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"Sometimes I worry that the kids see more of the back of my head than my face. They spend so much time in the back of the car being driven to all their activities."
Dawn, married 10 years, 3 kids Are You an Uber-Mama Uber-Mama ? ?
Plenty of men get caught up in extreme parenting, but it"s the Moms who really make it an art form. Our desire to be the best Mom we can be can get out of hand; the Mommy Chip goes haywire, like HAL 9000, the computer in 2001: A s.p.a.ce Odyssey 2001: A s.p.a.ce Odyssey.
While there"s nothing wrong with hand-making birthday party invitations and kitting out your home and yard for every holiday (and if you have genuine creative tendencies and really enjoy that stuff, rock on), the problem with uber-mama-ing activities is that they are high in cost and the problem with uber-mama-ing activities is that they are high in cost and low in return low in return. We spend weeks organizing a big Elmo extravaganza for our child"s first birthday, which he proceeds to sleep through. Meanwhile we"re annoyed with our husband because he didn"t help out more and didn"t give us any kudos for throwing the party. He didn"t share our The Uber-Mama Olympics The Uber-Mama Olympics Balancing Priorities 247.
enthusiasm because he just didn"t see the point. Who Who, we asked ourselves, is benefi ting from this kind of activity? is benefi ting from this kind of activity? And why do we do it? It"s the pressure-pressure we put on ourselves and pressure we absorb from society. And why do we do it? It"s the pressure-pressure we put on ourselves and pressure we absorb from society.
"It"s so easy for Michael to tell me I"m crazy to be looking at drama camp for Gavin, but he doesn"t know how nuts it is out there. Moms are getting math tutors for their preschoolers!"
-Dana, married 6 years, 2 kids Attack of the Uber-Mamas It"s hard to fight our inner manic-mom tendencies when it seems that the world is conspiring to turn us all into uber-mamas. The three of us have been there: Cathy: "I casually mentioned to another mother that I should really start putting Kate into a gymnastic cla.s.s or something. This woman looked at me aghast and listed all the cla.s.ses her two-year-old was doing: dance, music, art. I think she thought I was clueless. I told myself that this woman was overscheduling her child, but really, she made me feel guilty.
So what did I do? I stayed up until the wee hours researching every conceivable activity for a three-year-old. Did you know that they can take yoga?"
Julia: "The other day I was demoralized by a four-year-old.
She was over playing with my son and she said, "Your house is really messy," and, honestly, I was upset. I thought, "She"s going to tell her mother . . . maybe I can buy her silence with chocolate chip cookies." "
Stacie: "It"s time I confess. I threw a big Nemo Nemo party for two of my kids who both have September birthdays. I invited fi fty people, it was catered, there were two pinatas for both age groups, and our pool looked like an aquarium with all the plastic Nemos swimming around in it." party for two of my kids who both have September birthdays. I invited fi fty people, it was catered, there were two pinatas for both age groups, and our pool looked like an aquarium with all the plastic Nemos swimming around in it."
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Men can also get caught up in the compet.i.tive parenting game. A few of them can be worse than women. As Darren told us: "You know how guys measure things . . . They look at their friends, coworkers, neighbors and size up where they stand. It"s not just about acquiring things, either, like a big house or a nice car, it"s also about ranking. Who"s the best? Guys want their kids to excel at school and at a sport."
How Much of This Is a Generational Thing?
The fact that we approach parenthood with such high expectations is not surprising. We are the first generation in human history where "having it all" was not only possible, but what we expected. And until we became parents, it was quite often the reality we made for ourselves. Reconciling the perfectionist/have-it-all philosophy with the parent who has to make trade-offs is very difficult for us. Here"s what one writer had to say about it: "Unfortunately, it"s not until you"ve had children that you discover how selfish you actually are. That"s one of the paradoxical aspects of becoming a parent: at the very same time you realize precisely how selfish you are, you are forced to become less selfi sh. "1 From Benign Neglect to Anger and Resentment: Marriage in a Vicious Cycle Marriage in a Vicious Cycle (Hey, Wasn"t This Chapter Supposed to Be about Happiness?) Marriage on Autopilot/Self-Neglect situations or harboring a bad att.i.tude can degenerate into a situations or harboring a bad att.i.tude can degenerate into a Vicious Cycle Vicious Cycle. We don"t realize how easy it is for these We don"t realize how easy it is for these issues to spiral out of control at this stage of life. issues to spiral out of control at this stage of life. One partner"s unhappiness contributes to the other"s and we both start to take our frustrations out on each other. There is no technical starting point. Once we"re in a Vicious Cycle it doesn"t really matter who started it, because it takes two to keep it going. Here"s what it can look like: Balancing Priorities One partner"s unhappiness contributes to the other"s and we both start to take our frustrations out on each other. There is no technical starting point. Once we"re in a Vicious Cycle it doesn"t really matter who started it, because it takes two to keep it going. Here"s what it can look like: Balancing Priorities 249.
