So with the greatest holiday of my life in prospect I went to the empty gunpit in which I sleep, and turned in. This morning I set out early with my servant, tramping back across the long, long battlefields which our boys have won. The mud was knee-deep in places, but we floundered on till we came to our old and deserted gun-position where my horses waited for me. From there I rode to the wagon-lines--the first time I"ve sat a horse since I came into action. Far behind me the thunder of winged murder grew more faint. The country became greener; trees even had leaves upon them which fluttered against the grey-blue sky. It was wonderful--like awaking from an appalling nightmare. My little beast was fresh and seemed to share my joy, for she stepped out bravely.
When I arrived at the wagon-lines I would not wait--I longed to see something even greener and quieter. My groom packed up some oats and away we went again. My first objective was the military baths; I lay in hot water for half-an-hour and read the advertis.e.m.e.nts of my book. As I lay there, for the first time since I"ve been out, I began to get a half-way true perspective of myself. What"s left of the egotism of the author came to life, and--now laugh--I planned my next novel--planned it to the sound of men singing, because they were clean for the first time in months. I left my towels and soap with a military policeman, by the roadside, and went prancing off along country roads in search of the almost forgotten places where people don"t kill one another. Was it imagination? There seemed to me to be a different look in the faces of the men I met--for the time being they were neither hunters nor hunted.
There were actually cows in the fields. At one point, where pollarded trees stand like a Hobbema sketch against the sky, a group of officers were coursing a hare, following a big black hound on horseback. We lost our way. A drenching rainstorm fell over us--we didn"t care; and we saw as we looked back a most beautiful thing--a rainbow over green fields.
It was as romantic as the first rainbow in childhood.
All day I have been seeing lovely and familiar things as though for the first time. I"ve been a sort of Lazarus, rising out of his tomb and praising G.o.d at the sound of a divine voice. You don"t know how exquisite a ploughed field can look, especially after rain, unless you have feared that you might never see one again.
I came to a grey little village, where civilians were still living, and then to a gate and a garden. In the cottage was a French peasant woman who smiled, patted my hair because it was curly, and chattered interminably. The result was a huge omelette and a bottle of champagne.
Then came a touch of naughtiness--a lady visitor with a copy of _La Vie Parisienne_, which she promptly bestowed on the English soldier. I read it, and dreamt of the time when I should walk the Champs Elysees again.
It was growing dusk when I turned back to the noise of battle. There was a white moon in a milky sky. Motor-bikes fled by me, great lorries driven by Jehus from London buses, and automobiles which too poignantly had been Strand taxis and had taken lovers home from the Gaiety. I jogged along thinking very little, but supremely happy. Now I"m back at the wagon-line; to-morrow I go back to the guns. Meanwhile I write to you by a guttering candle.
Life, how I love you! What a wonderful kindly thing I could make of you to-night. Strangely the vision has come to me of all that you mean. Now I could write. So soon you may go from me or be changed into a form of existence which all my training has taught me to dread. After death is there only nothingness? I think that for those who have missed love in this life there must be compensations--the little children whom they ought to have had, perhaps. To-day, after so many weeks, I have seen little children again.
And yet, so strange a havoc does this war work that, if I have to "Go West," I shall go _proudly_ and quietly. I have seen too many men die bravely to make a fuss if my turn comes. A mixed pa.s.senger list old Father Charon must have each night--Englishmen, Frenchmen, and Huns.
To-morrow I shall have another sight of the greenness and then--the guns.
I don"t know whether I have been able to make any of my emotions clear to you in my letters. Terror has a terrible fascination. Up to now I have always been afraid--afraid of small fears. At last I meet fear itself and it stings my pride into an unpremeditated courage.
I"ve just had a pile of letters from you all. How ripping it is to be remembered! Letters keep one civilised.
It"s late and I"m very tired. G.o.d bless you each and all.
CON.
XXVIII
November 15th, 1916.
Dear Father:
I"ve owed you a letter for some time, but I"ve been getting very little leisure. You can"t send steel messages to the Kaiser and love-notes to your family in the same breath.
I am amazed at the spirit you three are showing and almighty proud that you can muster such courage. I suppose none of us quite realised our strength till it came to the test. There was a time when we all doubted our own heroism. I think we were typical of our age. Every novel of the past ten years has been more or less a study in sentiment and self-distrust. We used to wonder what kind of stuff Drake"s men were made of that they could jest while they died. We used to contrast ourselves with them to our own disfavour. Well, we know now that when there"s a New World to be discovered we can still rise up reincarnated into spiritual pirates. It wasn"t the men of our age who were at fault, but the New World that was lacking. Our New World is the Kingdom of Heroism, the doors of which are flung so wide that the meanest of us may enter. I know men out here who are the dependable daredevils of their brigades, who in peace times were nuisances and as soon as peace is declared will become nuisances again. At the moment they"re fine, laughing at Death and smiling at the chance of agony. There"s a man I know of who had a record sheet of crimes. When he was out of action he was always drunk and up for office. To get rid of him, they put him into the trench mortars and within a month he had won his D.C.M. He came out and went on the spree--this particular spree consisted in stripping a Highland officer of his kilts on a moonlight night. For this he was sentenced to several months in a military prison, but asked to be allowed to serve his sentence in the trenches. He came out from his punishment a King"s sergeant--which means that whatever he did n.o.body could degrade him. He got this for lifting his trench mortar over the parapet when all the detachment were killed. Carrying it out into a sh.e.l.l-hole, he held back the Hun attack and saved the situation. He got drunk again, and again chose to be returned to the trenches. This time his head was blown off while he was engaged in a special feat of gallantry. What are you to say to such men? Ordinarily they"d be blackguards, but war lifts them into splendour. In the same way you see mild men, timid men, almost girlish men, carrying out duties which in other wars would have won V.C."s. I don"t think the soul of courage ever dies out of the race any more than the capacity for love. All it means is that the occasion is not present. For myself I try to a.n.a.lyse my emotions; am I simply numb, or do I imitate other people"s coolness and shall I fear life again when the war is ended? There is no explanation save the great army phrase "Carry on." We "carry on"
because, if we don"t, we shall let other men down and put their lives in danger. And there"s more than that--we all want to live up to the standard that prompted us to come.
