INSECURITY AND APPROVAL ADDICTION.
As we discussed in the first part of the book, insecure people easily become approval addicts. They want and need other people"s approval so much that they will do just about anything to get it. But security is part of our inheritance from G.o.d through Jesus. He wants us to feel safe and comfortable at all times. He wants us to be free to be ourselves and to feel accepted. G.o.d will give us that freedom and acceptance through Jesus Christ, if we look to Him for it.
If you have been addicted to approval, or if you know anybody who is, you are aware that it is a miserable way to live. You never know when people are going to approve or disapprove of you. Just about the time you think you have figured out what they want, they may change their mind. You are not free to follow your heart or the leadership of the Holy Spirit because you must always think about what the people want, what will make them happy.
My father was totally dysfunctional. In other words, he did not function the way a father should have. Not only was he abusive in every way, he was impossible to please. Oh, he might show approval occasionally concerning something I had done, yet I could do the same thing at another time and get into trouble for doing it. The atmosphere was terribly unstable and supercharged with fear. It made me feel extremely insecure. I was always afraid of being disapproved of and getting into trouble or being punished. I tried my very best to do what I thought he might want, but it was ever changing and therefore impossible to figure out. Going through this experience eventually turned me into an "approval addict"a"I so desperately wanted to avoid the pain of disapproval, I was willing to do almost anything to get people"s approval.
He wants us to be free to be ourselves and to feel accepted.
I had to learn to confront this addiction in my life and confront the people who tried to control me.
CONFRONTATION.
Maintaining healthy relationships occasionally requires confrontation. That means you must say no even when the other party wants to hear yes. It means you may have to choose to do something you know the other party won"t approve of, if you know it is the right choice for you.
If you have not been confronting, and now find yourself being controlled and manipulated, making a change will not be easy. Once you develop a pattern of pleasing people out of fear, it takes a genuine step of faith to break the pattern.
I was very afraid of my father, and telling him no just didn"t seem to be an option. When I left home, I fell into the same habit pattern with other people who had a personality similar to his. I had difficulty maintaining my freedom, especially with strong-willed people. If I was with someone who would allow it, I became the controller; however, if the other person had a domineering personality, I always ended up being controlled. True freedom was something foreign to me. I did not know how to give other people freedom, and I did not know how to stand up for my own right to be free.
Maintaining healthy relationships occasionally requires confrontation.
If people are not accustomed to being confronted, they may react very aggressively until they become accustomed to the change. You may even need to explain that you realize you have allowed them to have their way in everything in the past, but that you have been wrong. Explain that you have been insecure and have needed their approval, but that now you have to make a change.
It will be hard for you and them, but in order to have a healthy relationship, you must do it.
Spend some time praying about it before confronting. Ask G.o.d to give you courage. Ask Him to help the other person be willing to change. What is impossible with man is possible with G.o.d (See Mark 10:27).
The important thing is to make a decision right now that with G.o.d"s help you will break the cycle of approval addiction. Initially, you may feel very uncomfortable with the thought that someone is not happy with you, but you must remember your only other choice is spending your life being unhappy. Breaking any addiction will produce suffering, but it leads to victory. We can suffer on our way to victory or we can suffer, in a never-ending cycle of addictions. If you are going to suffer, at least let it be for some worthwhile reason.
Breaking any addiction will produce suffering, but it leads to victory.
In the next chapter I want to look at one of the first obstacles we face when we make the choice to overcome the approval addictiona"letting go of the emotional hurts of our past.
Chapter 7.
Pressing Past The Pain Of Feelings
Abuse, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, disappointment, judgment, criticism, et cetera, all cause pain in our lives. Emotional pain is often more devastating than physical pain. A pain pill or other medication may alleviate physical pain, but emotional pain is not so easy to deal with. Most people are more comfortable talking about their physical pain than their emotional pain. It seems people feel they have to hide emotional pain and pretend it isn"t real, or they may even feel guilty for having it. There exists an imbedded idea in people"s minds that those with "emotional problems" are second-rate citizens. We can be physically sick and everyone feels sorry for us, but if we have emotional problems we are viewed suspiciously. Our emotions are part of our makeup, and they can wear out or become sick like any other part of the anatomy.
