So, since Christ suffered in the flesh for us, for you, arm yourselves with the same thought and purpose [patiently to suffer rather than fail to please G.o.d]. For whoever has suffered in the flesh [having the mind of Christ] is done with [intentional] sin [has stopped pleasing himself and the world, and pleases G.o.d]. (1 Peter 4:1) Realize (set your mind) and be fully aware that moving from being a victim to being a victor will not be a quick process. It will take time, but the investment will be worth it in the end. Remember, you can either go through the pain of deliverance that is temporary, or keep the pain of bondage that never ends unless it is confronted.
DO IT AFRAID.
Fear is involved in approval addiction: the fear of rejection, abandonment, being alone, and of what people will think or say about us. Fear is not from G.o.d: For G.o.d did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7) Fear means to run away from something. G.o.d does not want us to run from things. He wants us to confront things, knowing that He has promised to be with us, never to leave us nor forsake us (See Hebrews 13:5).
There are times in life when we must do things afraid. In other words, we must do what we know we should do even though we feel fear. Fear is a spirit that produces feelings and creates physiological changes. Fear can make the heart beat faster and harder. It can cause sweating, shaking, irrational thinking, and other physical manifestations. The Bible never tells us that we are not to feel any of those things connected with fear; it simply tells us not to fear. When G.o.d said to people "fear not," He meant for them to keep going forward, taking steps of obedience to carry out His instructions to them. He was in essence telling them, "This is not going to be easy, but don"t run away from it." Mark Twain said, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." In other words, there are too many people praying for mountains of difficulty to be removed when what they really need to be praying for is the courage to climb them. Courage is being the only one who knows you are afraid.
Running from hard things is one of our biggest problems. We try to avoid the pain and discomfort of fear. Fear has torment (See 1 John 4:18 KJV), and it is a painful thing. We must press past the pain and do what fear demands that we run from. As French author Michel de Montaigne once said, "He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears."
Approval addicts are afraid of the pain of rejection. They will spend their lives keeping other people happy and fixed while forfeiting their own joy unless they make a decision to break the cycle of addiction. They will have to "do it afraid." They will have to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and their own heart rather than following the will and desires of other people.
When I became aware of this principle that I call "Do it afraid," it was life changing for me. I always wanted the feelings of fear to go away, but my desire was unrealistic.
Satan regularly uses fear to prevent us from making progress. He will not stop attacking us with feelings of fear, but we can "fear not." We can "do it afraid." The only way out is through!
The time came in my journey of healing for me to confront my father about the years of abuse I had endured at his hands. I was so afraid I felt as if I might actually faint or my legs might buckle underneath me, but I knew I had to be obedient to G.o.d"s instruction to confront. n.o.body had ever confronted the abuse in our family. We had all just pretended that we were a normal, well-adjusted, loving family. n.o.body ever talked about it; we just hid from the truth, and it was destroying all of us.
We can "do it afraid." The only way out is through!
Feelings buried alive never die; they just eat away at our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. They also have a devastating effect on the development of healthy relationships. We may hide painful memories, but they are still somewhere doing their dirty work.
As I stood in front of my father and began trying to talk to him about what he had done to me in my childhood, the fear I felt was absolutely horrible. He began reacting in anger and denial. He even started blaming me. At the same time my mother was yelling, crying, and having a major anxiety attack.
I thank G.o.d that He gave me the strength to press on rather than run away and hide again. Many years have pa.s.sed since that day, but it opened the door for true healing. It was a process that involved many stages. The final stage was my father"s salvation. He caused me a lot of pain in my life, but I had the joy of baptizing him after leading him into a personal relationship with Christ. If I had not "done it afraid" when G.o.d instructed me to confront him, we would still be where we were then. We cannot make progress without confrontation.
I knew a man who was having major chest pains. He was afraid that if he went to the doctor he would find out he had heart trouble, so he ignored the pain, hoping it would go away. He died a short time later! The thing he feared came upon him.
G.o.d"s Word tells us that we can have what we believe (See Mark 11:22-24), but we can also have what we fear.
