Some women said that as their family grew, their husbands fi nally fi nally "got it."
"When we had the second I was amazed at how my husband helped me out. I feel like with the first one he gave fi fty percent, but then with the second he gave ninety percent. His commitment and involvement really went up with the second kid."
-Marilyn, married 11 years, 4 kids Others didn"t so much "get it" as they had "it" thrust upon them.
"It wasn"t like Tom just saw the second kid and said, "By golly, I"d better roll up my sleeves around here." I think it was when I started bouncing checks that he realized I had too many b.a.l.l.s in the air."
-Joanne, married 6 years, 2 kids Will the Penny Ever Ever Drop? Drop?
Other women complained that their husbands still don"t get it, and never will.
"For the first year after the second kid, my husband just lay on the couch and went into a funk. He constantly complained about how busy we were and how tired we were. We We? I repeat, he lay on the couch and went into a funk. He didn"t do jack squat."
-Cheryl, married 12 years, 2 kids "My husband actually said the following: "Why don"t you appreciate the fact that I try to make your life easier? Don"t you appreciate that I make the money so you can buy nice things and stay at home with the kids? You don"t have to work." Believe me, he didn"t get laid for about a month."
-Rebecca, married 11 years, 3 kids 220.
Yes, our husbands "got it," but, of course, there was still lots of room for improvement. At the top of the list of annoying husband behaviors were their increasingly dramatic bids for freedom.
The Great Escapees Even as our husbands ratcheted up their partic.i.p.ation on the home front with each additional child, they also stepped up their escape attempts, becoming increasingly extreme in their desperation to fly the coop.
Think Steve McQueen in The Great Escape The Great Escape trying to leap the fence into Switzerland on his motorbike. trying to leap the fence into Switzerland on his motorbike.
Only in talking about this section did we realize that each of our own husbands had drastically stepped up a hobby or declared a lifelong time-consuming pa.s.sion we never knew they had: * Mike took up fi shing during the last months of Cathy"s second pregnancy. (Apparently, it is not possible to fish for less than five hours at a stretch.) * Gordon announced that he intended to enter an amateur cycling event in the Alps, coincidental to the birth of Julia"s second. (He"d always been a cyclist, but suddenly, that Alpine climb became an imperative).
* Ross trained every morning for months and ran a marathon during Stacie"s second pregnancy.
And we"re not the only ones: "A few weeks after we had our third child, my husband told me that he was going to start campaigning for John Kerry, manning phone centers and registering voters. I thought he had totally lost it. I was like, "Who needs you more? Me or John Kerry?" "
-Maggie, married 7 years, 3 kids When women face the challenge of losing their free time, they say, "Something"s gotta give." When men confront it, they say, "There"s got to be a way out of here." We"re scaling back while you"re adding turbo-charged Iron Man activities to your schedule. Is that really fair?
[image]
Ramping Up and Giving In 221.
The Great Escapees What"s understandable to a woman: missing your freedom and a perfectly reasonable desire to hit certain milestones before you turn forty.
We can relate. When you step up to the plate as the Famn Damily gets bigger, we truly are motivated to make sure you get let off the leash as often as possible. What"s incomprehensible to a woman is when you pro-pose a weekly solo activity that takes you away for hours at a time. That makes it very hard for us to be magnanimous and say, "Go have fun."
What Am I? The Warden?
There"s another little problem with these escape attempts: we end up playing the warden. We don"t always want to be the bad guy. We get annoyed when you say things like, "John"s wife still lets him play golf every Sat.u.r.day, why can"t I?" or "Hey, the guys are getting together for a little poker tonight. Can I have a hall pa.s.s?" What are we, the school princ.i.p.als handing out hall pa.s.ses and demerits? Should we schedule homeroom and snack time in addition to recess, too?
We want you to act like a partner in this growing enterprise, and use your sound, manly reason to choose how and when to spend your free time. We"re really not interested in being your ball and chain.
[image]
222.
H OW M E N F E E L.
"Now it"s official. I"m one of those sorry b.a.s.t.a.r.ds in the airport hauling two kids in the double stroller, the baby in the backpack, and fifteen pieces of luggage. I am the pack mule."
