If I leave him alone with the kids for more than an hour, his mom is over here in a flash," says Charlotte. Some women think this is an abuse of the grandparents. Others fear that it encourages over-involvement. Others call it just plain lazy just plain lazy.
H OW M E N F E E L.
"The secret of a happy marriage? How about this: lots of b.l.o.w.j.o.bs and no in-laws!"
-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids "My dad had two things to say about getting married: "If you"re buying a house, buy one as far away from her family as possible.
Then, make sure she has a car that works so she can drive back and forth." "
-Jay, married 10 years, 2 kids Help Is Help Is Help Men are anxious to help their wives with the child care or, more accurately, to fi nd help to fi nd help for their wives. They often don"t realize that their choice of help for their wives. They often don"t realize that their choice of help is is the problem and are often oblivious to potential tensions. Our friend Tim told us, "I thought she was happy to have my mom help with the cooking and washing up. I didn"t know she was annoying her so much." Most of the time, they can"t really relate to the turf battle In-Laws and Outlaws the problem and are often oblivious to potential tensions. Our friend Tim told us, "I thought she was happy to have my mom help with the cooking and washing up. I didn"t know she was annoying her so much." Most of the time, they can"t really relate to the turf battle In-Laws and Outlaws 173.
going on between the women. A lot of the time, they don"t even know it"s going on until they are told, and their services as peacemakers/mediators are requested.
A Rock and a Hard Place "I just want to keep everyone happy. Why can"t everyone just be happy?"
-Brian, married 6 years, 2 kids That role of mediator is not one that many men relish. Many guys told us that they feel like they are caught between a rock and a hard place. They want to facilitate their parents" wishes to spend time with the kids, but they don"t want to upset a wife who finds the parents a "challenge." As the web of familial relations grows more tangled, men can be frustrated by the difficulty of negotiating every twist and turn.
"I am an only child and my father died a couple of years ago, so I feel a tremendous sense of responsibility toward my mom.
When we had our first kid, my wife, Andrea, wanted Christmas at our house. My mother refused to come. She just insisted that we have Christmas at "her table" the way we always have. We tried to compromise: breakfast at Mom"s and then dinner at ours. All through breakfast Mom moaned about how she was going to be eating alone that night. Then on the way home, Andrea was furious with me that I didn"t tell my mother to quit her complaining when she could easily eat with all of us."
-Daniel, married 11 years, 3 kids It"s a Control Thing (Whaddya Know?) The Male Version of the Turf Battle Where there is tension, however, it revolves around that timeless question: "Who"s in charge here?" Just like women (perhaps even more so, given all that testosterone), guys need to know that they, too, are numero uno in the pecking order. Some men describe feeling virtually invisible, es-174 pecially during the newborn stage as the women take over the house and start issuing directives. Like our friend David who said, "No one seemed all that interested in what I I thought we should do with the baby." thought we should do with the baby."
Stepping on My Manhood While Dad won"t feel like his authority is threatened if Grandpa suggests that the boys need a haircut (Mom, on the other hand, wonders if he is suggesting that she has been negligent in the grooming department), there are certain areas over which men want to maintain control, or at least the consulting rights.
"My mother-in-law bought our son his first bike, and that was just stepping on my manhood. There"s just certain things a guy wants to do."
-Anton, married 9 years, 2 kids "It"s gotta be a man thing . . . One of my brothers was going to teach Charlie how to play chess and my husband got furious. I said, "What"s wrong with that? You don"t even know how to play chess!" Well, I tell you what, he went and learned chess, and then he taught our son how to play."
-Gwen, married 11 years, 3 kids It is is a man thing . . . We didn"t understand it, but our husbands all nod-ded in agreement and knew exactly what these guys were saying. It seems guys have a clear vision of what a father should do, and the rest of us had best steer clear of those things. For some it"s playing chess, for others it"s going to the first baseball game or coaching the soccer team. Each man has his own list of things that he believes should be Dad"s prerogative. a man thing . . . We didn"t understand it, but our husbands all nod-ded in agreement and knew exactly what these guys were saying. It seems guys have a clear vision of what a father should do, and the rest of us had best steer clear of those things. For some it"s playing chess, for others it"s going to the first baseball game or coaching the soccer team. Each man has his own list of things that he believes should be Dad"s prerogative.
