Make small, but incremental changes. OK, that"s great in theory, but babies are an all-or-nothing deal. One day you don"t have one and the next day you do. But you can adjust your schedules gradually. Start with giving each other half an hour off on Sat.u.r.day and slowly work your way up to half a day. OK, that"s great in theory, but babies are an all-or-nothing deal. One day you don"t have one and the next day you do. But you can adjust your schedules gradually. Start with giving each other half an hour off on Sat.u.r.day and slowly work your way up to half a day.
Maintain consistency in as many areas as possible. How many people do you know who move to a new house or start a remodeling project when they are expecting? At least half, right? Julia and Gordon"s big move happened when she was eight months pregnant-new house, new job, new town, new school for the older child, new obstetrician, new pediatrician, new everything. It was a long year. They highly recommend maintaining as much of the status quo as possible when you have another baby. How many people do you know who move to a new house or start a remodeling project when they are expecting? At least half, right? Julia and Gordon"s big move happened when she was eight months pregnant-new house, new job, new town, new school for the older child, new obstetrician, new pediatrician, new everything. It was a long year. They highly recommend maintaining as much of the status quo as possible when you have another baby.
Let yourself grieve. Change, no matter how wonderful and wanted, also means loss. When you have that second, third, etc. kid you lose Change, no matter how wonderful and wanted, also means loss. When you have that second, third, etc. kid you lose 232 232 a bit more of your old life. The experts say it"s OK to feel upset and even a little bit nostalgic. So don"t beat yourself up. And don"t beat your spouse up if they"re dragging their feet (for a while, anyway).
Recognize your capacity to adapt. We are remarkably adaptable creatures. It is one of our most impressive traits. No matter how much a new baby upends our lives, we will adapt to the changes and wonder how we ever had a life without him or her. We are remarkably adaptable creatures. It is one of our most impressive traits. No matter how much a new baby upends our lives, we will adapt to the changes and wonder how we ever had a life without him or her.
Go with the fl ow. At least for a little while and see where you end up. At least for a little while and see where you end up.
When you resist change, it"s a lot more painful. Remember? It"s the "sink, don"t drown" philosophy.
Step Three: Surrendering for Women, or Time to R-E-L-A-X Parenting advice from Frankie Goes to Hollywood? Why not? Relax.
Don"t do it.
"I finally learned to just look at everything and laugh. If the kids are not dressed perfectly for school, who cares? Sometimes I forget to take them to their activities, or I forget the permission slip for the field trip. That doesn"t mean the world is going to stop spinning on its axis."
-Ruth, married 11 years, 2 kids "After high-maintenance-baby number three came along, we go to bed with a lot fewer baths, eat a lot more cereal for dinner, and tend to leave the grocery store before all the shopping is done."
-Maggie, married 7 years, 3 kids Ramping Up and Giving In 233.
Taking Our Own Advice: Relaxation Lessons Learned the Hard Way If only we had known when we had our first babies . . . How much easier our lives would have been. But no, we had to learn the hard way. Here are some things we got right the second (and third) time around: Baby Care * Didn"t sterilize bottles in boiling water * Ignored the baby advice books and followed our guts * Didn"t wrap the baby in a Michael Jacksonstyle mask/ blanket * Stayed in bed whenever we could/didn"t feel guilty about taking a nap Shortcuts (!) * E-mailed the baby announcement (well, that was just Cathy) * Left the house in a mess * Asked for and accepted help * Stopped writing meticulous accounts in the baby books- now throw notes in a pile (Well, that is just Julia. Stacie didn"t buy baby books the second or third times, and Cathy has never bought one.) Keeping Things in Perspective * Learned to laugh at ourselves * Didn"t worry about getting our figures back * Savored the moments instead of rushing to the next one * Stopped caring about everyone else"s opinions * Quickly learned about "mother"s day out" programs for the older child After Number Three (well, this is just Stacie) * The newborn stage didn"t faze me-it was still h.e.l.l, but it just didn"t faze me 234.
