One moment I sprang from him; the next I despised myself. But in spite of all my troubles, there still lurked in my heart the narrow pride of birth. Down to the earth it fell beneath the foot of true love, and I kissed away from his eyes the mingled reproach and sorrow, a.s.suring him that at least he should have a legitimate wife.
To make amends, I leaned upon him one moment, and put my hand on his shoulder, and let him play awhile with the dark shower of my hair.
"Darling Conny, you have told me yours, now you shall hear my secret.
Only promise me you will give t.i.t for tat. You say you loved me ever since you saw me first; then you must have loved your Clara when you saved her life."
"What do you mean, my Clara? Those low ruffians in the Park were not going to kill you."
"No, dearest; I don"t mean that at all. But there"s a kiss for that, I have owed it you ever since. But what I mean no kisses can repay; no, nor a life of love. You saved a life worth fifty of my own."
Some dark alarm was growing in his eyes, on which I gazed with vague increasing terror.
"Why, dearest, it is nothing. Only your own Clara is not Clara Valence; you must call her "Clara Vaughan.""
With actual violence he thrust me from his arms, and stood staring at me, while I trembled from head to foot; his face was one scarlet flame.
"And pray, Sir, what harm have I done? Am I to suppose that you"--special emphasis meant for illegitimacy--"that you are ashamed of my father and me?"
"Yes, I am. Accursed low licentious race! If you knew what you have done, you would tear your heart out rather than give it to me."
"Thank you--I feel obliged--my heart indeed--to a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Take back your ring if you please; kindly restore me mine. May I trouble you for room enough to go by?"
And I swept out of the room, and through the side-door into my bed-room, where I crouched in a corner, with both hands on my heart, and the whole world gone away. "Mad!" I heard him cry, "yes, I must go mad at last!"
Away he rushed from the house, and I fell upon the bed, and lay in fits till midnight.
CHAPTER V.
I believe that my heart would have burst, if they had not cut my stays; and how I wished it had. When I came back to my unlucky self, there was something shivery cold in the forehead wave of my hair. Was it Conrad"s finger? I put up my hand to dash it away, and caught a fine fat leech.
Dr. Franks was sitting by me, holding a basin and a sponge.
"That"s the last of them, my dear child. Don"t disturb him. He is doing his duty by you."
"His duty! Was it his duty to say such fearful things? To break my heart with every word! Ashamed of me--ashamed of my darling father!
Low and licentious! What have I done? what have I done? Oh, it I only knew what harm I have ever done!"
"No harm, my poor dear, no harm in the world; let me bathe your pretty face. Come now, you shan"t cry another drop. What is to become of the beautiful eyes I was so proud of saving?"
"Oh, I wish you hadn"t, how I wish you hadn"t. Dr. Franks, I have no father, and no mother, and no one in all the world to love me, and I was just getting so nice and happy again, so proud of myself, and so much prouder of him, and I began to think how glad my own dear father would be; and, Dr. Franks, I did love him so, with all my heart, perhaps it"s not very large, but with every morsel and atom of my heart--and now, now I must hate him as much as ever I can. Oh let me go home, do let me go home, where my father and mother are buried." And I rose in the bed to start, and the candles glimmered in my eyes.
"Please to go out of the room, every one please to go; and don"t let Isola come. I can"t bear the sight of her now. It won"t take me long to dress, and I don"t want any luggage; and, Mrs. Shelfer, please to go for a cab: and I shan"t want the rooms any more, and it does not matter a bit about any letters. I"ll tell my father everything when I see him, and then perhaps he"ll tell me what harm it is I have done. Why don"t you go, when you see I want to get up?"
"Don"t you see, my dear child, we are going? Only you must take this gla.s.s of wine first, to prepare you for your long journey. Will you take it now, while we fetch the cab?"
"Yes, anything, anything: I don"t care what it is. Only let me get ready."
And I drank, without even tasting it, a gla.s.s of some dark liquid, which saved me from wandering further either in mind or body.
