Instead of the dreams, instead of the sudden rushing, crashing horror, he was haunted by a nameless dread. Dread of something he didn"t know, something that waited for him, something he couldn"t face. Something that hung over him at night, that was there with him in the morning, that came between him and the light of the sun.
Anne kept it away. Anne came between it and him. He was unhappy and frightened when Anne was not there.
It was always, "You"re _not_ going, Anne?"
"Yes. But I"m coming back."
"How soon?"
And she would say, "An hour;" or, "Half an hour," or, "Ten minutes."
"Don"t be longer."
"No."
And then: "I don"t know how it is, Anne. But everything seems all right when you"re there, and all wrong when you"re not."
ii
The Manor Farm house stands in the hamlet of Upper Speed. It has the grey church and churchyard beside it and looks across the deep road towards Sutton"s farm.
The beautiful Jacobean house, the church and church-yard, Sutton"s farm and the rectory, the four cottages and the Mill, the river and its bridge, lie close together in the small flat of the valley. Green pastures slope up the hill behind them to the north; pink-brown arable lands, ploughed and harrowed, are flung off to either side, east and west.
Northwards the valley is a slender slip of green bordering the slender river. Southwards, below the bridge, the water meadows widen out past Sutton"s farm. From the front windows of the Manor Farm house you see them, green between the brown trunks of the elms on the road bank. From the back you look out across orchard and pasture to the black, still water and yellow osier beds above the Mill. Beyond the water a double line of beeches, bare delicate branches, rounded head after rounded head, climbs a hillock in a steep curve, to part and meet again in a thick ring at the top.
The house front stretches along a sloping gra.s.s plot, the immense porch built out like a wing with one ball-topped gable above it, a smaller gable in the roof behind. On either side two rows of wide black windows, heavy browed, with thick stone mullions.
Barker, Jerrold Fielding"s agent, used to live there; but before the spring of nineteen sixteen Barker had joined up, Wyck Manor had been turned into a home for convalescent soldiers, and Anne was living with Colin at the Manor Farm.
Half of her Ilford land had been taken by the government; and she had let the rest together with the house and orchard. Instead of her own estate she had the Manor to look after now. It had been impossible in war-time to fill Barker"s place, and Anne had become Jerrold"s agent.
She had begun with a vague promise to give a look round now and then; but when the spring came she found herself doing Barker"s work, keeping the farm accounts, ordering fertilizers, calculating so many hundredweights of superphosphate of lime, or sulphate of ammonia, or muriate of potash to the acre; riding about on Barker"s horse, looking after the ploughing; plodding through the furrows of the hill slopes to see how the new drillers were working; going the round of the sheep-pens to keep count of the sick ewes and lambs; carrying the motherless lambs in her arms from the fold to the warm kitchen.
She went through February rain and snow, through March wind and sleet, and through the mists of the low meadows; her feet were loaded with earth from the ploughed fields; her nostrils filled with the cold, rich smell of the wet earth; the rank, sharp smell of swedes, the dry, pungent smell of straw and hay; the thick, oily, woolly smell of the folds, the warm, half-sweet, half sour smell of the cattle sheds, of champed fodder, of milky cow"s breath; the smell of hot litter and dung.
At five and twenty she had reached the last clear decision of her beauty. Dressed in riding coat and breeches, her body showed more slender and more robust than ever. Rain, sun and wind were cosmetics to her firm, smooth skin. Her eyes were bright dark, washed with the clean air.
On her Ess.e.x farm and afterwards at the War she had learned how to handle men. Sulky Curtis, who grumbled under Barker"s rule, surrendered to Anne without a scowl. When Anne came riding over the Seven Acre field, lazy Ballinger pulled himself together and ploughed through the two last furrows that he would have left for next day in Barker"s time.
Even for Ballinger and Curtis she had smiles that atoned for her little air of imperious command.
And Colin followed her about the farmyard and up the fields till he tired and turned back. She would see him standing by the gate she had pa.s.sed through, looking after her with the mournful look he used to have when he was a little boy and they left him behind.
He would stand looking till Anne"s figure, black on her black horse, stood up against the skyline from the curve of the round-topped hill. It dipped; it dipped and disappeared and Colin would go slowly home.
At the first sound of her horse"s hoofs in the yard he came out to meet her.
