As soon as I walked in the club it I got a weird sense that it didn"t want me there any more, as though the pull it once had over me had been put into reverse making me feel unsure and unwelcome. It was strange to see the club this way, like a deserted old Wild West town that had lost its sheriff. There was no security at the stairs as there usually was and it was deadly silent.
I took a deep breath and made for the back staircase trying to retain my annoyed state. I would not let him intimidate me, not this time! Once upstairs I noticed that most of it was now empty with only one waitress, Rue, and with about five tables occupied. Draven"s table wasn"t one of them. I walked over to the bar where Karmun as always was working. He noticed me and for a split second I thought I saw a nervous glint in his eyes. But it was quickly replaced with an even more friendly smile.
"Hey Keira, I think you"re needed downstairs mainly today," he said as he was wiping down the bar with a wet cloth.
"Karmun did you see what happened last night?" I said coming straight out with it. He looked uncomfortable again and I knew the answer but he remained calm and said, "Umm... I"m sorry Keira, I"m not allowed to talk about it," trying to palm me off with the no gossip rule but again I wasn"t having any of it.
"And why not, considering it had something to do with me I think I"m ent.i.tled to the facts?" I said slightly miffed. He held up his hands about to say something else when I gave up saying, "Ok, then fine, I want to speak to Draven about it!" I couldn"t believe where all this bravery was coming from but I just hoped it lasted until I was in front of the man himself.
"Are you sure that"s a good idea?"
"It"s what I want yes, I think it"s the only way that I will get the answers that I am looking for," I said holding my head high.
"Ok...I will tell him, why don"t you wait on the balcony for him to arrive," he said probably shocked at anyone demanding such a thing. I nodded in return and stormed out to the balcony. Being here brought back a flood of memories from last night. What was it with this place and balconies anyway? Everything seemed to happen on them!
The cool air nipped at my skin as I pulled my long black jacket closer to my neck zipping it up the whole way. It was the one with a big hood but also the one that had a big neck that acted like a scarf. The thought of a scarf also brought me back to last night before things had turned darker and more surreal. I let my mind drift in and out of last night"s events, so when Draven did finally arrive I wasn"t as prepared as I had been.
"Keira, you wanted to see me?" He said the words in an un-amused tone and my pulse went up a couple of notches as usual. He stood back from me unlike all the other times we had been brought together. Now though, it was clearly going to be different. His face said as much. He was wearing black trousers with a black suit jacket only underneath he wore a more casual faded grey t shirt that once again showed the washboard stomach. One that I had seen so intimately last night. However this more casual look didn"t reflect his mood.
"Yes...I wanted to talk to you about last night." I said trying to remain strong, only he didn"t even look bothered that I wanted to speak to him. It must have been an act surely?
"Ah yes, well it was an unfortunate accident and I"m glad to see you"re feeling better after your fall." He replied changing back to his usual "boss" routine.
"What fall?" I asked shaking my head, feeling the warmth invade my cheeks.
"You must not remember, well that"s understandable, you went out like a light. I do apologise for what happened and I a.s.sure you, I do not tolerate fighting in my club but well this is what is expected when drugs are involved. Trust me when I say the matter has been dealt with." Trust him? How could I ever trust this man, who stood in front of me now...I didn"t even know him! He was cold and my heart froze from its freezing aftershock. This wasn"t Draven...This wasn"t my Draven! The anger came back building up inside of me like a firecracker ready to burst.
"That"s....That didn"t happen...G.o.d d.a.m.n it, I didn"t fall!" I shouted the words and his cold heart affected his face, looking at me though I was no one...I was back to being "the n.o.body".
"And what is it that you believe to have happened exactly?" He crossed his arms making his scepticism all that more clear. So I did it, I did what I had come here to do and I wasn"t about to back down now. I didn"t care how much my mind screamed no, I wasn"t going to lose this fight.
"Fine, play it like that, but I know you know what happened, but considering you"re playing it down as though last night was nothing, then you go ahead and do that! But I will never believe that and no matter how much you try to trick me...I"m here telling you now, it won"t work!" I said and the tears welled up but didn"t betray me as they stayed firmly in place. I had to tense my fists when I said this so as not to shake with hurt.
He stood glaring, his black eyes held no shred of the pa.s.sion that I had seen flow so freely last night.
Then the doors opened and the beautiful red head that sat at his table glided in. She stopped next to him and there was something different about her that I hadn"t seen before. But no matter what I braced myself for, what I saw next would crush my heart and every hope I had ever foolishly allowed myself to feel.
