To: [email protected] From: Tony Salerno Subject: You really blew it Dude, remember how you gave me your email address and told me to send you that recipe for my rigatoni bolognese so you could surprise Mel with it? Well, I don"t think you"re going to be needing it. Because from what I"m hearing, you are in the doghouse, but good. So what"s the deal? Max Friedlander paid you to tell Mel you were him or something? Because that is what the girls are saying. I do not know what is up with you, but you had better start sandbagging, because you are in for some heavy artillery fire. Either that, or get out of there, dude. Seriously. Save yourself, because it"s all going to start coming down, but good. Just thought I"d give you a heads up.Tone To: Max Friedlander
From: John Trent Subject: No, YOU are the dead man What are you trying to do to me? Are you CRAZY? How did Mel find out about all this? You want to talk about uncool? I will tell you what"s uncool: YOU are. I swear to G.o.d, Friedlander, you better not set foot in this city ever again, because if you do, I can guarantee I will find you, and when I do, you will regret the day you were ever born.John To: John Trent From: Stacy Trent Subject: WHAT"S HAPPENING?????Why isn"t anyone telling me anything? Jason says something is wrong. What is it?
Aren"t you supposed to be in Vermont?
d.a.m.n these cramps....
To: John Trent From: Max Friedlander Subject: Quit your whining
You owed me one, remember? Anyway, it isn"t my fault. It was Vivica. She did it. She apparently emailed your girl. I can see the message in my outbox. Want to see it? Here is it, and I must say, it"s a brilliant testament to the inadequacies of your public school systems:
She goes on ad nauseum in this vein, but I thought I"d spare you. You can"t honestly tell me you"re upset about this. *I"m* the one whose a.s.s is gra.s.s here. If that b.i.t.c.h of an aunt of mine wakes up and hears about this, I am dead meat. Every cent she has will go straight to the ASPCA when she croaks. You can bet I won"t see a penny of it. Not that it matters. It"s time I took care of this once and for all, the way I should have from the beginning. So who knows? You might be seeing me sooner than you think. And as for that threat about me regretting the day I was born, I have one word for you: Alimony. I saved you from years and years of it, buddy. So don"t you forget it.
Max To: Stacy Trent From: John Trent Subject: Things aren"t going too well right now, in answer to your question. Mel found out about the whole posing as Max Friedlander thing before I had the chance to tell her myself, and let"s just say she"s not too happy about it. In fact, she isn"t speaking to me. I could really use some advice right now, but no one is answering the phone at your place. Oh, well. I guess I just have to do what I should have done in the first place: tell her the truth. Here goes.John To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: The truth All right. You won"t answer the door. You won"t pick up the phone. I KNOW you"re there. If this is the only way I"m going to be able to get through to you, then so be it. Mel, I screwed up. Okay? I really, really screwed up, and I know it. I should have just told you the truth from the beginning, but I didn"t. I can"t tell you how many times I almost did just that--told you the truth, I mean. A thousand times. A million. But every time I started to, I knew--I just knew--you were going to react this way, and I didn"t want to spoil what we have together, because, Mel, what we have is so great. Are you really going to throw it away because I made one stupid--okay, ma.s.sively idiotic-mistake?It isn"t as if I purposefully set out with the intention of deceiving you. Well, that"s not exactly true. I did, but when I did it, it wasn"t as if I knew you. I mean, I get this call from Max, and all he wants is this one thing--to trick his aunt"s neighbors into thinking he was taking care of her business while she was in the hospital--and I thought why not? I did owe the guy. I figured it was a virtually painless way to pay him back for a favor he did me a long time ago. You don"t know Max Friedlander--the real Max Friedlander--but believe me, he"s not somebody you want holding something over your head--like a favor you owe him-because he"s likely to call you on it when you least expect it, and generally in a not very pleasant manner. How was I supposed to know that while pretending to be Max Friedlander, I was going to meet the girl of my dreams? I know I should have told you from the start, but I didn"t, and then before I knew it, I was in love with you, and I couldn"t tell you, because I didn"t want to lose you. I swear I was going to tell you this weekend. Mel, this is ridiculous. I know what I did was wrong, but I never meant it to hurt you. I mean, you *must* know that. You know * me*, regardless of what my name is. So you must know I would never purposefully hurt you. Now open your door and let me in so I can apologize in person. Mel, I promise I can make this all right again, if you"d just let me.
