They showed it in different ways. Dad was the most obvious about it, but I think Mom felt it more intensely than he did. Dad was married before; his first wife died back on Earth. Some part of his heart was still with her. No one else had any claim on Jane"s heart, though. John had all of it, or all of it that was supposed to belong to your spouse. No matter how you sliced it, though, there"s nothing either of them wouldn"t do for each other.
"That"s why they"re out here," I said to Hickory. "In the road right now, I mean. Because they love each other."
"How so?" Hickory asked.
"You said it yourself," I said. "It makes a difference in how they communicate." I pointed again to the two of them. "Dad wants to go and lead this colony," I said. "If he didn"t, he would have just said no. It"s how he works. He"s been moody and out of sorts all day because he wants it and he knows there are complications. Because Jane Jane loves it here." loves it here."
"More than you or Major Perry," Hickory said.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "It"s where she"s been married. It"s where she"s had a family. Huckleberry is her homeworld. He"d say no if she doesn"t give him permission to say yes. So that"s what she"s doing, out there."
Hickory peered out again at the silhouettes of my parents. "She could have said so in the house," it said.
I shook my head. "No," I said. "Look how she"s looking up. Before Dad came out, she was doing the same thing. Standing there and looking up at the stars. Looking for the star our new planet orbits, maybe. But what she"s really doing is saying good-bye to Huckleberry. Dad needs to see see her do it. Mom knows that. It"s part of the reason she"s out there. To let him know she"s ready to let this planet go. She"s ready to let it go because he"s ready to let it go." her do it. Mom knows that. It"s part of the reason she"s out there. To let him know she"s ready to let this planet go. She"s ready to let it go because he"s ready to let it go."
"You said it was part of the reason she"s out there," Hickory said. "What"s the other part?"
"The other part?" I asked. Hickory nodded. "Oh. Well. She needs to say good-bye for herself, too. She"s not just doing it for Dad." I watched Jane. "A lot of who she is, she became here. And we may never get back here. It"s hard to leave your home. Hard for her. her. I think she"s trying to find a way to let it go. And that starts by saying good-bye to it." I think she"s trying to find a way to let it go. And that starts by saying good-bye to it."
"And you?" Hickory said. "Do you need to say good-bye?"
I thought about it for a minute. "I don"t know," I admitted. "It"s funny. I"ve already lived on four planets. Well, three planets and a s.p.a.ce station. I"ve been here longest, so I guess it"s my home more than any of the rest of them. I know I"ll miss some of the things about it. I know I"ll miss some of my friends. But more than any of that . . . I"m excited. excited. I want to do this. Colonize a new world. I I want to do this. Colonize a new world. I want want to go. I"m excited and nervous and a little scared. You know?" to go. I"m excited and nervous and a little scared. You know?"
Hickory didn"t say anything to this. Outside the window, Mom had walked away a little from Dad, and he was turning to head back into the house. Then he stopped and turned back to Mom. She held out her hand to him. He came to her, took it. They began to walk down the road together.
"Good-bye, Huckleberry," I said, whispering the words. I turned away from the window and let my parents have their walk.
SIX.
"I don"t know how you could possibly possibly be bored," Savitri said to me, leaning on an observation deck rail as we looked out from Phoenix Station to the be bored," Savitri said to me, leaning on an observation deck rail as we looked out from Phoenix Station to the Magellan Magellan. "This place is great great."
I looked over at her with mock suspicion. "Who are are you, and what have you done with Savitri Guntupalli?" you, and what have you done with Savitri Guntupalli?"
"I don"t know what you mean," Savitri said, blandly.
"The Savitri I I know was sarcastic and bitter," I said. " know was sarcastic and bitter," I said. "You are all gushy, like a schoolgirl. Therefore: You"re not Savitri. You are some horrible s.p.u.n.ky camouflaged alien thing, and I hate you." are all gushy, like a schoolgirl. Therefore: You"re not Savitri. You are some horrible s.p.u.n.ky camouflaged alien thing, and I hate you."