One day he said to her, "Jerrold"ll be jolly pleased with what you"ve done when he comes home."
And then, "If he ever can be pleased with anything again."
It was the first time he had said Jerrold"s name.
"That"s what"s been bothering me," he went on. "I can"t think how Jerrold"s going to get over it. You remember what he was like when Father died?"
"Yes." She remembered.
"Well--what"s the War going to do to him? Look what it"s done to me. He minds things so much more than I do."
"It doesn"t take everybody the same way, Colin."
"I don"t suppose Jerrold"ll get sh.e.l.l-shock. But he might get something worse. Something that"ll hurt him more. He must mind so awfully."
"You may be sure he won"t mind anything that could happen to himself."
"Of course he won"t. But the things that"ll happen to other people.
Seeing the other chaps knocked about and killed."
"He minds most the things that happen to the people he cares about. To you and Eliot. They"re the sort of things he can"t face. He"d pretend they couldn"t happen. But the war"s so big that he can"t say it isn"t happening; he"s got to stand up to it. And the things you stand up to don"t hurt you. I feel certain he"ll come through all right."
That was the turning point in Colin"s malady. She thought: "If he can talk about Jerrold he"s getting well."
The next day a letter came to her from Jerrold. He wrote: "I wish to goodness I could get leave. I don"t want it _all_ the time. I"m quite prepared to stick this beastly job for any reasonable period; but a whole year without leave, it"s a bit thick..."
"About Colin. Didn"t I tell you he"d be all right? And it"s all _you_, Anne. You"ve made him; you needn"t pretend you haven"t. I want most awfully to see you again. There are all sorts of things I"d like to say to you, but I can"t write "em."
She thought: "He"s got over it at last, then. He won"t be afraid of me any more."
Somehow, since the war she had felt that Jerrold would come back to her.
It was as if always, deep down and in secret, she had known that he belonged to her and that she belonged to him as no other person could; that whatever happened and however long a time he kept away from her he would come back at some time, in some way. She couldn"t distinguish between Jerrold and her sense of Jerrold; and as nothing could separate her from the sense of him, nothing could separate her from Jerrold himself. He had part in the profound and secret life of her blood and nerves and brain.
IX
JERROLD
i
At last, in March, nineteen-sixteen, Jerrold had got leave.
Anne was right; Jerrold had come through because he had had to stand up to the War and face it. He couldn"t turn away. It was too stupendous a fact to be ignored or denied or in any way escaped from. And as he had to "take" it, he took it laughing. Once in the thick of it, Jerrold was sustained by his cheerful obstinacy, his inability to see the things he didn"t want to see. He admitted that there was a war, the most appalling war, if you liked, that had ever been; but he refused, all the time, to believe that the Allies would lose it; he refused from moment to moment to believe that they could be beaten in any single action; he denied the possibility of disaster to his own men. Disaster to himself--possibly; probably, in theory; but not in practice. Not when he turned back in the rain of the enemy"s fire to find his captain who had dropped wounded among the dead, when he swung him over his shoulder and staggered to the nearest stretcher. He knew he would get through. It was inconceivable to Jerrold that he should not get through. Even in his fifth engagement, when his men broke and gave back in front of the German parapet, and he advanced alone, shouting to them to come on, it was inconceivable that they should not come on. And when they saw him, running forward by himself, they gathered again and ran after him and the trench was taken in a mad rush.
Jerrold got his captaincy and two weeks" leave together. He had meant to spend three days in London with his mother, three days in Yorkshire with the Durhams, and the rest of his time at Upper Speed with Anne and Colin. He was not quite sure whether he wanted to go to the Durhams.
More than anything he wanted to see Anne again.
His last unbearable memory of her was wiped out by five years of India and a year of war. He remembered the child Anne who played with him, the girl Anne who went about with him, and the girl woman he had found in her room at dawn. He tried to join on to her the image of the Anne that Eliot wrote to him about, who had gone out to the war and come back from it to look after Colin. He was in love with this image of her and ready to be in love again with the real Anne. He would go back now and find her and make her care for him.
There had been a time, after his father"s death, when he had tried to make himself think that Anne had never cared for him, because he didn"t want to think she cared. Now that he did want it he wasn"t sure.