To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: Ring?What ring? Earrings, I said. Buy her earrings. Not a ring. What ring are you talking about?
J.
To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: The Ring I know you said earrings. But I bought her a ring. An engagement ring.And no, this isn"t like the time in Vegas. I have not been perpetually drunk for the past three months. I genuinely believe that this woman, out of all the women I have ever known, is the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I was going to tell her the truth, and then propose, in Vermont. Only that b.a.s.t.a.r.d Friedlander had to screw the whole thing up. Now she won"t answer my phone calls, open her door, or reply to my emails. My life is over.John To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: My G.o.d I leave you alone for a week, and you manage to make a shambles of your life. How isthat possible? All right, meet me at my office for lunch tomorrow. Between the two of us, we should be able to come up with some idea as to how to fix this.Hey, we"re Trents, aren"t we?
Jason
To: Sebastian Leandro From: Max Friedlander Subject: Look, dude It"s been weeks since I heard from you. Have you got anything for me, or not?Don"t try to reach me in Key West. I"m headed back to New York. You can reach me atmy aunt"s place. You"ve got the number. I"m crashing there until I can get back on myfeet again. I mean, why not? She"s sure as h.e.l.l not using it.
Max
To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: I realize that you"ve been crippled with grief over your boyfriend"s heinous betrayal and all that, but are you going to turn in a column for tomorrow"s paper, or aren"t you? Maybe you think we should just print a big blank s.p.a.ce with the words Down With Men in the middle of it. That"d sure make us look like professionals, huh? We"d certainly out-sell the Chronicle then, wouldn"t we? GET ME THAT COLUMN!!!!!
G.
To: George Sanchez From: Mel Fuller Subject: Calm down, George Attachment: Page Ten, issue 3,784, volume 234 I sent the column down to the copy desk hours ago. I didn"t want to bother you with it. You were busy yelling at Dolly for failing to complete her a.s.signment on Christina Aguilera--Victim or Soulless Sellout? I"ve attached a copy of tomorrow"s Page Ten for your enjoyment. And unless you intend to stop the presses, it"s going to run, since Peter Hargrave himself gave it his seal of approval. He was in here waiting for Dolly, so I ran it past him. Hope you don"t mind. Enjoy!Mel Attachment: Page Ten, issue 3,784, volume 234 for 1st AM, WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE question mark, Mel Fuller, w/ exhibits, 1) photo Vivica, 2) photo Trent Capital Management building, you have in rack WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE?.
Tired of watching five to ten percent of your hard-earned pay disappear into that 401K every month, girls? Why not try accruing capital the old-fashioned way? There"s a millionaire bachelor out there who"s sick of the single life, and is actively seeking a bride. That"s right, you heard it here first. The New York Journal has learned that John Randolph Trent--grandson of the late Harold Sinclair Trent, who founded Trent Capital Management, one of New York"s oldest and most revered brokerage firms--has finally decided to get hitched. The only problem? He can"t seem to find the right girl.
"I"m tired of dating models and movie starlets who are only after my money," Mr. Trent was heard to observe to a friend. "I"m looking for a woman of character and substance, an ordinary woman who doesn"t live in Beverly Hills. I would love to marry a woman from, say, Staten Island." It is for this reason that the 35 year old--who inherited a reported twenty million dollars upon the death of his grandfather--will be interviewing potential lifemates in his office at The New York Chronicle beginning at nine AM this morning. When will the interviews end?
"When I"ve found her," Mr. Trent a.s.serts. So get down to 53rd and Madison, girls, before this prince turns into a frog and hops away!
Wedding Bells for Wonder(bra) Woman Meanwhile, another New York bachelor isn"t having nearly the same trouble finding Ms. Right. Max Friedlander, 35, who is responsible for the steamy photos in last year"s Sports Ill.u.s.trated swimsuit issue, recently confided to a friend his secret engagement to supermodel Vivica, 22. Vivica, whose gorgeous visage has graced the covers of Vogue and Harper"s Bazaar, is most widely known for modeling the newest version of the Wonder Bra in last spring"s Victoria"s Secret catalog. Says Mr. Friedlander of his upcoming nuptials: "I couldn"t be happier. I am ready at last to settle down and start a family, and Vivica will make the perfect wife and mother." Vivica was not available for comment, although her publicist would not rule out the possibility of a Christmas wedding.