"Point of order," Savitri said. "You"re a schoolgirl, and you hardly ever gush. I"ve known you for years and I don"t believe I have ever seen you involved in a gushing incident. You are almost entirely gush-free."
"Fine, you gush even more than a schoolgirl," I said. "Which just makes it worse. worse. I hope you"re happy." I hope you"re happy."
"I am, am," Savitri said. "Thank you for noticing."
"Hrrrumph," I said, rolled my eyes for extra effect, and applied myself to the observation deck rail with renewed moodiness.
I was not actually irritated with Savitri. She had an excellent reason to be excited; all her life she"d been on Huckleberry and now, finally, she was somewhere else else: on Phoenix Station, the the s.p.a.ce station, the largest single thing humans had ever built, hovering above Phoenix, the home planet of the entire Colonial Union. For as long as I had known her-which was for as long as she had been my dad"s a.s.sistant, back in New Goa, on Huckleberry-Savitri had cultivated an air of general smart-a.s.sery, which is one reason I adored her and looked up to her. One has to have role models, you know. s.p.a.ce station, the largest single thing humans had ever built, hovering above Phoenix, the home planet of the entire Colonial Union. For as long as I had known her-which was for as long as she had been my dad"s a.s.sistant, back in New Goa, on Huckleberry-Savitri had cultivated an air of general smart-a.s.sery, which is one reason I adored her and looked up to her. One has to have role models, you know.
But after we had lifted from Huckleberry her excitement from finally getting to see more of the universe had gotten to her. She"d been unguardedly excited about everything; she even got up early to watch the Magellan, Magellan, the ship that would take us to Roanoke, dock with Phoenix Station. I was happy for her that she was so excited about everything, and I mocked her mercilessly for it every chance I got. One day, yes, there would be payback-Savitri taught me much of what I know about being a smarta.s.s, but not everything the ship that would take us to Roanoke, dock with Phoenix Station. I was happy for her that she was so excited about everything, and I mocked her mercilessly for it every chance I got. One day, yes, there would be payback-Savitri taught me much of what I know about being a smarta.s.s, but not everything she she knew about it-but until then it was one of the few things keeping me entertained. knew about it-but until then it was one of the few things keeping me entertained.
Listen: Phoenix Station is huge, it"s busy, and unless you have an actual job-or like Savitri are just in from the sticks-there is nothing going on. nothing going on. It"s not an amus.e.m.e.nt park, it"s just a big dull combination of government offices, docks and military headquarters, all jammed into s.p.a.ce. If it weren"t for the fact that stepping outside to get some fresh air would kill you-no fresh air, just lung-popping vacuum-it could be any big, faceless, dead-boring civic center anywhere humans come together to do big, faceless, dead-boring civic things. It is not designed for fun, or at least any sort of fun I was interested in having. I suppose I could have filed something. It"s not an amus.e.m.e.nt park, it"s just a big dull combination of government offices, docks and military headquarters, all jammed into s.p.a.ce. If it weren"t for the fact that stepping outside to get some fresh air would kill you-no fresh air, just lung-popping vacuum-it could be any big, faceless, dead-boring civic center anywhere humans come together to do big, faceless, dead-boring civic things. It is not designed for fun, or at least any sort of fun I was interested in having. I suppose I could have filed something. That That would have been a kick. would have been a kick.
