The way she said it reminded me of the way winos ask for money for a cup of tea.
"I"m in the middle of work, Mum. Can"t Julio lend you some money?"
She went all huffy. "I can"t believe you"re being so mean, darling. After all I"ve done for you. I gave you the gift of life life and you can"t even loan your mother a few pounds for some travelers" checks." and you can"t even loan your mother a few pounds for some travelers" checks."
"But how am I going to get it to you? I"ll have to go out to the cash machine and put it on a motorbike. Then it will be stolen and it"ll all be ridiculous. Where are you?"
"Oooh. Well, actually, as luck would have it I"m ever so close, so if you just pop out to the NatWest opposite I"ll meet you there in five minutes," she gabbled. "Super, darling. Byee!"
"Bridget, where the f.u.c.k f.u.c.k are you off to?" yelled Richard as I tried to sneak out. "You found the Banger Bobbit Boy yet?" are you off to?" yelled Richard as I tried to sneak out. "You found the Banger Bobbit Boy yet?"
"Got a hot tip," I said, tapping my nose, then made a dash for it. I was waiting for my money to come, freshly baked and piping hot, out of the cash machine, wondering how my mother was going to manage for two weeks in Portugal on two hundred pounds, when I spotted her scurrying towards me, wearing sungla.s.ses, even though it was p.i.s.sing with rain, and looking shiftily from side to side.
"Oh, there you are, darling. You are sweet. Thank you very much. Must dash, going to miss the plane. Byee!" she said, grabbing the banknotes from my hand.
"What"s going on?" I said. "What are you doing outside here when it"s not on your way to the airport? How are you going to manage without your banker"s card? Why can"t Julio lend you the money? Why? What are you up to? What?"
For a second she looked frightened, as if she was going to cry, then, her eyes fixed on the middle distance, she adopted her wounded Princess Diana look.
"I"ll be fine, darling." She gave her special brave smile. "Take care," she said in a faltering voice, hugged me quickly then was off, waving the traffic to a standstill and tripping across the road.
7 p.m. Just got home. Right. Calm, calm. Inner poise. Soup will be absolutely fine. Will simply cook and puree vegetables as instructed and then-to give concentration of flavor-rinse blue jelly off chicken carcases and boil them up with cream in the soup. Just got home. Right. Calm, calm. Inner poise. Soup will be absolutely fine. Will simply cook and puree vegetables as instructed and then-to give concentration of flavor-rinse blue jelly off chicken carcases and boil them up with cream in the soup.
8:30 p.m. All going marvelously. Guests are all in living room. Mark Darcy is being v. nice and brought champagne and a box of Belgian chocolates. Have not done main course yet apart from fondant potatoes but sure will be v. quick. Anyway, soup is first. All going marvelously. Guests are all in living room. Mark Darcy is being v. nice and brought champagne and a box of Belgian chocolates. Have not done main course yet apart from fondant potatoes but sure will be v. quick. Anyway, soup is first.
8:35 p.m. Oh my G.o.d. Just took lid off ca.s.serole to remove carca.s.ses. Soup is bright blue. Oh my G.o.d. Just took lid off ca.s.serole to remove carca.s.ses. Soup is bright blue.
9 p.m. Love the lovely friends. Were more than sporting about the blue soup, Mark Darcy and Tom even making lengthy argument for less color prejudice in the world of food. Why, after all, as Mark said - just because one cannot readily think of a blue vegetable - should one object to blue soup? Fish fingers, after all, are not naturally orange. (Truth is, after all the effort, soup just tasted like big bowl of boiled cream which Vile Richard rather unkindly pointed out. At which point Mark Darcy asked him what he did for a living, which was v. amusing because Vile Richard was sacked last week for fiddling his expenses.) Never mind, anyway. Main course will be v. tasty. Right, will start on veloute of cherry tomatoes. Love the lovely friends. Were more than sporting about the blue soup, Mark Darcy and Tom even making lengthy argument for less color prejudice in the world of food. Why, after all, as Mark said - just because one cannot readily think of a blue vegetable - should one object to blue soup? Fish fingers, after all, are not naturally orange. (Truth is, after all the effort, soup just tasted like big bowl of boiled cream which Vile Richard rather unkindly pointed out. At which point Mark Darcy asked him what he did for a living, which was v. amusing because Vile Richard was sacked last week for fiddling his expenses.) Never mind, anyway. Main course will be v. tasty. Right, will start on veloute of cherry tomatoes.
