She said, "A few minutes ago, did you have an odd experience, a sense that someone was -- well, looking into your mind? I know it sounds foolish, but -- ?"
"Yes. It happened." So calm. How did he stay that close to his center? That unwavering eye, that uniquely self-contained self, perceiving all: the lamasery, the slave depot, the railroad train, everything, all time gone by, all time to come -- how did he manage to be so tranquil? She knew she never could learn such calmness. She knew he knew it. _He has my number all right_. She found that she was looking at his cheekbones, at his forehead, at his lips. Not into his eyes.
"You have the wrong image of me," she told him.
"It isn"t an image," he said. "What I have is you."
"No."
"Face yourself, Nikki. If you can figure out where to look." He laughed. Gently, but she was demolished.
An odd thing, then. She forced herself to stare into his eyes and felt a snapping of awareness from one mode into some other, and he turned into an old man. That mask of changeless early maturity dissolved and she saw the frightening yellowed eyes, the maze of furrows and gullies, the toothless gums, the drooling lips, the hollow throat, the self beneath the face. A thousand years, a thousand years! And every moment of those thousand years was visible. "You"re old," she whispered. "You disgust me. I wouldn"t want to be like you, not for anything! " She backed away, shaking. "An old, old, old man. All a masquerade!"
He smiled. "Isn"t that pathetic?"
"Me or you? _Me or you?_"
He didn"t answer. She was bewildered. When she was five paces away from him there came another snapping of awareness, a second changing of phase, and suddenly he was himself again, taut-skinned, erect, appearing to be perhaps thirty-five years old. A globe of silence hung between them. The force of his rejection was withering. She summoned her last strength for a parting glare. _I didn"t want you either, friend, not any single part of you_. He saluted cordially. Dismissal.
Martin Bliss, grinning vacantly, stood near the bar. "Let"s go," she said savagely. "Take me home!"
"But -- "
"It"s just a few floors below." She thrust her arm through his. He blinked, shrugged, fell into step.
"I"ll call you Tuesday, Nikki," Tom said as they swept past him.
Downstairs, on her home turf, she felt better. In the bedroom they quickly dropped their clothes. His body was pink, hairy, serviceable. She turned the bed on, and it began to murmur and throb. "How old do you think I am?" she asked.
"Twenty-six?" Bliss said vaguely.
"b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" She pulled him down on top of her. Her hands raked his skin. Her thighs parted. Go on. Like an animal, she thought. Like an animal! She was getting older moment by moment, she was dying in his arms.
"You"re much better than I expected," she said eventually.
He looked down, baffled, amazed. "You could have chosen anyone at that party. Anyone."
"Almost anyone," she said.
When he was asleep she slipped out of bed. Snow was still falling. She heard the thunk of bullets and the whine of wounded bison. She heard the clangor of swords on shields. She heard lamas chanting: Om, Om, Om. No sleep for her this night, none. The clock was ticking like a bomb. The century was flowing remorselessly toward its finish. She checked her face for wrinkles in the bathroom mirror. Smooth, smooth, all smooth under the blue fluorescent glow. Her eyes looked b.l.o.o.d.y. Her nipples were still hard. She took a little alabaster jar from one of the bathroom cabinets and three slender red capsules fell out of it, into her palm. Happy birthday, dear Nikki, happy birthday to you. She swallowed all three. Went back to bed. Waited, listening to the slap of snow on gla.s.s, for the visions to come and carry her away.
Chip Runner.
by Robert Silverberg.
NOTICE: This work is copyrighted. It is licensed only for use by the purchaser. If you did not purchase this ebook directly from Fictionwise.com then you are in violation of copyright law and are subject to severe fines. Please visit www.fictionwise.com to purchase a legal copy. Fictionwise.com offers a reward for information leading to the conviction of copyright violators of Fictionwise ebooks.
He was fifteen, and looked about ninety, and a frail ninety at that. I knew his mother and his father, separately -- they were Silicon Valley people, divorced, very important in their respective companies -- and separately they had asked me to try to work with him. His skin was blue-gray and tight, drawn cruelly close over the jutting bones of his face. His eyes were gray too, and huge, and they lay deep within their sockets. His arms were like sticks. His thin lips were set in an angry grimace.