Savitri, in addition to being insensibly excited not to be on Huckleberry, was also being worked like a dog by John and Jane: The three of them had spent nearly all their time since we arrived at Phoenix Station getting up to speed on Roanoke, learning about the colonists who would be with us, and overseeing the loading of supplies and equipment onto the Magellan. Magellan. This didn"t come as news to me, but it did leave me with not a whole lot to do, and no one much to do it with. I couldn"t even do much with Hickory, d.i.c.kory, or Babar; Dad told Hickory and d.i.c.kory to lay low while we were on Phoenix Station, and dogs weren"t really allowed the run of the station. We had to lay out paper towels for Babar to do his thing on. The first night I did this and tried to get him to take care of business, he gave me a look that said This didn"t come as news to me, but it did leave me with not a whole lot to do, and no one much to do it with. I couldn"t even do much with Hickory, d.i.c.kory, or Babar; Dad told Hickory and d.i.c.kory to lay low while we were on Phoenix Station, and dogs weren"t really allowed the run of the station. We had to lay out paper towels for Babar to do his thing on. The first night I did this and tried to get him to take care of business, he gave me a look that said you have you have got got to be kidding. to be kidding. Sorry, buddy. Now pee, d.a.m.n it. Sorry, buddy. Now pee, d.a.m.n it.
The only reason I was getting some time with Savitri at all was that through a clever combination of whining and guilt I had convinced her to take her lunch break with me. Even then she had brought her PDA and spent half of lunch going over manifests. She was even excited about that. I told her I thought she might be ill.
"I"m sorry you"re bored," Savitri said, back in the present. "You might want to hint to your parents."
"Trust me, I did," I said. "Dad actually stepped up, too. He said he"s going to take me down to Phoenix. Do some last-minute shopping and other things." The other things other things were the main reason for us to go, but I didn"t want to bring them up to Savitri; I was moody enough as it was. were the main reason for us to go, but I didn"t want to bring them up to Savitri; I was moody enough as it was.
"You haven"t come across any other colonists your own age yet?" Savitri asked.
I shrugged. "I"ve seen some of them."
"But you haven"t spoken to any of them," Savitri said.
"Not really," I said.
"Because you"re shy, shy," Savitri said.
"Now your sarcasm comes back," I said.
"I"m sympathetic to your boredom," Savitri said. "But less so if you"re just marinating in it." She looked around at the observation desk, which had a few other people in it, sitting or reading or staring out at the ships docked at the station. "What about her?" she said, pointing to a girl who looked about my age, who was looking out the deck window.
I glanced over. "What about about her?" I said. her?" I said.
"She looks about as bored as you," Savitri said.
"Appearances can be deceiving," I said.
"Let"s check," Savitri said, and before I could stop her called to the other girl. "Hey," Savitri said.
"Yes?" the girl said.
"My friend here thinks she"s the most bored teenage girl on the entire station," Savitri said, pointing at me. I had nowhere to cringe. "I was wondering if you had anything to say about that."
"Well," the girl said, after a minute. "I don"t want to brag, but the quality of my boredom is outstanding. outstanding."
"Oh, I like like her," Savitri said to me, and then waved the girl over. "This is Zoe," she said, introducing me. her," Savitri said to me, and then waved the girl over. "This is Zoe," she said, introducing me.
"I can talk," I said to Savitri.
"Gretchen," she said, extending her hand to me.
"h.e.l.lo," I said, taking it.
"I"m interested in your boredom and would like to hear more," Gretchen said.
Okay, I thought. I thought. I like her too. I like her too.
Savitri smiled. "Well, since you two seem to be equally matched, I have to go," she said. "There are containers of soil conditioners that need my attention." She gave me a peck, waved to Gretchen, and left.
"Soil conditioners?" Gretchen said to me, after she had gone.
"It"s a long story," I said.
"I"ve got nothing but time," Gretchen said.
"Savitri is the a.s.sistant to my parents, who are heading up a new colony," I said, and pointed to the Magellan. Magellan. "That"s the ship we"re going on. One of Savitri"s jobs is to make sure that everything that"s on the manifest list actually gets put on the ship. I guess she"s up to soil conditioners." "That"s the ship we"re going on. One of Savitri"s jobs is to make sure that everything that"s on the manifest list actually gets put on the ship. I guess she"s up to soil conditioners."
"Your parents are John Perry and Jane Sagan," Gretchen said.
I stared at her for a minute. "Yeah," I said. "How do you know?"
