"And let me ask you, Mr. Lovelace, why are my retirements to be thus invaded?--What can you have to say to me since last night, that I went with you so much against my will to the play? and after sitting up with you, equally against my will, till a very late hour?
"This I have to say, Madam, that I cannot bear to be kept at this distance from you under the same roof.
"Under the same roof, Sir!--How came you----
"Hear me out, Madam--[letting go her trembling hands, and s.n.a.t.c.hing them back again with an eagerness that made her start]--I have a thousand things to say, to talk of, relating to our present and future prospects; but when I want to open my whole soul to you, you are always contriving to keep me at a distance. You make me inconsistent with myself. Your heart is set upon delays. You must have views that you will not own.
Tell me, Madam, I conjure you to tell me, this moment, without subterfuge or reserve, in what light am I to appear to you in future? I cannot bear this distance. The suspense you hold me in I cannot bear.
"In what light, Mr. Lovelace! [visibly terrified.] In no bad light, I hope.--Pray, Mr. Lovelace, do not grasp my hands so hard [endeavouring to withdraw them.] Pray let me go.--
"You hate me, Madam--
"I hate n.o.body, Sir--
"You hate me, Madam, repeated I.
"Instigated and resolved, as I came up, I wanted some new provocation.
The devil indeed, as soon as my angel made her appearance, crept out of my heart; but he had left the door open, and was no farther off than my elbow.
"You come up in no good temper, I see, Mr. Lovelace.--But pray be not violent--I have done you no hurt.--Pray be not violent--
"Sweet creature! and I clasped one arm about her, holding one hand in my other.--You have done me no hurt.--I could have devoured her--but restraining myself--You have done me the greatest hurt!--In what have I deserved the distance you keep me at?--I knew not what to say.
"She struggled to disengage herself.--Pray, Mr. Lovelace, let me withdraw. I know not why this is. I know not what I have done to offend you. I see you are come with a design to quarrel with me. If you would not terrify me by the ill humour you are in, permit me to withdraw. I will hear all you have to say another time--to-morrow morning, as I sent you word.--But indeed you frighten me--I beseech you, if you have any value for me, permit me to withdraw.
"Night, mid-night, is necessary, Belford. Surprise, terror, must be necessary to the ultimate trial of this charming creature, say the women below what they will. I could not hold my purposes. This was not the first time that I had intended to try if she could forgive.
"I kissed her hand with a fervour, as if I would have left my lips upon it.--Withdraw, then, dearest, and ever-dear creature. Indeed I entered in a very ill humour. I cannot bear the distance at which you so causelessly keep me. Withdraw, Madam, since it is your will to withdraw; and judge me generously; judge me but as I deserve to be judged; and let me hope to meet you to-morrow morning early in such a temper as becomes our present situation, and my future hopes.
"And so saying, I conducted her to the door, and left her there. But, instead of going down to the women, I went into my own chamber, and locked myself in; ashamed of being awed by her majestic loveliness, and apprehensive virtue, into so great a change of purpose, notwithstanding I had such just provocations from the letters of her saucy friend, formed on her own representations of facts and situations between herself and me.
[The Lady (dated Sunday night) thus describes her terrors, and Mr.
Lovelace"s behaviour, on the occasion.]
On my entering the dining-room, he took my hand in his, in such a humour, I saw plainly he was resolved to quarrel with me--And for what?--What had I done to him?--I never in my life beheld in any body such wild, such angry, such impatient airs. I was terrified; and instead of being as angry as I intended to be, I was forced to be all mildness. I can hardly remember what were his first words, I was so frighted. But you hate me, Madam! you hate me, Madam! were some of them--with such a fierceness--I wished myself a thousand miles distant from him. I hate n.o.body, said I: I thank G.o.d I hate n.o.body--You terrify me, Mr. Lovelace--let me leave you.--The man, my dear, looked quite ugly--I never saw a man look so ugly as pa.s.sion made him look--and for what?--And so he grasped my hands!-- fierce creature;--he so grasped my hands! In short, he seemed by his looks, and by his words (once putting his arms about me) to wish me to provoke him. So that I had nothing to do but to beg of him (which I did repeatedly) to permit me to withdraw: and to promise to meet him at his own time in the morning.
It was with a very ill grace that he complied, on that condition; and at parting he kissed my hand with such a savageness, that a redness remains upon it still.
Do you not think, my dear, that I have reason to be incensed at him, my situation considered? Am I not under a necessity, as it were, of quarrelling with him; at least every other time I see him? No prudery, no coquetry, no tyranny in my heart, or in my behaviour to him, that I know of. No affected procrastination. Aiming at nothing but decorum.
He as much concerned, and so he ought to think, as I, to have that observed. Too much in his power: cast upon him by the cruelty of my relations. No other protection to fly to but his. One plain path before us; yet such embarra.s.ses, such difficulties, such subjects for doubt, for cavil, for uneasiness; as fast as one is obviated, another to be introduced, and not by myself--know not how introduced--What pleasure can I propose to myself in meeting such a wretch?