-Dean, married 8 years, 3 kids "Two kids have Negative Covariance. They"re like magnets with opposing forces. When one is happy, the other is sad. When one is crying, the other wants to play. When one is hungry, the other won"t eat. When one is charging off to the right, the other one charges off to the left. It makes my head spin."
-Ruben, married 8 years, 2 kids Swollen with pride at the gurgling, giggling, ball-tossing evidence of their manly prowess, guys become increasingly involved in the life of their growing family. It helps that the older kids, are, well, getting older, and therefore significantly more interesting (not to mention easier to care for) to a man than a newborn is. They get great satisfaction from the relationships they form with the kids, and they often find they are relating better to their more-chilled-out wife as well. Of course, they also can"t help but notice that their slice of the pie keeps getting smaller, and that their free time has virtually disappeared. With the increased pressure to provide, and a life that often seems out of their control, they can feel worn down by the double treadmills (work and home) of their existence.
The Pack Mule Ramping Up and Giving In 223.
Getting the Dad Thing Down "The good news is that with the second, you"re more skilled. You get better, faster, smarter. You know what corners you can cut."
-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids Argh! Always cutting corners! But hey, maybe they"re on to something after all . . .
"I have so much fun with Catherine, our four-year-old; she just cracks me up. She"s a real little person now. The baby is cute, but it"s not much fun to hang out with him. It feels like work.
Catherine doesn"t feel like work anymore."
-Howard, married 7 years, 2 kids Like their wives, men also gain perspective on the process and can adjust their expectations accordingly. They know, for example, that the Twilight Zone doesn"t last forever-that they will will sleep again and their wife will eventually return to a fairly recognizable version of her former self. sleep again and their wife will eventually return to a fairly recognizable version of her former self.
"I remember with Luke that I bought these alphabet letter cards and taped them on the ceiling above his changing table, thinking he"d learn to read his name by the time he was two.
I"m a little more realistic about things with the baby and just try to have fun playing with him."
-Scott, married 8 years, 2 kids Aha!
"Most of your time at home seems to be "kid focused" when you have two or more kids. Whether you"re getting lunch or dinner ready, changing diapers, playing, getting them ready for naps, or bathing; it seems there is always a kid activity going on. I finally realized, "s.h.i.t, this is hard." "
-Curt, married 5 years, 2 kids "Paradise is watching one kid!"
-Andy, married 5 years, 3 kids Once they get more involved in the heavy lifting (especially on the 224 224 weekends), most men, as we noted, finally "get it." They do, therefore they They do, therefore they understand. understand. Of course, a few enlightened men got it the first time around, but for most, the proverbial light bulb does not go off until the second arrives. This understanding translates into empathy, appreciation, and willingness to help. When their wife is nursing the baby, and the toddler is about to take a flying leap off the kitchen counter, they can see how their partic.i.p.ation is important. They realize their wife can"t "fi ght two alligators" (change two diapers) at once. Of course, a few enlightened men got it the first time around, but for most, the proverbial light bulb does not go off until the second arrives. This understanding translates into empathy, appreciation, and willingness to help. When their wife is nursing the baby, and the toddler is about to take a flying leap off the kitchen counter, they can see how their partic.i.p.ation is important. They realize their wife can"t "fi ght two alligators" (change two diapers) at once.
"With three kids, I saw that I needed to pay more attention to each of them, to invest that time. My wife is a great mom, but she can"t read to Jenny, stack blocks with John and Katie, and load the dishwasher at the same time."
-Jeremy, married 7 years, 3 kids What Happened to My Life?
"Guys are haunted by the ghosts of their past life. They remember the guy who used to go out after work and have a couple of drinks. They remember (or they imagine) the days of wanton women and wild s.e.x. They remember when they had the freedom to sit around all day on Sat.u.r.day watching sports.
As they have more kids, though, they finally realize they have to kill those ghosts."
-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids Our friend Pat said, "Having the first kid was a cakewalk, but that second one was a car crash." He was not alone. It"s almost as if it takes men an extra child (or two) to catch up with their wives. Her world was upended the first time; his was merely shaken. For him, the additional kids bring on the earthquake. Why is this?
