"True, for you, my boy," said the father; "your mother has the wisdom of the family."
Milly Dilworth"s face grew dully red to the roots of her hair; a wave of anger rose up in her inarticulate heart. They called her old, these two. She could hardly see her plate for tears.
Edwin, however, was so thrilled by the elegance of his sentiment that he was eager to repeat it to Miss Hayes; but, somehow, he always had difficulty in introducing the subject of age. When he did succeed in getting in his little speech, she said that he impressed her very much when he said things like that. "Your insight is wonderful," she murmured, looking at him with something like awe in her eyes. (Miss Helen was never cunning with Ned.)
"I guess you"re the only person that thinks so," Ned said; "at home they"re always making fun of me."
"My friend," she said, gravely, "what else can you expect? You are an eagle in a pigeon"s nest. I don"t mean to criticise your family, but you know as well as I that you are--different. You are an inspiration to me," she ended. And Ned blushed with joy.
It certainly is inspiring to be told you are an inspiration.... Mr.
Thomas Dilworth did not blush when he learned that mentally he was the most stimulating person that Miss Hayes had ever met; but he had an agreeable consciousness of his superiority, which he made no effort to conceal from his wife. He never made any effort to conceal anything from Milly, not even that fondness for female society which Mrs.
Drayton had deplored.
And by-and-by Milly"s tears began to lie very near the surface. They never gathered and fell, but perhaps they dropped one by one on her heart, leaving their imprint of patiently accepted pain. At this time she thought of her own mental deficiencies very constantly. Her mind had no flexibility, and she reached conclusions only by toilsome processes; but once reached, they were apt to be permanent. Her slow reasoning at this time led her to conclude that her Thomas was not to blame because he admired some one who was cleverer than she. "Why, he"d be foolish not to," she thought, sadly.
But this eminently reasonable conclusion did not save Mrs. Dilworth from turning white and red with misery, when, for instance, her husband observed that he had had to take down two bars of the Gordon fence, so that Miss Hayes could go home across lots. Then Thomas chuckled, and added that Helen Hayes was the brightest woman he knew.
He did not go on to tell of his walk in the October dusk, and Miss Helen"s arch appeal to him for instruction on a certain political point on which she was ignorant. Thomas had instructed her so fully and volubly, while she looked at him with her reverent gaze, that it had grown dark; and that was why he had to take her home across lots.
Thomas had not mentioned these details; he merely said he thought Miss Helen Hayes a bright woman--the brightest, to be exact, that he knew.
And yet his Milly went into the kitchen pantry and hid her face in the roller behind the door and sobbed.
Well, of course! It"s very absurd. A fat, wordless woman, who ought to be darning her children"s stockings, it"s very absurd for her to be weeping into a roller because her man, who has loved her for forty-three years, eleven months, twenty-nine days, twenty-three hours, and forty minutes--her man, to whom she is as absolutely necessary as his old slippers or his shabby old easy-chair--because this man does not think her the brightest woman he knows. But absurd as it is, it is suffering.
The woman of faithful heart who has been left behind mentally by her husband is a tragic figure, even if she is at the same time a little ridiculous--poor soul! Her futile, panting efforts to catch up; her brave, pitiful blunders; her antics of imitation; her foolish pink lawn frocks--of course they are funny; but the midnight tears are not funny, nor the prinking (behind locked doors), nor the tightened dresses, nor the stealthy reading to "improve the mind"--that poor, anxious, limited mind which knows only its duty to its dearest and best. These things mean the pain--a hopeless pain--of the recognition of limitations.
What did it matter that once a year Tom announced that he had loved his Amelia for so many years, months, days, hours, and minutes?--He did not talk to her about the President"s letter! But he talked to Helen Hayes about it. And yet she was a pale thing. "She never had my color,"
poor Milly thought; "and they say she doesn"t get along well at home.
And she"s no housekeeper. Mrs. Hayes herself told me she was just real useless about the house. I can"t understand it."
Of course she could not understand it. What feminine mind ever understood why uselessness attracts a sensible man? It is so foolish that even the most foolish woman cannot explain it.