John To: [email protected] From:Mel Fuller Subject: The truth You tell me you want me to open my door and let you in, but the fact is, I don"t know who you are. I don"t even know your last name. Do you realize that? And you might as well quit knocking, because I am not letting you in. For all I know, you could be an escaped convict or married or something.To: Mel Fuller From: John Trent Subject: The truth I"m not married, and I"m not an escaped convict. My name is John Trent, and I"m acrime reporter for the New York Chronicle. That"s why you ran into me by the sinkholethat day--I was at work when it happened. And I know how you feel about the Chronicle, but Mel, I swear to you, if it bothers you that much, I"ll quit. I"ll do anything, anything you want, if you"ll forgive me.To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Well?Did you call him? Has he apologized? More importantly, HAS HE GIVEN YOU THE RING YET? Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: The Apology Oh, he apologized, all right. For what it"s worth. And no, he hasn"t given me the ring yet. If it even is a ring. Which I doubt. And as if I"d even take it, if it was.Get this: You know who he is? You know who he really is? You"ll never guess.Go on. Try. Try and guess who he really is.Mel
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: How am I supposed to know who he really is? He can"t be the transvest.i.te killer, I know that, since they justarrested a guy for that. He"s not, oh, I don"t know, a professional mime, or something, ishe? Oh, wait, I know: he"s your long lost illegitimate brother.Just kidding. Come on, Mel, how bad can it be?
Nad
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Bad Worse than a mime. Worse than my illegitimate half-brother. He"s a reporter. With the Chronicle .Mel To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: George Sanchez Subject: Where the h.e.l.l is Fuller? She better not be in the Ladies. I swear to G.o.d, I"m beginning to think there"s somebody in there serving lattes, you all spend so much time locked in those d.a.m.ned stalls.... Go in there and tell her I want that story on the Roberts/Bratt breakup by five.George To: George Sanchez From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Show a little compa.s.sion, will you?She just found out her boyfriend is a reporter with the Chronicle . She"s been crying hereyes out ever since. You can"t expect her to snap back like it was nothing.Please don"t tell anyone about it, either, all right? She"s in a very fragile emotional stateright now. What she needs is closure, and she"s not going to get it if everybody keepshounding her for an explanation as to why her eyes are so red.
Nadine
To: Tim Grabowski From: Jimmy Chu Subject: Mel Fuller I told you it wasn"t going to work out between the two of them.
Jim To: Jimmy Chu From: Tim Grabowski Subject: Mel Fuller No, what you actually said was that if she slept with him and it didn"t work out, she was going to have to see him every day, since he lives right next door, and that that would be very awkward. You did not actually predict this breakup. Sorry, no points for you.Tim To: Stella Markowitz From: Angie So I told you he was too old for her.
Stella
To: Angie So Subject: Mel FullerIts not his age that matters. It"s the fact that he"s--did you hear the latest?--a reporter for the Chronicle. Yes, the Chronicle !Can you believe it? Talk about sleeping with the enemy.S.
To: Adrian De Monte Subject: Mel Fuller Did you hear? It turns out that guy Mel"s been so crazy about is a reporter. With the Chronicle , no less. I guess it could have been worse. He could have turned out to be sleeping with Barbara Bellerieve all along, like the last guy she went out with.Les To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: George Sanchez Subject: Mel Fuller I don"t care if it turns out the guy"s on the FBI"s Ten Most Wanted list: She"s going to have to come out of that bathroom and deal with him, because he"s downstairs by the security desk, trying to get signed in. Go get her.G.