BONUS SECTION: H OW G R A N D PA R E NT S F E E L.
"Everyone should just skip the whole parenting ordeal. Being a grandparent is where it"s at."
-Stan, married 30 years, 3 kids, 5 grandkids In-Laws and Outlaws In-Laws and Outlaws 175.
We Just Love Those Kids "The happiest day of my life was the day Kate was born, the day I became a grandmother."
-Krishna, Cathy"s mother-in-law, married 38 years, 2 kids, 2 grandkids 2 grandkids "When your grandkids give you a hug, it"s completely genuine- you know it"s for real. The love we have for our grandkids is one of the purest kinds of love there is. There are no strings attached."
-Lou and Julie, Julia"s parents, married 42 years, 2 kids, 3 grandkids 3 grandkids Wow! They do love those kids. Who knew that we (the three of us, and all of you) are raising the smartest, most beautiful, most talented generation in the history of the world? At least, that"s what you"d think if you talked to any grandparent about his or her grandchild. Our own parents and in-laws are just nuts about our kids. There are no expectations (except for the few grandparents who insist on instilling handshake/eye-contact skills). There is only a love fest.
In addition to the crazy love, grandparents have the deep desire for immortality, to leave a mark on their genetic legacy. As Megan"s mother said: "When you get older, and you see your grandkids and know that, G.o.d willing, they will keep living long after you are dead, you feel like they are the way you leave a footprint behind. You want to touch them in some way that you"ll be remembered by. It becomes almost imperative."
Consequently, they want to spend time with the grandkids. They want to pa.s.s on family traditions. (In Julia"s family"s case, "tradition" means an obsession with University of Texas football.) They want to have as great an infl uence as possible on the child"s development.
Some grandparents told us that being a grandparent offers them the chance they never got the first time around to spend quality time with family: 176.
"When you become parents and raise your family, you mostly experience shock and can only occasionally appreciate the awe.
For ten years, I worked three jobs as I endured a shaky career as an Eastern Airlines pilot. Back then, it was about survival and preparing for two college tuitions. I didn"t get to spend much time with my family. I missed out on a lot. When you become a grandparent, however, it"s total awe. You get to see the whole picture. I feel like I have a second chance."
-Richard, Stacie"s father, married 41 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids The Granny Grab The grand-maternal instinct, in particular, is a force to be reckoned with (and sometimes vigilantly kept in check). Cathy"s grandmother-in-law, at age 83, got on a plane, for the first time in her life, and left India, also for the first time in her life, so that she could see and hold her fi rst great-grandchild. So many people told us about their mothers or mothers-in-law just "ripping" the baby right out of someone else"s arms that we decided it was worth naming. We call it The Granny Grab The Granny Grab-an involuntary, uncontrollable impulse to s.n.a.t.c.h the baby. Grandmas grab first and ask later. And may G.o.d help the man, woman, or beast who gets in the way.
We Really Do Just Want to Help No grandparent we spoke with had fantasies of usurping the parents and running the whole child-rearing show. They just want to help. They see how hard we are working and want to ease the burden for us. Many of them think, however, that their kids are overly sensitive and too quick to take offense. Jocelyn said, "I told my daughter that I"d be happy to take the baby for a couple of days so she could get some rest. She wouldn"t hear of it. Honestly, all I wanted to do was help her get some sleep."
In-Laws and Outlaws 177.
Who"s Being Overbearing Here?
Many grandparents we spoke with told us that they found their own kids far too controlling. Miriam told us, "When I babysit, I am given detailed instructions, right down to being told not to put a sweater on the baby when it"s ninety-five degrees outside. They treat me like I"m an idiot."