* Understood the meaning of zone defense-they weren"t kidding * Accepted that my old life is over and learned to love my new one (on most days, anyway) Step Four: Surrendering for Men, Kil the Ghost So guys, have you given up your ghosts? Or are you still fi ghting your own little private Battle of the Alamo? If you choose to die fi ghting, you won"t be a hero to anybody. So guys, have you given up your ghosts? Or are you still fi ghting your own little private Battle of the Alamo? If you choose to die fi ghting, you won"t be a hero to anybody.
"I think playing golf for half a day on a Sat.u.r.day is just not on after you have kids. That"s just selfish. Those guys are missing out. It"s just about being a man. Suck it up. This is it. What else are you going to do, spend the rest of your life in bars picking up women? Playing sports? That"s not a life. This is what it"s all about."
-Pat, married 10 years, 2 kids Ah, words of wisdom-from one of your own, no less.
The three of us know now what a big step it is for you to come to terms with the fact that you will not spend an entire Sat.u.r.day lying on the couch in your boxer shorts watching replays of the 1992 Masters for quite some time. One day, when you"re fifty, you"ll be able to do that again, because by then the kids won"t want to hang out with you anyway.
In the meantime, try to figure out a way to partic.i.p.ate in the lives you helped create. Take responsibility for your contribution to the overpopu-lation of the planet. We bet your wife will be willing to work with you if you work with her. And your kids will remember you as the Dad that showed up.
Team Think (Only Four More Steps, We Promise!) When there"s more than one kid in the house we have to pool our resources and act like a team. If we don"t, our marriage could be the fi rst Ramping Up and Giving In When there"s more than one kid in the house we have to pool our resources and act like a team. If we don"t, our marriage could be the fi rst Ramping Up and Giving In 235.
casualty in the relentless kid a.s.sault. It"s sink or swim. It"s life or death.
We either get up and take our place in the game, or sit on the sidelines and wait for those divorce papers. So go team!
Step One: The Team Needs a Game Plan-You Gotta Have a System A number of couples we know compare raising kids and maintaining a home with running a business. They have budgets and quarterly goals and strategy meetings. Yeah, we thought it sounded a bit a.n.a.l, too, but apparently they"re on to something. The couples with a system of kid hand-offs and job trade-offs seem to fight less and be a little less exhausted than the rest of us. They A number of couples we know compare raising kids and maintaining a home with running a business. They have budgets and quarterly goals and strategy meetings. Yeah, we thought it sounded a bit a.n.a.l, too, but apparently they"re on to something. The couples with a system of kid hand-offs and job trade-offs seem to fight less and be a little less exhausted than the rest of us. They Divide and Conquer Divide and Conquer (our old Scorekeeping prevention strategy) and trade off responsibilities. Here are some thoughts from the more process-oriented among us: (our old Scorekeeping prevention strategy) and trade off responsibilities. Here are some thoughts from the more process-oriented among us: Divide and Conquer: "We manage the logistics and the routines like we are running a business: "You take Ally to the birthday party at 3:00 "We manage the logistics and the routines like we are running a business: "You take Ally to the birthday party at 3:00 p.m. and I"ll run Peter to his soccer game at 4:00 p.m. Then we"ll meet up for pizza at 5:30 p.m."
Systemic Thinking: "We follow our unwritten rules to make sure we"re constantly taking turns. Like at bath time: "I"ll run the water while you undress the baby. Then you bathe him, and I"ll get the towel and his diaper and pajamas ready. Then I"ll dress him, and we"ll both read him "We follow our unwritten rules to make sure we"re constantly taking turns. Like at bath time: "I"ll run the water while you undress the baby. Then you bathe him, and I"ll get the towel and his diaper and pajamas ready. Then I"ll dress him, and we"ll both read him Goodnight Moon Goodnight Moon." "
Planning Ahead: "Michael and I sit down once a month to talk about our work schedules (I travel, he doesn"t) and figure out who needs to do the pickups: what we want to do around the house, and what errands need running. We also make sure to work in some fun time, too, for each of us and with the kids." "Michael and I sit down once a month to talk about our work schedules (I travel, he doesn"t) and figure out who needs to do the pickups: what we want to do around the house, and what errands need running. We also make sure to work in some fun time, too, for each of us and with the kids."