When I awoke, it was broad noon once more, and Dr. Franks was sitting by me with one of my hands in his. "Magnificent const.i.tution," I thought I heard him mutter, "glorious const.i.tution." What good was it to me? At the foot of the bed, sat Isola crying terribly. Slowly I remembered all my great disaster, but saw it only through a dull gray veil. The power of the opiate was still upon my brain. But a cold dead pain lay heavy on my heart, and always seemed to want a heavy hand upon it. After he had given me a reviving draught, Dr. Franks perceived that I wished to speak to Isola, and accordingly withdrew.
Poor Isola came slowly and sat beside my pillow, doubting whether she should dare to take my hand. Therefore I took hers, drew her face towards me, and covered it with kisses. Isola had done no harm to me whatever, and I felt it something to have even her to love. She was overcome with affectionate surprise.
"Oh, Clara dearest, I am so very glad to find you love me still. I feared that you would never care for me again. What is it all about, dear, if you are well enough to tell me, what is all this dreadful misery about?"
"That is the very thing I want to learn from you, dear. Surely you must know better far than I do."
I would not even ask her what had become of Conrad.
"No, I don"t dear. I don"t know at all. All I know is there must have been some dreadful quarrel between you and Conrad. I must tell you, dear, I was so anxious about something you can guess, that I stole up to the door soon after he came in; and you were so intent upon the window, that you never even saw me put the door ajar; and then I heard him tell you how very much he loved you, and I was so glad. And then I thought it was not quite fair of me, and I knew all I wanted, so I ran downstairs again. And the next thing I heard was your bedroom door bang and then Conny dashed out the house, and Judy came down to me looking very sorrowful. And I ran up to you, and here I found you shrieking so, and rolling, and clutching at the bedclothes, and I was so frightened I could not even move. And then Judy came and made such a dreadful howling, and Mrs. Shelfer ran straight off for the doctor, and I poured the water in the decanter over you, and I can"t tell any more."
"But surely, darling, you have been home since that?"
"Oh yes; when Dr. Franks came, and you were a little better, he would make me go home, because he did not want two patients, he said; and his eldest daughter, such a nice girl, came with me; and my papa didn"t even know that I had been out of the house. He was still upstairs, brooding over his relics, and all the sixth form at the College had to go to dinner without their lectures; but I do believe the stupid girls were glad."
"And did you hear--no, it doesn"t matter."
"No, I never heard what became of Conrad. No doubt he went back to his favourite chip, chipping. He has got a splendid thing he is full of now, and it prevents his sleeping; something or other very horrible from Dante, and the leading figure is modelled after you. I have seen the drawings, and he has got you exactly."
"How gratifying to be sure! I will ask you no more questions. Pray let me know when I am for sale; though I should call it a work of illegitimate art."
My eyes were on her face, but she showed no consciousness whatever, which she must have done had she known the fact referred to, for she was quick of perception, and open as the day. I was angry with myself for the low and bootless sneer, which was pretty certain to be conveyed to her brother.
"Now I will delay no longer. Let me speak to Dr. Franks. I shall go this afternoon."
Poor Isola turned pale; she had looked upon the occurrence as only a lover"s quarrel, sure to be set right in a day or two. She could not harbour any great resentment long, and forgot that I could.
"Don"t talk so, dear; and you so very weak! it would be sure to kill you. And what will Conny think? You must not go, at any rate, till you have been to see him."
"I go to him! I hope to see him never more until I charge him in another world with this bitter wrong. No, no more if you please; I will not hear his name again. How can he be your brother? Darling Idols, I never shall forget you. Take this, my pet, and think of me sometimes, for you will never see me more."
I gave her an emerald ring, set with lovely pearls, small types of herself. It was not the one I had reclaimed from her brother, that was a plain keeper.
"Oh Clara, Clara, don"t say that, whatever you do, because I know you will keep to it, you are so shamefully obstinate. And I never loved any one in the world like you; no, not even Conny."
"And not even your father or mother?"
"No, not half so much. I like Pappy very well when he is good and kind, but that is not very often now"--the poor little thing"s eyes filled again with tears,--"and as for my mother, I never even saw her; she died when I was born."
"And I love you too, my sweet, best of all the world--now.
Nevertheless, we must part."
"And never see each other? I don"t call that loving. Tell me why: do tell me why. There seems some horrid mystery about every one I love."
And she was overcome with grief. She had not been, like me, apprenticed young to trouble.