THE PAIN OF LONELINESS.
The pain of rejection is connected to the pain of being lonely. Loneliness is one of the biggest problems in people"s lives today. It is the root cause of many suicides as well as a great deal of personal agony.
Being with people does not guarantee we will not be lonely. We can be with people and still feel lonely because we feel we are misunderstood, that we are not making a connection with those around us. We may be inside a room with people, but we can still feel outside the group.
We must press past the pain of being lonely and feeling misunderstood. We must trust G.o.d for right relationships and not make emotional decisions that only end up making our problem worse. The fear of being lonely can turn us into people-pleasers, and we can end up with no life of our own, bitter and feeling all used up by other people.
Being alone does not const.i.tute being lonely. If you know who you are in Christ, and you like yourself, you can enjoy being alone. I like to spend time with myself because I like myself. Some people have been critical of me for saying, "I like myself." They think I am full of pride. That is not the case at all. I don"t like myself because I think I am wonderful. I like myself because Jesus loves me, and He is wonderful! I like myself because I made a decision to do so, not because I always feel likeable or lovable. As we discussed in chapter 5, I finally decided if Jesus loved me enough to die for me, the very least I could do was stop hating and rejecting myself.
It is not a lack of people that causes loneliness.
When I made this decision, I started enjoying my time alone. Prior to that decision, it seemed I felt lonely no matter how many people I was with. I think loneliness is a result of not liking ourselves more than it is of not having people around us.
Any of us who want to be with people can be. All we have to do is go find others who need help and help them.
Hurting people are everywhere. All of us can find someone to do something for, if we really want to. It is not a lack of people that causes loneliness; it is our fears about ourselves as well as our fear of disapproval and rejection.
We frequently spend more time trying to avoid rejection than we do trying to build good relationships. We may be so afraid of being hurt that we keep all of our walls up in an effort to protect ourselves and avoid emotional pain.
Some people isolate themselves. They think they cannot get hurt if they don"t get involved, but the result is that they are lonely. Many people are afraid to trust. They are afraid to be honest and vulnerable, afraid that people will judge and criticize them or tell their secrets if they share anything of a private or personal nature. All of these fears and concerns only add to the feelings of loneliness that many people experience. In fact, these fears are the root cause of loneliness.
As human beings, we have a deep need to be understood. When we don"t receive it, we feel lonely. In listening to people share their hurt and pain, I find that the words "I understand" have a very soothing effect. I have told my husband, "Even if you don"t have a clue about what I am talking about, just tell me you understand, and it will make me feel a lot better." A man could not possibly understand PMS, but it is better for him if he appears to have understanding of his wife"s plight. She needs to be understood. She does not want to feel alone in her pain and struggle.
As human beings, we have a deep need to be understood.
One day my husband came in from trying to play golf. He had not had a good experience because his leg was hurting and swollen. He was not too happy about it. His golf game is really important to him, so I said, "I understand how you feel." I offered him whatever help I could give physically, but my understanding seemed to help more than anything.
There have been times in the past when my att.i.tude has been, "What"s the big deal? It"s only one round of golf. After all, you play all the time." That att.i.tude has started arguments and driven a wedge between us. He wants me to understand his needs, and I want him to understand mine.
One of my favorite Scriptures in the Bible is Hebrews 4:15, which teaches that Jesus is a High Priest Who understands our weaknesses and infirmities because He has been tempted in every respect just as we have, yet He never sinned. Just knowing that Jesus understands makes me feel closer to Him. It helps me be vulnerable and trust Him. It helps me feel connected rather than lonely.
Press past your pain to victory. Be determined! Stop just wishing things were different and do your part to make them different. There are two types of people in the world: those who wait for something to happen, and those who make something happen. We cannot do anything apart from G.o.d, but we can decide to cooperate with Him. We can face the truth. We can stop feeding our addictions and endure the pain of letting them die from lack of nourishment.