"My husband and I spent the first year of Charlie"s life in a state of perpetual aggravation. We were both really, really angry.
Bitter. It was about all the stuff you"ve been talking about here: him wanting s.e.x and me not wanting it, me counting up all the things he "just didn"t get" and wouldn"t help out with, him feeling rejected, me feeling ignored. After a while, you almost start to look for it-to look for the things the other person does that prove, once again, how it"s all his or her fault. I was jealous of his job, and really p.i.s.sed that he expected me to do everything around the house. He was p.i.s.sed that I complained so much and never seemed to be happy. Neither one of us wanted to leave the marriage, but we thought we were in big trouble. We"ve worked a lot of this out now, but it took a long time."
-Gwen, married 11 years, 3 kids s.e.xual Disconnect Nagging/Withdrawal Self/Couple Neglect Communication breaks down, relationship Husband deteriorates, couple initiates s.e.x drifts apart The Vicious Cycle Wife feels husband Husband doesn"t help enough avoids wife and/or doesn"t try to connect with her Wife rejects husband 250.
No one wants to end up in a Vicious Cycle, so what are the signs that you might be drifting out of autopilot into low-burn resentment or even bold-faced anger?
You Play the Blame Game It"s all his or her fault. When we start blaming our spouse for our unhappiness: "If only he"d do the dishes, I"d be happy," or, "If only she"d put out a little more often, I"d be happy," we"re headed for trouble. It"s not that big a leap to "If only I were married to someone else, I"d be happy."
You Become a Bas.e.m.e.nt Dweller/Potential p.o.r.n Addict/Book Club Refugee Addict/Book Club Refugee When we stop focusing on each other, important physical and emotional needs go unmet. When their other half seems too busy, too tired, or too annoyed to care, both men and women look for ways to fill the void.
A lot of men become Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers. They retreat into their self-made caves and spend all their free time down there playing with their electronic toys (among other things . . .) to avoid the "cold fi sh" upstairs.
If a guy"s bas.e.m.e.nt looks like Circuit City, he"s probably not getting much s.e.x or anything else from his wife.
s.e.xually deprived men will go to extraordinary lengths to fi ll the physical void as well. They"ll even agree to have more children if they think it"s going to get them laid a few times. So a Potential p.o.r.n Addict Potential p.o.r.n Addict getting his dollar bills and credit card number ready for the strip clubs and Internet p.o.r.n should come as no surprise to anyone. A husband channeling all his s.e.xual energy into a computer screen spells trouble. getting his dollar bills and credit card number ready for the strip clubs and Internet p.o.r.n should come as no surprise to anyone. A husband channeling all his s.e.xual energy into a computer screen spells trouble.
Women will, of course, also look for ways to fill the emotional gap.
Sometimes we immerse ourselves in the kids. Or we become Book Club Book Club Refugees Refugees. We"ll seek out the understanding and empathy we need from other social outlets like a book club where husbands and their various annoying behaviors are the main topic of conversation, not great (or even mediocre) works of literature.
You Ponder an Affair Having an affair is a huge jump to make. But thinking thinking about it is not inconceivable when there"s an emotional void in marriage. Sweet Gina in Balancing Priorities about it is not inconceivable when there"s an emotional void in marriage. Sweet Gina in Balancing Priorities 251.
Accounts Payable, or the tennis coach, or the work colleague in the San Francisco office suddenly appears in our mind"s eye. Maybe they they might fulfill all the things we are missing in our relationship? might fulfill all the things we are missing in our relationship?
You Become "That Couple in the Restaurant"
You know, the ones with nothing to talk about. There"s a country song for every situation in life. When you start humming, "Is It Cold in Here, or Is It Just You?" you know you"re in trouble.
The D-Train Of course there are plenty of truly bad marriages out there. But maybe yours isn"t one of them. Some marriages are just imperfect: they"re suffering from neglect, or low-burn resentment, or any of the other problems we"ve talked about in this book. It might seem like a marriage is faltering, when in reality it"s imminently salvageable.