To: From: Mel Fuller Subject: John Trent Please do not allow John Trent access to this building. He is a reporter with the Chronicle, in addition to being a very dangerous individual. I strongly encourage the use of force in removing him from the building.Melissa Fuller Page Ten columnist The New York Journal To: Mel Fuller From: Amy Jenkins We have chosen to send the bill for that to Mr. Trent himself.
Might I suggest that it would behoove you to conduct your romantic affairs well outside the administrative offices of this newspaper? A copy of this letter has been inserted into your permanent personnel file. Have a nice day.
Amy Jenkins Human Resources Representative The New York Journal
To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: John Trent Darling, how was I to know? I mean, there he was, standing there in the lobby with that dejected look on his face, and all those roses...why, it was enough to break the heart of-Well, even *me.* And I know what you"re going to say: Dolly, *you* have a heart? Surprising, but true. Sometimes I surprise even myself. Why, just the other day, I turned Peter loose, and told him quite firmly to go back to his wife. And the fact that I heard a little rumor that his employment contract wasn"t going to be renewed didn"t have a thing to do with it. Anyway, it wasn"t was as if Security had gotten your memo. About John, I mean. They said it came just moments after my signing him in. Really, sweetie, what harm did I do? So he pestered you a little. I for one quite enjoyed the performance. You have to admit, he was quite impa.s.sioned. I had no idea blue-bloods like the Trents were capable of such violent emotion. I think Aaron"s going to lose several of his teeth. Well, the silly nudge shouldn"t have tried to stop him from getting to your cubicle like that. Still, it is always so delicious to have two men fighting over one, isn"t it? But do you really think it was *wise* to throw that Tiffany"s box he tried to give you back at him? There"s no telling what might have been in there. With his kind of money, it was probably three carats, at least. I do hope you aren"t going to be as unforgiving towards me as you"re being towards that unfortunate young man.x.x.xOOO Dolly To: Dolly Vargas From: Mel Fuller Subject: John Trent Dolly- What did you mean when you wrote, blue-bloods like the Trents? And what money? John doesn"t have any money. All of his credit cards are maxed out. You must be mistaking him for somebody else. Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Au contraire You are too precious. Are you trying to tell me you don"t know that your John is one of the Park Avenue Trents? I thought that was why you were so angry with him--I mean, aside from the whole pretending-to-be-Max- Friedlander thing. After all, he introduced you to his grandmother at that Lincoln Center benefit you reported on last month. Although now that I think of it, I suppose he didn"t tell you she was his grandmother, did he? On account of his pretending to be Max. Oh, dear. No wonder you"re so angry. He did make a bit of a fool of you, didn"t he? His credit cards were maxed out, he said? Well, I"m sure he only told you that so he wouldn"t have to pull one out. His cover would have been blown for sure if that had happened, don"t you think? Supposing you see the John Trent on his Platinum Am Ex, instead of the Max Friedlander you were expecting? I have to admit, it"s a typical Trent trick. You know half their clan is in jail--John"s own father amongst them. And the rest of them are in rehab. Goodness, what chance did a smalltown girl like you have amongst them? John"s the worst, from what I hear--he got a job as a crime reporter so he could go slumming whenever he felt like it, and not arouse suspicion that he"s one of them. The Park Avenue Trents, I mean. Why, I hear from Victoria Arbuthnot, who used to go out with him, you know, that he"s even pretending to be working on a novel. Poor little Mel. You should have kept the Tiffany"s box. Whatever was in it, you deserve it, for all embarra.s.sment he"s put you through. Oh, well. I hear there"s a sale at Barney"s. Want to go? I"ll buy you a scarf. It might cheer you up....x.x.xOOO Dolly To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: That"s it.This is war.
He thinks just because he"s a Trent of the Park Avenue Trents, he can trick people, and use them for his own amus.e.m.e.nt, and get away with it? Not this time. n.o.body goes slumming with a Fuller of the Lansing, Illinois, Fullers. n.o.body.
John Trent is about to get what"s coming to him, but good.
Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: I almost hesitate to ask but what are you talking about?
This doesn"t have anything to do with Dolly, does it? I mean, Mel, consider the source before you do anything rash.