If you have an emotional wound in your life, Jesus wants to heal you. Don"t make the mistake of thinking He is only interested in your spiritual life. Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt! The root cause of an approval addiction is usually an emotional wound. The Bible teaches us that Jesus came to heal our wounds and bind up and heal our broken hearts, to give us beauty instead of ashes, and the oil of joy to replace mourning (See Isaiah 61:1-3). According to these Scriptures, He also came to open the prison and the eyes of those who are bound. Being addicted to approval is a prison, and I pray that this book is beginning to open your eyes.
Jesus can heal you everywhere you hurt!
We cannot deal with what we don"t recognize and understand, but once our eyes are opened we can learn to enjoy the freedom Jesus desires for each of us.
MAKING RIGHT CHOICES.
We have to start making right choices while we are still hurting, which is difficult and painful. Since that is the case, some people never break free. We often have to do the right thing for a long time before we begin getting right results. We must do right and keep doing right, pressing past how we feel about it. For example, treating someone right who has hurt us in the past is emotionally and mentally painful. It seems downright unfair and even like a stupid thing to do. After all, why should we be good to someone who has hurt us? Well, if we cannot find any other reason, we can choose to do it just because Jesus told us to (See Matthew 5:38-44).
If someone has hurt me, and I am bitter about it, that person is in actuality still hurting me. Bitterness is a pain in itself. It is a negative att.i.tude that steals joy and peace. However, if I am willing to press past the pain and make a decision to forgive, I will be free.
If my husband, Dave, hurts my feelings or disappoints me in some way, it hurts. As long as I refuse to forgive him, it keeps hurting. As soon as I choose to do what the Bible teaches me to do, which is to forgive and treat him as if nothing happened (See Matthew 6:14-15), I am free. To be free from the pain, I have to press past it; I have to choose to do the right thing while I am still hurting.
We often have to do the right thing for a long time before we begin getting right results.
Let me tell you a story that ill.u.s.trates this point. The scene is a courtroom trial in South Africa: A frail black woman about seventy years old slowly rises to her feet. Across the room and facing her are several white police officers. One of them is Mr. Van der Broek, who has just been tried and found implicated in the murders of both the woman"s son and her husband some years before. Van der Broek had come to the woman"s home, taken her son, shot him at point blank range and then set the young man"s body on fire while he and his officers partied nearby.
Several years later, Van der Broek and his men had returned for her husband as well. For months she knew nothing of his whereabouts. Then almost two years after her husband"s disappearance, Van der Broek came back to fetch the woman herself. How well she remembers in vivid detail that evening, going to a place beside a river where she was shown her husband, bound and beaten, but still strong in spirit, lying on a pile of wood. The last words she heard from his lips as the officers poured gasoline over his body and set him aflame were, "Father, forgive them . . ."
Now the woman stands in the courtroom and listens to the confessions offered by Mr. Van der Broek. A member of South Africa"s Truth and Reconciliation Commission turns to her and asks, "So what do you want? How should justice be done to this man who has so brutally destroyed your family?"
"I want three things," begins the old woman calmly, but confidently. "I want first to be taken to the place where my husband"s body was burned so that I can gather up the dust and give his remains a decent burial."
She paused, then continued. "My husband and son were my only family. I want secondly, therefore, for Mr. Van der Broek to become my son. I would like for him to come twice a month to the ghetto and spend a day with me so that I can pour out on him whatever love I still have remaining in me." She also stated that she wanted a third thing, "This is also the wish of my husband. And so, I would kindly ask someone to come to my side and lead me across the courtroom so that I can take Mr. Van der Broek in my arms and embrace him and let him know that he is truly forgiven." As the court a.s.sistants came to lead the elderly woman across the room, Mr. Van der Broek, overwhelmed by what he had just heard, fainted. As he did, those in the courtroom, family, friends, neighboursa"all victims of decades of oppression and injusticea"began to sing, softly but a.s.suredly, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me."1 Although it appears that the elderly woman who had endured such a painful loss was doing Mr. Van der Broek a huge favora"and indeed she wasa"she actually was doing more for herself than for him. Because of her actions, her past had no authority over her future. She was not allowing the pain of the past to poison her att.i.tude. Her att.i.tude gave G.o.d glory.
