Zombie Kiss Vol. 1 Chapter 4 "White Sin"
All those who live are sinners.
Why did G.o.d create
"Sins"?
They could be a punishment
That could only end with death.
But to me… they are trials.
…Obstacles to overcome.
"White Sin"
Prologue
…It"s empty…
…Inside my chest… was an empty, red hollow.
Ki ki ki… the "White Devil" laughed.
I woke up on a bed, my body covered in cold sweat.
"A dream…"
I spoke to rea.s.sure myself, and stood up carefully. My strengthless hand touched my chest covered with bandages.
Touched the organ that beated softly.
Even though the organ was not mine…
My eyes adjusted to the dark. The smell of chemicals spread in the air, and the machines beeped softly in a white, square room.
This is a hospital…
This is reality…
The more I looked into the darkness, the more I felt I was losing touch with reality.
…Or else, I was part of the darkness"s dream.
Ki ki ki… "it" scorned.
The "White Devil"s" laugh.
To me, no dream had ever been so real.
It appeared after the day of the surgery.
A useless surgery to save my life…
Yes… Useless.
1
When was it that I began to feel… that my life is empty?
My illness should have ended my journey long ago, but today I woke up as usual.
With someone"s heart…
Ridiculous. With a heart, everyone said you are alive.
I never think that way.
"Mr. Vakin, you heart has gotten healthier."
The doctor spoke, politer than usual.
"Post-surgery recovery, the cut, and your transplanted heart, all of those are in good condition. You can go home in a few weeks."
To a patient who was labeled: "A miracle if he lives to be 18", the doctor"s words were heaven"s mercy.
But I felt empty and lost.
(Are you really happy that you are alive?)
A nasty voice whispered.
I turned to the speaker and saw the "White Devil" on my bed.
That thing could be a ghost, a spirit, or some other supernatural being.
The mysterious thing was a lump of white flesh molded to resemble a human, but with an enlarged head and chopstick limbs. Its face was empty except for a black pit that spread into a creepy smirk.
My brows knotted. It was hard to swallow.
"Please take walks in the rooftop garden often. Even though your condition is stable, you should not try anything that could harm your heart."
The doctor spoke as if nothing was out of the ordinary, even though that devil was so close it could touch him.
I suppressed my fears. The doctors and nurses who witnessed me scream at the devil were filled with disgust, like looking at someone sent from an asylum. Those eyes were stamped into my memories.
(Tch. You should"ve died.)
The moment the doctor left, the Devil spoke again.
(You would be happier if you"re dead. Why keep on living?)
Why…? I thought.
…Maybe so I can get into Harvard as my mother wanted, or intern at a high-capital business as my father desired. Or maybe walk on the tens and hundreds of paths the "Rattananurakwong" family decided for me.
Even if among those hundreds of path, none were what I truly wanted.
Oh, right. I live to say "Yes" to my family.
(Think carefully! You know how dangerous a heart transplant is, but have your mommy and daddy visited you once? You"re worth nothing compared to their works and conferences!)
There was no evidence to support its claim, but I had nothing to object.
(Are you happy? Being a puppet while others pull your strings? Tee hee…)
"Shut up! Stop talking!!!"
Its laugh pierced my eardrums.
(Close your eyes and ears all you want. The truth will never change.)
"Shut up! What do you want?! Why are you bothering me!?!?"
(You already know the answer, Vakin… Ask that heart beating in your chest…)
(Remember your "sin".)
The wind blew through the windows, and the curtains fluttered. Then, the devil disappeared.
A scream echoed from far away.
But in reality, the scream was mine…
"Wake up!"
A shout woke me up from a nightmare. When I opened my eyes, I saw a woman in a blue patient suit.
"Your scream can be heard from miles away. The nurse called your doctor. They"ll be here soon."
I looked suspiciously at the newcomer, but she ignored my glare. A pair of round, black eyes met mine. She spoke with a soft, gentle tone.
"By the way, do you have an apple?"
"Apple?"
I was stunted by her strange question, and my eyebrows knotted into a bow. The girl watched my reaction and swept her braids backwards.
"Apples. The red, round thingies. Heard of them?"
"I know what an apple is, but I don"t have any. Take an orange instead."
I got frustrated and pointed to an a.s.sortment of fruits in a basket adorned with pretty ribbons next to my bed. The staff working in my mother and father"s company gave them to me.
"That"s not the apple I want."
She smiled as bright as the sun.
"See you later, Vakin…"
The door closed. I was left gawking on the bed.
Weird girl…
That was the first time I met "Shicha".
It was a fluke… a coincidence…
Or was it fate?