With one child, men can maintain their extracurricular pursuits- albeit at a reduced frequency-but they can find the time to do it. Our friend Gary told us, "When we had our first kid I realized I had to transition my weekend motorcycle racing from an obsession to a hobby. And I did. But now, with the second, I had to pretty much give it up. If I can get out there once a month, I"m doing well." It"s that whole freedom freedom thing again. The incremental loss of freedom or downtime adds up and it wears Ramping Up and Giving In thing again. The incremental loss of freedom or downtime adds up and it wears Ramping Up and Giving In 225.
a guy down-more than we realized, actually. Some feel like their lives are nothing but a series of "have-to"s." "I have to suit up and perform at work. I have to suit up and perform at home."
Julia"s first instinct was to call this section "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me,"
but Cathy and Stacie were much more sympathetic to men"s "plight" and talked her down from her sarcasm. After all, we know where they"re coming from. We need some freedom too. Some men, however, can lose sight of the relative sacrifice and get a tad dramatic: "For a guy domestic life can be emasculating. When there"s no hope of escape and little to no chance of hooking up with your wife at the end of the day, you might as well castrate a guy.
Diapers, baths, naps, time-outs . . . it goes completely against our biological drive, and if we don"t get a break from it all we end up climbing the walls."
-Sam, married 9 years, 2 kids (Julia says, "Boo hoo, cry me a river." But in the name of building mutual understanding here, she"s trying her best.) Beasts of Burden Beasts of Burden The comedian Bill Maher weighs in on the subject of domesticated men: "I"m like the last of my guy friends who has never gotten married. And their wives, they don"t want them playing with me. I"m like the escaped slave. I bring news of freedom." He acknowledges the argument that married men live longer than single men and quips, "Ah, yes, and an indoor cat also lives longer. It"s a fur ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy. But it does, technically, live longer."
If things are so bad so bad for married men, why is it that when they do escape, they come right back for more? The recidivism rate is astounding. Most widowers/male divorcees remarry within three years of a divorce or death.3 What"s more, married people have s.e.x twice as often as single people.4 We know that"s still not nearly enough s.e.x for most men, but if for married men, why is it that when they do escape, they come right back for more? The recidivism rate is astounding. Most widowers/male divorcees remarry within three years of a divorce or death.3 What"s more, married people have s.e.x twice as often as single people.4 We know that"s still not nearly enough s.e.x for most men, but if 226 226 you"re married, chances are you"re getting more than your single buddies, no matter what they might tell you.
So there, Bill. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
How They Feel About Their Wives Not So Nutso Most guys we talked to agreed on this one: their wives chilled out big time after the second kid.
"When you just have one kid, that child is always in the cross-hairs, the parents have laser-like focus on that one target. But with two, you have double bogeys, two moving targets. My wife can"t hyper-control everything anymore and it is such a relief.
We feel more balanced now that she is not so obsessed-more like a family."
-Ryan, married 8 years, 2 kids Most women stop acting like control freaks. Some even learn to let their husbands play a larger, maybe even a leading role. A more relaxed Mom is good news for everyone. It makes the men breathe a sigh of relief. Now if they put the baby"s dress on backward, Mom won"t quibble. She"s just happy that the baby is dressed.
. . . But Then Again . . .
According to most men, although their wives were more relaxed when it came to caring for the kids, they sometimes became more uptight as far as running the household and running the family were concerned.
"My wife built the nest. My wife runs the nest. I just sleep there."
-Paul, married 9 years, 2 kids A man can understand that organization is critical in a multi-kid household, but he doesn"t like it when his wife, the newly Self-Appointed Family Self-Appointed Family Ramping Up and Giving In Ramping Up and Giving In 227.
CEO, starts treating him like an employee. She makes the decisions and controls family life, he is merely taking orders. If she wants him to hang the curtains in Joey"s room, he hangs the curtains in Joey"s room. If she wants the family to spend Sat.u.r.day at Grandma"s house, they spend Sat.u.r.day at Grandma"s house.