It is time for a change! Get excited about your future and realize that when you are going through something, the good news is "you"re going through," and that means ultimately you will come out on the other side with a victory that cannot be taken away from you. Your experience will make you stronger and enable you to help others who are facing similar battles.
Now let"s take a look at what it means to let go of any shame in our past that feeds our approval addiction.
Chapter 8.
Pressing Past Guilt And Shame
At the age of thirty-three, Christine Caine suddenly discovered she had been adopted. It was quite shocking to her because she had absolutely no inkling of it. Nothing had ever been said in her family that would even remotely indicate she had been adopted.
When she received paperwork from the government regarding the adoption, she found some terminology that wounded her emotionally. She found that she had been "unnamed." A letter actually said she was "unwanted." Her birth mother did not want her and did not name her. At the same time, she was trying to minister to youth, and the university where she applied for further study said she was "unqualified."
Many people who suddenly discovered that they were adopted, unnamed, unwanted, and unqualified for a position they desired would have been devastated and felt guilt and shame, but not Christine. She had been taught G.o.d"s Word and knew who she was in Christ. She said, "Before G.o.d formed me in my mother"s womb (whose ever womb that was) He knew me and approved of me as His chosen instrument" (See Jeremiah 1:5). She made a decision to press past her feelings and live in what she knew to be the truth based on G.o.d"s Word. She has gone on to become a popular evangelist with a growing worldwide ministry.
Christine could have made another decision. She could have decided to go with the flow of her feelings, which would have pulled her down. She could have felt all the things those words described: unwanted, unqualified, unloved! She could have felt ashamed that her birth mother actually said she did not want her. She could have spent her entire life addicted to approval and living to please people simply because her birth mother had rejected her. She could have felt guilty, as most people do who don"t receive affirmation from the people who are supposed to love them. Thank G.o.d she decided to press past all the negative feelings and believe G.o.d"s promises. In the Bible, the psalmist says, "Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]" (Psalm 27:10).
It is easy to sit in church and say amen when a teacher or preacher shares that we should remain confident in all situations. It is another thing entirely to apply the message when we have a need in our own life. It is easy to agree with the message if we have no feelings that are pushing us to do the wrong thing. To apply G.o.d"s Word, we must go beyond our feelings and take action based on the truth of His Word.
Merely knowing what to do does no good if we don"t do it!
Christine had spent years in church. She knew a great deal of the Bible and was teaching it to others. She made a decision to apply it to her situation. Once when I was having a serious problem I asked G.o.d what I should do, and He told me to do whatever I would tell someone else who came to me for help and had the same problem I now had. Merely knowing what to do does no good if we don"t do it!
Christine acted on the Word of G.o.d and was rescued from what could have been devastating news. Her adopted parents had not been truthful with her. She made a decision to be understanding, believe the best, and not resent them for not telling her she was adopted. She found her birth mother and discovered that she lived in her neighborhood only a few blocks from where Christine had lived most of her life. She tried to make contact with her and was told her birth mother wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. This was a major testing time in Christine"s life. All she had learned was being put to the test, and she found that G.o.d was faithful.
Christine received strength from the Holy Spirit and was able to remain confident. She knew she had worth and value because G.o.d loved her. Perhaps she had been unnamed by her mother, but G.o.d says in His Word, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives]; I have called you by your name; you are Mine" (Isaiah 43:1, italics mine).
People are much more impressed by our actions than by our words.
G.o.d had a plan for Christine. She was not a mistake; she had been chosen by Him. His anointing qualified her for whatever He called her to do. Because she believed G.o.d"s Word, the devil was defeated in his plan of destruction.
He had hoped that the news of her past would devastate her and create in her an uncontrolled need for acceptance and approval, but it actually strengthened her and others with whom she has shared her story.1 People are much more impressed by our actions than by our words. Christine proved by her actions that she really believed what she taught. Her stability in her time of trial continues to encourage others that they need not be defeated by disappointments and what the world would call "bad news." The gospel of Jesus Christ is good news. It is so good that it will overcome all the bad news anyone might ever hear.
SHAME AND BLAME.