"Because my dad talks about them a lot," she said, and motioned toward the Magellan. Magellan. "This colony your parents are leading? It was his idea. He was Erie"s representative on the CU legislature, and for years he argued that people from established colonies should be able to colonize, not just people from Earth. Finally the Department of Colonization agreed with him-and then it gave the leadership of the colony to your parents instead of him. They told my dad it was a political compromise." "This colony your parents are leading? It was his idea. He was Erie"s representative on the CU legislature, and for years he argued that people from established colonies should be able to colonize, not just people from Earth. Finally the Department of Colonization agreed with him-and then it gave the leadership of the colony to your parents instead of him. They told my dad it was a political compromise."
"What did your dad think about that?" I asked.
"Well, I just met you," Gretchen said. "I don"t know what sort of language you can handle."
"Oh. Well, that"s that"s not good," I said. not good," I said.
"I don"t think he hates hates your parents," Gretchen said, quickly. "It"s not like that. He just a.s.sumed that after everything he did, he"d get to lead the colony. "Disappointment" doesn"t even begin to cover it. Although I wouldn"t say he likes your parents, either. He got a file on them when they were appointed and then spent the day muttering to himself as he read it." your parents," Gretchen said, quickly. "It"s not like that. He just a.s.sumed that after everything he did, he"d get to lead the colony. "Disappointment" doesn"t even begin to cover it. Although I wouldn"t say he likes your parents, either. He got a file on them when they were appointed and then spent the day muttering to himself as he read it."
"I"m sorry he"s disappointed," I said. In my head I was wondering if I needed to write Gretchen off as a possible friend; one of those stupid "our houses are at war" scenarios. The first person my age I meet, going to Roanoke, and we were already in different camps.
But then she said, "Yeah, well. At a certain point he got a little stupid about it. He was comparing himself to Moses, like, Oh, I"ve led my people to the promised land but I can"t enter Oh, I"ve led my people to the promised land but I can"t enter myself myself"-and here she made little hand movements to accentuate the point-"and that"s when I decided he was overreacting. Because we"re going, going, you know. And he"s on your parents" advisory council. So I told him to suck it up." you know. And he"s on your parents" advisory council. So I told him to suck it up."
I blinked. "You actually used those words?" I said.
"Well, no," Gretchen said. "What I actually said was I wondered if I kicked a puppy if it would whine more than he did." She shrugged. "What can I say. Sometimes he needs to get over himself."
"You and I are so totally going to be best friends," I said.
"Are we?" she said, and grinned at me. "I don"t know. What are the hours?"
"The hours are terrible," I said. "And the pay is even worse."
"Will I be treated horribly?" she asked.
"You will cry yourself to sleep on a nightly basis," I said.
"Fed crusts?" she asked.
"Of course not," I said. "We feed the crusts to the dogs."
"Oh, very nice," she said. "Okay, you pa.s.s. We can be best friends."
"Good," I said. "Another life decision taken care of."
"Yes," she said, and then moved away from the rail. "Now, come on. No point wasting all this att.i.tude on ourselves. Let"s go find something to point and laugh at."
Phoenix Station was a lot more interesting after that.
SEVEN.
Here"s what I did when my dad took me down to Phoenix: I visited my own grave.
Clearly, this needs an explanation.
I was born and lived the first four years of my life on Phoenix. Near where I lived, there is a cemetery. In that cemetery is a headstone, and on that headstone are three names: Cheryl Boutin, Charles Boutin and Zoe Boutin.
My mother"s name is there because she is actually buried there; I remember being there for her funeral and seeing her shroud put into the ground.
My father"s name is there because for many years people believed his body was there. It"s not. His body lies on a planet named Arist, where he and I lived for a time with the Obin. There is is a body buried here, though, one that looks like my father and has the same genes as he does. How it got there is a really complicated story. a body buried here, though, one that looks like my father and has the same genes as he does. How it got there is a really complicated story.
My name is there because before my father and I lived on Arist, he thought for a time that I had been killed in the attack on Covell, the s.p.a.ce station he and I had lived on. There was no body, obviously, because I was still alive; my father just didn"t know it. He had my name and dates carved into the headstone before he was told I was still around.