Trading Off: "In the morning I take care of the kids so that Molly can get ready for work; it takes her longer than it does me. Then I drop the kids off at day care, and Molly does the evening pickup." "In the morning I take care of the kids so that Molly can get ready for work; it takes her longer than it does me. Then I drop the kids off at day care, and Molly does the evening pickup."
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Picking Up the Slack: "When one of us is trying to meet a book deadline, the other one gets home early to pick up the slack." "When one of us is trying to meet a book deadline, the other one gets home early to pick up the slack."
Warning Remember how we noted that with more kids, Dad steps up and Mom chills out? Well, not doing these things can really chip away at the team"s morale.
Men: The Fastest Route to the Couch: Lack of Empathy and a.s.sistance Guys, try not to be an insensitive piece of luggage. Check out Exhibits A and B: Exhibit A: "I remember having two kids hanging on my legs and trying to make dinner and looking out at my husband watching the news. When I made a comment, he barked that he needed to watch the news to relax."
Exhibit B: "We had a baby nurse to help with the twins for a week. I turned to Dave after she left and said, "I don"t know how I"m going to do it." I"m expecting him to be supportive, but all he said was, "Suck it up." I said, "Suck it up? Who do you think I am-one of your football players? You are not my coach, you are my husband." That is as much sympathy for my situation at home as I got. Let"s just say that att.i.tude did not encourage s.e.x. That put a damper on things. And he had no idea why."
A + B = Your a.s.s is sleeping on the couch tonight.
Women: The Fastest Route to the Therapist"s Couch: Uptight Antics Girls, we all can act a little crazy. Our exhibits don"t look much better: Exhibit A: "You let him do something and then you jump in and tell him he"s not doing it exactly how you want it done.
I realized I"d gone too far when I started telling him he was stacking the diapers in the thing the wrong way."
Ramping Up and Giving In 237.
Exhibit B: "The other night I was going to bed and my wife was still on the Net searching for a Baked Alaska recipe to make for my mother"s birthday. I said to her that I"d buy Mom a cake; after all it"s not her problem, it"s my mother, and that she should just come to bed. She told me that she had to make a cake and that I just didn"t understand. Then she comes to bed an hour later, furious with me because she has to make a cake for my mother!"
A + B = Your a.s.s is calling Dr. Shapiro on Monday.
Step 2: Team-Building Activities There are two aspects to a successful team-getting the job done (what we"ve just discussed) and working well together. You can do a fabulous job of running the family business, but you can get consumed with it and wind up neglecting your relationship.
So, to help you build a little more team spirit (Go Grown-ups!), we researched popular corporate team-building activities (you know the drill-build trust, respect, and cooperation by creating a shopping mall out of paper clips and leaping from great heights while shouting the company slogan) and retooled them for babyproofi ng purposes.
And just remember, if it"s good enough for corporate America, it"s good enough for the two of you.
The Scavenger Hunt The BPYM BPYM version of version of The Amazing Race The Amazing Race! Your mission: be the first to get all the items on your shopping list and get home to claim your rightful position on the couch. One of you goes to Target, one of you to Babies R Us, with an equal number of kids in tow. If you have an odd number of kids, the contestant with the extra kid gets a ten-minute head start. This game can also be played within the same store if you just have one place to go on Sat.u.r.day (fat chance).
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The Date Night Challenge Try, just try, to talk your way through this one! Go out on one of your regular date nights (hint, hint) and see if you can get through the Go out on one of your regular date nights (hint, hint) and see if you can get through the entire entire meal without talking about the kids, the house, or your fi nances. Betcha can"t do it! We know from experience how challenging this is, so here are a few possible topics of conversation (so you can prepare your statements ahead of time): meal without talking about the kids, the house, or your fi nances. Betcha can"t do it! We know from experience how challenging this is, so here are a few possible topics of conversation (so you can prepare your statements ahead of time): * Politics (on second thought, nah) * Global warming: myth or just a problem for your kids to deal with?
