A Safety Match.
by Ian Hay.
BOOK ONE.
THE STRIKING OF THE MATCH.
CHAPTER ONE.
HAPPY FAMILIES.
"Nicky, please, have you got Mr Pots the Painter?"
"No, Stiffy, but I"ll trouble you for Mrs Bones the Butcher"s Wife.
_Thank_ you. And Daph, have you got Master Bones the Butcher"s Son?
_Thank_ you. Family! One to me!"
And Nicky, triumphantly plucking from her hand four pink-backed cards, slaps them down upon the table face upwards. They are apparently family portraits. The first--that of Bones _pere_--depicts a smug gentleman, with appropriate mutton-chop whiskers, mutilating a fearsome joint upon a block; the second, Mrs Bones, an ample matron in apple-green, proffering to an unseen customer a haunch of what looks like anaemic cab-horse; the third, Miss Bones, engaged in extracting nourishment from a colossal bone shaped like a dumb-bell; the fourth, Master Bones (bearing a strong family likeness to his papa), creeping unwillingly upon an errand, clad in canary trousers and a blue jacket, with a sirloin of beef nestling against his right ear.
It was Sat.u.r.day night at the Rectory, and the Vereker family--"those absurdly handsome Rectory children," as old Lady Curlew, of Hainings, invariably called them--sat round the dining-room table playing "Happy Families." The rules which govern this absorbing pastime are simple.
The families are indeed happy. They contain no widows and no orphans, and each pair of parents possesses one son and one daughter--perhaps the perfect number, for the sides of the house are equally balanced both for purposes of companionship and in the event of s.e.x-warfare. As for procedure, cards are dealt round, and each player endeavours, by requests based upon observation and deduction, to reunite within his own hand the members of an entire family,--an enterprise which, while it fosters in those who undertake it a reverence for the unities of home life, offers a more material and immediate reward in the shape of one point for each family collected. We will look over the shoulders of the players as they sit, and a brief consideration of each hand and of the tactics of its owner will possibly give us the key to the respective dispositions of the Vereker family, as well as a useful lesson in the art of acquiring that priceless possession, a Happy Family.
Before starting on our tour of the table we may note that one member of the company is otherwise engaged. This is Master Anthony Cuthbert Vereker, aged ten years--usually known as Tony. He is the youngest member of the family, and is one of those fortunate people who are never bored, and who rarely require either company or a.s.sistance in their amus.e.m.e.nts. He lives in a world of his own, peopled by folk of his own creation; and with the help of this unseen host, which he can multiply to an indefinite extent and transform into anything he pleases, he organises and carries out schemes of recreation beside which all the Happy Families in the world become humdrum and suburban in tone. He has just taken his seat upon a chair opposite to another chair, across the arms of which he has laid the lid of his big box of bricks, and is feeling in his pocket for an imaginary key, for he is about to give an organ recital in the Albert Hall (which he has never seen) in a style modelled upon that of the village organist, whom he studies through a c.h.i.n.k in a curtain every Sunday.
Presently the lid is turned back, and the keyboard--a three-manual affair, ingeniously composed of tiers of wooden bricks--is exposed to view. The organist arranges unseen music and pulls out invisible stops. Then, having risen to set up on the mantelpiece hard by a square of cardboard bearing the figure 1, he resumes his seat, and embarks upon a rendering of Handel"s "Largo in G," which its composer, to be just, would have experienced no difficulty in recognising, though he might have expressed some surprise that so large an instrument as the Albert Hall organ should produce so small a volume of sound. But then Handel never played his own Largo in a room full of elder brothers and sisters, immersed in the acquisition of Happy Families and impatient of distracting noises.
The Largo completed, its executant rises to his feet and bows again and again in the direction of the sideboard; and then (the applause apparently having subsided) solemnly turns round the cardboard square on the mantelpiece so as to display the figure 2, and sets to work upon "The Lost Chord."
Meanwhile the Happy Families are being rapidly united. The houses of Pots the Painter, Bun the Baker, and Dose the Doctor lie neatly piled at Nicky"s right hand; and that Machiavellian damosel is now engaged in a businesslike quest for the only outstanding member of the family of Grits the Grocer.
Nicky--or Veronica Elizabeth Vereker--was in many respects the most remarkable of the Rectory children. She was thirteen years old, was the only dark-haired member of the family, and (as she was fond of explaining) was possessed of a devil. This remarkable attribute was sometimes adduced as a distinction and sometimes as an excuse,--the former when impressionable and nervous children came to tea, the latter when all other palliatives of crime had failed.
Certainly she could lay claim to the brooding spirit, the entire absence of fear, the unlimited low cunning, and the love of sin for its own sake which go to make the master-criminal. At present she was enjoying herself in characteristic fashion. Her brother Stephen--known as "Stiffy"--Nicky"s senior by one year, a transparently honest but somewhat limited youth, had for the greater part of the game been applying a slow-moving intellect to the acquisition of one complete Family. Higher he did not look.
Nicky"s habit was to allow Stiffy, with infinite labour, to collect the majority of the members of a Family in which she herself was interested, and then, at the eleventh hour, to swoop down and strip her unconscious collaborator of his hardly-earned collection.
