It was training. He was always professional, always rational, and when good reasons made him want to get up, drag Jase out of the chair and pound Jase"s head against the wall, he didn"t. This was, he reminded himself, a man capable of gentle humor and lightning wit, though neither was in evidence tonight.
"I"m telling you," Jase said, "I don"t know if I can take it. I don"t know that any more, Bren."
"And you know that it"s not only you in danger if you cave in. So you won"t. That"s all. You won"t."
"I can"t exist here and not talk to human beings except on a radio!"
That stung. That really rather stung, right in the area of his own self-doubts. Bren sat there quite still and told himself there was nothing emotionally significant to him in Jase"s unthought remark.
But to the diplomat, it was significant information regarding Jase"s view of him.
And being the diplomat, he didn"t bring that slip to Jase"s attention. Pointing out that Jase might have a bias against the natives, including humans on Mospheira, was an egg which, the atevi proverb had it, once cracked, had to be eaten.
And, in truth, it was possible he himself didn"t wholly trust the Pilots" Guild, the old human distinction between crew and pa.s.sengers on the ship. The crew had once maintained the pa.s.sengers didn"t have a vote, until the descendants of the crew needed the descendants of the pa.s.sengers for dangerous and vital work.
There was a lot of history between the long-ago pa.s.sengers and the crew; and a lot at stake for the ship in that interface. The Pilots" Guild had never wanted the Landing, and had given in on the issue only grudgingly and in the confidence the project would have no support from the station management. The ship had surely expected to return to a s.p.a.cefaring civilization with a well-maintained station, maybe with the original landing party dead; but not what they"d met - no station presence, no launch capacity, and a thriving planetary colony with very touchy relations with the native atevi.
"I understand your frustration," he said finally, and maybe Jase never realized his slip, but d.a.m.n sure if Jase were taking the tests to enter the Foreign Studies program over on Mospheira, he"d have washed out, right there, first for making the slip, and then for not realizing it.
Though, again, maybe Jase did realize. Once you learned, atevi-style, to disconnect your face from your thoughts, you grew harder and harder to track in human terms.
And old friends in the human world grew harder and harder to keep.
"I know," Jase said. "I know that you do, Bren. But -"
Jase left that statement unfinished.
"You may never be be what I am," Bren said. "I say that with no arrogance at all. You may not want to be. But your way to s.p.a.ce has to go through atevi construction workers, to whom the paidhiin must be polite and infallibly encouraging, and it has to go through Tabini-aiji, to whom the paidhiin must be useful, and we can never, ever forget either fact." what I am," Bren said. "I say that with no arrogance at all. You may not want to be. But your way to s.p.a.ce has to go through atevi construction workers, to whom the paidhiin must be polite and infallibly encouraging, and it has to go through Tabini-aiji, to whom the paidhiin must be useful, and we can never, ever forget either fact."
"I try. G.o.d, I"m trying."
"I know you are."
"Bren - Bren, tell me the truth. Tell me the honest truth. When that s.p.a.cecraft goes up, am I really going to go with it?"
What in h.e.l.l brought that on? he asked himself. "Who said otherwise?" he asked.
"I just want to hear it."
"There"ll be test flights. But when it"s proven safe, you"ll go."
"Dependent on the aiji"s permission, of course."
"He"ll let you go."
"How do I know that?"
"Well, outside of the fact he said so - which is considerable a.s.surance - he"s investing quite a lot in your education. This place. The training. Why shouldn"t he want you on the job translating to the ship?"
"I might be a hostage."
"It"s not the aiji"s style. It wouldn"t be dignified."
"He did with Hanks."
"Say he knows the Mospheiran government. It"s different different. He chose not to shoot her."
"I don"t see the difference. What about when he wants something from my my people?" people?"
"Have you had a hint he does?"r- - "Don"t be naive, Bren."
"Whatever brought this this up?" up?"
"I just want to know there"s going to be an end to this!"