G.o.d is not glorified by our suffering, but He is glorified when we have a good att.i.tude during suffering. I am sure the woman had to discipline her feelings. She had to make a choice that was not easy, but the reward was worth it. She made a right decision while she was still hurting, and that decision contributed to putting an end to her pain. As long as we stay angry, we keep our pain. When we begin to pray for and bless those who have hurt us, the pain is swallowed up in love. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
As long as we stay angry, we keep our pain.
DISCIPLINE IS REQUIRED.
The Bible says no discipline for the present seems joyous; nevertheless, later on it will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it (See Hebrews 12:11). Righteousness, or doing what is right, is a fruit that yields peace in our lives. Nothing feels better than simply knowing we did what was right. To me, nothing is worse than a guilty conscience.
When confronted with pain, there are only three choices: (1) press past the pain now, (2) press past the pain later, or (3) keep the pain forever.
The Bible says discipline is sometimes painful. The very thought of the word discipline means we will have to choose to do something we don"t really feel like doing. If we feel like doing something, discipline is not required or needed.
I don"t have to discipline myself to shop for new clothes because I like to do it. However, I know a woman who hates shopping, and she waits until everything she has to wear is seriously outdated or totally worn out before she will go shopping. She has to discipline herself to shop because she does not have feelings supporting her. My feelings support me greatly; therefore, I need no discipline to shop. I must discipline myself not to shop at times!
My husband, Dave, loves to exercise. He has been exercising since he was sixteen years old. I hate exercise. My motto is "No pain! No pain!" I like the benefit of exercise, but I don"t like to do it. I don"t feel like exercising, so I have to press past the pain in order to do it. Exercise for me requires discipline.
We must press past the emotional pain of a lack of desire to do things we don"t enjoy. In the same way, we must also press past the emotional pain of abuse, rejection, disapproval, betrayal, judgment, and criticism in order to be set free from them.
Don"t allow your past to ruin your future. Why should you remain bitter, angry, and wounded while those who hurt you are out having a good time, not even knowing or caring that you are hurting?
G.o.d shows us in His Word how we can be free, but we still have to make choices that may not always be easy or even seem fair.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
The Bible reminds us in 1 Peter 5:9 that we are to stand firm in faith against the attacks of the devil, knowing that the same identical sufferings are appointed to our brothers and sisters throughout the world.
We all get hurt at times, and we all have the same opportunity either to let it make us bitter or to let it make us better. How can injustices make us better? For one thing, they help us develop character. Doing what is right when we don"t have feelings supporting us builds strong character in us. Intelligence and talents are G.o.d"s gifts, but character is developed. Many people have gifts that can take them to high places, but they don"t have the character to keep them there once they arrive.
Not only does everyone get hurt, we all get hurt again and again. That may not sound very encouraging, but it is true. I can recall an occasion in which G.o.d was really dealing with me about trusting my husband and his decisions more than I had done in the past. Dave loves me and would never hurt me on purpose, but he is also human and therefore fallible. So I said to G.o.d, "What if he hurts me?" The Lord replied, "He probably will from time to time, but I am your Healer. I live inside of you, and I am always available to heal your wounds."
Intelligence and talents are G.o.d"s gifts, but character is developed.
We spend so much time trying not to get hurt that we cannot develop good relationships with people. We should not spend all of our time trying to protect ourselves. We should be willing to give ourselves away, and lay down our lives for others (See John 15:13).
We may look at other people and think they never have to go through anything difficult, but we all go through different things. Some people have gone through devastating things that n.o.body knows anything about. They go to G.o.d"s throne with their problems instead of the phone. Some people have learned the art of suffering silently. They know only G.o.d can help them, so they don"t bother telling everyone they meet what they are going through.
It is not wrong to share our troubles with a friend or counselor, but the point is that we cannot a.s.sume others are not having challenges in life just because they don"t look depressed or don"t talk about their problems.
My husband rarely ever talks about anything he is going through. There have been times when I have had a virus of some sort and told Dave I was feeling bad, aching all over, nauseated, et cetera. When I did that, he sometimes replied, "I had that three weeks ago. I felt really bad for seven days." I asked him why he didn"t tell me he was sick, to which he replied, "Why should I tell you how bad I feel? You can"t do anything for me."
