"Lord Lufton proposed to you?"
"Yes; proposed to me. It is not credible, is it? You cannot bring yourself to believe that such a thing happened, can you?" And Lucy rose again to her feet, as the idea of the scorn with which she felt that others would treat her--with which she herself treated herself--made the blood rise to her cheek. "And yet it is not a dream. I think that it is not a dream. I think that he really did."
"Think, Lucy!"
"Well, I may say that I am sure."
"A gentleman would not make you a formal proposal, and leave you in doubt as to what he meant."
"Oh dear, no. There was no doubt at all of that kind; none in the least. Mr. Smith in asking Miss Jones to do him the honour of becoming Mrs. Smith never spoke more plainly. I was alluding to the possibility of having dreamt it all."
"Lucy!"
"Well, it was not a dream. Here, standing here, on this very spot--on that flower of the carpet--he begged me a dozen times to be his wife.
I wonder whether you and Mark would let me cut it out and keep it."
"And what answer did you make to him?"
"I lied to him and told him that I did not love him."
"You refused him?"
"Yes; I refused a live lord. There is some satisfaction in having that to think of, is there not? f.a.n.n.y, was I wicked to tell that falsehood?"
"And why did you refuse him?"
"Why? Can you ask? Think what it would have been to go down to Framley Court, and to tell her ladyship in the course of conversation that I was engaged to her son. Think of Lady Lufton. But yet it was not that, f.a.n.n.y. Had I thought that it was good for him, that he would not have repented, I would have braved anything--for his sake.
Even your frown, for you would have frowned. You would have thought it sacrilege for me to marry Lord Lufton! You know you would."
Mrs. Robarts hardly knew how to say what she thought, or indeed what she ought to think. It was a matter on which much meditation would be required before she could give advice, and there was Lucy expecting counsel from her at that very moment. If Lord Lufton really loved Lucy Robarts, and was loved by Lucy Robarts, why should not they two become man and wife? And yet she did feel that it would be--perhaps not sacrilege, as Lucy had said, but something almost as troublesome.
What would Lady Lufton say, or think, or feel? What would she say, and think, and feel as to that parsonage from which so deadly a blow would fall upon her? Would she not accuse the vicar and the vicar"s wife of the blackest ingrat.i.tude? Would life be endurable at Framley under such circ.u.mstances as those?
"What you tell me so surprises me, that I hardly as yet know how to speak about it," said Mrs. Robarts.
"It was amazing, was it not? He must have been insane at the time; there can be no other excuse made for him. I wonder whether there is anything of that sort in the family?"
"What; madness?" said Mrs. Robarts, quite in earnest.
"Well, don"t you think he must have been mad when such an idea as that came into his head? But you don"t believe it; I can see that.
And yet it is as true as heaven. Standing exactly here, on this spot, he said that he would persevere till I accepted his love. I wonder what made me specially observe that both his feet were within the lines of that division."
"And you would not accept his love?"
"No; I would have nothing to say to it. Look you, I stood here, and putting my hand upon my heart,--for he bade me to do that,--I said that I could not love him."
"And what then?"
"He went away,--with a look as though he were heart-broken. He crept away slowly, saying that he was the most wretched soul alive. For a minute I believed him, and could almost have called him back. But, no, f.a.n.n.y; do not think that I am over proud, or conceited about my conquest. He had not reached the gate before he was thanking G.o.d for his escape."
"That I do not believe."
"But I do; and I thought of Lady Lufton too. How could I bear that she should scorn me, and accuse me of stealing her son"s heart? I know that it is better as it is; but tell me--is a falsehood always wrong, or can it be possible that the end should justify the means?
Ought I to have told him the truth, and to have let him know that I could almost kiss the ground on which he stood?"
This was a question for the doctors which Mrs. Robarts would not take upon herself to answer. She would not make that falsehood matter of accusation, but neither would she p.r.o.nounce for it any absolution. In that matter Lucy must regulate her own conscience. "And what shall I do next?" said Lucy, still speaking in a tone that was half tragic and half jeering.
"Do?" said Mrs. Robarts.
"Yes, something must be done. If I were a man I should go to Switzerland, of course; or, as the case is a bad one, perhaps as far as Hungary. What is it that girls do? they don"t die now-a-days, I believe."
"Lucy, I do not believe that you care for him one jot. If you were in love you would not speak of it like that."
"There, there. That"s my only hope. If I could laugh at myself till it had become incredible to you, I also, by degrees, should cease to believe that I had cared for him. But, f.a.n.n.y, it is very hard. If I were to starve, and rise before daybreak, and pinch myself, or do some nasty work,--clean the pots and pans and the candlesticks; that I think would do the most good. I have got a piece of sack-cloth, and I mean to wear that, when I have made it up."
"You are joking now, Lucy, I know."
"No, by my word; not in the spirit of what I am saying. How shall I act upon my heart, if I do not do it through the blood and the flesh?"
"Do you not pray that G.o.d will give you strength to bear these troubles?"
"But how is one to word one"s prayer, or how even to word one"s wishes? I do not know what is the wrong that I have done. I say it boldly; in this matter I cannot see my own fault. I have simply found that I have been a fool."
It was now quite dark in the room, or would have been so to any one entering it afresh. They had remained there talking till their eyes had become accustomed to the gloom, and would still have remained, had they not suddenly been disturbed by the sound of a horse"s feet.
"There is Mark," said f.a.n.n.y, jumping up and running to the bell, that lights might be ready when he should enter.
"I thought he remained in Barchester to-night."
"And so did I; but he said it might be doubtful. What shall we do if he has not dined?"
That, I believe, is always the first thought in the mind of a good wife when her husband returns home. Has he had his dinner? What can I give him for dinner? Will he like his dinner? Oh dear, oh dear!
there is nothing in the house but cold mutton. But on this occasion the lord of the mansion had dined, and came home radiant with good-humour, and owing, perhaps, a little of his radiance to the dean"s claret. "I have told them," said he, "that they may keep possession of the house for the next two months, and they have agreed to that arrangement."
"That is very pleasant," said Mrs. Robarts.
"And I don"t think we shall have so much trouble about the dilapidations after all."
"I am very glad of that," said Mrs. Robarts. But nevertheless she was thinking much more of Lucy than of the house in Barchester Close.
"You won"t betray me," said Lucy, as she gave her sister-in-law a parting kiss at night.
"No; not unless you give me permission."
"Ah; I shall never do that."