Others said that their kids" reluctance to give them any caregiving au-tonomy ("I am told exactly what to give Taylor for dinner.") makes them feel like hired help rather than a member of the family.
"I feel like an interloper, not an in-law."
-Bonnie, married 37 years, 4 kids, 8 grandkids Many of them think their kids need to lighten up on the parenting front. Many of them think their kids need to lighten up on the parenting front.
In their opinion, we take ourselves waaaay waaaay too seriously. Yvonne and Donald said their daughter-in-law sent them a reading list so that they could prepare for their upcoming visit with the new baby. Yvonne and Donald are the parents of six. All six of their kids graduated from college and include an engineer, an attorney, and a physician. too seriously. Yvonne and Donald said their daughter-in-law sent them a reading list so that they could prepare for their upcoming visit with the new baby. Yvonne and Donald are the parents of six. All six of their kids graduated from college and include an engineer, an attorney, and a physician.
Others are baffled as to why they are always in the doghouse. They are always violating some strict edict no one told them about. Betty said: "The last time I was visiting Sophie, I brought the most beautiful book of fairy tales- Cinderella Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty Sleeping Beauty, the cla.s.sic stories. I was stiffly told that Sophie is not allowed any "princess material"-that it would give her the wrong messages about men and women. You would think I had brought contraband into the house."
Grandparents can find themselves walking on eggsh.e.l.ls, tiptoeing around their kids. As Edie told us, "I learned the hard way that I should only give advice if I am asked for it."
The Generation Gap The immense difference between our lives and our parents" lives sometimes makes it difficult for us to relate to each other.
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178.
"I had my first child when I was twenty-one. My daughter had her first when she was thirty-one. She was so much more earnest about the whole thing. She read books, she went to yoga cla.s.ses, she even researched preschools before the birth. We just got on with it. And most of the time, maybe because we were younger, we would listen to our own mothers. We accepted that we needed help. My daughter dismisses most of the suggestions I give her. I"m out of date. I haven"t read the latest books."
-Dorothy, married 42 years, 3 kids, 7 grandkids Greetings from the Doghouse Greetings from the Doghouse New Respect Even if they do, at times, fi nd us a tad controlling, grandparents told us of feeling an enormous sense of respect and pride as they watch their children become parents.
"What an extraordinary thing it is to see the baby you you brought into the world holding the baby brought into the world holding the baby they they brought into the world. To see your child take on the responsibility of parenthood, and to remember what it was like when you took it on, just fi lls you with the desire to love and support them any way you can." brought into the world. To see your child take on the responsibility of parenthood, and to remember what it was like when you took it on, just fi lls you with the desire to love and support them any way you can."
-Lloyd, married 38 years, 2 kids, 6 grandkids In-Laws and Outlaws In-Laws and Outlaws 179.
This sense of respect can also extend (sometimes for the first time) to the daughter- or son-in-law. Yet again, hardwiring plays a part. Grandparents recognize that both parents are critical to their grandchild"s (a.k.a. their genetic legacy) success, and they respond accordingly.
No Respect A small but unhappy minority of grandparents told us they felt used.
They suit up and show up to help with the kids, but get little in the way of thanks or appreciation. Said one grandfather, Ken, "Lizzie and Mack just a.s.sume we"ll be there when they need us, which we will be. But Margaret and I feel taken for granted. A simple expression of grat.i.tude on their part would be nice." Another grandfather, Ralph, said it was worse than just being taken for granted, "My daughter-in-law"s parents get the red-carpet treatment because they live out of town. I live nearby, and I"m nothing but a workhorse. I get a call when my son needs help loading lumber in his truck, not to be invited to a ball game with the kids."
S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.