The chart before me on my desk told me that he was five feet eight inches tall and weighed 71 pounds. He was in his third year at one of the best private schools in the Palo Alto district. His I.Q. was 161. He crackled with intelligence and intensity. That was a novelty for me right at the outset. Most of my patients are depressed, withdrawn, uncertain of themselves, elusive, shy: virtual zombies. He wasn"t anything like that. There would be other surprises ahead.
"So you"re planning to go into the hardware end of the computer industry, your parents tell me," I began. The usual let"s-build-a-relationship procedure.
He blew it away instantly with a single sour glare. "Is that your standard opening? "Tell me all about your favorite hobby, my boy"? If you don"t mind I"d rather skip all the bulls.h.i.t, doctor, and then we can both get out of here faster. You"re supposed to ask me about my eating habits."
It amazed me to see him taking control of the session this way within the first thirty seconds. I marveled at how different he was from most of the others, the poor sad wispy creatures who force me to fish for every word.
"Actually I do enjoy talking about the latest developments in the world of computers, too," I said, still working hard at being genial.
"But my guess is you don"t talk about them very often, or you wouldn"t call it "the hardware end." Or "the computer industry." We don"t use mundo phrases like those any more." His high thin voice sizzled with barely suppressed rage. "Come on, doctor. Let"s get right down to it. You think I"m anorexic, don"t you?"
"Well -- "
"I know about anorexia. It"s a mental disease of girls, a vanity thing. They starve themselves because they want to look beautiful and they can"t bring themselves to realize that they"re not too fat. Vanity isn"t the issue for me. And I"m not a girl, doctor. Even you ought to be able to see that right away."
"Timothy -- "
"I want to let you know right out front that I don"t have an eating disorder and I don"t belong in a shrink"s office. I know exactly what I"m doing all the time. The only reason I came today is to get my mother off my back, because she"s taken it into her head that I"m trying to starve myself to death. She said I had to come here and see you. So I"m here. All right?"
"All right," I said, and stood up. I am a tall man, deepchested, very broad through the shoulders. I can loom when necessary. A flicker of fear crossed Timothy"s face, which was the effect I wanted to produce. When it"s appropriate for the therapist to a.s.sert authority, simpleminded methods are often the most effective. "Let"s talk about eating, Timothy. What did you have for lunch today?"
He shrugged. "A piece of bread. Some lettuce."
"That"s all?"
"A gla.s.s of water."
"And for breakfast?"
"I don"t eat breakfast."
"But you"ll have a substantial dinner, won"t you?"
"Maybe some fish. Maybe not. I think food is pretty gross."
I nodded. "Could you operate your computer with the power turned off, Timothy?"
"Isn"t that a pretty condescending sort of question, doctor?"
"I suppose it is. Okay, I"ll be more direct. Do you think you can run your body without giving it any fuel?"
"My body runs just fine," he said, with a defiant edge.
"Does it? What sports do you play?"
"Sports?" It might have been a Martian word.
"You know, the normal weight for someone of your age and height ought to be -- "
"There"s nothing normal about me, doctor. Why should my weight be any more normal than the rest of me?"
"It was until last year, apparently. Then you stopped eating. Your family is worried about you, you know."
"I"ll be okay," he said sullenly.
"You want to stay healthy, don"t you?"
He stared at me for a long chilly moment. There was something close to hatred in his eyes, or so I imagined.
"What I want is to disappear," he said.