Some of us are talkers, and some are not. Don"t make the mistake of thinking people have no pain just because they have not told you about it. I believe it is important for us not to think we are the only ones hurting. Peter reminded the people to whom he was writing to resist the devil, knowing everybody was going through the same kind of things they were (See 1 Peter 5:8-9). Remembering this truth keeps us from feeling alone and isolated in our own pain. It helps me when I am hurting to remember that somewhere, someone is hurting much worse than I am and I should be grateful I don"t have worse problems than I do. I am not alone, and with G.o.d"s help I will make it through my difficulty. This too shall pa.s.s!
It is important for us not to think we are the only ones hurting.
THE PROMISE OF REWARD.
The promise of reward helps us press past the pain of obedience: Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs.
For I the Lord love justice. (Isaiah 61:7-8) And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eatena"the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you.
And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your G.o.d, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.
(Joel 2:25-26) These are two of many wonderful promises in the Bible. G.o.d is "the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him" (Hebrews 11:6). If we are to be diligent, then we must do what is right when we feel like it and when we don"t. The Word of G.o.d shares many accounts of men and women who received difficult instructions from the Lord with the promise of reward if they chose to obey.
Esther was asked to do a difficult thing and promised the reward of saving a nation if she would do it (See the book of Esther). Abraham was instructed to leave home and family and go to a place that G.o.d would later show him. G.o.d told him that his reward would be exceedingly great (See Genesis 12:1-4; 15:1). Joseph was given a dream of being a great ruler, but he had to press past the pain of being rejected and hated by his brothers. He endured thirteen years in prison for a crime he did not commit and kept a good att.i.tude all the while. Even in prison Joseph continued to help other people. He did eventually get his promised reward. He was given a position in Egypt that was second only to Pharaoh himself. During a famine he was able to use his influence to save many people, as well as his family who had hurt him. Joseph had an excellent att.i.tude, and G.o.d rewarded him for it (See Genesis 37-50).
Viktor Frankl made the following statement: We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedomsa"to choose one"s att.i.tude in any given set of circ.u.mstances.
There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the bright side of things, so why not try it?
There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the bright side of things, so why not try it? Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don"t have to sit on it.
Doing the right thinga"letting go of the emotional paina" when we are getting immediate results is not very challenging, but continuing to do so when it seems that nothing right is happening to us is very challenging indeed. All of these people I just mentioned had to endure in order to receive their promised reward.
THE PAIN OF DISAPPROVAL.
All those who are addicted to approval feel emotional and mental pain when they experience disapproval. In order to break free from approval addiction they must press past the pain they feel when they experience disapproval. Approval addicts attempt to avoid or relieve the pain of disapproval by doing whatever people want them to do. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
A young woman I knowa"I"ll call her Jennya"is addicted to approval. Her mother has always been very difficult to please, and Jenny has felt the pain of rejection many times in her life. Like any child, she wants her mother"s approval, which is a very normal desire.
Jenny has fallen into the trap of "people-pleasing" in her relationship with her mother, who is a very controlling individual. Her mother expects Jenny to drop whatever she may be doing in order to cater to her every whim. She becomes angry if Jenny has already made plans and is unable to take her places or help her with projects.
Jenny"s mother is quite unreasonable, but Jenny"s approval addiction not only keeps her miserable, it also feeds her mother"s addiction to control.
In order to have freedom and be able to enjoy her life and her mother, Jenny will have to choose to do what she knows is right for her, even if it means that her mother will disapprove. She must be willing to endure the pain of rejection. Every time she relieves her pain by giving in to her mother, she feeds her addiction as well as her mother"s.
You can starve an addiction to death by simply not feeding it. Don"t fight with addictions, but instead refuse to feed them.
The decision not to give in will be hard for Jenny emotionally, because she has always caved in and let her mother have her way. It won"t be easy for Jenny"s mother either, because she is addicted to getting what she wants. She needs to be in control in order to feel good about herself.
Don"t fight with addictions, but instead refuse to feed them.