9:15 p.m. Oh dear. Think there must have been something in the blender, e.g. washing-up liquid, as cherry tomato puree seems to be foaming and three times original volume. Also fondant potatoes were meant to be ready ten minutes ago and are hard as rock. Maybe should put in microwave. Aargh aargh. Just looked in fudge and tuna is not there. What has become of tuna? What? What? Oh dear. Think there must have been something in the blender, e.g. washing-up liquid, as cherry tomato puree seems to be foaming and three times original volume. Also fondant potatoes were meant to be ready ten minutes ago and are hard as rock. Maybe should put in microwave. Aargh aargh. Just looked in fudge and tuna is not there. What has become of tuna? What? What?
9:30 p.m. Thank G.o.d. Jude and Mark Darcy came in kitchen and helped me make big omelette and mashed up half-done fondant potatoes and fried them in the frying pan in manner of hash browns, and put the recipe book on the table so we could all look at the pictures of what chargrilled tuna would have been like. At least orange confit will be good. Looks fantastic. Tom said not to bother with Grand Marnier Creme Anglaise but merely drink Grand Marnier. Thank G.o.d. Jude and Mark Darcy came in kitchen and helped me make big omelette and mashed up half-done fondant potatoes and fried them in the frying pan in manner of hash browns, and put the recipe book on the table so we could all look at the pictures of what chargrilled tuna would have been like. At least orange confit will be good. Looks fantastic. Tom said not to bother with Grand Marnier Creme Anglaise but merely drink Grand Marnier.
10 p.m. V. sad. Looked expectantly round table as everyone took first mouthful of confit. There was an embarra.s.sed silence. V. sad. Looked expectantly round table as everyone took first mouthful of confit. There was an embarra.s.sed silence.
"What"s this, hon?" said Tom eventually. "Is it marmalade?"
Horror-struck, took mouthful myself. It was, as he said, marmalade. Realize after all effort and expense have served my guests:
Blue soup Omelette Omelette Marmalade Marmalade
Am disastrous failure. Michelin-star cookery? Kwik-fit, more like.
Did not think things could get any worse after the marmalade. But no sooner was the horrible meal cleared away than the phone went. Fortunately I took it in the bedroom. It was Dad.
"Are you on your own?" he said. "No. Everyone"s round here, Jude and everyone. Why?"
"I - wanted you to be with someone when . . . I"m sorry, Bridget. I"m afraid there"s been some rather bad news."
"What? What?"
"Your mother and Julio are wanted by the police."
2 a.m. Northamptonshire in single bed in the Alconburys" spare room. Ugh. Had to sit down and get my breath back while Dad said, "Bridget? Bridget? Bridget?" over and over again in manner of a parrot. Ugh. Had to sit down and get my breath back while Dad said, "Bridget? Bridget? Bridget?" over and over again in manner of a parrot.
"What"s happened?" I managed to get out eventually. "I"m afraid they - possibly, and I pray, without your mother"s knowledge - have defrauded a large number of people, including myself and some of our very closest friends, out of a great deal of money. We don"t know the scale of the fraud at the moment, but I"m afraid, from what the police are saying, it"s possible that your mother may have to go to prison for a considerable period of time."
"Oh my G.o.d. So that"s why she"s gone off to Portugal with my two hundred quid."
"She may well be further afield by now."
I saw the future unfolding before me like a horrible nightmare: Richard Finch dubbing me Good Afternoon Good Afternoon!"s "Suddenly Single"s Jailbird"s Daughter, and forcing me to do a live interview down the line from the Holloway visitors" room before being Suddenly Sacked on air.
"What did they do?"
"Apparently Julio, using your mother as - as it were - "front man," has relieved Una and Geoffrey, Nigel and Elizabeth and Malcolm and Elaine" (oh my G.o.d, Mark Darcy"s parents) "of quite considerable sums of money-many, many thousands of pounds, as down payments on time-share apartments."
"Didn"t you know?"
"No. Presumably because they were unable to overcome some slight vestigial embarra.s.sment about doing business with the greasy beperfumed wop who has cuckolded one of their oldest friends they omitted to mention the whole business to me."
"So what happened?"
"The time-share apartments never existed. Not a penny of your mother"s and my savings or pension fund remains. I also was unwise enough to leave the house in her name, and she has remortgaged it. We are ruined, dest.i.tute and homeless, Bridget, and your mother is to be branded a common criminal."