Nadine
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: It"s easy for you to talk You weren"t the one worrying about how much money he was spending, and how he was ever going to get out of debt. You weren"t the one who introduced yourself to his grandmother, and didn"t even know that"s who she was. You weren"t the one who bragged about him to your mother. You weren"t the one who thought that finally, at last, you"d met that rarest of all things, a man who wasn"t afraid of commitment, a man who seemed utterly and sincerely devoted to you, a man who was completely different than all the other man you"d ever dated before, a man who didn"t lie, didn"t cheat, who seemed genuinely to love you. You weren"t the one whose heart got completely stomped on. But never fear. I am a reporter, Nadine. I always check my sources before I run with any story.Mel To: John Trent From: Aaron Spender Dear Mr. Trent: This letter serves to inform you of my intention to pursue litigation against you for the pain and suffering, as well as the medical costs, incurred when you struck me in the face in my place of employment. It might interest to you know that as a result of your vicious and unprovoked attack, I have already endured extensive dental surgery which will require additional follow-up, I am informed, in the form of two dental implants through the course of multiple visits over a 12 month period at a cost in excess of $10,000. Moreover, to insure that such an incident is not repeated, my counsel advises that I also pursue a restraining order against you, which I can a.s.sure you I am pursuing. I am encouraging Miss Fuller to do the same, as it was in her defense that I first laid hands upon you. It was quite clear that Miss Fuller did not welcome your advances, and I personally consider you a coward and a cad to have confronted her in such a manner inher place of work. Furthermore, I happen to hold a brown belt in tai kwan do, and it was only due to my concern of injuring innocent bystanders that I did not give you the thrashing you so roundly deserved.
Aaron Spender Senior Correspondent The New York Journal To: Aaron Spender Subject: pending lawsuit Bite me.To: Michael Everett From: George Sanchez Subject: Trent Mike- You better start keeping your boy Trent on a leash. He was over here the other day raising all sorts of h.e.l.l. Took out a few of Spender"s molars. Not that I mind--now at least I don"t have to listen to the b.a.s.t.a.r.d whine about how come I won"t give him a paid leave of absence to go to Africa and do a story about endangered chinchillas, or whatever the h.e.l.l cause it is he"s spouting off about this week. Still, I can"t be having the teeth knocked out of my senior correspondents. Strongly encourage him to give this thing he"s got for my gossip columnist a rest. She"s a good kid, and doesn"t need the aggravation.Best, George PS Love to Joan and the boys.
To: Mel Fuller From: Tim Grabowski Subject: John Trent Honey, I know you"re just as mad as a bee caught under a pickle jar at the moment, but really, don"t you think you ought to take a deep breath and THINK a minute? This guy, who, I"ll admit, behaved in a fairly Animal House manner, nevertheless was the light of your life for quite a little while. Do you really want to throw away all you two had together just because the guy pulled one inane fratboy prank? He didn"t mean to hurt you. He was trying to do his friend a favor. I mean, come on, Mel. I could understand you"re wanting to make him squirm for a bit, but this is getting ridiculous. Besides, do you have any idea how RICH John Trent is? Dolly was telling me all about it at lunch yesterday. The guy is LOADED. I mean, millions, all his own, left to him by his granddaddy. And sweetie, the Trents have houses all over the place, the Cape and Palm Springs and Boca and Nova Scotia--you name it. Just think what fun you"d have, installing satellite TV in all of them. You know, forgiveness is divine. Just a hint.
Tim To: Tim Grabowski From: Mel Fuller Subject: John Trent And I could invite all my close personal friends up to spend the weekend in thosevacation homes, right? Forget it, Tim. You are so transparent.Besides, if you"d listened closely to Dolly, you"d have been able to read between thelines: Trents don"t marry Fullers. They just use them for their own entertainment.M.