And so there you have it: three names, two bodies, one grave. The only place where my biological family exists, in any form, anywhere in the universe.
In one sense, I"m an orphan, and profoundly so: My mother and father were only children, and their parents were dead before I was born. It"s possible I have second cousins twice removed somewhere on Phoenix, but I"ve never met them and wouldn"t know what to say to them even if they existed. Really, what do you say? "Hi, we share about four percent of our genetic makeup, let"s be friends"?
The fact is, I"m the last of my line, the last member of the Boutin family, unless and until I decide to start having babies. Now, there"s there"s a thought. I"m going to table it for now. a thought. I"m going to table it for now.
In one sense I was an orphan. But in another sense . . .
Well. First, my dad was standing behind me, watching me as I was kneeling down to look at the headstone my name was on. I don"t know how it is with other adoptees, but I can say that there never was a time with John and Jane that I didn"t feel cherished and loved and theirs. theirs. Even when I was going through that early p.u.b.erty phase where I think I said "I hate you" and "Just leave me Even when I was going through that early p.u.b.erty phase where I think I said "I hate you" and "Just leave me alone alone" six times daily and ten times on Sunday. I I would have abandoned me at the bus stop, that"s for sure. would have abandoned me at the bus stop, that"s for sure.
John told me that back when he lived on Earth, he had a son, and his son had a boy, Adam, who would have been just about my age, which technically made me an aunt. I thought that was pretty neat. Going from having no family on the one hand to being someone"s aunt on the other is a fun trick. I told that to Dad; he said "you contain mult.i.tudes," and then walked around with a smile for hours. I finally got him to explain it to me. That Walt Whitman, he knew what he was talking about.
Second, there were Hickory and d.i.c.kory to the side of me, twitching and trembling with emotional energy, because they were at the gravesite of my father, even if my father wasn"t buried there, and never was. It didn"t matter. They were worked up because of what it represented. Through my father, I guess you could say I was adopted by the Obin, too, although my relationship to them wasn"t exactly like being someone"s daughter, or their aunt. It was a little closer to being their G.o.ddess. A G.o.ddess for an entire race of people.
Or, I don"t know. Maybe something that sounds less egotistical: patron saint, or racial icon or mascot or something. something. It was hard to put into words; it was hard to even wrap my brain around most days. It"s not like I was put on a throne; most G.o.ddesses I know about don"t have homework and have to pick up dog p.o.o.p. If this is what being an icon is all about, on a day-today basis it"s not terribly exciting. It was hard to put into words; it was hard to even wrap my brain around most days. It"s not like I was put on a throne; most G.o.ddesses I know about don"t have homework and have to pick up dog p.o.o.p. If this is what being an icon is all about, on a day-today basis it"s not terribly exciting.
But then I think about the fact that Hickory and d.i.c.kory live with me and have spent their lives with me because their government made it a demand of my government when the two of them signed a peace pact. I am actually a treaty condition between two intelligent races of creatures. What do you do do with that sort of fact? with that sort of fact?
Well, I tried to use it once: When I was younger I tried to argue with Jane that I should be able to stay up late one night because I had special status under treaty law. I thought that was pretty clever. Her response was to haul out the entire thousand-page treaty-I didn"t even know we had had a physical copy-and invite me to find the part of the treaty that said I always got to have my way. I stomped over to Hickory and d.i.c.kory and demanded they tell Mom to let me do what I wanted; Hickory told me they would have to file a request to their government for guidance, and it would take several days, by which time I would already have to be in bed. It was my first exposure to the tyranny of bureaucracy. a physical copy-and invite me to find the part of the treaty that said I always got to have my way. I stomped over to Hickory and d.i.c.kory and demanded they tell Mom to let me do what I wanted; Hickory told me they would have to file a request to their government for guidance, and it would take several days, by which time I would already have to be in bed. It was my first exposure to the tyranny of bureaucracy.