Sunday 26 November
9st 1, alcohol Units 0, cigarettes 1/2 (fat chance of any more), calories G.o.d knows, minutes spent wanting to kill mother 188 (conservative estimate).
Nightmare day. Having first expected Mum back last night, then this morning, then this afternoon and having almost set off to Gatwick a total of three times, it turned out she was arriving this evening at Luton, under police escort. Dad and I were preparing ourselves to comfort a very different person from the one we had last been told off by, naively a.s.suming that Mum would be chastened by what she had gone through "Let go of me, you silly bill silly billy," a voice rang out through the arrival lounge. "Now we"re on British soil I"m certain to be recognized and I don"t want everyone seeing me being manhandled manhandled by a policeman. Ooh, d"you know? I think I"ve left my sun hat on the airplane under the seat." by a policeman. Ooh, d"you know? I think I"ve left my sun hat on the airplane under the seat."
The two policemen rolled their eyes as Mum, dressed in a sixties-style black-and-white checked coat (presumably carefully planned to coordinate with the policemen), head scarf and dark gla.s.ses, zoomed back towards the baggage hall with the officers of the law wearily tagging after her. Forty-five minutes later they were back. One of the policemen was carrying the sun hat.
There was nearly a stand-up fight when they tried to get her into the police car. Dad was sitting in the front of his Sierra in tears and I was trying to explain to her that she had to go to the station to see whether she was going to be charged with anything, but she just kept going, "Oh, don"t be silly, darling. Come here. What have you got on your face? Haven"t you got a tissue?"
"Mum," I remonstrated as she took a handkerchief out of her pocket and spat on it. "You might be charged with a criminal offense," I protested as she started to dab at my face. "I think you should go quietly to the station with the policemen."
"We"ll see, darling. Maybe tomorrow when I"ve cleaned out the vegetable basket. I left two pounds of King Edwards in there and I bet they"ve sprouted. n.o.body"s touched the plants, apparently, the entire time I"ve been away, and I bet you anything Una"s left the heating on."
It was only when Dad came over and curtly told her the house was about to be repossessed, vegetable basket included, that she shut up and huffily allowed herself to be put in the back of the car next to the policeman.
Monday 27 November
9st 1., alcohol units 0, cigarettes 50 (yesss! yesss!), 1471 calls to see Mark Darcy has rung 12, hours of sleep 0.
9 a.m. Just having last f.a.g before going to work. Completely shattered. Dad and I were made to wait on a bench in the police Station for two hours last night. Eventually we heard a voice approaching along the corridor. "Yes, that"s right it"s mee! "Suddenly Single" every morning! Of course you can. Have you got a pen? On here? Who shall I put it to? Oh, you naughty man. Do you know I"ve been dying to try one of those on . . . " Just having last f.a.g before going to work. Completely shattered. Dad and I were made to wait on a bench in the police Station for two hours last night. Eventually we heard a voice approaching along the corridor. "Yes, that"s right it"s mee! "Suddenly Single" every morning! Of course you can. Have you got a pen? On here? Who shall I put it to? Oh, you naughty man. Do you know I"ve been dying to try one of those on . . . "
"Oh, there you are, Daddy," said Mum, appearing round the corner wearing a policeman"s helmet. "Is the car outside? Oof, d"you know - I"m dying to get home and get the kettle on. Did Una remember to turn on the timer?"
Dad looked rumpled, startled and confused and I didn"t feel any less so myself.
"Have you walked free?" I said.
"Oh, don"t be silly, darling. Walked free! I don"t know!" said Mum rolling her eyes at the senior detective and bustling me out of the door ahead of her. The way the detective was blushing and fussing around her I wouldn"t have been in the least surprised if she"d got herself off by giving him s.e.xual favors in the interview room.
"So what happened?" I said, when Dad had finished putting all her suitcases, hats, straw donkey (" Isn"t it super?") and castanets in the trunk of the Sierra and had started the engine. I was determined she wasn"t going to brazen this one out, sweep the whole thing under the carpet and start patronizing us again.
"All sorted out now, darling, just a silly misunderstanding. Has someone been smoking in this car?"
"What happened, Mother?" I said dangerously. "What about everyone"s money and the time-share apartments? Where"s my two hundred quid?"
"Durr! It was just some silly problem with the planning permission. They can be very corrupt, you know, the Portuguese authorities. It"s all bribery and baksheesh like Winnie Mandela. So Julio"s just paid all the deposits back. We had a super holiday, actually! The weather was very mixed, but . . . "
"Where is Julio?" I said, suspiciously.
"Oh, he"s stayed behind in Portugal to sort out all this planning permission palaver."
"What about my house?" said Dad. "And the savings?"
"I don"t know what you"re talking about, Daddy. There"s nothing wrong with the house."
Unfortunately for Mum, however, when we got back to The Gables all the locks had been changed, so we had to go back to Una and Geoffrey"s.
"Oof, do you know, Una, I"m so exhausted, I think I"m going to have to go straight to bed," said Mum after one look at the resentful faces, wilting cold collation and tired beetroot slices.
The phone rang for Dad.
"That was Mark Darcy," said Dad when he came back. My heart leaped into my mouth as I tried to control my features. "He"s in Albufeira. Apparently some sort of deal"s been done with . . . with the filthy wop . . . and they"ve recovered some of the money. I think The Gables may be saved . . . "
At this a loud cheer went up from us all and Geoffrey launched into "For He"s a Jolly Good Fellow." I waited for Una to make some remark about me but none was forthcoming. Typical. The minute I decide I like Mark Darcy, everyone immediately stops trying to fix me up with him.
