Approval Addiction.
Joyce Meyer.
Introduction.
UNDERSTANDING APPROVAL ADDICTION.
There is an epidemic of insecurity in our society today. Many people are insecure and feel bad about themselves, which steals their joy and causes major problems in all their relationships.
I know the effect insecurity can have on lives because I experienced it myself. I know what it does to a person. Those who have been hurt badly through abuse or severe rejection, as I have, often seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low selfesteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction of approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems to not approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have losta"even things their conscience tells them are wrong. For example, if a person is met with disapproval when she declines an invitation, she might change her plans and accept the invitation just to gain approval. She compromises herself for the sake of feeling approved.
An addiction is something that controls peoplea" something they feel they cannot do without or something they do to alleviate pain or pressure. It is what people run to when they are hurting or feel lonely. It comes in many varieties, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling, s.e.x, shopping, eating, worka"and yes, even approval. Like any addict, insecure people look for a "fix" when they get shaky. They need someone to reaffirm them and a.s.sure them everything is all right and they are acceptable. When a person has an addiction the things they are addicted to are on their mind most of the time. Therefore, if a person is an approval addict, he or she will have an abnormal concern and an abundance of thoughts about what people think of them.
The good news is that none of us has to suffer with insecurity; there is a cure for the approval addiction. The Word of G.o.d says we can be secure through Jesus Christ (See Ephesians 3:17). That means we are free to be ourselves and become all we can be in Him.
THE FOUNDATION FOR SECURITY.
A sense of security is something everyone needs and desires. Security enables us to enjoy healthy thinking and living. It means we feel safe, accepted, and approved of. When we are secure we approve of ourselves, we have confidence, we accept and love ourselves in a balanced way. We don"t necessarily need approval from others to feel confident. Security enables us to reach our potential and fulfill our G.o.d-given destiny.
I believe it is G.o.d"s will for each one of us to be secure, because lack of self-confidence torments us and keeps us from the blessings He intends for us to enjoy. Over the years I have learned that the foundation for security is knowing who we are in Christ, accepting G.o.d"s unconditional love, and accepting ourselves even though we realize we have weaknesses and are not perfect.
I come from an abusive background that left me suffering from insecurities even after I became a Christian because I wasn"t seeing myself through the eyes of Scripture. I rejected myself, and I didn"t like myself because I didn"t see myself as G.o.d saw me. I didn"t know who I was in Christ (See 2 Corinthians 5:21); I wasn"t rooted and grounded in His love and I didn"t know I could find my approval in Him. Even though according to Scripture I had been recreated in Christ (See Ephesians 2:10) and had been made a new creature and given a fresh start and a great future, I still saw myself as a failure and someone unlovable and unacceptable.
My life was very hard during that time. I was continually frustrated and had no real peace or joy because I had a poor self-image and felt n.o.body liked me. Those feelings caused me to act as though I didn"t need anyonea"as if I didn"t care how they felt about me. Yet down deep inside, I really did care and tried very hard to be what I thought others expected of me.
But as I studied the Word of G.o.d, I learned I was valuable in who I am in Christ, not in what I do or in other people"s opinions of me. I realized I didn"t have to stay insecure because when G.o.d looked at me, He saw the righteousness of His Son Jesus (See 2 Corinthians 5:21), not everything that was wrong with me or that I had done wrong. And the truth set me free. For the first time in my life I felt secure.
Part of our inheritance as believers is to be secure (See Isaiah 54:17)a"to know who we are in Christ, to have a feeling of righteousness or rightness with G.o.d. G.o.d declares we have worth and value by the fact that He sent His Son Jesus to die for us. We are not supposed to go around all the time feeling wrong about ourselves, as so many people do. Usually people who feel that way think, "There"s something wrong with me. I"m not what I need to be. I"m not where I need to be. I don"t look the way I should look. I"m not talented. I don"t this. I don"t that. I don"t something else."