Once we have kids we learn that it"s not just about us anymore. No matter how much our extended families might drive us crazy, they also enrich our lives and our kids" lives immeasurably. Ultimately, it"s up to the "new grown-ups" (yikes! that"s us) to keep extended family relationships and expectations in check. Keeping things running smoothly is in everyone"s best interest: ours, our kids", and our respective families". Easier said than done, we know. The three of us put together the following BPYM Family BPYM Family Management Plan Management Plan to help us all with the "doing" part. We hope it will give us a framework for ironing out some of the kinks in our post-baby family dynamics. to help us all with the "doing" part. We hope it will give us a framework for ironing out some of the kinks in our post-baby family dynamics.
The BPYM Family Management Plan BPYM Family Management Plan "We"re trying to create a new policy, or the "perfect symbiotic relationship," that will be good for everyone. The plan is that my mom will have an overnight with the kids once every couple 180 180 of months. She gets her one-on-one time, and my husband and I get a break together."
-Anita, married 9 years, 4 kids 1. Establish the Pecking Order When we put our spouse first, everything else falls into place.
If lack of recognition is the root of most family management arguments, the solution is straightforward: make it clear to all concerned (sometimes that includes yourself) that your spouse and your nuclear family, without exception, come fi rst.
The Pecking Order My ouse an Sp d Kids Everyone Else Most of the time, it"s not necessary to hand out org charts. Ideally, our priorities will be obvious from our behavior. Sometimes, however, a heavier hand is required, and telling Mom or Dad to "back off " is the only option.
"My mother came to stay with us when our first baby was born. She started complaining that my husband was not doing enough with the baby. I told her that she was not to criticize my husband and that if she said or did anything to undermine my marriage she would have to leave. That was probably a bit strong, but I was hormonal. Anyway, that was five years ago and she has never said a bad word about Drew since."
-Mich.e.l.le, married 7 years, 2 kids If you are a Mama"s Boy or a Daddy"s Girl (or a Daddy"s Boy/Mama"s Girl), it"s time to Cut the Cord Cut the Cord. Actually, the time to sever it was about ten or fifteen years ago, but better late than never. In case there is any doubt, the cutting ceremony is long overdue if: [image]
In-Laws and Outlaws 181.
* You can"t make a move without consulting one or both of your parents.
* You make the aforementioned move after consulting your parents, but you don"t ask your spouse what he or she thinks.
* You take a "my-way-or-the-highway" approach to implementing your family traditions.
* More than ten percent of your sentences begin with "My mom/dad always says . . . "
* You make unfavorable spouse/parent comparisons (e.g., "My father worked on the yard every Sat.u.r.day, why can"t you do it once a month?" or "My mother always made lasagna on Sundays.") Cut the Cord Cut the Cord Another way to resolve any pecking-order issues is to ask yourself the following question: "What is best for our kids? " In all but a few cases, you can answer that question with another one: " " In all but a few cases, you can answer that question with another one: "What is best for this marriage? " In Julia"s case, putting her family first meant moving across the country for Gordon"s job, even though it put 1,500 miles between her and her much-loved parents. There were lots of tears and gnashing of teeth on " In Julia"s case, putting her family first meant moving across the country for Gordon"s job, even though it put 1,500 miles between her and her much-loved parents. There were lots of tears and gnashing of teeth on 182 182 the way (and for quite some time afterward), but asking the right question made the answer obvious, even if it was painful.
No one relishes telling Mom and Dad what to do and/or doing something (or in Julia"s case, moving somewhere) that will make them sad. We are still their children no matter how many kids and gray hairs we have.
But if we don"t establish the pecking order with each of our families, sometimes the results aren"t pretty. In an effort to try to keep everyone happy, no one will be. Least of all you.
2. Good Fences Make Good In-Laws: Boundaries "I have spontaneous in-laws, but I am not into the unplanned.
We"d just be hanging out on the couch, when suddenly my in-laws would show up unannounced. Not good. I like them a lot, but I want to know when they are coming."
-Suzanne, married 10 years, 3 kids Life is just easier for everyone when we know what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable, so it"s important to set expectations and boundaries.
This requires a) that we agree on appropriate boundaries, and b) that we communicate those boundaries to our respective families.
For example, when Suzanne told her husband she didn"t like the surprise visits, he told his parents that they needed to call before they came over.