"Is that too milky for you, Cohn?" said Una, pa.s.sing Dad a mug of tea decorated with apricot floral frieze.
"I don"t know . . . I don"t understand why . . . I don"t know what to think," Dad said worriedly.
"Look, there"s absolutely no need to worry," said Una, with an unusual air of calmness and control, which suddenly made me see her as the mummy I"d never really had. "It"s because I"ve put a bit too much milk in. I"ll just tip a bit out and top it up with hot water."
When finally got away from scene of mayhem, drove far too fast on way back to London, smoking f.a.gs all the way as act of mindless rebellion.
DECEMBER
Oh, Christ
Monday 4 December
9st 2 (hmm, must get weight off before Christmas gorging), alcohol units a modest 3, cigarettes a saintly 7, calories 3876 (oh dear), 1471 calls to see if Mark Darcy has called 6 (g.). Just went to supermarket and found self unaccountably thinking of Christmas trees, firesides, carols, mince pies, etc. Then I realized why. The air vents by the entrance which usually pump out baking bread smells were pumping out baking mince pies smells instead. Cannot believe cynicism of such behavior. Reminded of favorite poem by Wendy Cope which goes: Just went to supermarket and found self unaccountably thinking of Christmas trees, firesides, carols, mince pies, etc. Then I realized why. The air vents by the entrance which usually pump out baking bread smells were pumping out baking mince pies smells instead. Cannot believe cynicism of such behavior. Reminded of favorite poem by Wendy Cope which goes:
At Christmas little children sing and merry bells jingle.
The cold winter air makes our hands and faces tingle.
And happy families go to church and cheerily they mingle, And the whole business is unbelievably dreadful if you"re single.
Still no word from Mark Darcy.
Tuesday 5 December
9st 2 (right, am really going to start dieting today), alcohol units 4 (start of festive season), cigarettes 10, calories 3245 (better), 1471 calls 6 (steady progress).
Repeatedly distracted by "Stocking Filla" catalogs tumbling out of the newspapers. Particularly keen on the shield-shaped burnished metal "funfur"-lined Spectacles Holder stand: "All too often spectacles are put down flat on a table, inviting an accident." Couldn"t agree more. The sleekly designed "Black Cat" Key-Chain Light does indeed have a simple flip-down mechanism, as it "casts a powerful red light on the keyhole of any cat lover." Bonsai Kits! Hurrah. "Practice the ancient art of Bonsai with this tub of preplanted Persian Pink Silk Tree shoots." Nice, very nice.
Cannot help but feel sad about the brutal trampling on the pink silk shoots of romance burgeoning between me and Mark Darcy by Marco Pierre White and my mother, but trying to be philosophical about it. Maybe Mark Darcy is too perfect, clean and finished off at the edges for me, with his capability, intelligence, lack of smoking, freedom from alcoholism, and his chauffeur-driven cars. Maybe it has been decreed that I should be with someone wilder, earthier and more of a flirt. Like Marco Pierre White, for example, or, just to pick a name totally at random, Daniel. Hmmm. Anyway. Must just get on with life and not feel sorry for self.
Just called Shazzer, who said it has not been decreed that I must go out with Marco Pierre White and certainly not with Daniel. The only thing a woman needs in this day and age is herself. Hurrah!
2 a.m. Why hasn"t Mark Darcy rung me? Why? Why? Am going to be eaten by Alsatian despite all efforts to the contrary. Why me, Lord? Why hasn"t Mark Darcy rung me? Why? Why? Am going to be eaten by Alsatian despite all efforts to the contrary. Why me, Lord?
Friday 8 December
9st 5 (disaster), alcohol units 4 (g.), cigarettes 12 (excellent), Christmas presents purchased 0 (bad), cards sent 0, 1471 calls 7.
4 p.m. Humph. Jude just rang and just before we said good-bye she said, "See you at Rebecca"s on Sunday." Humph. Jude just rang and just before we said good-bye she said, "See you at Rebecca"s on Sunday."
"Rebecca"s? Sunday? What Rebecca"s? What?"
"Oh, hasn"t . . . ? She"s just having a few . . . I think it"s just a sort of pre-Christmas dinner party."
"I"m busy on Sunday, anyway," I lied. At last - a chance to get into those awkward corners with the duster. I had thought that Jude and I were equal friends of Rebecca so why should she invite Jude and not me?
9 p.m. Popped to 192 for refreshing bottle of wine with Sharon and she said, "What are you wearing for Rebecca"s party?" Popped to 192 for refreshing bottle of wine with Sharon and she said, "What are you wearing for Rebecca"s party?"
Party? So it is a party party party. party.
Midnight. Anyway. Must not get upset about it. This is just the sort of thing that is not important in life anymore. People should be allowed to invite who they want to Anyway. Must not get upset about it. This is just the sort of thing that is not important in life anymore. People should be allowed to invite who they want to their their parties without others pettily getting upset. parties without others pettily getting upset.
5:30 a.m. Why hasn"t Rebecca invited me to her party? Why? Why? How many more parties are going on that everyone has been invited to except me? I bet everyone is at one now, laughing and sipping expensive champagne. No one likes me. Christmas is going to be a total party-desert, apart from a three-party pile-up on December 20th, when I am booked into an editing session all evening. Why hasn"t Rebecca invited me to her party? Why? Why? How many more parties are going on that everyone has been invited to except me? I bet everyone is at one now, laughing and sipping expensive champagne. No one likes me. Christmas is going to be a total party-desert, apart from a three-party pile-up on December 20th, when I am booked into an editing session all evening.
Sat.u.r.day 9 December
Christmas parties to look forward to 0.