After that he broke down. Una came to the phone, saying that she was going to give Dad some Ovaltine. I told her I"d be there in two hours but she said not to drive till I"d got over the shock, there was nothing to be done, and to leave it till the morning. Replacing the receiver, I slumped against the wall cursing myself feebly for leaving my cigarettes in the living room. Immediately though, Jude appeared with a gla.s.s of Grand Marnier.
"What happened?" she said.
I told her the whole story, pouring the Grand Marnier straight down my throat as I did. Jude didn"t say a word but immediately went and fetched Mark Darcy.
"I blame myself," he said, running his hands through his hair. "I should have made myself more clear at the Tarts and Vicars party. I knew there was something dodgy about Julio."
"What do you mean?"
"I heard him talking on his portable phone by the herbaceous border. He didn"t know he was being overheard. If I"d had any idea that my parents were involved I"d . . . He shook his head. "Now that I think about it, I do remember my mother mentioning something, but I got so upset at the mere mention of the words "timeshare" that I must have terrorized her into shutting up. Where"s your mother now?"
"I don"t know. Portugal? Rio de Janeiro? Having her hair done?"
He started to pace around the room firing questions like a top barrister.
"What"s being done to find her?" "What are the sums involved?" "How did the matter come to light?" "What is the police"s involvement?" "Who knows about it?" "Where is your father now?" "Would you like to go to him?" "Will you allow me to take you?" It was pretty d.a.m.n s.e.xy, I can tell you.
Jude appeared with coffee. Mark decided the best thing would be if he got his driver to take him and me up to Grafton Underwood and, for a fleeting second, I experienced the totally novel sensation of being grateful to my mother.
It was all very dramatic when we got to Una and Geoffrey"s, with Enderbys and Alconburys all over the shop, everyone in tears and Mark Darcy striding around making phone calls. Found myself feeling guilty, since part of self - despite horror - was hugely enjoying the fact of normal business being suspended, everything different from usual and everyone allowed to throw entire gla.s.ses of sherry and salmon-paste sandwiches down their throats in manner of Christmas. Was exactly the same feeling as when Granny turned schizophrenic and took all her clothes off, ran off into Penny Husbands-Bosworth"s orchard and had to be rounded up by the police.
Wednesday 22 November
8st 10 (hurrah!), alcohol units 3, cigarettes 27 (completely understandable when Mum is common criminal), calories 5671 (oh dear, seem to have regained appet.i.te), Instants 7 (unselfish act to try to win back everyone"s money, though maybe would not give them all of it, come to think of it), total winnings ,10, total profit ,3 (got to start somewhere).
10 a.m. Back in flat, completely exhausted after no sleep. On top of everything else, have to go to work and get told off for being late. Dad seemed to be rallying a little when I left: alternating between moments of wild cheerfulness that Julio proved to be a bounder so Mum might come back and start a new life with him and deep depression that the new life in question will be one of prison-visiting using public transport. Back in flat, completely exhausted after no sleep. On top of everything else, have to go to work and get told off for being late. Dad seemed to be rallying a little when I left: alternating between moments of wild cheerfulness that Julio proved to be a bounder so Mum might come back and start a new life with him and deep depression that the new life in question will be one of prison-visiting using public transport.
Mark Darcy went back to London in small hours. I left a message on his answerphone saying thank you for helping and everything, but he has not rung me back. Cannot blame him. Bet Natasha and similar would not feed him blue soup and turn out to be the daughter of criminal.
Una and Geoffrey said not to worry about Dad as Brian and Mavis are going to stay and help look after him. Find myself wondering why it is always "Una and Geoffrey" not "Geothey and Una" and yet "Malcolm and Elaine" and "Brian and Mavis." And yet, on the other hand, "Nigel and Audrey" Coles. Just as one would never, never say "Geoffrey and Una" so, conversely, one would never say "Elaine and Malcolm." Why? Why? Find self, in spite of self; trying out own name imagining Sharon or Jude in years to come, boring their daughters rigid by going "You know Bridget and Mark Mark, darling, who live in the big house in Holland Park and go on lots of holidays to the Caribbean." That"s it. It would be Bridget and Mark. Bridget and Mark Darcy. The Darcys. Not Mark and Bridget Darcy. Heaven forbid. All wrong. Then suddenly feel terrible for thinking about Mark Darcy in these terms, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music The Sound of Music, and that I must run away and go to see Mother Superior, who will sing "Climb Every Mountain" to me.