2
The strange girl"s name was "Shicha". As far as I know, she was 2 years older than me, but she appeared a lot younger.
I often met Shicha on the rooftop garden. I did not know whether it was because of Shicha"s tendency to b.u.t.t in, or the nurse grew tired taking care of me, but Shicha was a.s.signed to take me on my wheelchair around the area.
"Well, Mr. Vakin, you will enjoy being around someone your age more than us."
After rumors of my hallucination went out, thousands of sorry excuses were made to stay away from me.
The only thing keeping me away from an asylum was my parent"s money.
The same might go for Shicha.
"What do you want to do after you get out of the hospital, Vakin? Ah, I forgot. You have to finish high school, huh?"
Shicha talked as she took me strolling in the rooftop garden on a wheelchair.
Her words streamed out naturally. No Mr. Vakin or any honorifics. I was not used to it, and remained silent all day. Even so, Shicha talked one-sidedly without demanding a reply.
"…Being ill makes us see the value of life more than others, hmm?"
She talked about her own illness, which was the same as mine. Her body was not so weak that she could not lead a normal life, but there was no telling when she would collapse, so she needed to remain in the hospital.
"But the doctor said I would get better with a surgery. When I leave the hospital, I"ll become a doctor. By the way, is my story too depressing?"
"It"s fine. The story"s fun…"
Judging from a normal perspective, her story was sad, but her way of telling it made a sad life sound lively.
"You know, those who lose hope are no different from dead."
Shicha said.
"Live to the fullest! That"s what makes us human."
The more I hear Shicha talk, the more I feel hollow inside.
Losing hope is no different from dead…
Then what about someone who never harbors any hope for myself like me… What am I?
"But you heard of the rumor, right? Don"t act so friendly."
When I"m sure she had no intention of quitting her wheelchair pusher job, I decided to tell her off.
Shicha was confused for a moment before she relaxed.
"Ah, the "Devil", eh?"
And…
"Tell me about it someday."
The girl smiled… a bright smile under a clear blue sky.
Brighter than any other smiles in the world…
Why… even with the illness, why are you smiling so brightly…?
And I"m lost in a labyrinth of darkness.
Around me, all that I could see was darkness so dark I could not see myself…
Or maybe I"m not even there?
Still, I saw a light… a white light…
No, that"s not light…
The White Devil stood there. In its hands was a…
Beating red meat…
(You don"t need a "heart" anymore, Vakin.)
"Va…Vakin…Vakin!!!"
When I opened my eyes, Shicha looked at me with worries in her eyes.
I sat on the wheelchair in the rooftop garden dyed orange by the sunset.
"This…isn"t a dream, right?"
"Are you drunk on sleeping pills or something?"
Shicha laughed. When I hear her laugh, I sighed with relief.
It"s been almost two weeks…
After that day, Shicha took me on walks regularly.
Strangely, the time I spent with her was the only time the Devil did not bother me. It kept its distance and watched me from afar.
But she wasn"t just a sanctuary. If she"s with me, my heart was serene. Shicha"s brightness blew the darkness away.
I made a mistake today. Because I was too relaxed, I let the Devil invade my mind.
Maybe, meeting her was "fate".
We had nothing in common. Shicha did not attend school but had numerous friends. I attended school and had zero friend. Our wealth, tastes, and sickness was the same, but I was already almost cured.
What connected us was perhaps "loneliness."
If I"m near Shicha, my life would be more "human-like."
(Alright, if you"re happy, enjoy it while it lasts.)
The Devil scorned from behind the curtains.
(And you know, happiness is short-lived.)
I ignored the Devil"s whispers.
Thinking back, I regretted not listening to it.
If I did, maybe I had the time to prepare myself. I would have cast away my feelings in time and feel less pain.
3
"Hey, I got apples as a gift today. You asked for them on the first day we met, remember?"
When Shicha sent me back to my room, I told her to wait at the door and picked up two crispy, red apples.
Shicha looked at them quietly, making me confused.
I wanted to make her happy, but all I saw in her was discomfort.
Before she even reached out her hand to take the fruits, someone interrupted.
"You"re… Vakin?"
A middle-aged woman walked over. I looked at her suspiciously. Her face was sullen, and I"m sure I never saw her before.
"My son donated his heart to you."
"………!!!"
I was taken back. My heart beated faster.
"This is against the law. The donor"s family can"t contact me directly…"
"What are you saying? That"s my son"s heart."
The woman approached me longingly. I stepped backwards, but she seized my shoulder and pierced her nails into it.
"Give it back… my son"s heart…"
"Vakin!!!"