Because my father s.e.xually abused me, I felt shame, which I internalized. At some point I made an unhealthy transition in my thinking. I was no longer ashamed of what he had done to me; instead, I became ashamed of myself because of it. I took the blame on myself and felt there must be something wrong with me if my own father wanted to do those things to me that I knew were very wrong and unnatural. For years I had a message playing over and over in my mind that said, "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?" That was one reason I was so excited to learn that I am the righteousness of G.o.d in Christ (See 2 Corinthians 5:21).
For almost forty years I felt wrong, and now I finally feel right. It is G.o.d"s will that we feel right about ourselves, not wrong.
My life was literally poisoned with shame. To be shamed can in some cases be defined as being confused, disappointed, or confounded. Confounded can mean defeated, overthrown, or d.a.m.ned. To be d.a.m.ned of course means to be doomed to punishment. Therefore, if people have a shame-based nature, the result is they are doomed to punishment. The bad feelings they have about themselves act as a punishment in itself. When we live every day of our lives not liking ourselves, we are being punished, even if we are the ones doing the punishing.
Like Christine, I was eventually able to learn G.o.d"s Word and apply it to my situation. But, until I did so, I was miserable. I walked away from my situation when I was eighteen years old, thinking it was all over and done with. As I mentioned previously, I did not realize until later that even though I walked away from the situation that had caused the problem, I still had the problem in my soul.
The important thing in life is what goes on in us: our thoughts, imaginations, att.i.tudes, and inner feelings. The things in us eventually come out one way or another. We may think we have them hidden away where n.o.body can ever find them, but that is not true.
I was seeing the results of my childhood abuse every day; I just did not know that was what I was seeing. I blamed a lot of my problems on other people and situations. I ran from my problems when I was eighteen, and through blame I had discovered a new way to keep running from them.
THE BLAME GAME.
Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. (Romans 12:21) Blaming others for our own unhappiness only helps us avoid dealing with the real problem. Author Dr. Wayne Dyer said: All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won"t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.2 I have finally realized that n.o.body is responsible for my personal happiness. I tried to make my husband responsible, blaming him every time I did not feel happy.
I blamed circ.u.mstances, my father and mother, the devil, and even G.o.d. The result was that I remained unhappy.
As British author Douglas Adams once said, "When you blame others you give up your power to change." If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn"t sit for a month. Start taking responsibility for your actions and reactions, and you will start to change.
Through blaming I was avoiding dealing with the real issues that needed to be confronted in my life. I had an infection inside mea"not an infection in my physical body, but one in my soul. It was spreading and affecting more and more of my thoughts, att.i.tudes, conversations, and decisions. It was actually affecting my entire outlook on life.
It was time to stop running. As a Christian, I talked about "the promised land," but I lived in the "wilderness." I was like the Israelites of old who traveled around and around in the desert with Moses. They spent forty years attempting to complete a journey that should have taken eleven days (See Deuteronomy 1:2). Why? Among other things they always blamed Moses and G.o.d for their difficulties. They never took responsibility for their actions. Everything that went wrong was someone else"s fault. They never accepted their own guilt.
I had been abused, and that was not my fault. It was true that I had some problems that were a direct result of the abuse I had suffered; but what I needed was to stop using it as an excuse not to change. Blame keeps us trapped in our problems. We can feel bitter, but we never get any better. I was occupied with thoughts of what people had done to me when I should have been busy praying about what I could do for them or others. G.o.d"s Word says that we are to overcome evil with good.
Hurting people hurt people. Someone had hurt my father, and he hurt me; blaming him would not change that fact. He was responsible, but that was between him and G.o.d to work out. It was not my job to try to make him pay for his mistakes.
Blaming others is a sick game the devil plays with our thoughts and emotions. But if we join in and play the game, only the devil winsa"we never win! If we get close to facing any issue, he tries to show us someone or something else we can blame. He wants to divert our attention and momentarily take pressure off of us by giving us yet another reason why nothing is our fault. Don"t play his game!