As the autumn closed in on Old Chester, n.o.body in the family noticed Milly Dilworth"s heavier look and deeper silence. Tom himself was more talkative than usual; business had been good, and he was going to get something handsome out of a deal he had gone into with Hayes. This took him often to the Hayeses" house; and after the two men had had their talk, Miss Helen was to be found at the parlor fireside, very arch and eager with questions, but most of all so respectful of Tom"s opinions. His Amelia was respectful of his opinions, too, but in such a different way. Perhaps just at this time Thomas Dilworth pitied himself a little--the middle-aged husband does pity himself once in a while. Perhaps he sighed--certainly he whistled. There is no doubt that Mrs. Drayton would have felt he was wandering from his Amelia--at least in imagination. And yet Tom was as settled and grounded in love for his middle-aged wife as he ever had been.
This, however, cannot be understood by those who do not know that the male creature, good and honest and faithful as he may be, is at heart a Mormon.
"I declare," Tom said, coming home at twelve o"clock at night--"I declare I feel younger."
Milly was silent.
Then Tom began to whistle:
[Ill.u.s.tration: music fragment]
Then he broke off to say that he didn"t think that Helen Hayes was over-happy at home. "The Hayeses are commonplace people, and she is very superior. I guess they don"t get along well."
Milly thought to herself that when a girl didn"t get along with her own mother it didn"t speak well for the girl; but she did not say so.
But Thomas went on to declare that he didn"t know what to make of Ned.
"Hanging round the Hayeses till I"m ashamed of him! Why doesn"t he know better? I never bored a woman to death when I was his age." And his wife thought, in heavy silence, that there were other people who hung round the Hayeses.
However, Thomas made his feeling so clear to his son that during the winter Ned was never seen at the Hayeses" on the same evening that his father was there. But there was an hour in the afternoon, from five to six, when the boy was free and Thomas was busy with his spades and buckets;--but you can"t look after a boy every minute.
IV
Poor Amelia, in her bedroom, in the chilly December dusk, sopped her eyes with cold water and looked in the gla.s.s. "I _mustn"t_ cry any more," she said to herself, despairingly--"they"re so red now!"
A door opened down-stairs, and there was a burst of laughter; and Mrs.
Dilworth, in the cold twilight, went on sopping her eyes. Tom and the girls evidently didn"t need her. "They could get along just as well without me. And if the Lord would take me, Tom could--could--so he could--"
Her soul was dumb, even to itself; but she knew what it was that Tom "could" do.
And she knew it without bitterness. Like every other woman whose love for her husband has in it the maternal element (and most good women"s love has this element), she had always felt that if she died Thomas ought to marry again; but this simple creature went one ahead of that rather elementary feeling, and specified: she was willing to have him marry _her_.
"If the Lord would only remove me," said poor Milly, looking miserably in the gla.s.s at her plump figure, which showed no indications of removal. Her eyes were hopelessly red; she didn"t see how she could possibly go down to supper. But of course she had to go down. The mother of a family and the mistress of one servant must go down to supper, no matter what the condition of her eyes may be. She slunk into her seat behind her teacups, and scarcely dared to look about her noisy, hungry circle, still less at her Thomas, who was smiling to himself, but who did not share his amus.e.m.e.nt with his family. Still, when he suddenly said something about the refreshment of talking to intelligent people, it was not hard to guess the direction of his thoughts. "It sharpens your brains up," said Thomas. "I was going to suggest, Milly, that you should ask Helen Hayes to tea again; but she"s got company; and when they leave she"s going off to make a visit to some of her relations, she tells me."
Amelia"s mild lips tightened silently. So they had been together again. Her hand shook as she poured out another cup of tea for her Thomas, who took that moment to say, with all a husband"s candor, that she was getting fatter than ever. "I thought you were starving yourself to get thin, Milly?" he said, smiling. Milly smiled, too, faintly; but she was saying to herself: "What did they talk about? How long were they together? Oh, if I could only be taken away!"
It would be interesting to follow the processes of a mind like Mrs.
Dilworth"s: how did a wife and mother of children reach the point of feeling that her family would be better off without her? Anybody in Old Chester could have told her such a belief was folly, and wicked folly at that. But it seemed just plain reason to Milly Dilworth: "I"m not necessary to anybody. Thomas likes somebody younger. He can"t marry her because I"m alive; he could marry her (and she would be good to the children) if I were not here. But I _am_!" she would end, hopelessly.