Where"s My Piece?
"I feel like I don"t have a wife anymore. I get ten minutes a night if I"m lucky. Sometimes she doesn"t even say good night to me. I"m watching TV and the next thing I know, the lights are off in the kitchen and she"s gone to bed."
-Jared, married 7 years, 2 kids Another kid often means that the husband slips further down the family totem pole. Hanging out in last place waiting around for the sc.r.a.ps isn"t fun for any guy. But with more kids in the picture, he can at least start to understand why his wife is less able to make time for him. As long as he is not forgotten entirely, he can adjust his expectations and survive quite well on a reduced portion of the wife-pie.
"I don"t know if it"s acceptance or resignation, or both, but in terms of s.e.x, I"ve just accepted that you have to do it when you can-when one kid is watching a movie and the other is napping-you have to take what you can get. You"re just going to have to bang it out, so to speak."
-Ian, married 7 years, 2 kids Some of them even have the long-term vision to see that the condition is temporary. They can at least intellectualize, if not be thrilled about the fact that someday, in a galaxy far, far away, the kids will be older and they will regain some of their former glory.
S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.
"Once you have that second, your old life is over, so over over."
-Brian, married 6 years, 2 kids (Authors" Note: He said it, we didn"t.) we didn"t.) 228.
Brian"s right. Our old lives are are over. But that"s kind of the point, isn"t it? over. But that"s kind of the point, isn"t it?
Becoming a parent is a whole new way of living. In many ways, our lives are just beginning. Most couples we spoke to underscored this sentiment by telling us that adding to their families, and increasing their overall workload, actually gave them clearer perspective about what"s really important. They said it made them more aware of what they were gaining and less focused on what they were losing.
Of course raising kids is a tough business. How many times have you exchanged a sympathetic glance with another frustrated parent wrestling with a screaming two-year-old in the grocery cart? We"re all just hanging on by a thread. (And those who appear to have it really and truly under control are on drugs. We know they are.) But hanging back and looking longingly over the fence (or out the window, for all you indoor cats) doesn"t get us anywhere.
Once we have kids, they aren"t going to go away. We"ve entered a new reality. The question becomes, as someone put it earlier in this chapter, how are you going to make it work for you and your family? how are you going to make it work for you and your family?
Two Ways: Surrendering and Thinking like a Team.
(Authors" Note: We"re all about promoting Team Spirit in this chapter, so this solutions section is addressed to both members of the team. Where there is specific advice for men or women, you"ll find it within the bigger idea.) Surrender Already If you you haven"t surrendered already, it"s time. The people that are happiest with their lives have made that step, committed themselves to their families, and given in to the madness. Not sure how? We have a Four-Step Surrender Plan. It"s not foolproof-of course there will be fl are-ups. That haven"t surrendered already, it"s time. The people that are happiest with their lives have made that step, committed themselves to their families, and given in to the madness. Not sure how? We have a Four-Step Surrender Plan. It"s not foolproof-of course there will be fl are-ups. That person-you-used-to-be person-you-used-to-be won"t disappear entirely. As we were writing this chapter, for example, Gordon took down all the baby gates in the house because, "It just looks nicer without them." won"t disappear entirely. As we were writing this chapter, for example, Gordon took down all the baby gates in the house because, "It just looks nicer without them."
Once as a teenager, Julia almost drowned in the Guadalupe River.
The lifeguard who pulled her out of the water later told her, "You were caught between two opposing currents, one going downstream, one going upstream. If this ever happens to you again, sink to the bottom and Ramping Up and Giving In 229.
let the downstream current carry you away from the rapids before you try to come up for air." Ah-the perfect metaphor for parenting: sink, so you don"t drown.
Step One: Lose the "Tude "The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circ.u.mstances."
-Martha Washington Time to suck it up. In our minds, surrendering is a conscious decision.
It"s a choice choice we make about the att.i.tude we"re going to have. Running a full house and staying meaningfully employed can wear anybody down. we make about the att.i.tude we"re going to have. Running a full house and staying meaningfully employed can wear anybody down.
