It was three in the morning before she fell asleep, and she felt like h.e.l.l the next morning when she got up at seven to wake Andy and make breakfast. Andy had dragged Lizzie to bed with him. Brad was already up and dressed by then, he skipped breakfast and left early for the city. He said he had a breakfast meeting, and she didn"t question him. At least he had been at home all night and she hadn"t had to explain to her mother why he wasn"t. Who knows, maybe they wouldn"t even have noticed.
She dropped Andy off at school, and then came back to the house for Mother and Alexis. She did some paperwork, paid some bills, but by eleven o"clock they still weren"t ready. Alexis had to do her exercise routine, and her hair was still in electric rollers. By then she had bathed and put her makeup on, but it would still be another hour before they were out the door, she estimated, when Page asked her.
"Mother," Page said anxiously, "I want to be with Allie."
"Of course. But we all have to eat. Maybe you should make something here." But she was going to get caught in that trap with them, until it was too late to go at all. They had come out to see Allyson, not to go to restaurants, or drive Page crazy. It was exactly the way she had known it would be with them, and she just wasn"t willing to do this.
"We can eat at the cafeteria if you get hungry."
"That"s awfully hard on Alexis"s stomach, dear. You know how grim hospital food is."
"I can"t help that." She glanced at her watch unhappily. It was five minutes to twelve by then. She had wasted half the day, and Andy would be coming out of school at three-thirty. "Would you rather go by cab yourself, after lunch, or maybe with Brad tonight if he goes?"
"Of course not, we"ll come with you." The two women from New York consulted at length in Allyson"s room, and emerged finally at twelve-thirty.
Alexis looked exquisite in a white silk Chanel. She wore black patent leather shoes and bag, and a wonderful straw hat that looked totally out of place but very pretty. Her mother was wearing a red silk suit. They looked like they were going to have lunch at Le Cirque in New York, not to ICU at Marin General.
"You both look wonderful," Page said pleasantly as they got into the car. She was wearing the same jeans and loafers she had worn off and on for two weeks. She just took them off long enough to wash the jeans, and she had worn all her old tired sweaters. They were comfortable and warm in the drafty halls of the hospital, and she hadn"t cared how she looked in more than two weeks. Seeing her mother and sister all dressed up somehow amused her, but it didn"t surprise her.
Her mother commented on the warm weather along the way, and asked her where she and Brad were going for vacation that year. She hoped they could come East. It would be so wonderful if they ever decided to rent a little house on Long Island.
They parked in the hospital parking lot, and Page showed them inside, wishing once again that they hadn"t come. Their presence there at all seemed like an intrusion. Allyson was their granddaughter and niece, yet Page felt so possessive of her, as though in the state she was in, Allie belonged to her and Brad and no one else. It wasn"t fair, but these people didn"t deserve her.
The nurses in ICU all said h.e.l.lo to them, and Page led them quietly to Allie"s bed. She saw her mother"s face grow pale, and heard her gasp when she first saw her. She offered her mother a chair, but she only shook her head, and for a moment Page felt sorry for her, and put an arm around her shoulders. Alexis hadn"t even dared to approach the bed. She had stopped halfway there, and watched from the doorway.
They said not a word for the ten minutes they were there, and then her mother glanced worriedly at Alexis. She was deathly pale beneath her makeup.
"I don"t think your sister should stay," she whispered. Neither should Allie, Page wanted to whisper back, but she nodded. Why was their concern always for each other and no one else, why couldn"t they feel anything real or express it? For a moment, her mother had felt their pain, had seen Allie as she really was, and then she turned away and sought refuge in Alexis. It was the way it had always been. She had never been willing to see Page"s pain, she had only been interested in saving Alexis. And Alexis had been lost long since. There was no one there. She was just a Barbie doll in expensive clothes and perfect makeup.
They walked back into the hallway again, as Maribelle put an arm around her older daughter. Not around Page, but around Alexis.
"I forget how she looks sometimes," Page said apologetically. "I see so much of her ...I"m not used to it, but I know what tp expect. One of her teachers came the other day and she was terribly upset. I"m sorry." She looked at both of them, and even though she was disappointed by them again, she meant it.