The Myth of Gina in Accounts Payable Plenty of people are tempted into that "gra.s.s is always greener" way of thinking. They figure that life would be better if they leave Nest A to either strike out on their own, or find another mate and set up Nest B. way of thinking. They figure that life would be better if they leave Nest A to either strike out on their own, or find another mate and set up Nest B.
Guys, Gina in Accounts Payable just might be the perfect woman: the nymphomaniac who also really understands you. And hey, girls, what about Dave, your kids" handsome pediatrician? Newly divorced. Nice suits. He just might be the sensitive guy who won"t pressure you to have s.e.x and can whip up a delicious Lobster Newburgh at the drop of a hat.
Let"s Take a Ride on the D-Train, Shall We?
If there are times when hopping on that D-Train sounds like an option you want to consider, maybe stop a minute to think about where it"s headed. It"s a train that runs straight to Vegas It"s a train that runs straight to Vegas. Let"s say a woman leaves her husband and starts playing house with the doctor. What are the odds that he"ll actually prefer doing the dishes to doing her? Let"s say the guy divorces his wife and marries Gina. More than likely, she"ll want to pro-252 create as well, so a couple of kids later, he"ll fi nd himself right back where he"ll fi nd himself right back where he started he started. Imagine that. Now he has two "nests" to tend, another un-h.o.r.n.y hausfrau, and a ton of baggage. The cold, hard truth is that Bird B might be just as fallible and imperfect as Bird A.
"I watched some of my work colleagues make the same mistakes over and over. They would marry a woman, have a couple of kids, cheat on her, leave the first wife to marry the girlfriend, have a couple of kids, cheat on her, and so on and so on. Some of them married and divorced two and three times and had fi ve and six kids. These guys never matured. They never understood what marriage and commitment were all about. They kept trying to get back to the romantic, fanciful stage. But they just wound up in the exact same place. Most of them ended up alone and fi nancially ruined."
-Tom, married 42 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids The three of us are not here to moralize. We obviously don"t know anyone"s particular set of marital circ.u.mstances. We"re just saying that taking a crack at making Nest A a better place to be might be another option to consider. The three of us are not here to moralize. We obviously don"t know anyone"s particular set of marital circ.u.mstances. We"re just saying that taking a crack at making Nest A a better place to be might be another option to consider.
S O LUTI O N S.
"Every person in every marriage should wake up every day and say to themselves, "This is a choice. I choose to be married. I choose to be happy." You can"t take it for granted. You must be proactive. This is my relationship and this is my life and I will get out of it what I put into it."
-Richard, married 11 years, 3 kids "Most people are about as happy as they choose to be."
-Abraham Lincoln So how about you, has your happiness taken a hit since you became a parent? Or are you generally in a pretty good place, even on those days when you want to strangle Barney and all his furry friends?
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Thinking Inside the Box We accept that the constraints that come with having kids are part of the deal. Unless we"re holding on to the "sell the children to the gypsies" idea as a reserve option, we"re pretty well stuck inside the box. But we do have a choice about how we react to how our lives have changed.
1. We can wallow in blame or self-pity and limp through our remain-ing fifty years under the weight of the giant chip on our shoulders.
2. We can throw in the towel and leave our marriage.
3. We can be proactive. We can choose to be happy and figure out what we need to do to get there.
We don"t know about the rest of you, but we thought we"d give Door Number 3 a try here.
The Duty to Be Happy (Happiness Is Serious Business) Happiness may be more than a choice, actually. Duty is a pretty strong word for it, but that"s exactly what it is. When we have kids, personal happiness is a responsibility, not a luxury. We all need to cultivate our own happiness in order to be happy in our marriages, Happiness may be more than a choice, actually. Duty is a pretty strong word for it, but that"s exactly what it is. When we have kids, personal happiness is a responsibility, not a luxury. We all need to cultivate our own happiness in order to be happy in our marriages, and and to be good parents. We call it to be good parents. We call it The Trickle Down Theory of Familial Happiness The Trickle Down Theory of Familial Happiness: Happy The Route to Happiness The Route to Happiness 254.
Self-Happy Marriage-Happy Family (i.e., happy kids). Here"s why: if we are unhappy, it can suck the life out of our marriage and take innocence and joy from our kids" childhoods. We can wind up taking the whole ship down with us.
We"ll even take this duty idea a step further. We also each have a duty to facilitate our spouse"s happiness. Not only do they deserve our best efforts to help them to be happy, but if either spouse"s unhappy state leads to divorce, we might handicap our kids" happiness, too. So, hey, no pressure or anything.