It"s easy to develop a bad att.i.tude. Problem is, a bad att.i.tude doesn"t solve anything; it only makes you unhappier. If you dwell on your "how tough I have it" feelings, you won"t see all the wonderful things that you do have in your life.
"When you have a house full of kids, it"s either going to be really crazy and really fun or it"s going to be h.e.l.l. Whether it"s fun or it"s h.e.l.l is up to you. You can try to laugh or you can b.i.t.c.h and moan your way through the early years."
-William, married 8 years, 2 kids Example A: Take Stacie, for example. After a few weeks of loading kids into the car headed for the preschool, Stacie remembers thinking that there might as well be prison bars surrounding her SUV. Take Stacie, for example. After a few weeks of loading kids into the car headed for the preschool, Stacie remembers thinking that there might as well be prison bars surrounding her SUV.
"I felt like I was in a jail cell. One day I realized what I was saying . . . "a jail cell?" and snapped out of it. I reframed my att.i.tude. I knew that my kids needed an education, and as long as homeschooling was not an option (unfathomable!), they had to get to and from school. I started to see the school run as something valuable and important that I did for my kids rather than just another ch.o.r.e."
Example B: Our friend Jim used to dread taking his kids to Home Depot. Our friend Jim used to dread taking his kids to Home Depot.
"I was so annoyed that it would take at least two hours to get in and out. Then I got it. I wasn"t running an errand, I 230 230 was hanging out with my kids, and if I had to answer their questions about lawn mowers that was OK."
He made an att.i.tude adjustment and, voila, he started having fun.
Example C: Ross will tell you that anyone wanting three kids should have their head examined. (Stacie talked him into the third.) So whenever he feels frustrated about his chaotic life, he checks his att.i.tude and thinks about the big picture: Ross will tell you that anyone wanting three kids should have their head examined. (Stacie talked him into the third.) So whenever he feels frustrated about his chaotic life, he checks his att.i.tude and thinks about the big picture: "When I"m eighty years old, am I going to regret having the third? Am I going to wish that I played more golf or played more with my kids? Am I going to wish that I worked more, or spent time with my family? I think the answer is pretty obvious."
Nothing worthwhile is easy. But is there any endeavor more worthwhile than being the best parent and partner we know how to be? The very things that we might be complaining about-how much we are sacrifi cing and how hard we are working-are, in reality, the building blocks of a great life. Parenthood and family take everything we have to give and then some. But we all know, we reap what we sow. What we invest in our kids and our spouses comes back to us in ways we can"t even imagine.
Step Two: Change Management "Now with two kids, we just have to give ourselves up a little bit to the chaos. I feel like I"ve figured that out but, Bruce hasn"t yet, or isn"t willing to. I"m ready to use my sense of humor, throw up my hands, and say, "Oh well!" to a lot of things, while he"s still feeling really frustrated. I think he"s coming around, but only time will tell. I"ve noticed that his realization of the need for change is about six months behind mine."
-Katherine, married 8 years, 2 kids For most of us, change doesn"t come easy. Think about the millions of dollars in advertising spent each year just to get us to switch our brand of toothpaste.
We dusted off some of Julia and Stacie"s old business-school textbooks to Ramping Up and Giving In 231.
check out how companies deal with change. In a nutsh.e.l.l: when a company has to make a change, it needs a plan plan to maximize the understanding and buy-in of its employees, and minimize the risk that people will fi ght the change and/or quit. The business types call it Change Management. to maximize the understanding and buy-in of its employees, and minimize the risk that people will fi ght the change and/or quit. The business types call it Change Management.
There are two elements of change management to consider as your family grows: * Becoming a parent for the second/third time might not be as traumatic as the first time around, but it is a huge change nonetheless.
It"s not just about adjusting to having a new family member-our schedule, att.i.tude, and expectations have to change, too. That"s a tall order for most of us.
* Your spouse may take longer, or find it more diffi cult to change than you do, and you may have to wait around awhile for him or her to catch up.
We wondered if there might be some change management strategies that could be applied when you add more kids to the mix. So we did a little digging and found a few gems: *