To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tim Grabowski Subject: Mel Something has got to be done about Mel. She is blowing this thing with poor Mr. Trent way out of proportion. I"ve never seen her like this. I have to say, I"m glad I never got on her bad side. She certainly knows how to hold a grudge. I guess we should have known, her being a redhead and all. I"m thinking she needs to be referred to counseling. You agree?Tim To: Tim Grabowski From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Mel Tim, she"s angry, not insane. Anger management cla.s.ses, maybe, but counseling? The guy LIED to her, Tim. Outright lied. It doesn"t matter why he did it, the fact that he did it is enough. Don"t you know how shaky Mel"s trust in men has been ever since Aaron revealed his true colors? Heck, even before that, she was convinced they were all out for one thing, and one thing alone. And now this guy, the first guy she"s really liked in a long time, turns out to be exactly like all those other guys she"s gone out with since moving here: a lying pig. I don"t know. Wouldn"t YOU be mad, if it were you?Nad To: Mel Fuller From: Aaron Spender I want you to know that I understand exactly how you"re feeling right now. That Trent fellow is the lowest of the low, a perfect example of the privileged rich taking advantage of the working poor. He doesn"t care about what happens to any of us, so long as he can get what he wants. Men like Trent have no conscience--they are what is known as alpha males, grasping individuals who have absolutely no interest in anything beyond their own immediate gratification. Well, I want to a.s.sure you, Melissa, that in spite of what you may be feeling at the moment, not all of us possessors of the Y chromosome are selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, thinking only of ourselves. Some of us have deeply rooted feelings of respect and admiration for the women in our lives. I, for instance, will always have feelings for you, feelings that are as genuine as they are unwavering. I want you to know, Melissa, that I will always, always be here for you-- even though foul troglodytes like Trent might try to break my spirit--not to mention my jaw. If there is anything--anything at all--that I can do for you now, in your hours of greatest need, please do not hesitate to ask, Melissa.
Faithfully yours, for now, and always, Aaron To: Aaron Spender Subject: You Bite me.To: John Trent From: Genevieve Randolph Trent Subject: Your new nephew Dearest John, It might interest you to know that your sister-in-law gave birth to a nine-pound baby boy two days ago. His parents have-- misguidedly, in my opinion--chosen to christen the child John. You would already know this, of course, if you ever bothered calling anyone in your family, but that, I suppose, would be asking entirely too much of an enterprising young man like yourself. Mother and son are doing fine. The same cannot be said for your brother, who has been home alone with the twins while Stacy is in the hospital. You might wish to give him a call and offer some fraternal support.
Sincerely, Mim To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: My namesake You shouldn"t have. I really mean that. I"m a rotten brother, and I"ll be an even more rotten uncle to the kid. I can"t believe I missed the whole thing.Anyway, congratulations. Nine pounds, huh? No wonder Stacy was so cranky at the endthere. There"s a little package from Harry Winston coming her way. It"s the least Icould do for all the advice she"s given me over the past few months.
Not, of course, that it did much good. I still managed to botch everything, but good. Youwere right about no woman being forgiving enough to let something like this go. Shewon"t even speak to me. I went by her office, and it was a disaster. Her idiot ex-boyfriend tried to play the hero, and I decked him one. Now he"s suing me. I tried togive her the ring, and she threw it back in my face without even opening the box.That"s not even the worst of it. She had Mrs. Friedlander"s locks changed. I couldn"teven get back into the building to get my things without being escorted by the super--whois sympathetic, but who pointed out that, as I am not actually related to the apartment"sowner, he cannot issue me my own key.
So I"m back at my place, and now I can"t even see her. I don"t know what she"s doing, orwho with. I suppose I could go stand in front of the building, and catch her when shecomes out to walk the dog, or go to work, or whatever, but what would I say? What can I say?I just don"t get it. All I did was lie about my name. That was it. Why would somethinglike that make her so mad? There are men all over this island who tell way biggerwhoppers every day, and their wives and girlfriends forgive them. How"d I end up withthe one to whom a lie is tantamount to murder, or something?Well, sorry about that. I didn"t mean to bring you down during this happy time.Congratulations, and give John Jr. a big kiss from me. I"ll be up to see him this weekend.It"s not like I"m going to have any other plans.
John