Morning after morning, as she went about her household duties, or when before tea she sat in her little, old rocking-chair, mending the family stockings, she used to break herself against the hopelessness of the situation: She was there; and unless the Lord would remove her (any other sort of removal was impossible to her devout imagination) Tom could not have what he wanted--yes, and needed, too. For it was at this period that Mrs. Dilworth recognized, what most wives of men do recognize at one time or another, that although being a wife and mother is the only vocation of a married woman, being a husband and father is only one of many vocations of a married man. Hence the companionship of an eminently worthy wife is almost never enough for the male creature. When this harsh truth burst upon Milly, she wiped her eyes on the stocking she was mending and groaned aloud. But she did not rail against the fact, nor did she attempt to deny it; wherein she showed a superfeminine intelligence. She only said to herself that Thomas could not have what he wanted while she was alive; yet she couldn"t, it seemed, die, although she was so miserable that she didn"t know how she lived! It was at this point that she began to make wild schemes to relieve the situation: Suppose she asked that Hayes girl to come and make them a visit? But no--a man wants more than to just look at a pretty girl across the table. Suppose she went away herself and made a visit, and asked Miss Helen Hayes to come and keep house for her? (Like all good wives, Milly had no hesitation in offering up another woman to the pleasure of her lord.) No; people would talk about Tom if she did that.... The amount of it was, poor Milly, although she did not know it, was really planning that Thomas should have two wives at the same time--and, dear me! how that would simplify things! There would be the old, sensible, matter-of-fact wife to mend his stockings and order his good dinner and nurse him through the indigestion consequent upon the dinner--the old, anxious wife, who has had the children and reared them, who has planned and economized and toiled with him, who has borne the burden and heat of the day at his side--the prosaic wife, who gives, unasked, such good advice. Every one will admit that this elderly person has been, and (to a limited degree) still is, a necessity to every Thomas. But sometimes Thomas thinks, in his simple way, that it would be pleasant to have the luxuries as well as the necessities of life; to have, for instance, a young wife--a pretty wife, clever and light-hearted and gayly tyrannical; a wife who never knew enough to advise anybody, who should be a relaxation and a refreshment, _and just a little bit of a fool_; for, as every intelligent (unmarried) woman knows, men like fools; feminine fools. Of course the trouble is that if you supply a wife for two sides of a man"s character--for utility, so to speak, and for diversion--he may, not unreasonably, demand that every side and angle and facet of his jewel-like nature have its own feminine setting. That was probably Solomon"s idea. Well, well! the time is not yet for this reasonable arrangement; and it is possible that trade in galvanized buckets will never warrant its extensive existence.
But all this is very frivolous compared to the reality of this poor woman"s pain, a pain that finally evolved a plan which, although less picturesque than the harem, was of the same grade in the eye of the law, though, curiously enough, not in her own eye. She could not, as she expressed it to herself, be dead, so that her Thomas might have his wish; _but he could think she was dead_.
When this extraordinary idea came into Milly Dilworth"s head, she felt as one imprisoned in darkness who sees, far off, the glimmer of daylight. He "could think she was dead!" And if he thought so, of course there could be nothing wrong in his marrying "_her_." (Miss Hayes"s moral status did not enter into Milly"s calculations.)
The light in her darkness dazzled poor Milly at first, and the way was not clear. It took two weeks of further thought to decide upon the step, and then to evolve its details; but one need not go into them as Milly did.... As she sat at her work, day after day, she thought her plan out slowly and toilsomely. At first she kept balking at the enormity of it. Then some chance word would betray Tom"s admiration for brains, and she would beat and spur her mind up to her project again.... And at last she accepted it.... Once accepted, the thing was settled. Her mind had about as much flexibility as a bar of lead, and there was no changing it. It only remained to decide upon the details. This she did slowly and painfully. Each step was planned, each contingency arranged for.
And by-and-by the day came to act.
The night before, at supper, Mrs. Dilworth, her hands stumbling among her teacups, said, faintly, "I"m going over to the other side of the river to-morrow to order some chickens from Mrs. Kensy."
"That Kensy house is right by the railroad station," Ned said, scowling; "I don"t believe she has any hens."
"Yes, she has, Neddy," said Mrs. Dilworth.
Edwin frowned blackly. "I do wish you wouldn"t call me by that absurd name, mother."
"I keep forgetting, Neddy dear."
Edwin held up his hands despairingly.
"What are you two people talking about?" demanded Thomas.
"I"m going to walk over, across the ice, to the Bend, to-morrow," said Milly.