* Favorite s.e.xual positions * The existence of G.o.d * List of things you want to do before you die (cycling the Alps, running a marathon, getting a pedicure) * List of things you wish your spouse would do for (and/or to) you before you die * Which celebrity you"d most like to sleep with, and, if you ever meet them, do you have permission to do so?
Judges will be watching, and they will award (or deduct) Marriage Capital Marriage Capital points on your scorekeeping ledger based on successful (or unsuccessful) performance of the following elements: points on your scorekeeping ledger based on successful (or unsuccessful) performance of the following elements: * Physical contact: including eye contact, hand-holding, and hugging action, but not necessarily ending up with s.e.x (minus ten points for that one) * Emotional displays: laughter, tears, laughter-through-tears, etc.
* Listening skills: i.e., no electronic gadgets allowed The Annual Corporate Retreat The Annual Corporate Retreat Our favorite! Get your heads out of the daily grind and go somewhere beautiful to contemplate the state of your union or just to have some fun together. Can also be done in your bas.e.m.e.nt if scenic vacations are not an option at the moment. Outline of discussion questions available for an additional fee. We know of one couple who go to a weekend marriage conference every other year. It"s less about the couple workshops Ramping Up and Giving In Get your heads out of the daily grind and go somewhere beautiful to contemplate the state of your union or just to have some fun together. Can also be done in your bas.e.m.e.nt if scenic vacations are not an option at the moment. Outline of discussion questions available for an additional fee. We know of one couple who go to a weekend marriage conference every other year. It"s less about the couple workshops Ramping Up and Giving In 239.
and more about just getting away together. But either way we think it"s a neat idea. (The husband jury is still out on this one, however.) And most important, lest we forget . . . And most important, lest we forget . . . s.e.x s.e.x is a team-building activity! is a team-building activity!
Step Three: Get Out of Jail Free Cards We need to be liberal with the Get Out of Jail Free Cards Get Out of Jail Free Cards to keep the Married-with-Kids-Machine humming. to keep the Married-with-Kids-Machine humming.
"I think we"re generous with each other with "time off " since we agreed that we don"t both need to be home every night to share in the joys of heating up chicken nuggets."
-Brandy, married 8 years, 2 kids Everyone needs and deserves a break. Dealing with work and kids and household stuff without a break is honestly more than any one person can bear. We each need a chance to recharge and refuel. This is true on a short-term, weekly basis, and also on a long-term, getting-away-for-a- weekend basis. If you can manage, letting each other out of the trenches for an entire weekend pays huge dividends into the family business. Having some time to step back refreshes our perspective: we renew our appreciation for how much we have. By the time we get back we can"t wait to see the kids and (conceivably) get our hands on our spouse.
We"ll talk in the next chapter about why it"s necessary to take time to do what recharges you, but for the moment, just try to be generous when it comes to giving each other some time off.
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Cheers!
Step Four: Couple"s c.o.c.ktail Hour "All we do is take care of the kids. That"s all we do. We don"t have any other outlets. We just manage the chaos all day, then collapse on the couch at night with a gla.s.s of wine and say, "We did it." "
-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids S E V E N.
Balancing Priorities Where Do We Go From Here?
"What"s the hardest thing about being a parent? Getting in and out of the car is h.e.l.lacious! And the c.r.a.p. Every time I sit down something squeaks. The thing is, you can"t imagine life any other way once you have a kid, and I wouldn"t want it any other way, but things used to be so much easier: one plus one equaled two. It"s all a negotiation now. And I wasn"t so fat."
-Jeff, married 4 years (to Elizabeth), 1 kid "I do love being a Mom, but, boy, I feel drained a lot of the time.
I don"t like it that Jeff and I don"t get to have fun together very often. I really miss that. We didn"t even manage to celebrate our last anniversary. I think that makes us argue more. But are we unhappy? I don"t think so. We"re not living just for ourselves the way we were."
