She held out her hand, there in the rain on the black cinder-path, and William King struck his into it with a sort of shout.
"Hurrah!" he said, as she had said when they had come out from hearing the sentence in the Mercer doctor"s office.
The long ride home in the stage, in which they were the only pa.s.sengers, was perhaps a descending scale.... At first they talked of the circus. "I liked the man and the bear best," William said.
"Oh, he wasn"t as fine as that beautiful lady in pink petticoats who rode the fat, white horse. Did you ever see a horse with so broad a back, w.i.l.l.y? Why, I could have ridden him myself."
"He would need a broad back," William said; and Miss Harriet told him to hold his tongue and not be impudent. The rain was pattering on the roof and streaming down the windows, and in the dark, damp cavern of the stage they could not see each other"s face very well; but the stretches of tense silence in the circus talk made William King"s heart beat heavily, although he burst out gayly that the afternoon had brought back his youth. "Miss Harriet, when you were a child, didn"t you always want to poke around under the seats when it was over and find things? William Rives once found five cents. But William would find five cents in the Desert of Sahara. I never had his luck, but I was confident that watches were dropped freely by the spectators."
"Of course," cried Miss Harriet. "Or diamond-rings. My fancy led me towards diamond-rings. But I suppose you never knew the envy of the ladies" clothes? Dear me--those petticoats!"
"The ring-master"s boots were very bitter to me; but my greatest desire was--"
"w.i.l.l.y," Miss Harriet said, hoa.r.s.ely, "I don"t want anybody to know."
"Of course not," William King said. "Why should they? We may hold this thing at bay for--"
"We will hold it at bay," she said, with pa.s.sion. "I will! I _will_!
Do you hear me?"
w.i.l.l.y King murmured something inarticulately; his eyes suddenly smarted.
The ride to Old Chester seemed to him interminable; and when, after wandering s.n.a.t.c.hes of talk about the circus, the stage at last drew up at the green gate in Miss Harriet"s privet hedge, his nerves were tense and his face haggard with fatigue.
At home, at his belated supper-table, his good Martha was very severe with him. "You oughtn"t to allow yourself to get so tired; it"s wrong.
You could just as well as not have ordered your things by mail. I must say, William, flatly and frankly, that a doctor ought to have more sense. I hope there was n.o.body in the stage you knew to talk you to death?"
"Miss Harriet came down," William said, "but she hadn"t much to say."
"I suppose she went to buy some of her horrid supplies?" Martha said.
"I can"t understand that woman--catching things in traps. How would she like to be caught in a trap? I asked her once--because I am always perfectly frank with people. "How would you like to be caught in a trap, Miss Harriet?" I said. And she said, "Oh, Annie would let me out." You never can get a straight answer out of Harriet Hutchinson."
"My dear, I"ll take another cup of tea. Stronger, please."
"My dear, strong tea isn"t good for you," Martha said.
IV
When Miss Harriet woke the next morning the blue June day was flooding her room. At first she could not remember.... What was the something behind her consciousness? It came in an instant. "_Trapped_," she said, aloud, and turned her head to see Miss Annie at her bedside.
"What is trapped, sister?" said Miss Annie, her little old face crumpling with distress.
"I am," Harriet said; and laughed at the absurdity of telling Annie in such a fashion. But of course there was no use in telling Annie. She couldn"t understand, and all that there was for her to know, the ultimate fact, she would find out soon enough. The younger sister felt a sick distaste of dealing with this poor mind; she wanted to be kind to Annie; she had always wanted to be kind to her--but she didn"t want her round, that was all. And so she sent her off, patiently and not ungently: "Don"t bother me, Annie, that"s a good girl. No--I don"t want any roses; take them away. No--I don"t want to look at pictures.
You go away now, that"s a good girl."
And the wrinkled child obeyed meekly. But she told the deaf Augustine that Harriet was cross. "I"m the oldest, and she oughtn"t to order me round," she whimpered.
Poor Miss Annie was constantly being told to be a good girl and go away, in the days that followed--days, to Miss Harriet, of that amazement and self-concentration which belong to such an experience as hers. There had been no leading up to this knowledge that had come to her--no gradual preparation of apprehension or suspicion. The full speed of living had come, _crash!_ against the fact of dying. The recoil, the pause, the terrible astonishment of that moment when Life, surging ahead with all his banners flying, flings himself in an instant against the immovable face of Death--leaves the soul dazed by the shock--dazed, and unbelieving. "_It cannot be._" That is the first clear thought. It is impossible; there is a mistake somewhere. A day ago, an hour ago, Death was lying hidden far, far off in the years.