"It doesn"t seem to me you"re being reasonable. Why do you think he wouldn"t let you go?"
"Look - I want to get out of this apartment. Who do you have to ask?"
Maybe Jase wouldn"t have washed out of the program. The paidhi, experienced in diplomacy, nearly fell into that little pitfall.
"I can take you wherever I like."
"Then why not not on this last trip? Why not on the next?" on this last trip? Why not on the next?"
Because it wasn"t that simple. But Jase wasn"t in a reasoning mood. "You go nowhere until you learn the verb forms." That set it at some distance. "And until you don"t make statements as rash as that you just made about our hosts."
"The h.e.l.l with the verb forms!"
First the disorientation, then the anger. He"d been there, too. At least Jase wasn"t fool enough to d.a.m.n Tabini. "You can die of old age on this planet if we mistranslate a design spec and the program fails. You could die sooner if you don"t understand culturally where you"re likely to find security wires. You can die if your insults to the aiji disturb the peace of this country. Or you can sit idle and become a ward of the state while I do your work. These are serious choices. It is not not "to h.e.l.l with the verb forms." Your choices otherwise are all unpalatable." "to h.e.l.l with the verb forms." Your choices otherwise are all unpalatable."
He"d made Jase mad. Real mad. But Jase didn"t get up from his chair and stalk from the room as he"d done once last autumn.
"You do it even in human language," Jase said, "don"t you?"
"What?"
"Nadi," Jase said in measured tones, in Ragi, and with no expression whatever, "one understands my options to be balanced with a felicitous fifth choice."
"That being?"
"The one you wish: my compliance, nadi."
He had had posed it in a foursome, infelicitous four, when three, the human cultural choice, was felicitous. And Jase had at least posed it in a foursome, infelicitous four, when three, the human cultural choice, was felicitous. And Jase had at least felt felt it. "Good. Very good. You"re catching on." it. "Good. Very good. You"re catching on."
"Nand" Saidin has a.s.signed a servant to a.s.sist me. And I have worked, nadi. I work very long hours because I hope for a release from this confinement and a s.e.xual a.s.signation with my job."
He didn"t laugh. He didn"t let his face twitch. "An opportunity."
Jase"s face went red.
"Yes, nadi. An opportunity."
"I"m encouraged, nadi-ji, none the less. And I shall make every effort to include you in the next itinerary. Jase, it will get easier."
"How do do you stand it?" you stand it?"
A deep breath. A sip of the liquor. "Stubbornness. I had alternatives early on. Now there aren"t any. You do what you have to."
"You could quit. You could go back."
"I"d have Deana Hanks for my successor."
"Does that matter matter? Ultimately you"re one man. After you, things will be what they"ll be. Does that matter?"
"Yes, it d.a.m.n well matters. This is my job."
The conversation was depressing him. He didn"t want to discuss his own situation. He didn"t think it would help.
"You have people hara.s.sing your family," Jase said.
"Where did you hear that that?"
Jase had a troubled look. "I"m not deaf. And, as you say, I do do pick up things from the staff now." pick up things from the staff now."
"My family"s situation isn"t the official situation. There is is a difference, Jase, and the ship needs to know that. Theoretically -" Theoretically the government was looking for the perpetrators. But it never found them. The police never caught anyone. And he had to ask himself how long before he had to hold international politics hostage to the threats against his family and get Tabini to demand something be done. a difference, Jase, and the ship needs to know that. Theoretically -" Theoretically the government was looking for the perpetrators. But it never found them. The police never caught anyone. And he had to ask himself how long before he had to hold international politics hostage to the threats against his family and get Tabini to demand something be done.
It was what the perpetrators wanted. It was exactly exactly what they wanted. It would give what they wanted. It would give them them the leverage to threaten the government and become noisier than they were. And he tried to deaden his nerves and not react when he got news that upset him. the leverage to threaten the government and become noisier than they were. And he tried to deaden his nerves and not react when he got news that upset him.
"Theoretically -" Jase said. Possibly Jase didn"t know that word.