Suzanne reports that there have been no further unantic.i.p.ated drop-bys.
3. Run Interference We have to get each other"s backs. If our family is the offending party, it If our family is the offending party, it is our mess to clean up. is our mess to clean up. If we don"t deal with it, we are infl icting that relationship management burden on our spouse, who is the wrong person for the job. If we don"t deal with it, we are infl icting that relationship management burden on our spouse, who is the wrong person for the job.
"I have a great relationship with my in-laws and that is largely thanks to my husband. If they ever upset me, he deals with it immediately and he does it in a way that makes it sound like he is the one who is annoyed, not me."
-Emily, married 5 years, 1 kid In-Laws and Outlaws 183.
It"s not fair to send our spouse into our own battleground. We can all tell our own families where to stuff something. Our parents have to love and accept us even when we upset and offend them. Odds are they"re used to it by now anyway. But we cannot speak our minds to our in-laws in the same way. We might mortally offend them by saying, "no cookies after 6:00 p.m.," and the relationship might never recover.
4. Start Your Own Traditions As our new families grow, we need to establish our own traditions. This is part charting new territory: "We"re going to have Christmas at our house from now on," and part balancing act: "Next year, your parents will come and the year after that, mine will." It"s also important to accommodate some of what"s most important to your spouse about their own family"s legacy. For example, Julia includes mastering the art of cooking sauerkraut (one of Gordon"s family favorites) among her (long-term) life goals.
Zen and the Art of Family Maintenance: Tolerance and Respect "Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-Rita Rudner, comedian It"s all part of the great family balancing act. Even as we create new families, we each rely on our own old families for support and guidance. We all need to make room in our lives for our spouse"s family. They are part of our family and our kids are part of them. They"re not the enemy. OK, if they are inconsiderate, incompetent, or insane, they are the enemy. But for most of us, having them in our lives is a blessing. They are among the small handful of people who love our children as much as we do. They"re not perfect, but who is?
"You accept your own family"s idiosyncrasies. You grew up with them. You learned how to deal with them over time. You have context for all their oddities. In-laws just suddenly appear. You 184 184 have no framework for their weirdness. You just have to accept their issues the same way you accept your own family"s."
-Lisa, married 5 years, 1 kid "My parents are really involved and helpful. I expected the same from my in-laws. When I finally realized it wasn"t fair to expect the same thing from them, things got easier. They are different people. I"ve learned to work with them. Now I arrange special activities to create more relaxed "grandparent time" for them instead of looking to them to babysit. I don"t expect them to help the way my parents do."
-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids Appreciation Even though being a grandparent is its own reward, all grandparents (and for that matter, everyone else) like to be told that they are appreciated.
After she had her first daughter, Stacie sent her parents a Valentine"s card with the note I get it I get it written inside. Even if we"re all not as thoughtful as Stacie (or we would be, if we could only find the time to write cards), at some level we all do "get it" for the very first time, and should make a point of saying so. written inside. Even if we"re all not as thoughtful as Stacie (or we would be, if we could only find the time to write cards), at some level we all do "get it" for the very first time, and should make a point of saying so.
Don"t Forget the Siblings Our brothers and sisters also have an important role to play in our lives after we have kids. The hardwired part of this was for survival purposes, so we could help take care of each other in the event the parents didn"t survive. Today we form a support network for each other and each other"s kids. Limiting, or even excluding, our spouse"s siblings from their life can hurt everyone. Sheila described the impact of one spouse hijacking the other"s family life: "My brother and I are eighteen months apart. We were so close growing up. We even went to the same college. But he married a woman who cut off our relationship. I"ve basically mourned the loss of my brother. Now there is a hole in my life, and probably in his, too."
In-Laws and Outlaws 185.