Sometime, of course, he would arrive--solemn, inevitable, but beneficent, or at least serene. He would send soft warnings before him--faint tollings of fatigue, vague mists of sunset shadows. The soul will be ready for him when he comes then; will even welcome him, for after a while Life grows a little tired and is ready to grasp that cool hand and rest. We all know how to meet Death then, with dignity and patience. But to meet him to-morrow--to-day, even, when we are full of our own business, of our own urgent affairs--the mere interruption of it is maddening. Across the solemnity of the thought comes with grotesque incongruity an irritated consciousness of the _inconvenience_ of dying.
As for Harriet Hutchinson--"I don"t believe it," she said to herself, that first morning. And then, breathlessly, "Why, I can"t--die!"
She was not afraid, as one counts fear, but she was absorbed; for there is a dreadful and curiously impersonal interest in the situation that takes possession of the mind in moments like this. No wonder she could not think about Annie. She could not think about anything except that that man in Mercer had said that in a very short time--
"Why, but it"s perfectly ridiculous!" she told herself; "it _can"t_ be.
I"m not sick--"
As she lay there in her bed that morning, after she had sent Miss Annie away, she lifted her hand--a large hand, with strong, square fingers, brown with weather and rough with her work, and looked at it curiously.
It was a little thin--she had not noticed that before; but there it was, eager, vital, quick to grip and hold, life in every line. And it would be--still? No; she did not believe it. And, besides, it couldn"t be, it mustn"t be. She had a hundred things to do. She must do them; she couldn"t suddenly--_stop_. Life surged up in a great wave of pa.s.sionate determination. She got up, eager to go on living, and to deny, deny, deny! It was the old human experience which is repeated and repeated until Life can learn the fulfilment of Death. Poor Life, beaten by the whips of pain, it takes so long sometimes to learn its lesson!
In those weeks that followed--weeks of refusal, and then struggle, and then acceptance, and last of all adjustment--Miss Harriet found old Annie"s companionship almost intolerable. She was very unreasonable with her, very harsh even; but all she asked was solitude, and solitude Annie would not give. She ran at her sister"s heels like a dog; sat looking at her with frightened eyes in the bad hours that came with relentlessly increasing frequency; came whimpering to her bedside on those exhausted mornings when Harriet would scourge her poor body onto its feet and announce that she was going out. "These four walls smother me," she used to say; "I must get out-of-doors."
Sometimes it seemed as if the big, kind nature that had borne the pin-p.r.i.c.ks so patiently all these years had reached the breaking-point, and another day or another hour of poor old Annie"s foolish love would cause it to burst out in frantic anger:
"It hurts, sister?"
"Yes, Annie; but never mind. If I could only get out-of-doors I wouldn"t mind."
"Oh, sister, don"t let it hurt."
"Can"t help it, Annie. Now, don"t think about it, that"s a good girl.
Maybe I can get out to-morrow a little while."
"But I can"t bear it."
"Got to, my dear. Come, now, run away. Go and see your chickens."
"Sister, I can"t bear it."
"Annie, you drive me wild. Augustine--oh, she can"t hear.
_Augustine!_ you must take Miss Annie away. Annie, if you say another word--"
"I"m the oldest and I have a right to talk. Why don"t you smell your big bottle? When the squirrels smell it they are not hurt."
"Well, I"m not a squirrel. Annie, if you stay another minute, I"ll--I"ll-- Oh, for Heaven"s sake, let me alone!"
She could stand it, she told herself, if she was alone. For though she finally accepted the fact, her own weakness she could not accept. "I am ashamed," she told William King, angrily.
"But there"s nothing to be ashamed of," w.i.l.l.y King protested, in his kind way. "Dear Miss Harriet--"
"Hold your tongue. Nothing to be ashamed of? I guess if your body had put your soul in a corner, with its face to the wall--I guess you"d be ashamed. Yesterday I--I-- Well, never mind. But my body got me down, I tell you--got my soul down. Isn"t that something to be ashamed of?
Don"t be an a.s.s, William. I"m ashamed."
It was this consciousness of her own weakness that made her hold herself aloof from her friends.
In those days people did not have trained nurses; they nursed one another. It was not skilful nursing; it frequently was not wise, as we count wisdom to-day; but it was very tender and loving, and it was very bracing. In these softer times, when we run so easily to relief from pain, we do not feel the presence of the professional nurse a check upon our weakness; if we suffer, we are willing that this skilful, noiseless machine, who will know exactly how to relieve us, shall see the suffering. We are neither mortified nor humiliated by our lack of endurance or of courage. But in Old Chester, when we were ill, and some friend or relative came to sit by our bedside, we had--for their sakes--to make an effort to control ourselves. If the effort failed, our souls blushed. Miss Harriet would not run the risk of failure; her body, as she said, got the better of her soul when she was alone; it should not have the chance to humiliate her publicly; so, roughly, she refused the friendly a.s.sistance so eagerly offered: "Thank you; Augustine can look after me. I don"t want anybody. And besides, I"m perfectly comfortable. (William, I won"t have anybody. Do you understand? It"s bad enough to disgrace myself in my own eyes; I won"t have Matty Barkley sit and look on.)"