She curled her body around him and his arms embraced her, returning the affection. She then looked at me as though I had been made of invisible matter.
"Oh you must be Keira, the waitress who got knocked down due to the fight, how"s your head feeling today?" She said in a voice that sang with the same beauty that emanated off her. I had to use every last breath in my body to answer without showing the tears that just wanted to run freely out of my fragile body.
"I"m fine thank you." I said and Draven for some reason, probably disgust, turned his face away.
"Well that"s good, well I"m sorry Dominic I will leave you to finish and trouble you with wedding plans later." As she spoke these cruel words I was sure you could actually hear the sound of my heart being ripped apart. I wanted to look away. h.e.l.l, I wanted to run and never look back but I was trapped like a bird in a gla.s.s room. I was being blinded by the light and couldn"t find my way out of my own personal cage of nightmares. She lifted herself to the height of his face and kissed him. This was enough to unleash the tears from my eyes, leaving behind a salty road for others to follow. I looked away and wiped them off my skin in vain.
I didn"t notice when she left, but to be honest my mind was a blur, consumed with the pain of self-pity. I just want to drown in it.
"I"m sorry that was rude, I didn"t introduce you to my Fiance. That was Celina," he said still holding on to his unemotional countenance and I had lost all of mine. I couldn"t speak fearing what I would now say. Then, when I thought the pain couldn"t get worse than the thought of him getting married to one of the most perfect creatures this world had ever seen....he spoke.
"I understand there has been a misjudged account of affections that do not exist. Perhaps this was partly my doing as well, as a young over active imagination can sometimes twist the truth. I think in light of your clear feelings, I would think it best for you if you no longer worked up here in the VIP." He finished this sentence thus sealing my fate into the pit of misery. He could see the tears and yet his arrogance was still stronger than ever. We were miles apart and the difference was that he didn"t care and all the time I was fighting my way to get back.
"Right...you"re right, clearly... what a stupid mistake to have made!" I said this out loud not realising, as nothing made sense...but nothing ever does when you"re lost.
"I think you"re a hard worker and..."
"DON"T! Please... just don"t, I will continue downstairs and you have nothing to worry about. I will never set foot up here again and that I can promise you!" I said as my last attempt at saving my face. When I said this there was the first tiniest bit of emotion I saw in his soulless eyes but I looked away from it, knowing that if I saw anything that would give me hope, I would fight for him...And clearly it was a one sided battle. One I could never win.
I walked past him to the door and something made me stop. I turned to face his back as his eyes did not follow and swallowed back the sob saving it for when I was out of this h.e.l.l!
"Oh and congratulations....My Lord!" And these were the last words before I ran from the balcony, down the stairs, out of the building and across the car park, as fast as my legs could carry me. Once I got to my truck I couldn"t even wait till I was in the safety of its metal frame. My body sank against it and I cried till every part of me hurt. I don"t even remember getting into my car or stupidly starting the engine. But my body"s need to feel safe again was greater than the risks. I could barely even see the road ahead but somehow as if another body had taken hold of me making my arms and legs work together, I was driving. I couldn"t even feel them, as my body was numb. I should have been shaking uncontrollably but my body parts just kept going until they got me home.
Once in the driveway my possessed hand cut the engine and then that was it, I was back to me again and it hurt all over. My body convulsed and I sobbed so much that I couldn"t breathe. I gasped for the air to fill my lungs but it was proving hard as the tears wouldn"t let up and trying to do both was difficult.
I don"t know how long I sat there but the pain continued to overwhelm every part of me and I only realised it must have been hours as it was now dark. Luckily, Libby and Frank had still not come back and I finally gathered my senses long enough to make it into the house. I noticed there were two messages on the machine and I reluctantly pressed play.
"Hey Kazzy, hope you"re having fun with the house all to yourself as me and Frank are staying another night, be back tomorrow around noon, love you!!" Libby"s happy voice filled the air and tears rolled out of my tired, sore eyes as the word "fun" had been a painful word to chew on. The other message made it ten times worse as it was Jerry confirming my new shifts and how Draven had spoken to him telling him that I wasn"t need today and wouldn"t be for a few days, so I was to start back on Wednesday. This had me falling to my knees in a crumpled pile on the floor and I cried so hard that I must have pa.s.sed out, tiring myself as I next woke when dawn was breaking outside.
I dragged my heartbroken body to my bedroom and I fell into bed covering my head with my covers, never wanting to see the light of day. I wanted to stay in my safe little coc.o.o.n where no-one could ever hurt me again.