One talks about splendour--but war isn"t splendid except in the individual sense. A man by his own self-conquest can make it splendid for himself, but in the ma.s.sed sense it"s squalid. There"s nothing splendid about a battlefield when the fight is ended--shreds of what once were men, tortured, levelled landscapes--the barbaric loneliness of h.e.l.l. I shall never forget my first dead man. He was a signalling officer, lying in the dawn on a muddy hill. I thought he was asleep at first, but when I looked more closely, I saw that his shoulder blade was showing white through his tunic. He was wearing black boots. It"s odd, but the sight of black boots have the same effect on me now that black and white stripes had in childhood. I have the superst.i.tious feeling that to wear them would bring me bad luck.
Tonight we"ve been singing in parts, Back in the Dear Dead Days Beyond Recall--a mournful kind of ditty to sing under the circ.u.mstances--so mournful that we had to have a game of five hundred to cheer us up.
It"s now nearly 2 a.m., and I have to go out to the guns again before I go to bed. I carry your letters about in my pockets and read them at odd intervals in all kinds of places that you can"t imagine.
Cheer up and remember that I"m quite happy. I wish you could be with me for just one day to understand.
Yours, CON.
XXIX
December 3rd, 1916.
Dear Boys:
By this time you will be all through your exams and I hope have both pa.s.sed. It"ll be splendid if you can go together to the same station.
You envy me, you say; well, I rather envy you. I"d like to be with you.
You, at least, don"t have Napoleon"s fourth antagonist with which to contend--mud. But at present I"m clean and billeted in an estaminet, in a not too bad little village. There"s an old mill and still older church, and the usual farmhouses with the indispensable pile of manure under the front windows. We shall have plenty of hard work here, licking our men into shape and re-fitting.
You know how I"ve longed to sleep between sheets; I can now, but find them so cold that I still use my sleeping bag--such is human inconsistency. But yesterday I had a boiling bath--as good a bath as could be found in a New York hotel--and I am CLEAN.
I woke up this morning to hear some one singing Casey Jones--consequently I thought of former Christmases. My mind has been travelling back very much of late. Suddenly I see something here which reminds me of the time when E. and I were at Lisieux, or even of our Sat.u.r.day excursions to Nelson when we were all together at the ranch.
Did I tell you that B., our officer who was wounded two months ago, has just returned to us. This morning he got news that his young brother has been killed in the place which we have left. I wonder when we shall grow tired of stabbing and shooting and killing. It seems to me that the war cannot end in less than two years.
I have made myself nice to the Brigade interpreter and he has found me a delightful room with electric light and a fire. It"s in an old farmhouse with a brick terrace in front. My room is on the ground floor and tile-paved. The chairs are rush-bottomed and there are old quaint china plates on the shelves. There is also a quite charming mademoiselle. So you see, you don"t need to pity me any more.
Just at present I"m busy getting up the Brigade Christmas Entertainment.
The Colonel asked me to do it, otherwise I should have said _no_, as I want all the time I can get to myself. You can"t think how jolly it is to sit again in a room which is temporarily yours after living in dug-outs, herded side by side with other men. I can be _me_ now, and not a soldier of thousands when I write. You shall hear from me again soon.
Hope you"re having a ripping time in London.
Yours ever, CON.
x.x.x
December 5th, 1916.
DEAREST M.:
I"ve just come in from my last tour of inspection as orderly officer, and it"s close on midnight. I"m getting this line off to you to let you know that I expect to get my nine days" leave about the beginning of January. How I wish it were possible to have you in London when I arrive, or, failing that, to spend my leave in New York!
To-morrow I make an early start on horseback for a market of the old-fashioned sort which is held at a town near by. Can you dimly picture me with my groom, followed by a mess-cart, going from stall to stall and bartering with the peasants? It"ll be rather good fun and something quite out of my experience.
Christmas will be over by the time you get this, and I do hope that you had a good one. I paused to talk to the other officers; they say that they are sure that you are very beautiful and have a warm heart, and would like to send them a five-storey layer cake, half a dozen bottles of port and one Paris chef. At present I am the Dives of the mess and dole out luxuries to these Lazaruses.
Good-bye for the present.
Yours ever lovingly, CON.
x.x.xI