Shicha screamed, calling the nurses and guards. They tried to take the old hag away.
"Let go!!! Why are you still alive?!?!"
The hag howled madly and started yelling in an alien language.
"My son…he"s just asleep…he"s not dead…"
Chaos followed. Everything went mad. I heard the Devil"s laughing voice as clear as day.
When I knew it, I was back in my room.
"You"re all murderers… you killed my son."
The voice of the hag was clearer than the rotten laugh of the Devil.
After what happened reached my parents" ears, there was an order that someone must accompany me at all times.
That made me realize my parents cared about me…
But it wasn"t love, care, or something gentle like that.
It was simple logic…
If I, the only heir of "Rattananurakwong", were to die, the lineage would end.
For whatever reason, I did not get to see Shicha again.
Time pa.s.sed. I started my therapies. The rooftop garden became a dream of the past. The world filled with light began to fade, leaving only me and the Devil behind.
Until…
"Congratulations, Vakin. You can go home in three days."
The doctor smiled while I stared at him impa.s.sively.
Only one thought occupied my mind….
Will I never see Shicha again…?
(Why are you overthinking? …Just let it go, like every other times.)
The White Devil"s words made me realize something. It stirred the insecurities hidden deep in my heart.
But it was just a feeling…
…It"s not real.
No matter how much I tried to let her go, I could not.
The memory of the girl with the bright smile was too vivid to erase.
Because Shicha saw the value in life, she fought to live on, and that"s why her smile was brighter than everyone else"s.
I want her to live.
I want her to shine bright and stay gold.
Her smile was the one thing I cannot afford to lose.
Everytime she smiled, I smiled too.
It was the first time I could truly say… that "It"s good to be alive."
"It"s okay if we never meet again. I just want to see her one last time."
I told the Devil and myself.
4
The lucid moonlight shone on the hospital rooftop. The sky was covered in a velvet black blanket. Looking down, the ground was also painted black.
If I jump from this height, no question that I"ll die.
The wind was cold. I felt scared, since I escaped my room a moment ago.
How long will it be until someone found me?
Five minutes? …Or only one?
But one minute is more than enough…
My heart thumped.
The last time my heart beated so fast was when I overheard my parent"s conversation.
"I do not like it, dear… if we do that, won"t that child die? Does that mean we killed someone?"
My mother said while staring at doc.u.ments from the hospital, discomfort shrouding her entire body.
"You"re fretting over nothing. Don"t you see what is written there? He"s brain dead. No matter what they do, he"s still dead. A chance like this will never come again."
"How about his mother? Won"t she object…?"
"We make them sign a contract. Give them some money, they shut up. Don"t hesitate. Think. How long do we have to wait until another suitable heart comes along?"
My father raised his voice.
"His weak body is an obstacle to his studies."
"What about the other child… that child needs a heart too."
"Do you want our child to die…?"
Mother was at a loss for words. A mother"s instincts made it impossible for her to abandon her own child.
I got confused…
But I could not say I don"t want that heart…
No matter how guilty I felt, the me who was afraid of death chose my life over other"s lives.
To not feel pain, I abandoned everything. My feelings, my desires, my guilt…
My life became empty.
When I looked into the mirror, I realized how utterly disgusting I was.
I, who only consisted of white emptiness…
Then I heard footsteps from behind.
"Vakin…"
Shicha smiled shyly.
"It"s been a while."
"Yeah."
I gazed at her smile, printing it into my heart for the last time, and raised a basket filled with apples.
"I brought you a gift. I"m leaving in three days, and I haven"t given you one of these yet."
But I got an unexpected answer.
"Oh, thanks. But those are not the apples I wanted."
Shicha was serious, unlike herself.
"There is only one apple that I want.
A silver knife glinted.
The small girl pushed me and the wheelchair toppled over. My back hit the ground, and Shicha pressed the knife to my chest.
She pressed the blade where my heart was.
"Give…your heart…to me, Vakin."
"…Shicha…Why?"
That was all I could say. Her eyes that used to shine vividly dimmed with sadness that pained my soul.
"…The doctor said… I"d live if I get a transplant."
Shicha pressed the knife harder. I felt a stinging pain.
"And this… this heart is "supposed to be mine" before you took it. Your mom and dad are mean people. I would survive for only a year, but they gave money to the doctor and my mom, then told them to postpone the surgery."
"The other child" they were talking about… was Shicha, huh?
"So you want to kill me?"
"No! I don"t "want" to kill you, Vakin."
Shicha laughed softly. She seemed to think killing was no different from eating, bathing, or sleeping.
"It could be anyone. If it would make me live a little longer, then I"ll do anything. Humankind killed a lot of animals to survive, that"s a fact."