How could I have let this happen? How could I have allowed myself to believe such things? Draven had never wanted me. He had never cared and all those nights that it had seemed as if he did, were all a terrible lie my mind had created. I had seen into things that weren"t there. I was swept away by a man that had never really existed and the result of my mistake was the broken sh.e.l.l of who I was.
I got up, not being able to sleep even though I was exhausted. I wished I could have just got in my car and kept driving until I came to an end. The end being when the hurting inside finally stopped. Coming here had been a big mistake. I was stupid to believe I could ever have belonged here! I didn"t belong anywhere. I just left an aftermath of destruction in my path.... I was poison!
In the end I rang RJ telling her I wasn"t feeling good and that if I felt better then I might make it in later for History. She had asked what was wrong and with the sound of my broken voice I got away with telling her it was flu. Of course, after looking at myself in the mirror, my voice wasn"t the only evidence of it. I had no colour to my skin, only the red blotches that remained around my eyes making it look as if I had lost the fight. Which was right in more ways than one. My eyes were the scariest thing, as they had no whites left as it had been replaced by blood. My nose hurt around the edges from being rubbed so frequently that not much skin was left there. My lips were cracked through the constant biting making them bleed. This was so that some of my pain was directed to the outside of my body therefore relieving some from the inside.
In the end I couldn"t face college as seeing Sophia again was going to be too much to bear. The wound that Draven had inflicted was still too fresh and exposed. I finally got out of bed and dressed only, without looking at the clock, I had no idea how long I had just sat there thinking about what a fool I was. Once I was dressed, things started to get clearer and I needed to make a change to get past this. After all I had come back from worse than this, hadn"t I? It didn"t feel like it. I might have the scars from the other "Incident" that showed on the outside as a constant reminder but Draven had also left his scars and they ran deep inside to my core. So what was worse...I knew the answer to that question.
I pulled on my father"s old college football sweater and grabbed two things before leaving. One was my car keys and the other was the picture I had drawn of Draven.
I got back in my car, driving faster than I should have been. I let the sound of the engine drown out most of my self-pitying thoughts. Jack had told me about this place and I drove in the direction that thankfully was far from Afterlife! That name...Is that what it meant? That Draven would steal my heart and my soul and this was to be my AFTERLIFE! Thinking about the pain didn"t bring tears any more as if there was nothing left in me. He had taken everything and all I could do was try and resurrect myself to how I was before I had ever seen him. I had to be re-born and there was only one way I knew how to do this and it was going to be hard. A lot harder than last time...
I found the dirt road after the warning signs for cliff faces and I knew where this would lead me to, as Jack had wanted to bring me here on a picnic once. I thought of Jack for a moment, wondering how this would have all gone if I had seen him first and he had been the one in my dreams.
The road came to an end in a big semi-circle where the cars usually parked. I turned off the engine and got out. The cold hit me and the wind whipped round my face as I realised how high up I was. The cold was a good thing. It kept things clearer and I had my goal firmly set in my mind. As scared as I was of the drop below me, I walked to the edge not fully feeling the fear. After all, what did I have to fear any more, when all my fears had come true in my life? One after another I had been used and thrown away, when I was no longer needed...but this time I would change it all. I would never go back to that...never. And this was my proof, no matter how small an action it seemed.
The trees swayed around the forest and I knew this was a perfect place to finish this obsession. Once and for all!
I pulled the picture of Draven out of my back pocket and sat down crossing my legs getting close enough to the edge to be able to get rid of the problem. I took one long hard look at the pencilled sketch knowing that I had already seen the last of the original. So now my re-birth would be to get rid of every last bit of him, including any of my thoughts about him. See, I had the mentality that if I could cast my demons from my mind by drawing them, locking them into the page thus banishing them from entering my mind again. But I had always kept them and I never really understood why I did this. So it got me thinking, maybe the only way to get him out of my mind completely is to remove him from my memory. So with this in mind, I kissed my hand placing it gently on his face before tearing into it with so much fiery pa.s.sion that before long it was in tiny pieces in my hands and I waited for why I had come here.
I closed my eyes remaining still trying to judge the air around me, feeling it coming close thinking if this could help once before then maybe I would have a chance. Even if it just got a little better then that could be enough to get me through this, making the most horrific pain I have ever felt turn into a mind numbing existence. So I sat waiting patiently for the exact moment when it felt right to let go of him forever....And then it came blowing my hair up around my head and I lifted my hands opening my palms feeling the pain being taken away with the pieces I had left of Draven. They blew upwards, carried into the sky where they belonged...where he belonged. I watched as they blew into the green abyss of the forest and my eyes strained as I watched until they were all out of sight.