"I realized a few years into our marriage that I"m Ross"s best shot at happiness. What I "let" him do, whether or not I support his dreams and help to make them happen, determines whether or not he"s going to be happy in life. We all have so much power over our spouse"s lives. It"s not just about "me." It"s about "us." "
-Stacie, married 9 years, 3 kids The BPYM BPYM Guide to Happiness Guide to Happiness So how do we do it? The first step is to identify what we need in order to be happy, and then make those activities a priority. As Stephen Covey would say, " So how do we do it? The first step is to identify what we need in order to be happy, and then make those activities a priority. As Stephen Covey would say, "The main thing is to make the main thing the main thing. "2 "2 Just as important, we really do need to "have it all." Balance is essential. We might be making it to the gym every other day but if we haven"t hung out with friends in months we"ll probably feel pretty off-kilter. There are a few key areas that one might consider fundamental to leading a life well-lived: Health, Marriage, Parenthood, Relationships, and Self-Actualization (work, hobbies, volunteer efforts, etc.). All these "cups" need to stay relatively full.
"Well, how on earth are we going to do that?" you ask. Good question. We"ve wondered the same thing ourselves, especially on those nights when we can barely manage to wash our faces before collapsing into bed.
There"s no easy way around this one. The only way we can figure this out is to be strategic and disciplined about how we use our time. We have to (1) use it wisely and well-on the things that really matter-and (2) fi nd ways to make more time for the essentials by cutting out the things that don"t don"t really matter. really matter.
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Balancing Priorities 255.
The Balancing Act How to Live Happily Ever After in Four Easy Steps (Ha!) Step One: Make a happiness short list. Step One: Make a happiness short list. (Avoid a case of self-neglect). (Avoid a case of self-neglect).
What do you need to have in your life in order to be happy? What are the things that really matter to you?
Step Two: Your spouse gets to make one, too. Because if he or she isn"t happy, you won"t be either. Because if he or she isn"t happy, you won"t be either.
Step Three: Water the houseplant (Avoid a case of couple-neglect). (Avoid a case of couple-neglect).
Compare your lists and figure out a plan of action.
Step Four: What should give? In other words, stop doing things that aggravate the situation. Think of it as a diet (boo). Some things will have to go (but they are bad att.i.tudes and low-value activities, so you won"t mind). In other words, stop doing things that aggravate the situation. Think of it as a diet (boo). Some things will have to go (but they are bad att.i.tudes and low-value activities, so you won"t mind).
Step One: The Happiness Short List What Do You Need?
Know thyself. It"s not just what we like to do, or want to do-we could all come up with lists a mile long on that one. It"s knowing what really really and truly recharges us and truly recharges us. Regular self-maintenance is vital to our happiness.
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What do we need need to make us feel like we"re living a life, not treading water? For some it"s a good book; for others it"s a good walk; for most men, it"s a good you-know-what. What do to make us feel like we"re living a life, not treading water? For some it"s a good book; for others it"s a good walk; for most men, it"s a good you-know-what. What do you you need, on a daily, weekly, monthly, or annual basis, to sustain your happiness? need, on a daily, weekly, monthly, or annual basis, to sustain your happiness?
* "Staying connected with good friends and family in Ireland," said Cathy.
* "Self-actualization, doing something for myself-like working on this book with interesting people that I like," said Stacie.
* "Brain Food: books, movies, going to see someone speak, etc.," said Julia.
* Doing "girl stuff " or "guy stuff " on a regular basis: book club, poker night, (or, if you live in Texas, "going to the shooting range and drinking beer," as our friend Dan suggested).
* "Red wine and goat cheese," said our more cultivated friend Paul.
* "Time alone," said our introverted friend Allison.
* Exercise. "If I don"t exercise, I go nuts. That"s pretty much the only thing I do for myself, but I put it above a lot of other things and go thirty minutes, three days a week," said Emily.
And, let"s not forget the universal key to personal happiness: sleep sleep.
"I know that when I start feeling annoyed, it usually just means I need to take a walk alone, call a friend, or hang out with Mike a little more. Simple and not earth-shattering stuff. I get amazed that the smallest amounts of self-care seem to do the trick in our household."
-Cathy, married 7 years, 2 kids Step Two: Your Spouse Gets to Make One, Too What we need as individuals is just one part of the equation. We also need to understand what makes our spouse happy, a) because they deserve it, and b) because if they aren"t happy, we won"t be either. This is not just Balancing Priorities What we need as individuals is just one part of the equation. We also need to understand what makes our spouse happy, a) because they deserve it, and b) because if they aren"t happy, we won"t be either. This is not just Balancing Priorities 257.
our opinion. Happiness experts have weighed in with the same idea. A recent study of over 10,000 married people showed that, "A married man is significantly more satisfied with his life when his wife becomes more satisfied with hers, and vice versa."3 The same study also showed that happiness is contagious. It can overflow from one spouse to the other, even when one spouse has dire health or financial problems. "Married people have become more satisfied with their lives over the years merely because their spouses have become happier with theirs."