Keep an Eye on the Road Ahead Chances are that one day, many years from now, we too will be grandparents. How else will our kids learn that grandparents are important if we don"t teach them that? How can we expect them to be empathetic and responsible individuals who treat their elders with respect if we don"t act that way ourselves? Our friend Katie, who has two little boys, insists that her husband call his mother every Sunday night. "He would be quite happy to communicate through me and call her once a month. I don"t want my sons to see that. I want them to see that a mother should always be a priority in her child"s life."
Tough Questions, Tough Love Is There a Conflict-Free Way to Approach the "What-If"
Question?
In short, no. Unless the ident.i.ty of the potential guardians is a no-brainer, this is one tough issue to resolve. All we can do, friends, is ask ourselves the right question: What is best for the kids? What is best for the kids?
Flagrant Violators If we have clearly set boundaries, issued warnings, and handed out the org chart and we still still have a repeat offender in the family, we can try calling a time-out. We can take a three-month break from the person. If he or she doesn"t get it, then that"s his or her problem. There"s too much at stake to let a family member"s bad behavior affect your own family, especially your kids. have a repeat offender in the family, we can try calling a time-out. We can take a three-month break from the person. If he or she doesn"t get it, then that"s his or her problem. There"s too much at stake to let a family member"s bad behavior affect your own family, especially your kids.
Locked Horns What if we can"t come to an acceptable arrangement? What if the Zen thing just doesn"t cut it and one of us finds the other"s family utterly intolerable?
Two possible strategies: 1. "Divide and Conquer. When it makes sense, consider giving your spouse a break while you take the kids to visit your When it makes sense, consider giving your spouse a break while you take the kids to visit your 186 186 relatives. He or she could always use the personal time.
2. "Points and Rewards. "Points and Rewards. When the preceding strategy is impossible (like say, when you have to fly across the country for Thanksgiving), the spouse who is sucking it up is ent.i.tled to a mutually agreed-upon reward, whether it be a weekend to themselves or an unmentionable s.e.xual favor. When the preceding strategy is impossible (like say, when you have to fly across the country for Thanksgiving), the spouse who is sucking it up is ent.i.tled to a mutually agreed-upon reward, whether it be a weekend to themselves or an unmentionable s.e.xual favor.
Pecking-Order Blindness If your spouse, after repeated attempts to show him or her this chapter and get him or her to understand how you feel, still continues to put his or her family before you and the kids-it"s probably time to call the Maytag Man and get some professional help.
S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.
Lighten Up, Frances "Women have to learn to give up control when the in-laws are involved and just let them help. Yes, your kids will eat the wrong foods, and no, they won"t follow your rules, but it"s OK to leave them for the weekend and get a break with your husband."
-Kimberly, married 12 years, 2 kids We girls tend to be more territorial than our husbands when it comes to the kids and the home. It seems that our Mom antennae are acutely at-tuned to notice the slightest criticism, or infringement on our turf. Our hardwiring to "be the mother" can mean that we dismiss or refuse offers of desperately needed help.
If your parents and in-laws are good people, the chances are that what you perceive as criticism and interference is, for the most part, an attempt to help. Beware of mistaking "experience sharing" for judgmental meddling. The three of us all did it with our mothers and/or mothers-In-Laws and Outlaws 187.
in-law when we had our first babies, for which we"d now like to apologize publicly. Your mother-in-law innocently says, "All my babies slept on their tummies," and you roll your eyes and think, "She"s saying that I shouldn"t put my baby to sleep on his back. She leaves . . . when?" If family members do, in fact, overstep their bounds, it"s entirely possible that they are totally unaware of it. Try giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Try to a.s.sume they mean well and see what happens.
"I went into labor unexpectedly, so my mother brought my things up to the hospital. She just kept hanging around in the delivery room, and after several glances between me and my husband, I finally had to gently ask her to wait outside. She She didn"t know she was imposing. Sometimes they don"t necessarily didn"t know she was imposing. Sometimes they don"t necessarily know. know. " "
-Robin, married 3 years, 1 kid It"s OK to accept some offers of help. There"s room for everyone in your nest. Letting Grandma step in does not detract from your abilities or your supremacy as the Queen Bee.