He"d not wanted, for one other thing, to lose his credibility in a descent into name-calling and accusations. He"d never wanted to bring the whole of the stresses on him into question in the household here: it would raise concerns even with the staff. But maybe Jase was was able to understand the complexity of the constraints on him. Maybe he"d been around atevi long enough not to draw wrong conclusions and maybe it able to understand the complexity of the constraints on him. Maybe he"d been around atevi long enough not to draw wrong conclusions and maybe it was was time to lay some of the truth on the table, if Jase was listening behind doors. He changed to Mosphei". time to lay some of the truth on the table, if Jase was listening behind doors. He changed to Mosphei".
"More than theoretically, Jase, the sons of b.i.t.c.hes are calling my mother at three in the morning. She"s got a heart condition. - But they"re freelance operators so far as I know. Isolationists. Pro-s.p.a.cers. Anti-s.p.a.cers. The whole d.a.m.n gamut, Jase. It"s the radical fringe that wants another war. Or an end to building on the north sh.o.r.e. I"m sure Ms. Mercheson has had lunch with them, though I haven"t wanted to act as if I were trying to affect her her independent judgment. They"ll be perfectly polite to her. They"ll be dressed in their Sunday best and telling her atevi can"t be trusted." He knew he"d wandered further than he"d intended, into areas he probably shouldn"t discuss with Jase, politically speaking. But if he didn"t find a starting point to include Jase on the inside of the information flow, Jase couldn"t understand the atevi"s chosen isolation, either. independent judgment. They"ll be perfectly polite to her. They"ll be dressed in their Sunday best and telling her atevi can"t be trusted." He knew he"d wandered further than he"d intended, into areas he probably shouldn"t discuss with Jase, politically speaking. But if he didn"t find a starting point to include Jase on the inside of the information flow, Jase couldn"t understand the atevi"s chosen isolation, either.
The h.e.l.l with it, he thought. It was was time to talk, seriously, about the con job the Mospheiran government was bound to be trying on Yolanda Mercheson; and he"d tried to take the high ground rather than have his own side sound like a con job. But that strategy could backfire, if Jase had gotten some report from Yolanda that painted the other side of the strait as flawless and cooperative; and he wasn"t sorry to have hit Jase with the nastier truths of Mospheira"s underside. time to talk, seriously, about the con job the Mospheiran government was bound to be trying on Yolanda Mercheson; and he"d tried to take the high ground rather than have his own side sound like a con job. But that strategy could backfire, if Jase had gotten some report from Yolanda that painted the other side of the strait as flawless and cooperative; and he wasn"t sorry to have hit Jase with the nastier truths of Mospheira"s underside.
"There"s a lot of humans," he said, in Ragi again, and more calmly, "who don"t want atevi to go to s.p.a.ce. And among those, some are crazy. Some are honest, law-abiding citizens."
"An infelicity of two: you mean - some are neither."
That was a first. He was was pleased. If Jase had gotten that far, they pleased. If Jase had gotten that far, they could could talk, and he was ready to do so. "Just so, nadi. Better and better. Another such improvement and I might well present you at court." talk, and he was ready to do so. "Just so, nadi. Better and better. Another such improvement and I might well present you at court."
"Not - quite ready for that, I think."
"But very much better. I don"t know if information helps the digestion, but that"s the truth from my side. What"s yours?"
A slight hesitation. Then: "My father"s dead."
For a moment he didn"t even hear it. Or didn"t believe he could have heard what he thought he had.
"G.o.d, Jase. - When?" He couldn"t figure out how Jase would learn such a thing. Whenever the ship called, it created a stir in the household; and he hadn"t heard of it.
"Four days ago. - I got it from Yolanda Yolanda. I haven"t even been able to call my mother. Security wouldn"t let me call the ship because you hadn"t left instructions and I couldn"t reach you."
That was the distress over the period out of contact. That was the aborted conversation before supper. was the distress over the period out of contact. That was the aborted conversation before supper.