Stiffy, sighing patiently, had just surrendered Mr, Mrs, and Miss Block (Hairdressers and Dealers in Toilet Requisites) to the depredatory hands of Nicky, and was debating in his mind whether he should endeavour when his next chance came to complete the genealogical tree of Mr Soot the Sweep or corner the clan of Bung the Brewer. Possessing two Bungs to one Soot, he decided on the latter alternative.
Presently he was asked by his elder sister, Cilly (Monica Cecilia), for a card which he did not possess, and this gave him the desired opening.
"I say, Nicky," he began deferentially, "have you got Master Bung?"
Nicky surveyed her hand for a moment, and then raised a pair of liquid-blue eyes and smiled seraphically.
"No, Stiffy, dear," she replied; "but I"ll have Mr Bung and Mrs Bung."
Stiffy, resigned as ever, handed over the cards. Suddenly Sebastian Aloysius Vereker, the eldest son of the family (usually addressed as "Ally"), put down his cards and remarked, slowly and without heat--
"Cheating again! My word, Nicky, you are the absolute _edge_!"
"_Who_ is cheating?" inquired Veronica in a shocked voice.
"You. Either you _must_ have Master Bung, or else you are asking for Stiffy"s cards without having any Bungs at all; because I"ve got Miss myself."
He laid the corybantic young lady in question upon the table to substantiate his statement.
Nicky remained entirely unruffled.
"Oh--_Bung_!" she exclaimed. "Sorry! I thought you said "Bun," Stiffy.
You should spit out your G"s a bit more, my lad. _Bung-gah_--like that! I really must speak to dad about your articulation."
In polite card-playing circles a lady"s word is usually accepted as sufficient; but the ordinary courtesies of everyday life do not prevail in a family of six.
"Rot!" said Ally.
"Cheat!" said Cilly.
"Never mind!" said loyal and peaceable Stiffy. "I don"t care, really.
Let"s go on."
"It"s not fair," cried Cilly. "Poor Stiffy hasn"t got a single Family yet. Give it to him, Nicky, you little beast! Daph, make her!"
Daphne was the eldest of the flock, and for want of a mother dispensed justice and equity to the rest of the family from the heights of nineteen. For the moment she was a.s.sisting the organist, who had inadvertently capsized a portion of his keyboard. Now she returned to the table.
"What is it, rabble?" she inquired maternally.
A full-throated chorus informed her, and the arbitress detached the threads of the dispute with effortless dexterity.
"You said you thought he was asking for Miss Bun and not Bung?" she remarked to the accused.
"Yes--that was all," began Nicky. "You see," she continued pathetically, "they"re all so beastly unjust to me, and----"
Daphne picked up her small sister"s pile of completed Families and turned them over.
"You couldn"t have thought Stiffy wanted _Buns_," she said in measured tones, "because they"re here. You collected them yourself. You"ve cheated again. Upstairs, and no jam till Wednesday!"
It is a tribute to Miss Vereker"s disciplinary methods that the turbulent Nicky rose at once to her feet and, with a half-tearful, half-defiant reference to her Satanic inhabitant, left the room and departed upstairs, there to meditate on a Bun-strewn past and a jamless future.
Daphne Vereker was perhaps the most beautiful of an extraordinarily attractive family. Her full name was Daphne Margaret. Her parents, whether from inherent piety or on the _lucus a non lucendo_ principle, had endowed their offspring with the names of early saints and martyrs. The pagan derivative Daphne was an exception. It had been the name of Brian Vereker"s young bride, and had been bestowed, uncanonically linked with that of a saint of blameless antecedents, upon the first baby which had arrived at the Rectory. Mrs Vereker had died eleven years later, two hours after the birth of that fertile genius Anthony Cuthbert, and Brian Vereker, left to wrestle with the upbringing of six children on an insufficient stipend in a remote country parish, had come to lean more and more, in the instinctive but exacting fashion of lonely man, upon the slim shoulders of his eldest daughter.
There are certain attributes of woman before which the male s.e.x, whose sole knowledge of the ways of life is derived from that stern instructor Experience, can only stand and gape in reverent awe. When her mother died Daphne Vereker was a tow-headed, long-legged, irresponsible marauder of eleven. In six months she looked like a rather prim little nursery-governess: in two years she could have taken the chair at a Mother"s meeting. Circ.u.mstance is a great forcing-house, especially where women are concerned. Her dreamy, unpractical, affectionate father, oblivious of the expectant presence in the offing of numerous female relatives-in-law, had remarked in sober earnest to his little daughter, walking erect by his side in her short black frock on the way home from the funeral:--"You and I will have to bring up the children between us now, Daphne;" and the child, with an odd thrill of pride at being thus promoted to woman"s highest office at the age of eleven, had responded with the utmost gravity--
"You had better stick to the parish, dad, and I"ll manage the kids."
And she had done it. As she presides at the table this Sat.u.r.day evening, with her round chin resting on her hands, surveying the picturesque crew of ragam.u.f.fins before her, we cannot but congratulate her on the success of her methods, whatever those may be. On her right lolls the apple of her eye, the eldest son, Ally. He is a handsome boy, with a ready smile and a rather weak mouth. He is being educated--G.o.d knows by what anxious economies in other directions--at a great public school. When he leaves, which will be shortly, the money will go to educate Stiffy, who is rising fourteen.