I watched the girl that struggled madly to survive. Even at a time like this, she was still beautiful. Moreover, she shone as bright as the midnight sun.
"I want to live… I don"t want to die…"
"Shicha, I don"t want you to die either."
I whispered, watching the beautiful girl…
"But I will not give you this heart."
Shicha shook when she felt a stun gun just a few centimeters away. I had to thank my parents for buying it because they were afraid the crazy old hag would come back… I didn"t expect it would be useful so soon.
"That"s because I will go on living. You told me that, didn"t you? Live to the fullest, that"s what makes us human."
"That"s true. Well, it"s a shame."
Shicha stood up, knowing that her heart cannot withstand even a mild current.
"I lied when I said it could be anyone. If it was someone else, I wouldn"t hesitate at all."
Shicha smiled again. Suddenly, the light that shone brightly from her went out completely. She became a weak, powerless thing.
"Vakin, live."
I did not know if it was a blessing or a curse.
Shicha turned around and head towards the railing. I watched her, like a friend sending off his buddy on a train to some faraway land.
Then when it dawned on me what Shicha planned to do, my legs stepped forward, and my arms reached out.
But…
(It"s useless. She"s a goner now.)
A slight hesitation stopped me.
I watched as Shicha fell to her death…as she wanted.
Not until five minutes later did the nurses found me while I stared at the ground below without any emotions.
Shicha"s corpse lay gazing at the sky. Blood and white lumps of flesh gushed all over the lawn. Her arms and legs twisted in all sorts of bizarre angles. Bloodshot eyes looked up at me. Her mouth was drawn back into a sick smile.
What an utterly disgusting "thing".
Ah…why…
When she was alive, her smile was the brightest, but why…
I really want to see her when she was alive again…
Epilogue
That morning, I looked into the mirror.
The reflection wasn"t me, but a White Devil.
The Devil whispered in a voice only audible to me.
…Happy? I found you a goal in life. From now on, day and night, you will dream of seeing that beauty again, forever and ever.
Its face melted into mine.
Oh, so that"s what it was.
"I think dear Shicha was stressed, that"s why she chose suicide."
Two nurses chattered away from the main ward crowded with people. When Shicha was alive, she took me here once. Her bed was next to the window. A parking lot was visible. It"s not a great view, but Shicha said counting cars that come in and out was a good way to kill time.
When the nurses saw me approach Shicha"s bed, they were startled and stopped talking as if they were silent to begin with. They made a surprised face when they saw the basket of apples in my hand.
"Mr. Vakin, umm… what business may you have here? I heard you already left the hospital…"
"I"m leaving today."
I replied curtly, then placed the basket of apples on Shicha"s bed. The nurses looked at each other and fretted.
"Umm… We"re collecting Shicha"s belongings. Her mother is busy with the funeral so… Mr. Vakin, do you need anything?"
The nurses tried to drag me into a conversation. "Shicha killed herself in front of me" was known to everyone in the hospital, so they were confused as to why I"m here. I did not reply.
In the end they made a "whatever" face and resumed work. I saw them collecting multiple textbooks and placed them in a cardboard box. They were exam prep books for sciences and guidebooks for getting into medical school.
"When I leave the hospital, I"ll become a doctor."
"Mr. Vakin! Mr. Vakin!"
I turned around as someone called my name. Then, I saw a figure of a nurse panting as she ran towards me. I recalled she was one of the nurses taking care of me.
"Mr. Vakin, you forgot your books so I brought them for you."
She spoke and held out the books I read while recovering. They were books about business management that my father shoved into my hands so that I could shove the contents into my brain.
So that I could become the heir of the Rattananurakwong family.
"Mr. Vakin…?"
I did not reply at first, and picked up an apple from the basket. Then, I walked to the door.
"Throw them away… I"m going into medical school…"
I replied and took a bite.
Then smirked at the "White Sin" inside.
When I looked into the mirror, only my reflection was visible.
From now on, I will live and embrace my sin.
That"s what it means to be "human." She taught me that.
I will live on.
I need to live on…
-Chapter 4 End-
Volume Epilogue
That man… who was my polar opposite
That man… is trying…
To bring her back
From death.
That"s why his path…
Is filled with humans
That struggle
Endlessly.
And it is my duty
To use "death" to stop the "life"
That he created.
Zombie Kiss Volume 1 -End-
Volume 2 Preview
"Angel"s Corpse"… a "twisted" beauty…
Filled with "jealousy"…
Kill with "envy"…
Until there is no more "humanity"…
When "life" and "death" collide again…
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