People with a shame-based nature like to place blame. It diverts their attention from the way they feel about themselves for a period of time. The shame of the past is painful and hard to look at. But, hiding from the truth does not mean that it does not exist. It does, in fact, exist and will continue to cause problems until it is confronted and dealt with. Get a grip and face reality; it will be the beginning of the end of your problems.
Hurting people hurt people.
I resented the fact that my childhood had been stolen. I never had the privilege of just being a child with no worries. I could not ever remember feeling safe and secure. Resentment and blame would not give me back my childhood. The only answer was to face facts and trust G.o.d to give me a double blessing for my former trouble (See Isaiah 61:7). I could not get my childhood back. I would never get to sit on my dad"s lap and feel safe, but G.o.d could do something even better for me if I would let go of the past and trust Him.
When we stop blaming, G.o.d can go to work. He is an expert at fixing what Satan has tried to destroy. He can actually make us better than we ever would have been had we never been hurt at all.
SHAME AND DEPRESSION.
Very often a person with a shame-based nature experiences depression. It is impossible for anyone to feel happy if he doesn"t like who he is, or if he feels ashamed of himself. There is medicine that may possibly help the symptoms of depression, but no medicine from a drugstore can heal a person from shame. Only the medicine of G.o.d"s Word can do that. G.o.d"s Word healed me, and it will do the same thing for you, if you apply it diligently.
Applying G.o.d"s Word means reading and studying it and stepping out on it. Stepping out on the Word of G.o.d means doing what G.o.d has instructed us to do in His Word rather than what we think, want, or feel. We follow G.o.d"s ways, not the world"s. We apply His Word to our situations and watch it work as He has promised. Reading the Bible and not applying it to our lives would be like getting medicine from a drugstore and not taking it. We might know about the medicine, but unless we took it, we would never know if it worked or not. We would remain sick even though the medicine we needed was in our possession. Don"t just study the Word of G.o.da"do it (See James 1:22)!
Although I felt ashamed of my past, I made a decision that I had no reason to be ashamed. I was a child, and I could not have prevented what happened to me. It was not my fault. I had to say that over and over. I had carried a false sense of responsibility for years and felt I was to blame, but I chose to believe G.o.d"s Word above my feelings. In so doing, I was pressing past guilt and shame.
I had to have my mind renewed (See Romans 12:2). I learned to think about my life and myself in an entirely new way.
You and I can feel something and yet know in our heart that what we feel is incorrect. Feelings cannot be trusted to tell the truth. They are fickle. They change frequently. When things get difficult in life, I may feel like giving up, yet I know and declare I will not. There are times when I feel lonely and unloved, yet I know the way I feel is incorrect. I recognize my feelings are trying to rule me, and I refuse to give them that privilege. When I realized I had felt ashamed for years, but in reality I had nothing to be ashamed of, that truth started setting me free from a life of emotional pain, insecurity, fear, and guilt.
Feelings cannot be trusted to tell the truth.
ADDICTED TO GUILT.
I had felt guilty most of my life about one thing or another. I learned that I was a "guilt addict." I just didn"t feel right if I didn"t feel wrong. I am sure you have felt that way in the past and may be feeling that way right now.
In my conferences, when I ask for a show of hands of those who are experiencing feelings of guilt, most of the time an overwhelming number of people raise their hands. In the Bible, Satan is called "the accuser of our brethren" (Revelation 12:10). He tries to make us feel guilty and condemned. When we do, it is not G.o.d Who is making us feel that way. He wants us to feel loved and forgiven. Guilt depresses us and makes us feel as if we are under a burden. Jesus came to lift us up, to bring the good news that our sins are forgiven and the penalty for them is removed: There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit. (Romans 8:1 KJV) Who shall bring any charge against G.o.d"s elect [when it is] G.o.d Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom G.o.d has chosen? Will G.o.d, Who acquits us?]
Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of G.o.d actually pleading as He intercedes for us? (Romans 8:33-34) Thousands of people are doomed to failure in relationships as well as many other areas simply because they are shame-based, guilt-ridden individuals. Even if they have not done anything wrong, they imagine they have. More than likely they are approval addicts, people who have no peace unless they feel everyone approves of them all the time. They cannot enjoy life because even enjoyment makes them feel guilty.