The devil likes to remind us of what we are not, but G.o.d delights in affirming us and reminding us of who we are and what we can do through Jesus. Philippians 3:3 tells us to "put no confidence or dependence [on what we are] in the flesh and on . . . external appearances," but to "glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ." We are to look at Jesus, not ourselves.
Insecurity stems from looking at our weaknesses, our flaws, and inabilities. Freedom from insecurity comes when we do what Hebrews 12:2 instructs us do to: look away from all that distracts us to Jesus, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. Our flaws will certainly distract us if we pay too much attention to them. We should confess our faults to G.o.d and trust Him to change us in His own way and timing.
KNOWLEDGE LEADS TO DELIVERANCE.
Do you live under a burden of guilt and condemnation, feeling unrighteous, unworthy, and insecure? Are you a people-pleaser, always looking for the approval of others?
If the answer is yes, then I hope by the grace and the mercy of G.o.d to help you get over those feelings because they affect not only your personal relationships, but also your prayer life and your ability to be promoted in life. They certainly steal your joy and your peacea"and that is not G.o.d"s will for you or anyone else.
G.o.d"s will is that you enjoy your lifea"and you can do that, if you know how. That "how" is what I want to share with you in Approval Addiction. In the following pages are some tremendous insights I learned from G.o.d that helped me overcome the insecurities in my life and live in the righteousness, peace, and joy that are ours as children of G.o.d (See Romans 14:17). I have divided this book into three sections. Part I deals with accepting who we are in Christa"understanding we aren"t perfect and that it is okay. Part II addresses some specific addictions that hinder our walk with G.o.d and with others and what we need to do to overcome them. Finally, in Part III I talk about some general truths regarding our wholeness in G.o.d and where we need to be headed in our lives if we"re truly going to beat our addiction to approval. Throughout this book I will walk you through the steps and show you relevant Scriptures and personal stories that help you see you"re not alone, and that there is ultimate triumph.
I pray that as you read this book, you will begin to experience healing and freedom. The pathway to freedom is not necessarily an easy one. But pressing forward toward that goal is definitely easier than remaining in bondage. Knowledge of your right standing with G.o.d and the truth about your righteousness leads to deliverance from such feelings as condemnation, defeat, inadequacy, insecurity, and the need for approval from people. You will be lifted to new levels of freedom and become a confident, mature persona"one who can walk in the security of who you are in Christ. His approval will be all you need.
So take that first step now to overcome the Approval Addiction by taking an honest look at who you are and how you feel about yourself.
Chapter 1.
Facing Fear And Finding Freedom.
The first step in understanding an out-of-balance need for approval is to understand fear. The variety of fears people deal with is endless, but an important one I discovered in my own lifea"and one you may be dealing with yourselfa" is the fear of not being pleasing to G.o.d. If you have been hurt and wounded by people who were difficult or even impossible to please, you may think G.o.d is the same way. He isn"t! It is not as difficult to please G.o.d as we may think it is. Simple, childlike faith pleases Him. He already knows we will not behave perfectly all the time. That is why He sent Jesus to pay for our failures and mistakes.
As I said in the Introduction, I struggled and suffered in frustration many years trying to please G.o.d with good, or even perfect, behavior. At the same time I was always fearful I was failing. It seemed no matter what I did right, I always saw something I was doing wrong. I never felt good enough; no matter what I did, I always felt as if I needed to do more. I felt G.o.d was displeased with me, and even though that was not accurate, it was true for me because I believed it. I was deceived!
There is a possibility you, too, have been deceived. To be deceived means to believe a lie. Many people are trapped in bondage that makes them miserable simply because they have wrong belief systems. It is very possible you believe some things with all your heart, yet those things are not true at all. I once believed my future would always be affected by my past, but then I learned through G.o.d"s Word that what I believed was not true at all.
We can let go of what lies behind, be totally forgiven for all our wrongdoing, and enjoy the awesome future G.o.d had planned for us since before the beginning of time.
