"I am afraid I know what you mean," said Mrs. Robarts in a low tremulous voice, and with deep sorrow painted on her face.
"Of course you do; of course you know; you have known it all along: since that day in the pony-carriage. I knew that you knew it. You do not dare to mention his name: would not that tell me that you know it? And I, I am hypocrite enough for Mark; but my hypocrisy won"t pa.s.s muster before you. And, now, had I not better go to Devonshire?"
"Dearest, dearest Lucy."
"Was I not right about that labelling? O heavens! what idiots we girls are! That a dozen soft words should have bowled me over like a ninepin, and left me without an inch of ground to call my own. And I was so proud of my own strength; so sure that I should never be missish, and spoony, and sentimental! I was so determined to like him as Mark does, or you--"
"I shall not like him at all if he has spoken words to you that he should not have spoken."
"But he has not." And then she stopped a moment to consider. "No, he has not. He never said a word to me that would make you angry with him if you knew of it. Except, perhaps, that he called me Lucy; and that was my fault, not his."
"Because you talked of soft words."
"f.a.n.n.y, you have no idea what an absolute fool I am, what an unutterable a.s.s. The soft words of which I tell you were of the kind which he speaks to you when he asks you how the cow gets on which he sent you from Ireland, or to Mark about Ponto"s shoulder. He told me that he knew papa, and that he was at school with Mark, and that as he was such good friends with you here at the parsonage, he must be good friends with me too. No; it has not been his fault. The soft words which did the mischief were such as those. But how well his mother understood the world! In order to have been safe, I should not have dared to look at him."
"But, dearest Lucy--"
"I know what you are going to say, and I admit it all. He is no hero.
There is nothing on earth wonderful about him. I never heard him say a single word of wisdom, or utter a thought that was akin to poetry.
He devotes all his energies to riding after a fox or killing poor birds, and I never heard of his doing a single great action in my life. And yet--"
f.a.n.n.y was so astounded by the way her sister-in-law went on, that she hardly knew how to speak. "He is an excellent son, I believe," at last she said.
"Except when he goes to Gatherum Castle. I"ll tell you what he has: he has fine straight legs, and a smooth forehead, and a good-humoured eye, and white teeth. Was it possible to see such a catalogue of perfections, and not fall down, stricken to the very bone? But it was not that that did it all, f.a.n.n.y. I could have stood against that. I think I could at least. It was his t.i.tle that killed me. I had never spoken to a lord before. Oh, me! what a fool, what a beast I have been!" And then she burst out into tears.
Mrs. Robarts, to tell the truth, could hardly understand poor Lucy"s ailment. It was evident enough that her misery was real; but yet she spoke of herself and her sufferings with so much irony, with so near an approach to joking, that it was very hard to tell how far she was in earnest. Lucy, too, was so much given to a species of badinage which Mrs. Robarts did not always quite understand, that the latter was afraid sometimes to speak out what came uppermost to her tongue.
But now that Lucy was absolutely in tears, and was almost breathless with excitement, she could not remain silent any longer. "Dearest Lucy, pray do not speak in that way; it will all come right. Things always do come right when no one has acted wrongly."
"Yes, when n.o.body has done wrongly. That"s what papa used to call begging the question. But I"ll tell you what, f.a.n.n.y; I will not be beaten. I will either kill myself or get through it. I am so heartily self-ashamed that I owe it to myself to fight the battle out."
"To fight what battle, dearest?"
"This battle. Here, now, at the present moment, I could not meet Lord Lufton. I should have to run like a scared fowl if he were to show himself within the gate; and I should not dare to go out of the house, if I knew that he was in the parish."
"I don"t see that, for I am sure you have not betrayed yourself."
"Well, no; as for myself, I believe I have done the lying and the hypocrisy pretty well. But, dearest f.a.n.n.y, you don"t know half; and you cannot and must not know."
"But I thought you said there had been nothing whatever between you."
"Did I? Well, to you I have not said a word that was not true. I said that he had spoken nothing that it was wrong for him to say. It could not be wrong--. But never mind. I"ll tell you what I mean to do. I have been thinking of it for the last week--only I shall have to tell Mark."
"If I were you I would tell him all."
"What, Mark! If you do, f.a.n.n.y, I"ll never, never, never speak to you again. Would you--when I have given you all my heart in true sisterly love?"
Mrs. Robarts had to explain that she had not proposed to tell anything to Mark herself, and was persuaded, moreover, to give a solemn promise that she would not tell anything to him unless specially authorized to do so.
"I"ll go into a home, I think," continued Lucy. "You know what those homes are?" Mrs. Robarts a.s.sured her that she knew very well, and then Lucy went on: "A year ago I should have said that I was the last girl in England to think of such a life, but I do believe now that it would be the best thing for me. And then I"ll starve myself, and flog myself, and in that way I"ll get back my own mind and my own soul."
"Your own soul, Lucy!" said Mrs. Robarts, in a tone of horror.