They look to others to give them what only G.o.d can give, which is a sense of self-worth. They are addicted to approval. They need a fresh "fix" of compliments, nods, and glances of approval just to get through the day. They place impossible demands on others because n.o.body can make them feel good about themselves if they are poisoned inside with guilt and shame.
People who are in relationship with approval addicts feel manipulated instead of loved because the main focus of approval addicts is on feeling good about themselves. Everything centers on them, and soon the other parties in their relationships feel used. These wounded individuals are usually easily offended and touchy. Everyone must walk on eggsh.e.l.ls when around them. They cannot be confronted or corrected simply because they already feel so bad about themselves that they cannot handle anyone even mentioning a fault in them or an area about their personality that needs improvement.
Ask yourself how you react to correction or criticism. Try to be honest in your evaluation. Confident people who have validated themselves as valuable can receive correction without anger or a defensive att.i.tude. G.o.d says only a fool hates correction (See Proverbs 15:5). Why is that? Because he should be wise enough to want to learn everything he can about himself. Confident people can listen objectively to another point of view; they can pray about what is said and either receive or reject it according to what G.o.d places in their heart.
People who are in relationship with approval addicts feel manipulated.
During the years I was filled with shame and guilt, I could not receive even a tiny word of correction from my husband. If he said anything that even remotely suggested he felt I needed to change in any way, I became emotionally upset, angry, and defensive. Dave would repeatedly say, "I am only trying to help you." But I could not get past how I felt when I was given his or anyone else"s help. If I asked him whether he liked an outfit I was wearing, I would get defensive if he said no. I could not even allow him to give me his honest opinion. If his opinion did not agree with mine, I felt rejected.
I am grateful that those days are over. Everyone does not have to like what I like in order for me to feel secure. It is absolutely wonderful to be able to approve of ourselves, because we believe G.o.d approves of us, even though others do not. It is good to be humble enough to receive correction, yet confident enough not to let the opinions of others control us. Thank G.o.d His Holy Spirit is in us, and He will show us what is right for us as individuals.
EXCESSIVE INTROSPECTION.
I know all about how shame-based, guilt-ridden people think, feel, and act, because I was one.
One of the problems with shame is that it creates a type of reverse self-centeredness. Shame-based people think about themselves most of the time; even though they are concentrating on what is wrong with them, their mind is still on themselves. They can easily become excessive in self-examination. Although the Bible does teach us to examine ourselves in order to avoid judgment from G.o.d (See 1 Corinthians 11:28; 2 Corinthians 13:5), we can become excessive in this area.
Shame-based people think about themselves most of the time.
We are instructed in G.o.d"s Word to look away from all that will distract us unto Jesus, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith (See Hebrews 12:2). Stop looking at everything that is wrong with you, and start looking at what is right with Jesus. Learn to identify with Him. Realize He is your Subst.i.tute. He took your place and paid the debt you owed. He has opened the prison of guilt, and you can walk out and be free. In order to do so, you will have to press past the pain of guilt and shame you may feel.
The truth makes us free when we apply it to our lives. G.o.d"s Word is truth (See John 17:17). It tells us that we can live without reproach. We can be presented blameless in His sight: Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love. (Ephesians 1:4) Be open to anything the Holy Spirit wants to reveal to you about yourself whether that revelation comes through another person, a book you are reading, a sermon you hear, or directly from G.o.d Himself. But don"t go on a "digging expedition." We don"t have to try to "figure ourselves out." The Holy Spirit guides us into all truth (See John 16:13). It is a progressive work, so be patient and let G.o.d take the lead.
Enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going.
Ask the Lord to deliver you from every bondage in your life, and let Him choose the timing and method. In the meantime, go ahead and enjoy your life and yourself. Enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going. You may not be where you need to be, but, thank G.o.d, you are not where you used to be. You are making progress!