That night I dreamed I was disappearing. I stood naked and alone on a slab of gray metal in the middle of a vast empty plain under a sinister coppery sky and I began steadily to shrink. There is often some carryover from the office to a therapist"s own unconscious life: we call it counter-transference. I grew smaller and smaller. Pores appeared on the surface of the metal slab and widened into jagged craters, and then into great crevices and gullies. A cloud of luminous dust shimmered about my head. Grains of sand, specks, mere motes, now took on the aspect of immense boulders. Down I drifted, gliding into the darkness of a fathomless chasm. Creatures I had not noticed before hovered about me, astonishing monsters, hairy, many-legged. They made menacing gestures, but I slipped away, downward, downward, and they were gone. The air was alive now with vibrating particles, inanimate, furious, that danced in frantic zigzag patterns, veering wildly past me, now and again crashing into me, knocking my breath from me, sending me ricocheting for what seemed like miles. I was floating, spinning, tumbling with no control. Pulsating waves of blinding light pounded me. I was falling into the infinitely small, and there was no halting my descent. I would shrink and shrink and shrink until I slipped through the realm of matter entirely and was lost. A mob of contemptuous glowing things -- electrons and protons, maybe, but how could I tell? -- crowded close around me, emitting fizzy sparks that seemed to me like jeers and laughter. They told me to keep moving along, to get myself out of their kingdom, or I would meet a terrible death. "To see a world in a grain of sand," Blake wrote. Yes. And Eliot wrote, "I will show you fear in a handful of dust." I went on downward, and downward still. And then I awoke gasping, drenched in sweat, terrified, alone.
Normally the patient is uncommunicative. You interview parents, siblings, teachers, friends, anyone who might provide a clue or an opening wedge. Anorexia is a life-threatening matter. The patients -- girls, almost always, or young women in their twenties -- have lost all sense of normal body-image and feel none of the food-deprivation prompts that a normal body gives its owner. Food is the enemy. Food must be resisted. They eat only when forced to, and then as little as possible. They are unaware that they are frighteningly gaunt. Strip them and put them in front of a mirror and they will pinch their sagging empty skin to show you imaginary fatty bulges. Sometimes the process of self-skeletonization is impossible to halt, even by therapy. When it reaches a certain point the degree of organic damage becomes irreversible and the death-spiral begins.
"He was always tremendously bright," Timothy"s mother said. She was fifty, a striking woman, trim, elegant, almost radiant, vice president for finance at one of the biggest Valley companies. I knew her in that familiarly involuted California way: her present husband used to be married to my first wife. "A genius, his teachers all said. But strange, you know? Moody. Dreamy. I used to think he was on drugs, though of course none of the kids do that any more." Timothy was her only child by her first marriage. "It scares me to death to watch him wasting away like that. When I see him I want to take him and shake him and force ice cream down his throat, pasta, milkshakes, anything. And then I want to hold him, and I want to cry."
"You"d think he"d be starting to shave by now," his father said. Technical man, working on nanoengineering projects at the Stanford AI lab. We often played racquetball together. "I was. You too, probably. I got a look at him in the shower, three or four months ago. Hasn"t even reached p.u.b.erty yet. Fifteen and not a hair on him. It"s the starvation, isn"t it? It"s r.e.t.a.r.ding his physical development, right?"
"I keep trying to get him to like eat something, anything," his step-brother Mick said. "He lives with us, you know, on the weekends, and most of the time he"s downstairs playing with his computers, but sometimes I can get him to go out with us, and we buy like a chili dog for him, or, you know, a burrito, and he goes, Thank you, thank you, and pretends to eat it, but then he throws it away when he thinks we"re not looking. He is so weird, you know? And scary. You look at him with those ribs and all and he"s like something out of a horror movie."
"What I want is to disappear," Timothy said.
He came every Tuesday and Thursday for one-hour sessions. There was at the beginning an undertone of hostility and suspicion to everything he said. I asked him, in my layman way, a few things about the latest developments in computers, and he answered me in monosyllables at first, not at all bothering to hide his disdain for my ignorance and my innocence. But now and again some question of mine would catch his interest and he would forget to be irritated, and reply at length, going on and on into realms I could not even pretend to understand. Trying to find things of that sort to ask him seemed my best avenue of approach. But of course I knew I was unlikely to achieve anything of therapeutic value if we simply talked about computers for the whole hour.
He was very guarded, as was only to be expected, when I would bring the conversation around to the topic of eating. He made it clear that his eating habits were his own business and he would rather not discuss them with me, or anyone. Yet there was an aggressive glow on his face whenever we spoke of the way he ate that called Kafka"s hunger artist to my mind: he seemed proud of his achievements in starvation, even eager to be admired for his skill at shunning food.
