"Yes! Those proofs you have been talking of lately--your publishers--anything will do!"
Margaret was thoroughly angry with him and with herself by this time, and he was deeply hurt, and they turned and walked stiffly, with their noses in the air, as if they never meant to speak to each other again.
"It"s very odd!" Margaret observed at last, as if she had made a discovery.
"What is very odd?"
"I never liked you as much as I did a quarter of an hour ago, and I never disliked you as much as I do now! Do you understand that?"
"Yes. You make it very clear. I never heard any thing put more plainly."
"I"m glad of that. But it"s very funny. I detest you just now, and yet, if you go away at once, I know I shall be sorry. On the whole, do you know?--you had better not leave to-night."
Lushington turned sharply on her.
"Are you playing with me?" he asked, in an angry tone.
"No," she answered with exasperating coolness, "I don"t think I am.
Only, you are two people, you see. It confuses me. You are Mr.
Lushington, and then, the next minute, you"re--Tom. I hate Mr.
Lushington. I believe I always did. I wish I might never see him again."
"Oh indeed! How about Tom?"
"Tom is rather bearable than otherwise," Margaret answered, laughing again. "He knows that I think so, too, and it"s no reason why he should be always trying to keep out of the way!"
"He has no right to be in the way."
"Then he ought never to have come here. But since he has, I would rather have him stay."
When she had thus explained herself with perfect frankness and made known her wishes, Margaret seemed to think that there was nothing more to be said. But Lushington thought otherwise.
"Why do you hate Mr. Lushington?" he asked.
"Because he is a fraud," Margaret answered. "As you have just told me that he is, you cannot possibly deny it, and you can"t quarrel with me for not liking him. So there!"
All her good-humour had come back, the cold sparkle in her eyes had turned into afternoon sunshine, and she swung her closed parasol gently on one finger by its hook as she walked, nodding her head just perceptibly as if keeping time with it. She expected an answer, a laugh perhaps, or a retort; but nothing came. She glanced sideways at Lushington, thinking to meet his eyes, but they were watching the ground as he walked, a yard before his feet. She turned her head and looked at his face, and she realised that it was a little drawn, and had grown suddenly pale, and that there were dark shadows under his eyes which she had never seen before. The healthy, shy, rather too youthful mask was gone, and in its place she saw the features of a mature man who was quietly suffering a great deal. She fancied that he must often look as he did now, when he was alone.
"Could any one do anything to make it easier for you?" she asked softly, after a moment.
He looked up quickly in surprise, and then shook his head, without speaking.
"Because, if I could help you, I would," she added.
"Thank you. I know you would," He spoke with real grat.i.tude, and the colour began to come back to his face. You see, it"s not a thing that can be changed, or helped, or bettered. It"s a condition from which I cannot escape, and I"ve got to live in it. It would have been easier if I had never met you, my dear Miss Donne!"
He straightened himself and put on something of the formality that had become a habit with him, as it easily does with shy men who feel much.
"Please don"t call me Miss Donne," Margaret said, very low.
"Margaret----" he paused on the syllables, as he almost whispered them.
"No!" he said, suddenly, as if angry with himself. "That"s silly! Don"t make me do such things, please, or I shall hate myself! Nothing in the world can ever change what is, and I shall never have the right to put out my hand and ask you to marry me. The best we can do is to say good-bye, and I"ll try to keep out of your way. Help me to do that, for it"s the only help you can ever give me!"
"I don"t believe it," Margaret answered. "We can always be friends, if we cannot be anything else."
Lushington shook his head incredulously, but said nothing.
"Why not?" Margaret asked, clinging to her idea. "Why can"t we like each other, be very, very fond of each other, and meet often, and each help the other in life? I don"t want to know your secret. I won"t even call you Tom, as I want to, and you shall be as stiff and formal with me as you please. What do such things matter, if we really care? If we really trust one another, and know it? The main thing is to know, to be absolutely sure. Why do you wish to go away, just when I"ve found out how much I want you to stay? It"s not right, and it"s not kind! Indeed it"s not!"
They had been walking very slowly, and now she stood still and faced him, waiting for his answer.
He looked steadily into her eyes as he spoke.
"I don"t think I can stay," he said slowly. "You can"t tear love up by the roots and plant it in a pot and call it friendship. If you try, something will happen. Excuse me if the simile sounds lyric, but I don"t happen to think of a better one, on the spur of the moment. I"ll behave all right before the others, but I had better go away to-morrow morning. The thing will only get worse if I keep on seeing you."
Margaret heard the short, awkward sentences and knew what they cost him. She looked down and stuck the bright metal tip of her parasol into the thin dry mud of the macadamised road, grinding it in slowly, half round and half back, with both hands, and unconsciously wondering what made the earth so hard just in that place.
"I wish I were a man!" she said all at once, and the parasol bent dangerously as she gave it a particularly vicious twist, leaning upon it at the same time.
"It would certainly simplify matters for me, if you were," said Lushington coldly.
She looked up with a hurt expression.
"Oh, please don"t go back to that way of talking!" she said. "It"s bad enough, as it is! Don"t you see how hard I am trying?"
"I"m sorry," Lushington said. "Don"t pay any attention to what I say.
I"m all over the place."
He mumbled the words and turned away from her as he stood. She watched him, and desisted from digging holes in the ground. Then, as he did not look at her again she put out one hand rather shyly and touched his sleeve.
"Look at me," she said. "What is this for? What are we making ourselves miserable about? We care for each other a great deal, much more than I had any idea of this morning. Why should we say good-bye? I don"t believe it"s at all necessary, after all. You have got some silly, quixotic idea into your head, I"m sure. Tell me what it is, and let me judge for myself!"
"I can"t," he answered, in evident distress. "You may find out what it is some day, but I cannot tell you. It"s the one thing I couldn"t say to anybody alive. If I did, I should deserve to be kicked out of decent society for ever!"
She saw the look of suffering in his face again, and she felt as if she were going to cry, out of sympathy.
"Of course," she faltered, "if it would be--what you call dishonourable--to tell----"
"Yes. It would be dishonourable to tell."
There was a little silence.
"All I can hope," he continued presently, "is that you won"t believe it"s anything I"ve done myself."
"Indeed, indeed I don"t. I never could!"
She held out her hand and he took it gladly, and kept it in his for a moment; then he dropped it of his own accord, before she had made the least motion to take it back.
They walked on without speaking again for a long time, and without wishing to speak. When they were in sight of Mrs. Rushmore"s gate Margaret broke the silence at last.