"Actually, she looks fine," her mother insisted, still looking pale. "She looks as though she might wake up at any moment." In truth, she looked as though she were dead, and the respirator made it even more gruesome to watch, which was why Page hadn"t let Andy see her, despite his protests.
"She doesn"t look fine," Page said firmly. "She looks frightening. It"s all right to say that." She didn"t want to play the game then, but her mother just patted her arm and continued.
"She"s going to be just fine. You have to know that. Now," she smiled at her two daughters as though to forget what they had just seen, "where are we going for lunch?"
"I"m staying here." Page looked annoyed at them. She was not just pa.s.sing through, and she was not going to spend the next week playing tea party and bridge game with them. If they had come to see Allyson, they were going to have to face the music. "I can call you a cab if you like, and you can go to lunch. But I"m not going."
"It would do you good to get away. Brad doesn"t sit here all day long, does he?"
"No he doesn"t, but I do." There was a grim set to Page"s mouth, but no one noticed.
"What about lunch in the city?" She tried to tempt her, but Page only shook her head. She wasn"t going.
"I"ll call you a cab," she said firmly.
"What time will you be home?"
"I have to pick Andy up and take him to baseball. I should be home by five."
"We"ll see you then." She told them where a key to the house was hidden in case they got back before her, but she knew they wouldn"t. After lunch, they"d be going to I. Magnin.
She went back to ICU to sit with Allyson, and Trygve stopped by to see her midafternoon. He looked around, surprised to see her alone. He had expected to meet her mother and sister.
"Where are they?" He looked confused and Page shook her head ruefully.
"The Bride of Frankenstein and her mother have gone to the city for lunch, and a little shopping"
"Did they see Allyson?" He looked amazed.
"For about ten minutes. My mother turned pale, my sister stood in the door and turned green, and then they decided to go for lunch in town to forget about it." She was still annoyed, but it was so typical of them, though Trygve couldn"t know that.
"Don"t be so hard on them. This kind of thing isn"t easy."
"It"s not easy for me either, but I"m here. They thought I should go to lunch with them."
"It might do you good," he said gently, but she shrugged. He didn"t know them.
He stayed around for a little while, and then she picked Andy up at school, took him to baseball practice, and went home. And just as she had thought, her mother and Alexis came in at six, laden with shopping bags, a bottle of perfume for her, a little French sweater for Andy, and a lacy pink peignoir for Allyson that there was no way she could wear in in her present condition. her present condition.
"It"s beautiful, Mother, thank you." She didn"t explain the impossibility of it to her, and her mother seemed not to care. They had found a fabulous designer sale at I. Magnin.
"It"s amazing what you find out here," she said, totally unaware of Page"s expression.
"Isn"t it though," she said coolly. It was almost as though the reason for their trip had been forgotten.
Page made dinner for them again that night, but Brad didn"t come home or call. She made an excuse for him, but later she found Andy looking forlorn and sat down on her bed to talk to him. Having her own mother there made her nervous and edgy.
"You and Dad are mad at each other again, huh?"
"Not really," she lied, she just couldn"t cope with telling him about that too. Allyson was enough for the moment. "He"s just busy."
"No he"s not. I heard you shouting at him ...and he yelled at you ..."
"Moms and dads do that sometimes, sweetheart." She kissed the top of his head and fought back tears as she held him.
"You didn"t use to." And then, "Bjorn said his mom and dad used to fight a lot, and then his mom left. She went to England, and now he hardly ever sees her."
"That"s different," though she was no longer sure why. In truth, it wasn"t very different. "Does he miss her a lot?" She felt sorry for him. It had to be particularly hard on a child like him, with limited understanding.
"No," Andy said honestly, "he said she was mean to him. He likes his dad a lot better. I like his dad too," he volunteered, "he"s nice." She nodded, and then he looked up at her with tears in his eyes, and she almost panicked. "Is Daddy going to leave and go to England?"
"Of course not," she said, relieved that he hadn"t asked her how she felt about Trygve. "Why would he go to England?"
"I don"t know. That"s what Bjorn said his mom did. Do you think he"d leave us though?" She wanted to say more, but knew she couldn"t. It was just too much for him, too much for all of them at the moment.
"I don"t think so." It was the first time she had ever lied to him, but she knew she had to.