"d.a.m.n. d.a.m.n d.a.m.n, Jase, what do I say? - I"m sorry."
"It"s one of those things, you know. Just one of those things. He just - just was working -" The gla.s.s trembled in Jase"s fingers, and he lifted it and drank. "An accident. Yolanda had talked to the ship. She heard. She thought I already had. She offered condolences - All right?" The gla.s.s met the small table. Click. "But I haven"t been able to call her her back. I found out four days ago and I haven"t been able to get hold of you. I haven"t been able to call the ship." back. I found out four days ago and I haven"t been able to get hold of you. I haven"t been able to call the ship."
He had to revise a great many estimations of Jase, with this performance, both cool-headed and confrontational, recklessly so: Here"s what I know, be d.a.m.ned to you, I want off this planet Here"s what I know, be d.a.m.ned to you, I want off this planet.
No wonder wonder Jase had been bearing down on the lessons in the last several days. To the point of hysteria, alternated with cold, clear, b.l.o.o.d.y-minded function. He was speaking now in Ragi and doing it with steady self-control. Jase had been bearing down on the lessons in the last several days. To the point of hysteria, alternated with cold, clear, b.l.o.o.d.y-minded function. He was speaking now in Ragi and doing it with steady self-control.
"Jase. I didn"t hear. I don"t know why I didn"t hear. And I don"t know why you didn"t get a call from the ship. I"ll ask official questions. I"m extremely sorry."
The facial nerves were very very well under control, as perhaps his were. He forgot, he feared, to adjust between languages. Between mindsets, he forgot to respond in the human sense. He well under control, as perhaps his were. He forgot, he feared, to adjust between languages. Between mindsets, he forgot to respond in the human sense. He forgot forgot to use human expressions. to use human expressions.
"Jase." He switched to Mosphei" and, like an actor a.s.suming a role, brought expression consciously to his face. "I didn"t know. I"m going to find out why I didn"t know. I know that atevi will be concerned that you didn"t learn this in any proper way."
"Can we use the word "care" here? Are we finally permitted?"
"In this, Jase, I a.s.sure you the staff would care."
"Shed tears, I"m sure."
"No." He refused to back up from the attack, and equally refused to attack back. "But making demands like that serves no one. - I"m sorry sorry. I"m extremely sorry. I put you off and I"m sorry. I wish I"d been here. I am here now. Can I do anything?"
"No. I"ve been keeping up with my studies." Jase"s tone was light, his eyes distracted by something across the room. The wall, perhaps. Or a blowing curtain. "It"s the only choice I have, isn"t it?"
"Is your mother all right?"
Slight pause. Restrainedly, then: "I have no idea."
"d.a.m.n. d.a.m.n, Jase. I will will straighten out the phone situation." straighten out the phone situation."
"I"d like to talk to my mother. Privately. If you can arrange that."
He didn"t know what to say. "I"ll arrange something. As soon as I can. Do you want to speak to her tonight?"
"If she"s gotten to sleep, I"d rather not disturb her this late." The ship-folk had sensibly adjusted their day-night schedule to the Mospheira-Shejidan time zone. And it was still evening up there on the ship, as it was evening here, but he didn"t argue that fine point with Jase, either.
Excuse, he thought. And asked himself why, and with what motive, and didn"t come up with charitable answers, a reaction he didn"t trust in himself. He He was angry. He didn"t know why that was, either. He didn"t think he was angry at Jase. Or the staff. Having just talked about his own home situation, he knew why he was angry. He didn"t know why that was, either. He didn"t think he was angry at Jase. Or the staff. Having just talked about his own home situation, he knew why he might might be angry. be angry.
He wasn"t sure, though, why he was was angry, or at what he could even be angry, and was far less certain that his anger would do any possible good to anyone. angry, or at what he could even be angry, and was far less certain that his anger would do any possible good to anyone.
The servant came in, hesitated, and at a slight lifting of his hand, poured two more drinks.