"WHAT MUST I DO TO PLEASE G.o.d?"
There are two main things I believe we must do to please G.o.d. Number one is to have faith in Jesus, and number two is to desire to please Him with all our heart. It is important to understand that we cannot have one without the other. The Bible says without faith it is impossible to please G.o.d (See Hebrews 11:6).
In John 6:28-29 we read about some people who asked Jesus: What are we to do, that we may [habitually] be working the works of G.o.d? [What are we to do to carry out what G.o.d requires?]
Jesus replied, This is the work (service) that G.o.d asks of you; that you believe in the One Whom He has sent.
So you see G.o.d is pleased when we believe in His Son Jesus, and He is not pleased when we don"t. We might do numerous good and benevolent works, yet if we have no faith in Jesus, G.o.d is still not pleased with us. But if we believe and trust in G.o.d, we enter His rest according to Hebrews 4; we feel at ease and comfortable rather than fearful and anxious about life.
We believe, and G.o.d works. Our worka"the work of the believera"is simply to believe. Remember, we are accepted because of our faith, not our good works. Christians are referred to as believers. If our job were to achieve, we would be called achievers, not believers. We often want to place an emphasis on what we do, but our focus should be on what G.o.d has done for us in Jesus Christ. We can concentrate on our sin and be miserable, or we can concentrate on G.o.d"s forgiveness and mercy and be happy.
If our job were to achieve, we would be called achievers, not believers.
Once we see this truth, we can enjoy our relationship with G.o.d. We don"t have to live under the pressure of acceptance by performance, followed by a fear of failure each time our performance is less than perfect. We do not have to be addicted to approval and ready to obtain it by any means. If we want to please G.o.d with all our hearts, all we need to do is believe in His Son Jesus Christ and believe what He says in His Word.
I lived in the performance-acceptance trap for many years. I was addicted to approval. I felt if I performed well, then I would be approved of and accepted by G.o.d and people. I did not feel good about nor accept myself unless I performed well. When I did not perform well, I automatically a.s.sumed G.o.d rejected me because that was what I was accustomed to with people. Once again truth was distorted for me through a wrong belief system.
G.o.d does not reject us when we make mistakes, but if we think He does, if we fear He does, the lie we have believed becomes truth to us. I once had an employee who had experienced a lot of rejection from her father when she did not do well in school or perform perfectly in other areas. The rejection she experienced early in her life caused her to develop some behavior patterns that were difficult to understand. When her job performance was anything less than perfect, I sensed her withdrawing from me and felt rejected by her. Not only did she withdraw, she also went into a work frenzy trying to get more done.
This behavior really bothered me and made it difficult for me to have a comfortable relationship with her. As her employer I dreaded giving her direction or correction about anything because I knew from experience how she would behave. As a matter of fact, I dreaded even asking her how various projects were coming along because if she could not give me a perfect report she became upset even if I remained calm. If I asked the status of her work, the only time she seemed settled and happy was if she could tell me everything was done, and done perfectly right.
I did not understand her actions at the time, but through prayer and sharing openly we finally discovered she was extremely afraid of being rejected if she did not perform perfectly. Even though I was not rejecting her, her fear of being rejected caused her to withdraw from me. To make matters worse, her withdrawal and silence then made me feel she was rejecting me, or that I had done something wrong. Her belief system was wrong, but it nonetheless created an uncomfortable atmosphere in which Satan could easily work.
I did not expect her to be perfect, but she expected it of herself. I was not pressuring her; she was pressuring herself. Even though I was not upset with her progress, she a.s.sumed I was and reacted to me accordingly. Her behavior really confused me and made me not want to work with her. Thankfully, she eventually learned to believe I loved and accepted her even though her performance was not always perfect. This enabled us to work together in joy for many years.