To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: Your future employment at this place of business The minute you get to work, report to my office, and be prepared to tell me, in one hundred words or less, why I shouldn"t fire you.
G.
To: Peter Hargraves
From: Traffic Update Subject: Congestion at 53rd and Madison New Yorkers traveling by rail should have no problems with their commute today. For all your road warriors out there, however, it"s a different story entirely. Thanks to an item appearing in the Page Ten column of today"s New York Journal , Madison Avenue from 51st to approximately 59th Streets has practically been shut down due to a line of women eager to be interviewed by bachelor millionaire John Trent. Police are urging drivers to use the FDR for any uptown travel, and avoid the midtown area altogether. This has been an automated traffic update from NEWYORKTRAVEL.COM.To: John Trent From: Michael Everett Subject: I had no idea we had such a celebrity in our midst. Would you care to invest any of that twenty million of yours towards the extra security we"ve had to hire in order to get in and out of our own building?
Mike To: Michael Everett From: John Trent Subject: What are you talking about?Look, I"ve had a really long week, moving back into my place. Can you just break it to me, whatever it is, and get it over with?
John To: John Trent From: Michael Everett Subject: Are you trying to tell me that you did not tell Mel Fuller of the Journal that you are currently seeking a bride? And that you have nothing to do with the fact that there are, by last NYPD estimates, twelve thousand women standing on the sidewalk downstairs, demanding an appointment to see you? Because if you"ll take a look at today"s Journal , that"s what it says.
Mike To: Michael Everett From: John Trent Subject: LIES!!!!All of it is lies!!!! Mike, I never said any of those things--you know I didn"t.
I can"t believe this. I"ll be right in. I"ll straighten this out, somehow, I swear it.
John
To: John Trent From: Michael Everett Subject: Hold on there pardner. Just stay where you are. We don"t need you strolling in here and causing a mob scene. Stay put until further notice.
Mike PS So ALL of it is untrue? Even the part about you being related to the Park Avenue Trents, and having millions of dollars? Joan was kind of hoping that part might be true. See, we"re trying to refinish our bas.e.m.e.nt, and.... Just kidding.
M.
To: George Sanchez From: Michael Everett Subject: Excuse me But you want me to keep MY reporter on a leash? What about yours? Mine may have loosened a couple of your senior correspondent"s teeth, but yours has created a citywide traffic jam! Did you know I couldn"t even get in to my office building today, due to the fact that it is surrounded by ten thousand screaming women--some of whom are dressed in bridal gowns--all screaming, "Pick me"? This is a hundred times worse than the sinkhole. At least with that, we couldn"t use the john. With this, we can"t get in or out of our building without being mauled by desperate single women, anxious to marry and breed before menopause hits.If Trent doesn"t sue the pants off you, you can be sure we will.Mike
To: Peter Hargraves
From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Mel Well, frankly, I think it"s a scream. And you can"t let George fire her, Peter. You approved the column, remember? Aren"t you the publisher of this paper? Doesn"t what you say go? Are you going to stand by your employee and her story, or run for the hills?Are you a man, Peter, or a mouse?x.x.xOOO.
Dolly
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: What did you do?Mel, I do not believe this. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. With a single column, you"ve managed to shut down an entire city. ARE YOU INSANE???? George is going to kill you. And don"t you think you"ve gone a little far? I mean, yes, John lied to you, and it was wrong. But you"re lying to the entire tri-state area--or at least everywhere that the Journal is readily available. Two wrongs do not make a right, Mel. Now you"re going to get fired and then you"re going to have to go home and live with your folks. And then who"s going to be my maid of honor?????
Nad :-( To: Mel Fuller From: Tony Salerno Subject: I had to ride my bike to work today because of the whole mess over there on Madison. There are women of all shapes and sizes lined up outside the Chronicle building. It"s like when they drop the ball on New Years in Times Square, only everyone is more dressed up. You should see the panicked expressions on the faces of the cops who have been called in. Some of them are wearing riot gear. Do you feel better now? I think you could safely say the two of you are even.Tone To: Mel Fuller From: Tim Grabowski Subject: I can"t believe you"ve finally started using your powers for evil, instead of good. I"m so proud I could burst. You go, girl.