Step Three: Water the Houseplant "When you are partners, you can survive anything. You have to make that your goal. You put each other first and everything else falls in line."
-Karen, married 30 years, 3 kids We love each other. We have kids together. We hitched our stars to each others" wagons a long time ago. Our kids mean the world to us, but the Our kids mean the world to us, but the marriage has to be a priority, too. marriage has to be a priority, too. A little water keeps the houseplant thriving. A little water keeps the houseplant thriving.
Man the Controls: Avoid, or Get Out of, Autopilot Regular marriage maintenance is all that"s needed. Regular marriage maintenance is all that"s needed.
Make Time for Each Other"s Needs Help each other have it all, don"t compete with each other to have it all. Take out your happiness short lists and compare notes. How different are they? Take out your happiness short lists and compare notes. How different are they?
Do they make you wonder how you"ve managed to stay married so long?
In the process of figuring out how to give each other some of what we need (he gets to do his dirt-bike thing on Sat.u.r.day morning; she can go shoe shopping on Sunday afternoon), we build tremendous goodwill that will fuel the marriage. As simple as it sounds, these feelings can kick-start a marriage out of Autopilot and keep the Vicious Cycles away.
"Melinda really needs time with her friends. I used to get annoyed by that, but then I figured it out. If she misses a couple 258 258 of book clubs in a row, she is harder to deal with. It is better for me to make sure that she can go."
-Bobby, married 7 years, 1 kid "I finally realized Jay needs his alone time since he never has any during the week. The stuff he loves to do: running, golf, gardening are all solitary pursuits. I"ve learned to give him that instead of demanding he be "fully present" all weekend.
And I think he"s learned that I need more couple time than he naturally would, so he"s making an effort to be more engaged in our relationship more often."
-Vanessa, married 7 years, 2 kids Make Time for Each Other A little water goes a long way. It really is as simple as a regular date night, a hug and a kiss at the end of a long day, or a thoughtful note at the bottom of the e-mail about the 401Ks. If we"re not talking about running the empire, we"re talking about the kids. Being slightly baby-crazy is normal, but it"s hard to sustain a marriage when our whole adult relationship is defined by being parents, and we let our happiness and/or tension be tied up in the kids. It"s tricky, though. We love them so much, we can get carried away.
Practice Virtuous Acts Otherwise known as extending the olive branch (or the whole d.a.m.n tree), Virtuous Acts Virtuous Acts are the selfless actions we take for the benefit of our marriages, even when we are feeling far from virtuous. are the selfless actions we take for the benefit of our marriages, even when we are feeling far from virtuous.
These acts often run counter to our emotional instincts, so even though they"re baby steps, they seem to require Herculean effort. Try telling a tired mom she needs to muster the energy for a quick Five-Minute Fix at the end of the day. You might as well suggest she hop a fl ight on over to Nepal and give Mt. Everest a quick scaling before she hits the hay.
Try telling a man who"s been rebuffed for weeks that he just needs to take his haggard wife out for one more dinner at the local Chinese restaurant.
Watch him roll his eyes and say, "but I tried that already and it got me a whole lotta nothin"."
Balancing Priorities 259.
We"ve learned, however, that when we each make some effort, we can can break the cycle. When we acknowledge that our spouse is working hard for us, it makes it easier to work for them. We get what we give. We reap what we sow. In the grand scheme of things, break the cycle. When we acknowledge that our spouse is working hard for us, it makes it easier to work for them. We get what we give. We reap what we sow. In the grand scheme of things, these efforts really aren"t that these efforts really aren"t that hard, yet their impact is tremendous hard, yet their impact is tremendous. If you"re feeling less than altruistic, another way to think about them is just changing your tactics to get what you want.
Virtuous Acts for Men *
Ask her out on a date. Try this: "I want to spend time with you because you are beautiful and smart and I"m still attracted to you. Let"s go out and have dinner Sat.u.r.day." Try this: "I want to spend time with you because you are beautiful and smart and I"m still attracted to you. Let"s go out and have dinner Sat.u.r.day."
Plan family fun. Initiate and orchestrate a family activity, rather than (or at least prior to) your own escape attempt. Initiate and orchestrate a family activity, rather than (or at least prior to) your own escape attempt.