Just as I had learned before in my own life, my employee had to learn to believe what I said rather than what she felt. We must choose to do the same thing in our relationship with G.o.d. We must learn to trust G.o.d"s Word more than our own feelings. We often bow down to our feelings without realizing how fickle and changeable they are. Our feelings are not a reliable source of information. G.o.d loves us and accepts us unconditionally. His love is not based on our performance. The Bible says in Ephesians 1:6 KJV that we are made acceptable in the Beloved. As I said earlier, it is our faith in Jesus that makes us acceptable to G.o.d and pleases Him, not our performance.
We must learn to trust G.o.d"s Word more than our own feelings.
We are not living by faith if we believe how we feel more than we believe what G.o.d"s Word says. Do you believe the G.o.d of the Bible or the G.o.d of your feelings?
DESIRING TO PLEASE HIM IN ALL THINGS.
Anyone who loves G.o.d wants to please Him. The fact that we have a desire to please Him pleases Him. To please someone means to be well thought of or approved by that person. We want G.o.d"s approval, and there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, a desire to please G.o.d is necessary; it motivates us to seek His will in all things.
People who have a deep desire to please G.o.d may not perform perfectly all the time, but they keep pressing forward and always have the att.i.tude of wanting to improve.
In 2 Chronicles 16:9 we see G.o.d is searching to and fro for someone in whom He can show Himself strong, someone whose heart is perfect toward Him. The Scripture does not say He is looking for someone with a perfect performance, but rather someone with a perfect hearta"a heart that desires to please Him, a heart that is grieved over sin and evil, a heart that believes in Him and His willingness and ability to forgive and restore. G.o.d knows we cannot manifest perfection. If we could be perfect in our performance, we would not need a Savior, and Jesus would have come in vain. Jesus came for those who were sick in spirit, body, and soul, not those who had no need (See Luke 5:31-32). It is acceptable to be needy!
G.o.d is a G.o.d of hearts. He sees and cares about our att.i.tude of heart even more than our performance. I have said many times that I believe G.o.d would rather have a believer who has a good heart and a less than perfect performance than one who has a perfect performance but an impure heart.
For example, Jesus had much to say to the Pharisees of His day. They had a polished performance, they kept the laws, they followed all the rules and regulations, and they were proud of it. They also had a judgmental att.i.tude toward others, they did not walk in love, and they showed no mercy. Jesus called them whitewashed tombs full of dead men"s bones: Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, pretenders (hypocrites)! For you are like tombs that have been whitewashed, which look beautiful on the outside but inside are full of dead men"s bones and everything impure. (Matthew 23:27) These Pharisees were very religious peoplea"they kept all the rulesa"but their hearts were not right.
Truth pleases G.o.d. According to John 4:23-24 He is seeking worshipers who will worship Him in spirit and in truth (reality). He hates pretense! This is why I said earlier that two of the most important things to G.o.d are faith in Jesus and a pure heart that desires to please Him in all things.
A man once said to me, "I"m not mean; I"m just stupid."
His description of himself was correct. He is a person whom everyone likes, and he wants to do right, yet he seems to consistently make wrong decisions that get him into trouble. It is difficult to remain angry with him because he really does not intend to cause trouble even though he frequently does.
I am sure you have met people like the man I am describinga"people who are very frustrating, yet you really like them. I think G.o.d must see us that way at times. We do things that cause trouble in our own lives and then run to G.o.d to help us. The good news is that He does help us again and again because He knows our frame and remembers that we are but dust (See Psalm 103:14). As human beings, we look at the performance of others, but G.o.d sees the heart: But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) "THE THING I FEAR COMES UPON ME"
For the thing which I greatly fear comes upon me, and that of which I am afraid befalls me. (Job 3:25) As I said earlier, fear is a terrible emotiona"a self-fulfilling one. Job had fears concerning his children and finally reached a place in his life where he saw his fears coming to pa.s.s. The Bible says it will be unto us as we believe (See Matthew 9:29). That principle works in the negative as well as the positive. We can receive by fear as well as by faith.