Tim To: Mel Fuller From: Don and Beverly Fuller Subject: Millionaire Bachelor Honey, I just saw on the news that there"s a man in New York who is looking to marry a nice girl from Staten Island. I know you aren"t from Staten Island, but you are much prettier than all those woman they showed, standing in line. You should go right over there and sign up for an interview because I think any millionaire would just love you. And be sure to take that picture of you in your Miss Duane County Fair crown and sash! No man can resist a girl in a tiara.Mom To: John Trent From: Sergeant Paul Reese Subject: If you were that desperate
you should have said something: I have a sister who"s single.FYI: This is the first hats-and-bats alert we"ve ever had for midtown. You don"t get a lotof calls for riot masks and sticks up there by Saks. Congratulations.
Paul To: John Trent From: Genevieve Randolph Trent Subject: I am ashamed of you Of all my grandchildren, you were always the one I least expected to see in any sort of gossip column. But what does Higgins show me, first thing after breakfast? That horrid story about you and your search for a bride! Who wants to marry a millionaire, indeed! I can only a.s.sume, having read that this piece of garbage was written by none other than M. Fuller, that you have somehow managed to alienate the girl. That, my boy, was most unwise. Haven"t I always encouraged you children to treat your toys with care or they will break? I understand further that both your place of employment, and now your apartment, are under siege. If you wish, I could send Jonesy to fetch you. I hesitate to do so, of course, since it will upset the neighbors if all of those women who are currently chasing after you show up outside our doors. However, I am a.s.sured by the police commissioner, who, as you know, is an old friend, that every attempt will be made to keep the riffraff off our sidewalk. You are welcome to spend the next few days here with me, where it"s safe. I have also been a.s.sured, by Mr. Peter Hargraves, publisher of that filthy rag, that a retraction will appear within the next day or two. He offered to dismiss the girl, but I told him that would be unnecessary. I"m quite certain that she was perfectly justified, whatever her reasons for doing it. Really, John. You never did learn to play nicely with the other children. I am quite disgusted with you.
Mim To: John Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: Now you"ve done it You"ve really done it. Mim"s furious. You know how she hates any kind of publicity.I suggest you take an extended sabbatical. There isn"t a place you can go in this townwhere people aren"t talking about you. I heard they"ve even got a new sandwich: theTrent--just two slices of bread with nothing in the middle (on account of you not showingup to the "interviews"). Why don"t you come out here to visit with Stace and the girls? We"d love to have you, and you haven"t met your namesake yet. What do you say?J.
To: Jason Trent From: John Trent Subject: Thanks for the offer Mim made a similar one. But I prefer to stay here and fester in my own self-made h.e.l.l. I can"t say it hasn"t been interesting. I can"t even go down to the corner deli to buy milk without the guy behind the counter offering to introduce me to his daughter. Much as I try to claim the story about my search for a bride isn"t true, people just don"t seem to want to believe it. They like the idea of a guy being rich enough to have anything in the world except the one thing he really wants...the love of a good woman. Of course, whenever I attempt to explain that I had that, too, but that I managed to louse it up, people *really* don"t want to hear it. It"s like they can"t comprehend the fact that rich does not equal happy. It hasn"t been too bad, really. I"ve been getting a lot of work done on my novel. It"s funny, though. I actually miss that stupid dog. The cats, too. I"ve been thinking about getting one. A dog, I mean. Or maybe a cat. I don"t know. I don"t seem to be fit to a.s.sociate with humans. Not that I don"t keep on trying, though. I"ve been sending Mel flowers every day--even the day after the column appeared. But do I hear squat from her? Not a word. I imagine the sidewalk outside the office of the New York Journal is littered with all the floral arrangements of mine that she"s heaved out the window. Got to go. My Chinese food--for one--is here.John To: Mel Fuller From: John Trent Subject: You got me.All right? Are you satisfied? That column caused me untold embarra.s.sment. They still won"t let me come to work. My family is barely speaking to me. I haven"t heard from Max, but I a.s.sume he"s been duly chastened, as well. Can we be friends again?