-Elizabeth, married 4 years (to Jeff), 1 kid We are all fundamentally happy with our choices, right? Our children are our greatest joy, and we"ll make whatever sacrifices are necessary in exchange for the privilege of being a parent. But the trade-offs that we so willingly make for the kids come at a price; whatever life balance we once had takes a hit. Don"t we all have days when we want to run screaming out the front door and hitch a ride to anywhere that Barney cannot go? We are all fundamentally happy with our choices, right? Our children are our greatest joy, and we"ll make whatever sacrifices are necessary in exchange for the privilege of being a parent. But the trade-offs that we so willingly make for the kids come at a price; whatever life balance we once had takes a hit. Don"t we all have days when we want to run screaming out the front door and hitch a ride to anywhere that Barney cannot go?
You might even fi nd yourself, like the three of us, fantasizing about getting sick-nothing too serious-just sick enough to have our husbands (or George Clooney) wait on us hand and foot for a few days. And of 242 242 course let"s not forget our husbands who"ve all tried to marathon, fi sh, and cycle their way to freedom.
We"re Smart People. Why Does This Seem So Hard Sometimes?
What"s going on? Why do people report that their marriages falter during this time, when, really, having kids should make us closer than ever? Why is keeping body and soul and spirit together so difficult for us? Are we just a bunch of whiny, self-indulgent complainers who don"t know how good we have it? Is a collective kick in the a.s.s really what we need? Or is parenthood just plain difficult? A little of both, actually. . . .
It is difficult, and some of it is no one"s fault. There is so little time and so much to do. We are forced to cut activities out of our lives that recharge and refuel us as individuals and as a couple. There is so little time and so much to do. We are forced to cut activities out of our lives that recharge and refuel us as individuals and as a couple.
We do things that aggravate the situation (this is the kick-in-the-a.s.s part): Sometimes we make our married-with-kids life harder than it has to be. In our effort to do and have it all, we can end up focusing on the wrong things and overlooking what"s truly important. Sometimes we make our married-with-kids life harder than it has to be. In our effort to do and have it all, we can end up focusing on the wrong things and overlooking what"s truly important.
Something"s Gotta Give It"s not as if everything was in perfect alignment before we had kids and we were both scoring off the happiness charts. We"re not saying that life was better before, just that it was simpler. Once kids enter the picture, though, "couple time" and "me time" get squeezed, and the consequences take a toll on how we feel.
When we neglect our marriage, it wilts. Like a houseplant, all it needs is some regular watering (i.e., real intimacy-and we don"t just mean s.e.x), but so often we fi nd other things to do that seem more important. Like a houseplant, all it needs is some regular watering (i.e., real intimacy-and we don"t just mean s.e.x), but so often we fi nd other things to do that seem more important.
Marriage is one of the few things we can ignore without immediate and dire consequences. If we ignore our job, we"ll get fired. If we ignore our kids, they"ll starve. But if we ignore our relationship, our spouse can live off the sc.r.a.ps for a pretty long time.
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Balancing Priorities 243.
After kids, because we are so busy, the marriage can slip into autopilot. We coast along, paying very little attention to where we"re going.
There are no more "deep and meaningfuls." Instead it"s "time to make the donuts" . . . every single day. Here"s an example, a "Come on Baby Light My Fire" e-mail that Julia recently sent to Gordon (careful, this is hot stuff . . .): 1. Not sure what to do on the 401K. Call when you have time to discuss.
2. Do you have any of this year"s tax stuff at the offi ce? Where do you want to keep the fi le?
3. I keep getting cards for the new insurance plan in the mail. Who should I talk to at the office to figure out which ones we are supposed to be using?
4. Don"t forget to call your Mom about Sat.u.r.day before you leave town tomorrow.
5. When do you want to try to have a dinner party?
6. What should I do about getting the rug fi xed?
7. Blah. Blah. Blah. My list is just as long, and before you start groaning, just take a close look, most of these things on "your" list are actually things on my list.
Hard to believe she once left poems for him in his briefcase, isn"t it?
Marriage on Autopilot 244.
