Death Is Now My Neighbour.
by Colin Dexter.
Acknowledgements
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Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever (ARISTOPHANES).
DEATH IS NOW MY NEIGHBOUR.
PROLEGOMENON.
January, 1996 A decided boon, therefore, are any multiple-choice items for those pupils in our cla.s.srooms who are either inured to idleness, or guilty of wilful ignorance. Such pupils, if simply and appropriately instructed, have only to plump for the same answer on each occasion - let us say, choice (a) from choices (a) (b) (c) (d) - in order to achieve a reasonably regular score of some 25% 25% of the total marks available. This is a wholly satisfactory return for academic incompetence of the total marks available. This is a wholly satisfactory return for academic incompetence (Crosscurrents in a.s.sessment Criteria: Theory and Practice, HMSO, HMSO, 1983) 1983) "WHAT TIME DO you call this, Lewis?" you call this, Lewis?"
"The missus"s fault. Not like her to be late with the breakfast."
Morse made no answer as he stared down at the one remaining unsolved clue: "Stand for soldiers? (5-4)"
Lewis took the chair opposite his chief and sat waiting for some considerable while, leafing through a magazine.
"Stuck, sir?" he asked finally.
"If I was - if I were were - I doubt I"d get much help from you." - I doubt I"d get much help from you."
"You never know," suggested Lewis good-naturedly. "Perhaps-"
"Ah!" burst out Morse triumphantly - as he wrote in TOASTRACK TOASTRACK. He folded The Times The Times away and beamed across at his sergeant. away and beamed across at his sergeant.
"You - are - a - genius, Lewis."
"So you"ve often told me, sir."
"And I bet you had a boiled egg for breakfast - with I bet you had a boiled egg for breakfast - with soldiers. soldiers. Am I right?" Am I right?"
"What"s that got-?"
"What are you reading there?"
Lewis held up the t.i.tle page of his magazine.
"Lew-is! There are more important things in life than the Thames Valley Police Gazette." Thames Valley Police Gazette."
"Just thought you might be interested in one of the articles here ..."
Morse rose to the bait. "Such as?"
"There"s a sort of test - you know, see how many points you can score: ARE YOU REALLY WISE AND ARE YOU REALLY WISE AND CULTURED?".
"Very doubtful in your case, I should think."
"You reckon you could do better than I did?"
"Quite certain of it."
Lewis grinned. " Quite Quite certain, sir?" certain, sir?"
"Absolutely."
"Want to have a go, then?" Lewis"s mouth betrayed gentle amus.e.m.e.nt as Morse shrugged his indifference. "Multiple-choice questions - you know all about-?" "Get on on with it!" with it!"
"All you"ve got to do is imagine the world"s going to end in exactly one week"s time, OK? Then you"ve got to answer five questions, as honestly as you can."
"And you"ve already answered these questions yourself?"
Lewis nodded.
"Well, if you you can answer them ... Fire away!" Lewis read aloud from the article: can answer them ... Fire away!" Lewis read aloud from the article: Question One Given the choice of only four CDs or ca.s.settes, which one of the following would you be likely to play at least once?
A Beatles alb.u.m Faure"s Requiem Requiem An Evening with Victor Borge The complete overtures to Wagner"s operas With a swift flourish, Morse wrote down a letter.
Question Two Which of these videos would you want to watch?
Casablanca (the film) (the film) England"s World Cup victory (1966) Copenhagen Red-Hot s.e.x (2 hours) (2 hours) The Habitat of the Kingfisher (RSPB) (RSPB) A second swift flourish from Morse.
Question Three With which of the following women would you wish to spend some, if not all, of your surviving hours?
Lady Thatcher Kim Basinger Mother Teresa Princess Diana A third swift flourish.
Question Four If you could gladden your final days with one of the following, which would it be?
Two dozen bottles of vintage champagne Five hundred cigarettes A large bottle of tranquillizers A barrel of real ale Flourish number four, and the candidate (confident of imminent success, it appeared) sat back in the black-leather armchair.
Question Five Which of the following would you read during this period?
Cervantes" Don Quixote Don Quixote Dante"s The Divine Comedy The Divine Comedy A bound volume of Private Eye Private Eye (1995) (1995) Homer"s Iliad Iliad This time Morse hesitated some while before writing on the pad in front of him. "You did the test yourself, you say?"
Lewis nodded. "Victor Borge; the football; Princess Diana; the champagne; and Private Eye. Private Eye. Just hope Princess Di likes Champers, that"s all." Just hope Princess Di likes Champers, that"s all."
"There must be worse ways of spending your last week on earth," admitted Morse.
"I didn"t do so well, though - not on the marking. I"m not up there among the cultured and the wise, I"m afraid."
"Did you expect to be?"
"Wouldn"t you?"
"Of course."
"Let"s hear what you picked, then."
"My preferences, Lewis" (Morse articulated his words with precision) "were as follows: (b); (c); (b); (c); none of them."
Turning to the back page, Lewis reminded himself of the answers putatively adjudged to be correct.
"I don"t believe it," he whispered to himself. Then, to Morse: You scored the maximum!"
"Axe you surprised?"
Lewis shook his head in mild bewilderment.
You chose, what, the Requiem?" Requiem?"
"Well?"