And when she put him to bed, her mother asked her if she"d mind making her a cup of peppermint tea, and taking some camomile and a bottle of Evian to her sister.
"Not at all," she said, smiling to herself. They were so predictable ...the wicked stepmother and sister ...and she, as always, was playing the role of Cinderella.
CHAPTER 12.
The rest of the week was much the same. Page continued to spend her days at the hospital while Andy was in school, while her mother and sister did the rounds of the boutiques and department stores in San Francisco. They cruised through Hermes, Chanel, Tiffany, Cartier, Saks, and did a fair amount of damage at I. Magnin. They had their hair done at Mr. Lee, lunch at Trader Vic"s, Postrio, and the restaurant at the top of Neiman-Marcus. And about every other day, they began their day with a five-minute visit to Allie.
After the first time, Alexis said she felt her cold coming on again, and didn"t want to cause Allyson complications, so she waited in the lobby. But Page"s mother bravely went upstairs, and would stand chatting with Page at Allie"s bedside, for roughly four or five minutes. Mostly, she talked about what they were going to do that day, and tried to talk Page into going with them. And at the end of the week, she insisted she take Page and Brad out to dinner.
Page tried to broach it to him one of the rare times she saw him that week. It was Friday afternoon by then, and she was beginning to wonder when Alexis and her mother were going to leave, their presence had worn thin right from the beginning. And Brad was using the opportunity of their being there to disappear now on a daily basis. He hadn"t been home for dinner once all week, coming home way past midnight and leaving early in the morning before they got up. And one night, he had stayed away all night without calling.
"She wants to take us to dinner somewhere," Page explained, trying not to lose her temper, or confront him for the nights he had spent out without calling. "To tell you the truth, I"m not sure I could stand it."
"She seems all right this time," he said calmly.
"Really?" Page snapped at him. "When did you figure that out? In the four seconds it took you to hang up their bags, or the ten minutes you haven"t spent with them since then. How the h.e.l.l do you know how she is? I haven"t even seen you since Sunday."
"Oh for chrissake ...stop it. What do you expect me to do? Baby-sit your mother? She came here to see Allie." Which was something he was doing less and less too, with the excuse that he was busy.
"She did not come here to see Allie," Page said unpleasantly. "She came here to see Chanel, Hermes, and Cartier. And they"ve had a lovely visit."
"Maybe you should have gone with them," he snapped back at her, "you might be in a better mood. And G.o.d knows, you might look a little more like your sister." He was sorry the moment he said the words, but there was nothing he could do to unsay them.
She laughed bitterly at him. "There isn"t a single real piece or part left on my sister"s face or body, and if what you wanted is that piece of plastic nothing, then be my guest." She raged at him, but she was hurt by his comment. She had spent three weeks at Allie"s bedside, and she knew she looked a mess, but she didn"t have the time, or the energy, or the heart, to look any different. She didn"t care how she looked right now. All she wanted was for Allie to wake up from her coma.
In the end, Brad agreed to go to dinner with them on Sat.u.r.day, and they went into the city, and had dinner at the Fairmont, at Mason"s. Page had pulled her thick blond hair straight back, in a ponytail, and worn a plain black dress, and no makeup. She looked the way she felt, bleak, unhappy, and Alexis, on the other hand, was wearing a white silk Givenchy dress which showed off her rail-thin figure, and the deep decolletage showed off her implants nicely.
"You look terrific," Brad said pleasantly, and she smiled at him. But there was no seduction there, no interest on her part. She was interested in how she looked, and what she wore, and very little else. And her husband understood that. There was no woman there, just a form and a beautifully made-up face with perfect features.
Alexis and her mother were talking about staying another week, and at the mere mention of it, Page looked frantic. She had already waited on them for seven days, and brought them camomile, mint tea, Evian, cold packs, hot packs, breakfast, lunch, dinner, fresh sheets, more pillows, and she had had to go out and buy an electric blanket for her mother. They did not answer the phone, pour themselves so much as a gla.s.s of water, they couldn"t figure out how to work the TV"s in their rooms, and neither of them was comfortable with Andy. As usual, they were totally useless.
They had seen Allyson a total of three times in a week, all told for probably less than fifteen minutes. It was exactly as Page had predicted it would be to Trygve.
"I think you should go home after the weekend," Page said firmly, and her mother looked horrified at the suggestion.