In the same way, when we neglect ourselves, we wilt. Parenthood means reducing many of our critical life-maintenance activities. We aren"t talking about how giving up carousing in bars or a weekly pedicure is kind of a b.u.mmer; we"re talking about losing some of the basic components of a happy, well-lived life that recharge us and make us whole: time with friends and family, exercise, sleep, s.e.x, work, or volunteer activities. Parenthood means reducing many of our critical life-maintenance activities. We aren"t talking about how giving up carousing in bars or a weekly pedicure is kind of a b.u.mmer; we"re talking about losing some of the basic components of a happy, well-lived life that recharge us and make us whole: time with friends and family, exercise, sleep, s.e.x, work, or volunteer activities.
"My life is very well balanced if you exclude myself."
-Anna, married 6 years, 2 kids "I"m thirty pounds overweight. I"ve gained fifteen pounds with each of my daughters. The thing is, I leave the house at 7:00 a.m. and I don"t get out of work until 7:00 p.m.-if I go to the gym, my kids will be in bed by the time I get home. So it"s exercise or see my kids."
-Anthony, 210 pounds, married 8 years, 2 kids "You know those before and after pictures you see of presidents, before they take office and then four years later after the fi rst term? They look like they have aged at least ten years. I feel like motherhood does the same thing. My oldest is four and I feel and look like I"m a decade older than I was when she was born."
-Alicia, married 8 years, 2 kids Sometimes it"s self-neglect that can cause a marriage to wilt. Scaling back on sanity-saving/happiness-inducing activities can make us feel overwhelmed, vaguely dissatisfi ed with life in general, and possibly even depressed. Any of the above can make us d.a.m.n difficult to live with.
Stuff We Do That Aggravates the Situation There"s more to this happiness issue, though, than not having enough time for each other and for ourselves. Being human, we can all do things that make our happiness more elusive than it needs to be: There"s more to this happiness issue, though, than not having enough time for each other and for ourselves. Being human, we can all do things that make our happiness more elusive than it needs to be: *
Ignorance (We mean that in a nice way.) We don"t realize that we need to prioritize. Most of the time we don"t even know We don"t realize that we need to prioritize. Most of the time we don"t even know what what to prioritize. to prioritize.
Balancing Priorities 245.
"I"m not quite sure what"s happened. I feel like I"m trying to force really big square pegs (all the stuff I want to do) into really small round holes (how much time I have to do those things)."
-Barry, married 9 years, 2 kids *
It"s Never Enough! Even though we effectively "have it all" when we have our marriage, job, and offspring ducks in a row, we are perpetually longing for "more." Even though we effectively "have it all" when we have our marriage, job, and offspring ducks in a row, we are perpetually longing for "more."
"We drive ourselves so hard, but we feel like we are never on top of everything. We focus too much on what isn"t right instead of all that is right. Why can"t I say, "Oh, everything"s so great?" I keep saying, "Let it go, let it go," but I can"t really let it go."
-Margot, married 7 years, 2 kids *
Pining for Perfection. Just trying to keep the fridge stocked, the checkbook balanced, and the kids healthy is a pretty substantial undertaking. But instead of feeling good about ourselves when we manage to do just that, we pine for the washboard abs, the granite countertops, and/or a new car. Just trying to keep the fridge stocked, the checkbook balanced, and the kids healthy is a pretty substantial undertaking. But instead of feeling good about ourselves when we manage to do just that, we pine for the washboard abs, the granite countertops, and/or a new car.
"I hate checking out at the grocery store because there is inevitably a celebrity on a magazine cover in a bikini six weeks after the birth of her third baby, and there"s advice on how to boost your baby"s IQ and your souffle-making skills all in the same article. It makes me feel bad every time I look at those.
Our life is just so chaotic."
-Laurie, married 9 years, 3 kids The Extreme Parenting Phenomenon Then there"s our eminently reasonable and admirable desire to give our children the best possible opportunities in life. Unfortunately, the pressure of it all can make us feel like we"re just not doing enough, no matter how much we do. How many of us think that we would fail as parents if we didn"t get our kids into the best preschool, schedule X number of playdates, and expose them in their early formative years to a martial art, a musical instrument, and a foreign language?