"But you"ve never believed in all that religious stuff."
"It"s important if it"s true, true, though, isn"t it? Let"s just say it"s a bit like an insurance policy. A beautiful work, anyway." though, isn"t it? Let"s just say it"s a bit like an insurance policy. A beautiful work, anyway."
"Says here: "Score four marks for (b). Sufficient recommendation that it was chosen by three of the last four Popes for their funerals.""
Morse lifted his eyebrows. You didn"t know that?"
Lewis ignored the question and continued: "Then you chose the s.e.x video!"
"Well, it was either that or the kingfisher. I"ve already seen Casablanca Casablanca a couple of times - and no one"s ever going to make me watch a football match again." a couple of times - and no one"s ever going to make me watch a football match again."
"But I mean, a s.e.x video ..."
Morse, however, was clearly unimpressed by such obvious disapprobation. "It"d be the choice of those three Popes as well, like as not"
"But it all gets - well, it gets so plain boring boring after a while." after a while."
"So you keep telling me, Lewis. And all I"m asking is the chance to get as bored as everybody else. I"ve only got a week, week, remember." remember."
"I like your next choice, though. Beautiful girl, Kim Basinger. Beautiful" Beautiful"
"Something of a toss-up, that - between her and Mother Teresa. But I"d already played the G.o.d-card."
"Then" (Lewis considered the next answer) "Arrghh, come off it, sir! You didn"t even go for the beer! You"re supposed to answer these questions honestly." honestly."
"I"ve already got plenty of booze in," said Morse. "Certainly enough to see me through to Judgment Day. And I don"t fancy facing the Great Beyond with a blinding hangover. It"ll be a new experience for me -tranquillizers..."
Lewis looked down again, and proceeded to read out the reasons for Morse"s greatest triumph. "It says here, on Question Five, "Those choosing any of the suggested t.i.tles are clearly unfit for high honours. If any choice whatsoever is made, four marks will therefore be deducted from the final score. If the answer is a timid dash - or similar - no marks will be awarded, but no marks will be deducted. A more positively negative answer - e.g. "Come off it!" - will be rewarded with a bonus of four marks."" Again Lewis shook his head. "Nonsense, isn"t it? "Positively negative", I mean."
"Rather nicely put, I"d"ve thought," said Morse.
"Anyway," conceded Lewis, "you score twenty out of twenty according to this fellow who seems to have all the answers." Lewis looked again at the name printed below the article." "Rhadamanthus" - whoever he is."
"Lord Chief Justice of Appeal in the Underworld."
Lewis frowned, then grinned. "You"ve been cheating! You"ve got a copy-"
"No!" Morse"s blue eyes gazed fiercely across at his sergeant. "The first I saw of that Gazette Gazette was when you brought it in just now." was when you brought it in just now."
"If you say so." But Lewis sounded less than convinced.
"Not surprised, are you, to find me perched up there on the topmost twig amongst the intelligentsia?"
""The wise and the cultured", actually."
"And that"s another thing. I think I shall go crackers if I hear three things in my life much more: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"; Eine Kleine Nachtmusik; Eine Kleine Nachtmusik; and that wretched b.l.o.o.d.y word "actually"." and that wretched b.l.o.o.d.y word "actually"."
"Sorry, sir."
Suddenly Morse grinned. "No need to be, old friend. And at least you"re right about one thing. I did cheat -in a way."
"You don"t mean you... ?" you... ?" Morse nodded. Morse nodded.
It had been a playful, pleasant interlude. Yet it would have warranted no inclusion in this chronicle had it not been that one or two of the details recorded herein were to linger significantly in the memory of Chief Inspector E. Morse, of the Thames Valley Police HQ.
PART ONE.
CHAPTER ONE.
In hypothetical sentences introduced by "if and referring to past time, where conditions are deemed to be "unfulfilled", the verb will regularly be found in the pluperfect subjunctive, in both protasis and apodosis (Donet, Principles of Elementary Latin Syntax) Principles of Elementary Latin Syntax) IT IS PERHAPS unusual to begin a tale of murder with a reminder to the reader of the rules governing conditional sentences in a language that is incontrovertibly dead. In the present case, however, such a course appears not wholly inappropriate. unusual to begin a tale of murder with a reminder to the reader of the rules governing conditional sentences in a language that is incontrovertibly dead. In the present case, however, such a course appears not wholly inappropriate.
If (if) (if) Chief Inspector Morse had been on hand to observe the receptionist"s dress - an irregularly triangled affair in blues, greys, and reds - he might have been reminded of the uniform issued to a British Airways stewardess. More probably, though, he might not, since he had never flown on British Airways. His only flight during the previous decade had occasioned so many fears concerning his personal survival that he had determined to restrict all future travel to those (statistically) far more precarious means of conveyance - the car, the coach, the train, and the steamer. Chief Inspector Morse had been on hand to observe the receptionist"s dress - an irregularly triangled affair in blues, greys, and reds - he might have been reminded of the uniform issued to a British Airways stewardess. More probably, though, he might not, since he had never flown on British Airways. His only flight during the previous decade had occasioned so many fears concerning his personal survival that he had determined to restrict all future travel to those (statistically) far more precarious means of conveyance - the car, the coach, the train, and the steamer.