"Well, my own heart, if you like it better; but I hate to hear myself talking about hearts. I don"t care for my heart. I"d let it go--with this young popinjay lord or anyone else, so that I could read, and talk, and walk, and sleep, and eat, without always feeling that I was wrong here--here--here," and she pressed her hand vehemently against her side. "What is it that I feel, f.a.n.n.y? Why am I so weak in body that I cannot take exercise? Why cannot I keep my mind on a book for one moment? Why can I not write two sentences together? Why should every mouthful that I eat stick in my throat? Oh, f.a.n.n.y, is it his legs, think you, or is it his t.i.tle?"
Through all her sorrow,--and she was very sorrowful,--Mrs. Robarts could not help smiling. And, indeed, there was every now and then something even in Lucy"s look that was almost comic. She acted the irony so well with which she strove to throw ridicule on herself! "Do laugh at me," she said. "Nothing on earth will do me so much good as that; nothing, unless it be starvation and a whip. If you would only tell me that I must be a sneak and an idiot to care for a man because he is good-looking and a lord!"
"But that has not been the reason. There is a great deal more in Lord Lufton than that; and since I must speak, dear Lucy, I cannot but say that I should not wonder at your being in love with him, only--only that--"
"Only what? Come, out with it. Do not mince matters, or think that I shall be angry with you because you scold me."
"Only that I should have thought that you would have been too guarded to have--have cared for any gentleman till--till he had shown that he cared for you."
"Guarded! Yes, that"s it; that"s just the word. But it"s he that should have been guarded. He should have had a fire-guard hung before him--or a love-guard, if you will. Guarded! Was I not guarded, till you all would drag me out? Did I want to go there? And when I was there, did I not make a fool of myself, sitting in a corner, and thinking how much better placed I should have been down in the servants" hall. Lady Lufton--she dragged me out, and then cautioned me, and then, then-- Why is Lady Lufton to have it all her own way?
Why am I to be sacrificed for her? I did not want to know Lady Lufton, or any one belonging to her."
"I cannot think that you have any cause to blame Lady Lufton, nor, perhaps, to blame anybody very much."
"Well, no, it has been all my own fault; though for the life of me, f.a.n.n.y, going back and back, I cannot see where I took the first false step. I do not know where I went wrong. One wrong thing I did, and it is the only thing that I do not regret."
"What was that, Lucy?"
"I told him a lie."
Mrs. Robarts was altogether in the dark, and feeling that she was so, she knew that she could not give counsel as a friend or a sister.
Lucy had begun by declaring--so Mrs. Robarts thought--that nothing had pa.s.sed between her and Lord Lufton but words of most trivial import, and yet she now accused herself of falsehood, and declared that that falsehood was the only thing which she did not regret!
"I hope not," said Mrs. Robarts. "If you did, you were very unlike yourself."
"But I did, and were he here again, speaking to me in the same way, I should repeat it. I know I should. If I did not, I should have all the world on me. You would frown on me, and be cold. My darling f.a.n.n.y, how would you look if I really displeasured you?"
"I don"t think you will do that, Lucy."
"But if I told him the truth I should, should I not? Speak now. But no, f.a.n.n.y, you need not speak. It was not the fear of you; no, nor even of her: though Heaven knows that her terrible glumness would be quite unendurable."
"I cannot understand you, Lucy. What truth or what untruth can you have told him if, as you say, there has been nothing between you but ordinary conversation?"
Lucy then got up from the sofa, and walked twice the length of the room before she spoke. Mrs. Robarts had all the ordinary curiosity--I was going to say, of a woman, but I mean to say, of humanity; and she had, moreover, all the love of a sister. She was both curious and anxious, and remained sitting where she was, silent, and with her eyes fixed on her companion.
"Did I say so?" Lucy said at last. "No, f.a.n.n.y; you have mistaken me: I did not say that. Ah, yes, about the cow and the dog. All that was true. I was telling you of what his soft words had been while I was becoming such a fool. Since that he has said more."
"What more has he said, Lucy?"
"I yearn to tell you, if only I can trust you;" and Lucy knelt down at the feet of Mrs. Robarts, looking up into her face and smiling through the remaining drops of her tears. "I would fain tell you, but I do not know you yet,--whether you are quite true. I could be true,--true against all the world, if my friend told me. I will tell you, f.a.n.n.y, if you say that you can be true. But if you doubt yourself, if you must whisper all to Mark--then let us be silent."
There was something almost awful in this to Mrs. Robarts. Hitherto, since their marriage, hardly a thought had pa.s.sed through her mind which she had not shared with her husband. But now all this had come upon her so suddenly, that she was unable to think whether it would be well that she should become the depositary of such a secret,--not to be mentioned to Lucy"s brother, not to be mentioned to her own husband. But who ever yet was offered a secret and declined it? Who at least ever declined a love secret? What sister could do so? Mrs.
Robarts therefore gave the promise, smoothing Lucy"s hair as she did so, and kissing her forehead and looking into her eyes, which, like a rainbow, were the brighter for her tears. "And what has he said to you, Lucy?"
"What? Only this, that he asked me to be his wife."