Do you see the trap Satan sets for people? Jenny needs approval, and her mother needs control. Jenny"s mother"s problem controls Jenny, and Jenny"s problem feeds her mother"s. Each time Jenny says no and sticks with her decision, the pain and discomfort she experiences will lessen. It might be compared to a diet. If a person indulges himself and overeats for a long period of time, his capacity for food is increased. Should he decide to cut down on his eating, he will feel the pain of hunger the first few days he decreases his food intake. However, each day that goes by in which he sticks to his decision to eat less, he will feel less discomfort until eventually he will be able to eat less and not feel uncomfortable at all.
The same principle applies to any area of life that needs to be disciplined. Anything we are accustomed to having, we want. If we don"t get it, we feel discomfort until we get used to doing without it.
Jenny will have to endure some difficulty for a period of time. At times her difficulty will seem to be more than she can stand, but if she refuses to go back to being controlled by her mother, eventually she will be free, and Jenny and her mother hopefully will be able to begin developing a new and healthy relationship. If Jenny and her mother are both willing, they can indeed start afresh.
BREAKING THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION.
I want to encourage you to replace one addiction with another one. You are probably thinking, "What sense does that make?" Actually, I want you to replace all addictions with one other addiction. I want you to become addicted to Jesus! You should need Him more than you need anything else.
I mentioned that for Jenny there might be times when she will feel that her pain and discomfort are more than she can stand. What is she to do during those times? She needs to run quickly to the Lorda"to His Word and promises. If she will study select portions of Scripture that strengthen and encourage her, she will be enabled to do the right thing.
G.o.d"s Word has inherent power in it. When we release our faith in His Word, that power is released into our lives and situations to help us.
Jenny should also pray during these times. She should pray specifically for strength not to give in to her mother"s demands but rather to stand firm in the will of G.o.d. She should not only pray during these times, she should also pray ahead of time in these areas.
Prayer releases power into our lives.
I have learned to pray regularly in areas that I know to be weaknesses for me. Too often we wait until we are in the midst of a temptation and find the pressure of it to be more than we can resist. Jesus said that we are to pray that we come not into temptation (Luke 22:40). We will be tempted, but if we pray regularly and prior to the times of temptation as well as in them, we will find ourselves enjoying more victory. Prayer releases power into our lives.
Determination and discipline are important in breaking the cycle of addictions, but receiving supernatural strength from G.o.d is the real key to success. Learn to run to Him instead of running to the substance or wrong behavior to which you are addicted.
I have spent so many years seeking G.o.d every morning that now I just don"t feel right unless I have my daily time with Him. I actually get grouchy and act impatiently throughout the day if I don"t feed on His Word and spend time in His presence. In the 1970s when I began developing a habit of spending daily time with G.o.d, it was hard to do. Other things always came up. I could not concentrate. I even got bored. But, after years of giving G.o.d a place of priority in my time, I am addicted to it.
Now I am uncomfortable if I don"t have it.
Every unhealthy addiction can be broken in your life. You can live a balanced, joy-filled, peaceful life if you will lean on G.o.d in everything and for everything. He is your Strength. You cannot defeat your "Goliaths" without His help. When David went against the giant Goliath he knew he had to go in the name of the Lord. He told Goliath, "This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand" (1 Samuel 17:46). David knew he could not deliver himself, so he put his trust in G.o.d. That is what you must do, especially when faced with the giant of your addiction.
SET YOUR MIND AND KEEP IT SET.
The Bible says we are to set our minds, and keep them set, on things above, not on things on the earth (See Colossians 3:2). Having been addicted to approval, I know how difficult it is not to think about it when we feel someone is not pleased with us. Thoughts of that person"s anger and rejection seem to fill our every waking moment.
Instead of trying not to think wrong thoughts, choose right ones. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Meditate on G.o.d"s Word and His will for you. Then wrong thoughts will find no place of entry.
We have all had the experience of being terribly worried about something, of having our minds rotating around and around a problem endlessly. If we get involved in something else that interests us, we stop worrying for a period of time. When it is quiet and we are alone, or when we have nothing else to do, we begin to worry again. I have found that one of the best allies against wrong thinking is to stay busy doing something for someone else. I don"t have time to think about "me" when I am occupied with someone else"s need. In this way I set my mind on what is above, not on earthly things. I set my mind on G.o.d"s instruction to me to walk in love (See Ephesians 5:2).
We must be armed with right thinking, or we will give up during hard times.