer of rayon, "that was my fault for having doubted.
Doubt"s the last thing either of us needs right now. I love the little dimple in your chin."
"I"m not aware that I had a dimple in my chin."
"Well, you do now, and it"s right-" She traced a line up the center of his chin with her finger, digging into the flesh with the enamaled tip as it reached. "-here."
"Was I conked out long?"
She flipped her hair as though to rid herself of a fly, and smiled in a forgiving way, and placed her hand atop his. At that touch he felt a strange la.s.situde steal over him, a deep calm tinged somehow with mirth, as though he"d remembered some sweet, dumb joke from his vanished childhood. Not the joke itself but the laughter that had greeted it, the laughter of children captured on a home video, silvery and chill.
"If we suppose," she said thoughtfully, tracing the line of a vein on the back of his hand with her red fingertip, "that our senses can deceive us, then what is there that can"t?" She raised her eyebrows italic-wise. "I mean," she insisted, my body might be an illusion, and the world I think surrounds me might be another. But what of that "I think"? The very act of doubting is a proof of existence, right? I think therefore I am."
"Descartes," he footnoted.
She nodded. "And who would ever have supposed that that old doorstop would be relevant to real life, so-called? Except I think it would be just as true with any other verb: I love therefore I am." "Why not?" he agreed.
She squirmed closer to him until she could let the weight of her upper body rest on his as he lay there sprawled on the lawn, or the illusion of a lawn. The theme music had segued, unnoticed, to a sinuous trill of clarinets and viola that might have served for the orchestration of a Strauss opera, and the landscape was its visual correlative, a perfect Puvis de Chavannes-the same chalky pastels in thick impas...o...b..ocks and splotches, but never with too painterly panache. There were no visible brush strokes. The only tactile element was the light pressure of her fingers across his skin, making each least hair in its follicle an antenna to register pleasure.
A pleasure that need never, could never cloy, a temperate pleasure suited to its pastoral source, a woodwind pleasure, a fruity wine. Lavender, canary yellow. The green of distant mountains. The ripple of the river.
Caverns Measureless to Man
The water that buoyed the little skiff was luminescent, and so their progress through the cave was not a matter of mere conjecture or kinesthesia. They could see where they were going. Even so, their speed could only be guessed at, for the water"s inward light was not enough to illumine either the ice high overhead or either sh.o.r.e of the river. They were borne along into some more unfathomable darkness far ahead as though across an ideal frictionless plane, and it made him think of s.p.a.ceships doing the same thing, or of his favorite screen saver, which simulated the white swirl-by of snowflakes when driving through a blizzard. One is reduced at such moments (he was now) to an elemental condition, as near to being a particle in physics as a clumsy, complex mammal will ever come. "I shall call you Dynamo," she confided in a throaty whisper. "Would you like that as a nickname? The Dynamo of Xanadu."
"You"re too kind," he said unthinkingly. He had become careless in their conversations. Not a conjugal carelessness: he had not talked with her so very often that all her riffs and vamps were second nature to him. This was the plain unadorned carelessness of not caring.
"I used to think," she said, "that we were all heading for h.e.l.l in a handbasket. Is that how the saying goes?"
"Meaning, hastening to extinction?"
"Yes, meaning that. It wasn"t my original idea. I guess everyone has their own vision of the end.
Some people take it straight from the Bible, which is sweet and pastoral, but maybe a little dumb, though one oughtn"t to say so, not where they are likely to overhear you. Because is that really so different from worrying about the hole in the ozone layer? That was my apocalypse of choice, how we"d all get terrible sunburns and cancer, and then the sea level would rise, and everyone in Calcutta would drown."
"You think this is Calcutta?"
"Can"t you ever be serious?"
"So, what"s your point, Debora?" When he wanted to be nice, he would use her name, but she never used his. She would invent nicknames for him, and then forget them and have to invent others.
It was thanks to such idiosyncrasies that he"d come to believe in her objective existence as something other than his mental mirror. If she were no more than the forest pool in which Narcissus gazed adoringly, their minds would malfunction in similar ways. Were they mere mirror constructs, he would have known by now.
"It"s not," she went on, "that I worry that the end is near. I suppose the end is always near. Relative to Eternity. And it"s not that I"m terribly curious how it will end. I suppose we"ll hurtle over the edge of some immense waterfall, like Columbus and his crew."
"Listen!" he said, breaking in. "Do you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"The music. It"s the score for Koyaanisqatsi. G.o.d, I used to watch the tape of that over and over."
She gave a sigh of polite disapproval. "I can"t bear Philip Gla.s.s. It"s just as you say, the same thing over and over."
"There was this one incredible pan. It must have been taken by a helicopter flying above this endlesshigh-rise apartment complex. But it had been abandoned."
"And?" she insisted. "What is your point?"