My husband and I once hired a handyman to do some work for us. He kept saying he was afraid he would set off the security alarm. We went over the instructions with him several times but could tell that he still lacked confidence. The first day he came to do some work, he set the alarm when he left and everything seemed to be fine. But that evening we had some bad storms, and something set the alarm off at 3:00 A.M. The police called and said a door was ajar and they had secured it. We had to call the man we hired and ask him to go check. The news that the alarm went off really unsettled him. He said, "I was afraid that would happen."
Fear is simply faith in what Satan says.
Fear is simply faith in what Satan says. We must remember that not only does G.o.d speak to us but Satan also speaks. He is a liar (See John 8:44), and when we believe his lies, we are deceived and the door is open for him to work in our lives. We open the door for G.o.d to work by placing faith in His Word, and we open the door for Satan to work by placing faith in his word. He places thoughts in our minds that are not true, but can become true for us if they are believed. If we are afraid we are not pleasing to G.o.d or people, we will manifest behavior that will actually make us displeasing. The same principle works with rejection. If we fear being rejected, we will often behave in a way that will cause people to reject us. We produce what we believe!
Because I am seen as a strong authority figure, I sometimes encounter people who are afraid of me or very nervous in my presence. I don"t do anything to make them afraid; they have a problem from something in their past that has left them insecure and fearful in the presence of authority. I don"t like it when people are afraid of me. Just as in the case of my employee whose past issues strained our work relationship, it makes me uncomfortable and can actually cause me not to want to be around them. Their fear of me produces the very thing they are afraid of.
I know what I"m talking about, because I dealt with the same issue from the other side. I was raised in a very dysfunctional homea"a home filled with violence, abuse, and fear. Because I was mistreated, I developed the feeling that I was flawed and unacceptable. I was ashamed of myself. I was afraid to meet new people because I felt they would not like me, and sure enough most of them did not. Even the ones I did become friends with often told me later they did not like me when they first met me. I got exactly what I believed!
G.o.d LOVES US!.
As children of G.o.d we can renew our minds through studying G.o.d"s Word and begin to think differently (See Romans 12:2). As we think differently, we will behave differently, because where the mind goes the man follows (See Proverbs 23:7). When I saw in the Word of G.o.d that He actually was pleased with me and accepted me even though I did not behave perfectly, it changed my thinking. I started expecting people to like me. And sure enough, they did. I even began to confess out loud that G.o.d gave me favor and that people liked me. I learned to say what G.o.d said about me instead of what the devil wanted me to believe.1 Ask yourself what you have been expecting out of life, and you may discover the reason behind some of your disappointments. G.o.d wants us to aggressively expect good things, not bad ones. He wants us to expect acceptance as His gift to us. G.o.d will give us favor and approval if we expect it. Satan will give us rejection and disapproval if we expect it. Living in G.o.d"s supernatural favor is certainly better than attempting to earn acceptance through people-pleasing and a perfect performance.
In Matthew 3:13-17 we read an account of Jesus" baptism. When He came up out of the water, the Holy Spirit descended from heaven like a dove and landed on Him, and a voice from heaven said, "This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight!" Then, in Matthew 17:5 on the Mount of Transfiguration, a shining cloud overshadowed Jesus and His disciples, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is My Son, My Beloved, with Whom I am [and have always been] delighted." One day as I was studying, I realized that if Jesus needed to hear and receive this encouragement twice, how much more do we need to hear that we are pleasing to G.o.d? More important, what if Jesus had rejected His Father"s words? How would it have affected His life and ministry?
G.o.d tries to tell us in His Word how much He loves us, that He accepts us, and that even though He already knew every mistake we would ever make, He actually chose us for Himself: Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love. (Ephesians 1:4) We read it, but we have a difficult time receiving it. We let our feelings steal the blessing of G.o.d"s acceptance and approval. We let people"s opinions determine our worth and value rather than relying on G.o.d"s Word.