"We couldn"t possibly leave you alone with Allyson," she insisted, and for once, Page was speechless.
Brad was pleasant to both of them, and particularly Alexis, who said very little to any of them.
And once they were back at home again, and the sitter had left, Brad told Page quietly that he was going out for the rest of the evening.
"At eleven o"clock?" She looked startled, but she shouldn"t have. He hadn"t been there all week, and this seemed to be his style now. In the past three weeks, the entire fabric of their marriage had unraveled. She just looked at him and nodded.
"I"m sorry, Page," he tried to explain. "I"m caught between a rock and a hard place."
"Yeah," she nodded again, and unzipped her dress, "I know. So is Allie."
"That has nothing to do with this." But they both knew it had everything to do with it. It had blown them apart, and it was more and more obvious that they weren"t likely to recover.
She walked into the bathroom then, and when she came out, he was gone. She went to bed, and lay awake for a long time. Lately, she had more and more trouble sleeping. She thought of calling Trygve, but that didn"t seem fair. She didn"t want to bounce from one to the other.
And in the morning, over breakfast, her mother told her how lucky she was to have Brad. Page said nothing, and drank her coffee. She said he had turned out to be a fine man, and a very good husband.
Page went to see Allyson alone, and left Andy with them, despite their protests that they wouldn"t know what to do if he had a problem.
"What if he has to go to the bathroom?" her mother said, panicking. It was hard to believe she"d had two children, and been a physician"s wife, and been so completely helpless.
"He"s seven years old, Mother. He can take himself. He can even make you lunch, if you want it." She was amused to think that her seven-year-old son was more capable than they were, but he was, by a long shot.
She talked to Trygve for a long time that afternoon and admitted to him how tired she was, and how discouraged. It was hard for her, having her mother there, it was demoralizing her, and he could sense it.
"What is it about her that upsets you so much?" he asked, she was so funny about them sometimes, and so deeply depressed about them at others.
"Everything. Who they are, who they aren"t, what they do, what they don"t do. They"re rotten people, both of them, and I hate being around them, or even having them around my children."
"They can"t be that bad." He was surprised at the force with which she talked about them, and it was obvious that something about her family had upset her deeply.
"They"re why I came out here. Actually, I came out for Brad. But I would have left New York anyway. I didn"t want to be anywhere near them. And this was perfect for me." It was definitely part of why she had married Brad, and it had seemed fine at the time, although now things had turned out to be different. "He"s being pretty outrageous right now too, and I"m getting tired of it. It"s hard on me, it"s upsetting Andy. It"s just not fair."
"I know," he said quietly, "Andy said something about it to Bjorn the last time he was over. He said that the two of you fight all the time, ever since the accident, and he thinks his sister might be sicker than you"re telling him."
"My mother"s been telling him Allie is going to be fine. And that drives me crazy too." She looked at him then and he could see how tired she was. She was beyond exhausted. Three weeks of the kind of agony she had lived through was too much for anyone, without taking a serious toll on them, and it was taking a toll on her and he could see it.
"Maybe it"s time for them to leave." Enough was enough, if this was what it did to her, but he was in no position to help her get rid of them. He was an invisible friend, and they knew nothing of his existence.
"I said that to them last night, but my mother says she couldn"t possibly leave me alone with Allie." She laughed at the absurdity of it, and he put an arm around her shoulder and kissed her.
"I"m sorry you have to go through all this. What you"re going through with Allie is enough without all this bulls.h.i.t."
"I don"t know ... I guess I needed to be tested or something. I think I"m flunking." She said it with tears in her eyes and he pulled her closer still and kissed her again in the ICU waiting room where no one would see them.
"I think you"re doing fantastically, better than A plus."
"Shows what you know," she said, and blew her nose. And then she leaned against him and closed her eyes, wishing things would get just a little better. "I"m so tired of it all ...Trygve, will it ever end?" But right now there was no easy end to any of it, and they both knew it.
"A year from now, you"ll look back at all this and wonder how you survived it."
"Will I even live that long?" she asked, grateful to have him to lean on, and he spoke gently and firmly as he held her.
"I"m counting on it, Page ... a lot of us are." She nodded, and they sat for a long time in silence before she went back to Allie.