Too much directness in the early stages of therapy is generally counterproductive where anorexia is the problem. The patient _loves_ her syndrome and resists any therapeutic approach that might deprive her of it. Timothy and I talked mainly of his studies, his cla.s.smates, his step-brothers. Progress was slow, circuitous, agonizing. What was most agonizing was my realization that I didn"t have much time. According to the report from his school physician he was already running at dangerously low levels, bones weakening, muscles degenerating, electrolyte balance c.o.c.keyed, hormonal systems in disarray. The necessary treatment before long would be hospitalization, not psychotherapy, and it might almost be too late even for that.
He was aware that he was wasting away and in danger. He didn"t seem to care.
I let him see that I wasn"t going to force anything on him. So far as I was concerned, I told him, he was basically free to starve himself to death if that was what he was really after. But as a psychologist whose role it is to help people, I said, I had some scientific interest in finding out what made him tick -- not particularly for his sake, but for the sake of other patients who might be more interested in being helped. He could relate to that. His facial expressions changed. He became less hostile. It was the fifth session now, and I sensed that his armor might be ready to crack. He was starting to think of me not as a member of the enemy but as a neutral observer, a dispa.s.sionate investigator. The next step was to make him see me as an ally. You and me, Timothy, standing together against _them_. I told him a few things about myself, my childhood, my troubled adolescence: little nuggets of confidence, offered by way of trade.
"When you disappear," I said finally, "where is it that you want to go?"
The moment was ripe and the breakthrough went beyond my highest expectations.
"You know what a microchip is?" he asked.
"Sure."
"I go down into them."
Not I _want_ to go down into them. But I _do_ go down into them.
"Tell me about that," I said.
"The only way you can understand the nature of reality," he said, "is to take a close look at it. To really and truly take a look, you know? Here we have these fantastic chips, a whole processing unit smaller than your little toenail with fifty times the data-handling capacity of the old mainframes. What goes on inside them? I mean, what _really_ goes on? I go into them and I look. It"s like a trance, you know? You sharpen your concentration and you sharpen it and sharpen it and then you"re moving downward, inward, deeper and deeper." He laughed harshly. "You think this is all mystical ka-ka, don"t you? Half of you thinks I"m just a crazy kid mouthing off, and the other half thinks here"s a kid who"s smart as h.e.l.l, feeding you a line of malarkey to keep you away from the real topic. Right, doctor? Right?"
"I had a dream a couple of weeks ago about shrinking down into the infinitely small," I said. "A nightmare, really. But a fascinating one. Fascinating and frightening both. I went all the way down to the molecular level, past grains of sand, past bacteria, down to electrons and protons, or what I suppose were electrons and protons."
"What was the light like, where you were?"
"Blinding. It came in pulsing waves."
"What color?"
"Every color all at once," I said.
He stared at me. "No s.h.i.t!"
"Is that the way it looks for you?"
"Yes. No." He shifted uneasily. "How can I tell if you saw what I saw? But it"s a stream of colors, yes. Pulsing. And -- all the colors at once, yes, that"s how you could describe it -- "
"Tell me more."
"More what?"
"When you go downward -- tell me what it"s like, Timothy."
He gave me his lofty look, his pedagogic look. "You know how small a chip is? A MOSFET, say?"
"MOSFET?".
"Metal-oxide-silicon field-effect-transistor," he said. "The newest ones have a mimimum feature size of about a micrometer. Ten to the minus sixth meters. That"s a millionth of a meter, all right? Small. It isn"t down there on the molecular level, no. You could fit 200 amoebas into a MOSFET channel one micrometer long. Okay? Okay? Or a whole army of viruses. But it"s still plenty small. That"s where I go. And run, down the corridors of the chips, with electrons whizzing by me all the time. Of course I can"t see them. Even a lot smaller, you can"t see electrons, you can only compute the probabilities of their paths. But you can feel them. _I_ can feel them. And I run among them, everywhere, through the corridors, through the channels, past the gates, past the open s.p.a.ces in the lattice. Getting to know the territory. Feeling at home in it."
"What"s an electron like, when you feel it?"
"You dreamed it, you said. You tell me."