I encourage you to say out loud several times a day, "G.o.d loves me unconditionally, and He is pleased with me." The mind rejects such statements; after all, how could G.o.d, Who is perfect, be pleased with us in our imperfections? The point is that G.o.d separates who we are from what we do. My children are Meyers. They don"t always act right, but they never stop being Meyers; they never stop being my children. Knowing they have a right heart goes a long way with me. They make mistakes, but as long as they admit it, and their heart is right, I am always willing to work with them.
G.o.d loves me unconditionally, and He is pleased with me.
G.o.d feels the same about us. As believers in Jesus Christ, we are G.o.d"s children. We may not always act the way He wants us to, but we never stop being His children.
YOU ARE NO SURPRISE TO G.o.d.
We act as if G.o.d is shocked to discover we make mistakes. He is not in heaven wringing His hands saying, "Oh no! I had no idea you would act like this when I chose you."
G.o.d has a big eraser, and He uses it to keep our record clean and clear. He knows the end from the beginning of all things (See Isaiah 46:10). He already knows what our thoughts are and every word in our mouth that is still unuttered. He is acquainted with all of our ways (See Psalm 139:1-4). Even with all His foreknowledge of our weaknesses and the mistakes we would make, He still chose us on purpose and brought us into relationship with Himself through Christ.
If we never make mistakes, then we are probably not making any decisions either. F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "Never confuse a single mistake with a final mistake." Our mistakes have value; we can learn from them. I like what author and speaker John C. Maxwell had to say about them. He said mistakes are: M essages that give us feedback about life.
I nterruptions that should cause us to reflect and think.
S ignposts that direct us to the right path.
T ests that push us toward greater maturity.
A wakenings that keep us in the game mentally.
K eys that we can use to unlock the next door of opportunity.
E xplorations that let us journey where we"ve never been before.
S tatements about our development and progress.
I"m reminded of an anecdote I"ve read and heard several times over the years. A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a fifty-dollar bill. In the room of two hundred, he asked, "Who would like this fifty-dollar bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give it to one of you, but first let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty.
"Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth fifty dollars.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circ.u.mstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, we will never lose our value in G.o.d"s eyes. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, we are still priceless to Him.
Our desire for approval can only truly be met by receiving G.o.d"s acceptance and approval of us. G.o.d told Jeremiah that before He formed him in the womb of his mother, He knew him and approved of him as His chosen instrument (See Jeremiah 1:5). When G.o.d says He knows us, He means He really knows us. This is a knowing that leaves nothing out.
We will never lose our value in G.o.d"s eyes.
It is amazing to me that G.o.d chose me. I don"t think I would have chosen me. But G.o.d"s tool chest has some interesting things in it. He works with what the world would reject as useless and would throw away as trash: G.o.d selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.
And G.o.d also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are. (1 Corinthians 1:27-28) Yes, G.o.d chooses and uses what the world would reject and throw away! Was Jeremiah perfect? Absolutely not! G.o.d had to correct him about fear, especially fear of people. Jeremiah was afraid of being rejected and disapproved of. G.o.d corrected him about speaking negatively and encouraged him to go forward and not give up. G.o.d actually told Jeremiah not to look at people"s faces. We pay too much attention to how people respond to us. We often watch their faces to see if they approve or disapprove of what we are wearing, our hair, our performance, et cetera.
Yes, Jeremiah had problems just like we do. When G.o.d saw Jeremiah, He did not see perfection, but He obviously did see someone with a right heart who believed in Him. He saw those two main ingredients in pleasing G.o.d: (1) faith in Jesus and (2) a deep desire to please Him.
Although Jeremiah was not perfect, he did submit to the call of G.o.d on his life. Jeremiah, despite criticism, unpopularity, and attacks against him, faithfully delivered G.o.d"s message to the nation of Judah.
Elijah was another great prophet. G.o.d used him mightily, and his fame was widespread, yet he also had imperfections. He experienced seasons of fear, depression, self-pity, and a desire to give up (See 1 Kings 19:3-4).