Friday 24 November
8st 13, alcohol units 4 (but drunk in police presence so clearly OK), cigarettes 0, calories 1760, 1471 calls to see if Mark Darcy has rung 11.
10:30 p.m. Everything is going from bad to worse. Had thought only silver lining in cloud of mother"s criminality was that it might bring me and Mark Darcy closer together but have not heard a peep from him since he left the Alconburys". Have just been interviewed in my flat by police officers. Started behaving like people who are interviewed on the television after plane crashes in their front gardens, talking in formulaic phrases borrowed from news broadcasts, courtroom dramas or similar. Found myself describing my mother as being "Caucasian" and "of medium build." Everything is going from bad to worse. Had thought only silver lining in cloud of mother"s criminality was that it might bring me and Mark Darcy closer together but have not heard a peep from him since he left the Alconburys". Have just been interviewed in my flat by police officers. Started behaving like people who are interviewed on the television after plane crashes in their front gardens, talking in formulaic phrases borrowed from news broadcasts, courtroom dramas or similar. Found myself describing my mother as being "Caucasian" and "of medium build."
Policemen were incredibly charming and rea.s.suring, though. They stayed quite late, in fact, and one of the detectives said he"d pop round again when he was pa.s.sing by and let me know how everything was going. He was really friendly, actually.
Sat.u.r.day 25 November
9st, alcohol units 2 (sherry, ugh), cigarettes 3 (smoked out of Alconburys" window), calories, 4567 (entirely custard creams and salmon spread sandwiches), 1471 calls to see if Mark Darcy has rung 9 (g.).
Thank G.o.d. Dad has had a phone call from Mum. Apparently, she said not to worry, she was safe and everything was going to be all right, then hung up immediately. The police were at Una and Geoffrey"s tapping the phone line as in Thelma and Louise Thelma and Louise and said she was definitely calling from Portugal but they didn"t manage to get where. So much wish Mark Darcy would ring. Was obviously completely put off by culinary disasters and criminal element in family, but too polite to show it at time. Paddling-pool bonding evidently pales into insignificance alongside theft of parents" savings by naughty Bridget"s nasty mummy. Am going to see Dad this afternoon, in manner of tragic spinster spurned by all men instead of in manner to which have been accustomed: in chauffeur-driven car with top barrister. and said she was definitely calling from Portugal but they didn"t manage to get where. So much wish Mark Darcy would ring. Was obviously completely put off by culinary disasters and criminal element in family, but too polite to show it at time. Paddling-pool bonding evidently pales into insignificance alongside theft of parents" savings by naughty Bridget"s nasty mummy. Am going to see Dad this afternoon, in manner of tragic spinster spurned by all men instead of in manner to which have been accustomed: in chauffeur-driven car with top barrister.
1 p.m. Hurrah! Hurrah! Just as I was leaving had phone call, but could not hear anything but beeping sound at the other end. Then the phone rang again. It was Mark, from Portugal. Just incredibly kind and brilliant of him. Apparently he has been talking to the police all week in between being top barrister and flew out to Albufeira yesterday. The police over there have found Mum and Mark thinks she will get off because it will be pretty obvious she had no idea what Julio was up to. They"ve managed to track down some of the money, but haven"t found Julio yet. Mum is coming back tonight, but will have to go straight to a police station for questioning. He said not to worry, it will probably all be OK, but he"s made arrangements for bail if it turns out to be necessary. Then we got cut off before I even had time to say thank you. Desperate to ring Tom to tell him fantastic news but remember no one is supposed to know about Mum and, unfortunately, last time I spoke to Tom about Mark Darcy I think I might have implied he was a creepy mummy"s boy. Hurrah! Hurrah! Just as I was leaving had phone call, but could not hear anything but beeping sound at the other end. Then the phone rang again. It was Mark, from Portugal. Just incredibly kind and brilliant of him. Apparently he has been talking to the police all week in between being top barrister and flew out to Albufeira yesterday. The police over there have found Mum and Mark thinks she will get off because it will be pretty obvious she had no idea what Julio was up to. They"ve managed to track down some of the money, but haven"t found Julio yet. Mum is coming back tonight, but will have to go straight to a police station for questioning. He said not to worry, it will probably all be OK, but he"s made arrangements for bail if it turns out to be necessary. Then we got cut off before I even had time to say thank you. Desperate to ring Tom to tell him fantastic news but remember no one is supposed to know about Mum and, unfortunately, last time I spoke to Tom about Mark Darcy I think I might have implied he was a creepy mummy"s boy.