Doesticks, What He Says.
by Q. K. Philander Doesticks.
What He Says.
I.
How Doesticks came to think of it.
It is not pretended that this volume is a work of inspiration, or that any portion of it has been revealed by accommodating "Spirits" through the "Medium" of those crack-brained masculine women, or addle-headed feminine men who profess to act as go-betweens from Earth to the Spirit World.
No part of it has been "rapped" out by uneasy tables, or thumped out by dancing chairs; Doctor Franklin didn"t dictate it; Lord Byron didn"t write it; Napoleon wasn"t consulted about it; Cardinal Richelieu didn"t have a finger in it; George the Third hadn"t anything to do with it; Shakspeare didn"t suggest anything in it; and Benedict Arnold didn"t know anything about it.
That these worthies might have afforded much valuable information, offered many important improvements, and enriched the book with a host of wise opinions, had some sapient "Medium" asked their a.s.sistance, is unquestionable. But as neither Andrew Jackson Davis, or any other spiritual call boy was at the elbow of the writer to summon these desirable but defunct individuals, they were probably left to pursue, in unmolested peace, their favorite and dignified occupations of "tipping"
tables, knocking on part.i.tions, drumming on floors, frightening old women and little girls into hysterics, and upsetting the propriety of whole parlors full of furniture, whole closets full of gla.s.s-ware, and whole cup-boards full of pots, pans and other kitchen gear. For in such intellectual and elevated employments are great men"s ghosts engaged, when they pa.s.s into a more refined state of existence, if we may credit the a.s.sertions of the self-styled "_Spiritualists_."
But, una.s.sisted, and alone, I, the writer, have undertaken this mighty work, instigated only by the Spirits hereinafter referred to, and by the representations of my publisher.
Although at present neither celebrated nor notorious, I have a presentiment that I am speedily about to become one or the other.
Through an accidental rip in the curtain of futurity, I have caught a glimpse of the G.o.ddess of Fame. I have heard her sing out from her rather elevated position for me to come up and take a "hasty plate" of glory; and I have not the heart to refuse the request of such a good-looking female, preferred in such elegant language. I am going to shin up the slippery rope leading to her aerial temple (for accurate dimensions and appearance, see engraving in the old Elementary Spelling Book), for the purpose of taking a hand in the game of literary renown, trusting that Nature has given me trumps enough to make the "game," and that Fortune will deal me all "the honors."
For weeks I have been haunted perpetually by a voice--not a "still, small voice"--but a large voice, a considerable voice; a voice vociferous, unctuous, and ever-present, and withal insinuating, and not wholly distasteful. It has been constant in my ear, suggesting pleasing hopes and fanciful desires; and though its _notes_ were often varied, yet ever was the _theme_ the same; and the constant burden of that ceaseless song was, "Write a book! write a book!"
And in dreams, too, visions of good-looking ladies with wings, came into my 79 chamber, and whispered in my ear, and they too said, "Write a book! write a book!"--and one I thought, with versi-colored plumage, with her finger on her lip, quoted the perpetually murdered Shakspeare prophetically, and, no doubt, with an eye to the success of the volume aforesaid, and said, suiting with a fairy-like gesture the action to the word, "I could a tale unfold." And plucking a snowy quill, she gave it to me, murmuring, as did all the rest, "Write a book! write a book!"
Awoke--put on my pantaloons and boots, and in my shirt sleeves sat down to cogitate. Result is, that I shall use the lengthy quill--I shall accept the pressing invitation of the G.o.ddess of Fame; and in order most effectually to _dis_-tinguish or _ex_-tinguish myself, hereby with malice aforethought, and the penalty of a failure before my eyes, I sit down to write a book.
But my physician informs me that I have got the "cacoethes scribendi,"
which he says is as bad as the small-pox, toothache, and yellow fever.
The disease, he says, must have its course--it may end in a malignant biography--result in an infectious broadsword and blunderbuss, yellow covered novel, or degenerate into a weak form of pseudo-sentimental verse writing, in which latter case, on the appearance of the first symptom he intends to order me a literary tombstone.
Having fully determined upon making this literary effort, it became necessary to make up my mind as to what should be the contents of the work. A mental cogitation ensued. Philander was puzzled to know what Doesticks was going to write about--Philander asked Doesticks--whereupon Doesticks, in order to satisfy Philander, replied as follows, upon hearing which reply Philander was content.
II.
Doesticks satisfies Philander.
What it will be all about, time alone will show, for although I have done a little of almost everything, it has in most instances been _so_ little, that a premeditated autobiography would probably lack incident, and be deficient in interest. I have not as yet invented humbugs enough to earn a _Prince_-ly t.i.tle, and not having made a fortune by ingenious trickery, metallic impudence and barefaced deception, cannot edify the "darling public," by telling how the thing is done.
Never having made fierce love to a lady against her will, followed her from place to place in the small-beer spirit of presumptuous puppyism, been outwitted by her at last, and left to cool my amorous pa.s.sion in a prison, the story of my courtship and its consequence, would not prove attractive.