John To: John Trent From: Mel Fuller Subject: Can we be friends again? No.To: Mel Fuller From: Human Resources Subject: Suspension Dear Melissa Fuller,
This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of the New YorkJournal , New York City"s leading photo-newspaper. Please be aware that as of today,your employment at this newspaper is suspended without pay. Your employment will bereinstated in 3 business days. This action was taken as the result of a column that you submitted without first going through the appropriate channels. Please note for future reference that all columns must be submitted through your division"s managing editor, and not sent directly to the copy desk.Melissa Fuller, we here at the New York Journal are a team. We win as a team, and loseas one, as well. Melissa Fuller , don"t you want to be on a winning team? So please doyour part to see that your work is delivered through the appropriate channels from now on!
Sincerely, The Human Resources Division The New York Journal
Please note that any future suspensions will result in dismissal.
This e-mail is confidential and should not be used by anyone who is not the original intended recipient. If you have received this e-mail in error please inform the sender and delete it from your mailbox or any other storage mechanism.
To: George Sanchez From: Mel Fuller Subject: Suspension,George? Really?Must you be so dramatic? It was only a little joke, after all. And on our chief rival. I"m shocked at your lack of amus.e.m.e.nt at all this.
Mel To: Mel Fuller From: George Sanchez Subject: For your information it was Hargrave who insisted on your suspension, not me. Not that I don"t think you deserve it. Still, what was he supposed to do? Trent"s grandmother was screaming for him to do something. It was suspend you, or print a retraction. But how can you retract gossip? You covered your b.u.t.t with the he observed to a friend which is impossible to disprove. You better be glad there"s no chance of the guy proposing to you now. You sure haven"t endeared yourself to your would-have-been in-laws.
G.
To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Suspended????Are you kidding???? Can they even do that? Oh, Mel, this has gone from bad to worse! What am I going to do without you for three days? I"m going to die of boredom! Would it help if I organized a work stoppage in protest?
Nadine To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: My suspension Now, now, it won"t be that bad. I"m sort of looking forward to it. I haven"t had any time off in a quite a while. It will give Paco and I a chance to bond again. And G.o.d knows I haven"t visited Mrs. Friedlander in the hospital for ages and ages. Not that she"s noticed, I"m sure, but still, I feel guilty about it...even if it does turn out she"s not going to be my aunt-in-law. Really, don"t worry about me. I"m fine. Honest.Mel To: Don and Beverly Fuller From: Mel Fuller Subject: Hi!I was just wondering if you knew if there were any openings at the Duane County Register. You mentioned once that you thought Mabel Flemming would be interested in hiring me as their Arts and Entertainment writer. I"ve been thinking a lot about it, and I"ve come to the conclusion that I"m really sick of the city, and would like to come home for a while. Could you let me know if Mabel still needs someone? Thanks.
Mel PS Don"t worry about me. I"m fine. Really.
To: Mel Fuller From: Don and Beverly Fuller Subject: Honey, do you mean it?You"re really thinking about coming home? Oh, Daddy and I just couldn"t be more delighted. I mean, it was all well and good for you to go to the big city and try to prove yourself, but the fact is, you"ve done that. Now it"s time for you to think about settling down, and Daddy and I are just tickled pink that you want to do it back here in good old Lansing.And I don"t want you to think we aren"t cosmopolitan, because you know just the otherday they opened up a Big Kmart! Can you believe that? A Big Kmart, right here in Lansing.Anyway, good news: I called Mabel up right away and asked her if she still needed anArts and Entertainment writer, and she said, "Heck, yeah!" The job is yours, if you want.i.t. The pay"s not much--only $12,000 a year. But honey, if you lived at home, you couldjust save all that, and then use it as a down payment on your own house when you finallydo get married. Oh, I am just pleased as punch. Do you want Daddy and I to drive out and pick you up? Dr. Greenblatt said we could use his minivan to haul all your things back in. Wasn"t that nice? You just let me know when you want to come home, and we"ll come get you lickety-split! Oh, honey, we love you so much, and can"t wait to see you!
Mommy and Daddy