Perfect for me, my dearest Miss Howe, perfect for me, I beseech you, your kind scheme with Mrs. Townsend; and I will then leave this man.
My temper, I believe, is changed. No wonder if it be. I question whether ever it will be what it was. But I cannot make him half so uneasy by the change, as I am myself. See you not how, from step to step, he grows upon me?--I tremble to look back upon his encroachments.
And now to give me cause to apprehend more evil from him, than indignation will permit me to express!--O my dear, perfect your scheme, and let me fly from so strange a wretch!
Yet, to be first an eloper from my friends to him, as the world supposes; and now to be so from him [to whom I know not!] how hard to one who ever endeavoured to shun intricate paths! But he must certainly have views in quarrelling with me thus, which he dare not own!--Yet what can they be?-- I am terrified but to think of what they may be!
Let me but get from him!--As to my reputation, if I leave him--that is already too much wounded for me, now, to be careful about any thing, but how to act so as that my own heart shall not reproach me. As to the world"s censure, I must be content to suffer that--an unhappy composition, however.--What a wreck have my fortunes suffered, to be obliged to throw overboard so many valuables, to preserve, indeed, the only valuable!--A composition that once it would have half broken my heart to think there would have been the least danger that I should be obliged to submit to.
You, my dear, could not be a stranger to my most secret failings, although you would not tell me of them. What a pride did I take in the applause of every one!--What a pride even in supposing I had not that pride!--Which concealed itself from my unexamining heart under the specious veil of humility, doubling the merit to myself by the supposed, and indeed imputed, gracefulness in the manner of conferring benefits, when I had not a single merit in what I did, vastly overpaid by the pleasure of doing some little good, and impelled, as I may say, by talents given me--for what!--Not to be proud of.
So, desirous, in short, to be considered as an example! A vanity which my partial admirers put into my head!--And so secure in my own virtue!
I am punished enough, enough mortified, for this my vanity--I hope, enough, if it so please the all-gracious inflictor: since now, I verily think, I more despise myself for my presumptuous self-security, as well as vanity, than ever I secretly vaunted myself on my good inclinations: secretly, I say, however; for, indeed, I had not given myself leisure to reflect, till I was thus mortified, how very imperfect I was; nor how much truth there is in what divines tell us, that we sin in our best performances.
But I was very young.--But here let me watch over myself again: for in those four words, I was very young, is there not a palliation couched, that were enough to take all efficacy from the discovery and confession?
What strange imperfect beings!--but self here, which is at the bottom of all we do, and of all we wish, is the grand misleader.
I will not apologize to you, my dear, for these grave reflections. Is it not enough to make the unhappy creature look into herself, and endeavour to detect herself, who, from such a high reputation, left to proud and presumptuous self, should by one thoughtless step, be brought to the dreadful situation I am in?
Let me, however, look forward: to despond would be to add sin to sin.
And whom have I to raise me up, whom to comfort me, if I desert myself?-- Thou, O Father, who, I hope, hast not yet deserted, hast not yet cursed me!--For I am thine!--It is fit that mediation should supply the rest.--
I was so disgusted with him, as well as frighted by him, that on my return to my chamber, in a fit of pa.s.sionate despair, I tore almost in two the answer I had written to his proposals.
I will see him in the morning, because I promised I would. But I will go out, and that without him, or any attendant. If he account not tolerably for his sudden change of behaviour, and a proper opportunity offer of a private lodging in some creditable house, I will not any more return to this:--at present I think so.--And there will I either attend the perfecting of your scheme; or, by your epistolary mediation, make my own terms with the wretch; since it is your opinion, that I must be his, and cannot help myself: or, perhaps, take a resolution to throw myself at once into Lady Betty"s protection; and this will hinder him from making his insolently-threatened visit to Harlowe-place.
[The Lady writes again on Monday evening; and gives her friend an account of all that pa.s.sed between herself and Mr. Lovelace that day; and of her being terrified out of her purpose, of going out: but Mr.
Lovelace"s next letters giving a more ample account of all, hers are omitted.
It is proper, however, to mention, that she re-urges Miss Howe (from the dissatisfaction she has reason for from what pa.s.sed between Mr.
Lovelace and herself) to perfect her scheme in relation to Mrs.
Townsend. She concludes this letter in these words:]
I should say something of your last favour (but a few hours ago received) and of your dialogue with your mother--Are you not very whimsical, my dear? I have but two things to wish for on this occasion.--The one, that your charming pleasantry had a better subject than that you find for it in this dialogue--the other, that my situation were not such, as must too often damp that pleasantry in you, and will not permit me to enjoy it, as I used to do. Be, however, happy in yourself, though you cannot in
Your CLARISSA HARLOWE.
LETTER XLVII
MR. LOVELACE, TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
MONDAY MORNING, MAY 22.