Now I could move on and finally....
Say goodbye.
Chapter 29- Grasping Reality.
After that day I did in fact get slightly better as I pulled myself together and carried on. The pain never fully went away but was instead replaced with a dull ache, as my mind was numb. But I went on with my life as you have to. Sophia never returned to History, I didn"t even know whether she dropped out or was ill but it seemed too much of a coincidence that she disappeared from college life. No-one was allowed to talk about it and the only one that had been nice to me from the beginning was Jerry. But even this I think was staged. I completed my shifts like a machine being controlled by the NEED.... more than the WANT part of me. But the more and more I worked the less painful it got being there. Then even the others started talking to me again and Mike and I were once again friends. We even flirted with each other on occasions. I finally started to relax again.
Nothing happened again, there were no more dreams that included him. There were no more crazy bird sightings and I didn"t even have any dreams of monsters. However my dreams didn"t just stop. No, instead they had taken on a darker turn. I decided that after the fourth time of waking up in the house screaming I would finally give in and see a counsellor. I had made my appointment with a Doctor Goff and I was now sat in a waiting room with peach walls and c.r.a.ppy pictures of summer flowers in pots and a little girl playing happily with her dog. If this was supposed to have a calming effect then it most certainly didn"t work. After my nightmares, I had seemed to have taken a darker approach to life and I tried desperately to control it. I found nothing fun or good in anything anymore and it was starting to scare me.
The only peace I would find is whenever I went back to the cliff face. I would sit there for hours, looking out to the view thinking about where it all went wrong. I know this wasn"t the best way to think and that everything happens for a reason but when your heart is torn and your body broken, it is very easy to hate that logic. I mean, have the people that say this ever had something bad happen to them? Well if they had, then they were admittedly a much better person than I.
The woman behind the desk looked over her thick-rimmed gla.s.ses and spoke out my name in a squeaky voice.
"You may go in now."
I walked into a room that had been furnished to try and give you a homely feel, as though trying not to intimidate you or make you feel even more uncomfortable about the situation that had obviously got so bad to have brought you here in the first place. The room had a big couch and a smaller armchair next to it. There was shelving around the room with different "Self-help" books and a few family photos. Doctor Goff was a middle-aged man with a full beard that had a mixture of ginger and grey bits in it that I couldn"t take my eyes off. He wore small gla.s.ses and looked like every other shrink I had ever seen. It was as if when they started to develop people would turn to them saying "You know you kind of look like a therapist or a doctor," And they would reply "Ok then, that"s what I will do"!
He motioned for me to sit, as he was sat behind his desk, which held a laptop and piles of paperwork. He didn"t look very organised for a professional person.
"Miss Johnson, I am pleased to meet you, sorry for your longer wait but I have found it difficult finding any of your medical history. Where did you say you were from?" He said as he stroked his bushy beard.
"This is the deal Doc, I don"t want anyone to know my background as I left it behind me where I want it to stay! I don"t want to bring all my old problems into this because that"s not why I am here," I said getting all that I had rehea.r.s.ed out at once before I forgot. Shrinks had a crafty way of getting information out of you and I knew if I didn"t set the ground rules straight away, then I could slip up.
"Then why are you here?" He asked in a non-aggressive tone.
"I"m here because I can"t sleep and when I do sleep I wake up screaming for help from my nightmares," I said not taking a breath.
"Help from whom?"
"Sorry?" I said wondering why he asked me that.
"You said you cry for help, I was just wondering who from?" Again this question I didn"t really understand and I wasn"t about to tell him who exactly I was crying out for. So I lied and said, "My sister or any one really."
"Why don"t you tell me about the dream?"
"Ok well...I"m at a club and I"m about to start my shift as I work there you see..." I was stalling and I didn"t know why but his eyes had turned very dark and intense making me want to stop and not go on.
"Go on...what happens at this club?" He urged.
"Well I go into the back room where I always put my bag and jacket. There"s this gilded mirror and I always give myself a once over before starting my shift," I said stopping, but his face got more intense and his hand lifted motioning me to continue. So I took a deep breath and explained the rest.
"I"m looking at my face in the mirror and I see someone else instead of me staring back."
"Who?" He asked and I repeated the same question back at him.
"Who?
"Yes, who was staring back at you?" He asked and I didn"t want to say.
"Just some guy, but anyway..." But he stopped me again.