As I have ever been on good terms with my family, I feel no desire, under the guise of a fict.i.tious narrative, to call any members of it miserly and mean, purse-proud and haughty, or to say that others are conceited, vain, selfish, silly, foppish, or weak-brained.
Novel writing is out of the question. I have tried that, but met with serious difficulties. I couldn"t keep my hero of the same nation--in the first chapter I made him a Spaniard; two pages afterward he was an English n.o.bleman; in the fourth chapter an Oriental juggler, balancing a bamboo ladder on his nose, and making a fig-tree grow out of the calf of his leg--and so on, successively, an Italian image-seller, a Dutch burgomaster, a South American Indian, and a Mississippi steamboat pilot.
I had as much difficulty in permanently locating the country of my fict.i.tious favorite, as the Know-Nothing party of New York in the late election had, in determining the nativity of their candidate for Governor, whose chances of election were fair while he was thought to be an American, but who was finally defeated on the ground that he was a Hindoo, and owned stock in the car of Juggernaut. Poetry has been overdone; the gentle art has culminated in a recent "Spasmodic Tragedy,"
and in the sublime effusions of K. N. PEPPER, ESQ., whose matchless lays have won for him undying fame, and the admiration of several; and who so outruns compet.i.tion that there is nothing left to be done in that direction.
In the play-writing vein, I have also failed; not from any lack of merit in my drama, as the manager solemnly a.s.sured me, but because he had not the menagerie requisite to its proper representation. Improving upon the hint offered by the managers of the "_Thespian Wigwam_," who have added an elephant and a circus company to their company of "gifted artists," I had introduced into my play a rhinoceros, a lioness, two hyenas, a team of "two-forty" reindeers, a couple of ostriches, and a muley-cow,--and even then there was but a slight obstacle--the manager might have procured the animals, but he was afraid the cow would quarrel with the rhinoceros, and so disturb the harmony of his establishment.
But this book, Philander, it will be impossible to cla.s.s as strictly either cla.s.sic, scientific, historical, humorous, or descriptive.
Fantastic and extravagant it will be in many things; but we will do our best to make it agreeable to the palate of the public. I promise everything, like all book-makers, and I shall afterwards perform what is convenient, following the same reliable precedent.
My book shall be full of love and poetry to suit the "fast" young ladies, and shall be written in easy words of two syllables to meet the necessities of the "fast" young men.
I shall praise, flatter, and commend everybody and everything, that everyone may receive his meed of approbation; and I shall also censure, find fault, and criticise in an equally universal manner, that no one may escape his proper castigation.
I shall set forth a great mult.i.tude of fancies, theories, and hypotheses, that those who are fond of innovation may not lack gratification; and I shall immediately proceed to controvert and deny them all, that the conservative portion of community be not offended.
I shall cry down education and instruction, for there are those who consider all teaching an evil; and on the other hand, I shall advocate learning and science, for there is a very respectable minority which insist that the people may advantageously be taught something more.
I shall not stand up for love and charity, for it might induce people to love the wrong persons, and to give their pennies to imposters; and yet I shall not eulogize avarice and hate, for there are a few who think benevolence and kindness preferable even to these.
I shall not throw my influence in the scale of Protestantism lest the Catholics should take offence, nor yet shall strive to build up Catholicism, lest thereby the dislike of the Orthodoxy be incurred. Nor shall I show myself a partisan of religion of any kind, for the Atheist says it is all a farce. Neither shall I endeavor to inculcate principles of infidelity, for there is still an occasional prejudice in favor of Christianity.
It will be "a work which no gentleman"s library should be without." It is considered necessary to the safety of the Union, that its democratic principles be thoroughly disseminated, and it is indispensable to the stability of the English throne that its monarchical doctrines be thoroughly comprehended. Every man, woman, child, ca.n.a.l driver, billiard marker, faro dealer, and member of Congress will be provided with a copy, thereby preserving the Union, destroying our liberties, and keeping unsullied the honor and dignity of "OUR FLAG."
I hope the public will be as well satisfied by this eloquent speech as Philander was, that this book is one of immense utility, and will consequently peruse the same with a huge degree of gratification.
[Ill.u.s.tration: Doesticks on a Bender.]
III.
Niagara.
I was never given to accepting the decisions of others as gospel in any cases where it was possible for me to manufacture a home-made opinion of my own; and I did not greatly wonder at myself when I discovered that my emotions, when I first beheld that great aqueous brag of universal Yankeedom, Niagara, were not of the stereotyped and generally-considered-to-be-necessary--sort. The letter which follows, and which is all the reminiscence of my visit extant, was published soon after, and extensively copied, and was, in fact, the first article which bore the name of Doesticks.
IV.
Doesticks on a Bender.
I have been to Niagara--you know Niagara Falls--big rocks, water, foam, Table Rock, Indian curiosities, squaws, moccasins, stuffed snakes, rapids, wolves, Clifton House, suspension bridge, place where the water runs swift, the ladies faint, scream, and get the paint washed off their faces; where the aristocratic Indian ladies sit on the dirt and make little bags; where all the inhabitants swindle strangers; where the cars go in a hurry, the waiters are impudent, and all the small boys swear.