"Just some guy? Someone you know? Someone you work with or for?" He asked and I froze as he hit the nail on the head with the last one.
"My boss....so anyway....I turn around quickly to find the room is empty and the door is still closed. So I turn back to face the mirror and it"s me again. Only something is different and very wrong as I don"t look the same. I have my hair down which I never do, and I"m wearing different clothes."
"Do you recognise your other self from a different time?" He said looking over his gla.s.ses as if to judge my reaction to the question. I wondered if he knew I was lying when I replied, "No."
"Ok, then please continue," he said as he wrote down some more notes in a red leather bound book.
"So the girl...well I mean me...she is staring back at me with hate in her eyes and I"m always so scared to look at her. I move my face away but then I hear a tapping on the gla.s.s, so I look back once more. I find her tapping the gla.s.s with a broken piece of the mirror that is now missing from the one I am looking at. It"s a long piece that"s thicker where she holds it and it goes down into a deadly point that she is using to get my attention. I freeze to the spot and scream "What do you want?" She then mouths the word "DIE" to me and her arm comes out of the mirror and slashes at my arms over and over, cutting my wrists so that when I look down I am covered in blood again and screaming.....That"s when I wake up." And there it was. Of course I knew what the dream was about and didn"t need any Doctor telling me his theory of interpretation. All I needed were the pills!
"Ah" He said looking at my arms finding nothing but my sweater"s sleeves.
"So any suicide attempts before?" He asked bluntly and I coughed, as I couldn"t believe what he had just said. Weren"t Doctors supposed to be delicate about this type of thing?
"NO!" I shouted as I was now clearly upset.
"I"m sorry did that bother you?"
"No but it took me by surprise."
"Sorry, but I have to be sure and considering I don"t have any records on your medical background I"m in the dark here....So you said about seeing the blood on your arms again, what do you think that was referring to?" Ah so that"s why he had asked, I had slipped up and said the word "again".
"I don"t know why, I must have just made a mistake that"s all."
"Ok, so you can"t sleep, has anything traumatic or emotional happened recently?" His eyes looked deep into me as if trying to hook out the lies that he knew were coming from me.
"No, I have a lot on at college and I work nights so maybe I"m just wired from it all but I need to get some sleep," I said rubbing my tired eyes, hoping this was enough to convince him.
"Ok, so you said you work nights, is this at the club in your dreams?"
"Yes, but that really doesn"t have anything to do with it," I said getting defensive and he knew it, so he decided to keep pushing for it.
"You also mentioned your boss in the dream. Do you have feelings for him?" Oh come on! Now he wanted to know about my non-existent romantic life.
"He"s my boss," I said trying to state the not so obvious.
"Yes, but things can still happen between an employer and an employee."
"Yes I know but nothing happened." I was so close to caving that I could feel the tears coming back for the first time in weeks.
"Umm...I"m not so sure. You say that nothing has happened but whenever I mention the idea you look upset...I"m here to listen Keira, so please give me that chance." And that was it, the way he said my name reminded me of Draven so much that I could have sworn I was talking to the man himself. A tear rolled down my cheek and I said the words I didn"t want to admit.
"Ok, the truth is, I fell for my boss and I stupidly mistook that he had some feelings for me too but I was cruelly exposed to the truth and as a result, I am trying my hardest to get over it," I said and I wiped the tears from my face with the tissue he had handed to me.
"Right well...In that case I will prescribe you with some Benzodiazepines which will help you relax but this is for a short time only. I don"t want you becoming dependant on these and I want you to come and see me once a week for four more sessions, then we will take it from there." He said looking strangely sad from my little outburst. I got up happy that my time was over. He handed me the prescription and shook my hand giving me a weird feeling when I came into contact with his skin, like it was a familiar memory that I couldn"t quite remember.
After meeting with the doctor I knew that I wouldn"t be returning for a second visit. He was very good at a.n.a.lysing my dream and I knew it wouldn"t be long before he got me telling him my sad and gruelling past. Most doctors had a way of digging for the truth as they believed that to face our problems head on was the only way to deal with them. I had already faced "My problem" head on before and I was not about to do it ever again!
Libby had told Frank the good news about her being pregnant after a scan confirmed what she already knew. Frank had gone crazy with happiness, telling everybody he knew and even some he didn"t. As soon as the phone went, even sales people would hear all about it. So unless they were selling baby cribs and strollers, as they call them here, then most of the time they would be the ones to end the call. I had been there when Libby had told our mother and she cried that much she had to put my dad on the phone.