Train children early to answer politely when addressed, to avoid restless, noisy motions when in company, and gradually inculcate a love of the gentle courtesies of life. By making the rules of etiquette habitual to them, you remove all awkwardness and restraint from their manners when they are old enough to go into society.
Never send a child to sit upon a sofa with grown people, unless they express a desire to have it do so.
Never crowd a child into a carriage seat between two grown people.
Never allow a child to play with a visitor"s hat or cane.
If children are talented, be careful you do not weary your friends, and destroy their own modesty by "showing them off," upon improper occasions. What may seem wonderful to an interested mother, may be an unutterable weariness to a guest, too polite to allow the mother to perceive the incipient yawn.
Never allow children to visit upon the invitation of other children. When they are invited by the older members of the family, it is time to put on their "best bibs and tuckers."
Never take children to a house of mourning, even if you are an intimate friend.
The custom for having children in the drawing-room for morning or evening parties, or in the dining-room with the dessert at dinner companies, is not only often an annoyance to the guests, but bad for the children themselves.
It is one of the first duties of parents to train their children at home as they would have them appear abroad. An English lady writes thus:
"If, then, we desire that our children shall become ladies and gentlemen, can we make them so, think you, by lavishing money upon foreign professors, dancing-masters, foreign travel, tailors, and dressmakers? Ah, no! good breeding is far less costly, and begins far earlier than those things. Let our little ones be nurtured in an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upwards; let them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an ill-tempered word are alike unknown; where between father and mother, master and servant, mistress and maid, friend and friend, parent and child, brother and sister, prevails the law of truth, of kindness, of consideration for others, and forgetfulness of self. Can they carry into the world, whither we send them later, aught of coa.r.s.eness, of untruthfulness, of slatternliness, of vulgarity, if their home has been orderly, if their parents have been refined, their servants well mannered, their friends and playmates kindly and carefully trained as themselves? Do we want our boys to succeed in the world; our girls to be admired and loved; their tastes to be elegant; their language choice; their manners simple, charming, refined, and graceful; their friendship elevating? then we must ourselves be what we would have our children to be, remembering the golden maxim, that good manners, like charity, must begin at home.
"Good manners are an immense social force. We should, therefore, spare no pains to teach our children what to do, and what to avoid doing, in their pathway through life.
"On utilitarian as well as social principles, we should try to instruct our children in good manners; for whether we wish them to succeed in the world, or to adorn society, the point is equally important. We must never lose sight of the fact, that here teachers and professors can do little, and that the only way in which it in possible to acquire the habits of good society is to live in no other."
GAMES WITH CARDS.
MARRIED ladies and elderly gentlemen are allowed to claim precedence at the card-table, over single young ladies and the younger men. Ladies of "a certain age," if single, can claim the privileges of the card-table with married ladies.
Etiquette does not require any one to play unwillingly. It is very rude to urge the request, as many have conscientious scruples on this matter, though they may not care to wound the feelings of those playing by proclaiming them.
It is not kind, however, and therefore it is not etiquette, to refuse to play, if there are no such scruples, when the refusal prevents a game being made up.
None should attempt to play--whist, for instance--unless really able to do so moderately well. It is not fair to impose a poor partner upon one who may be really fond of the game and play well.
It is not etiquette for those very fond of card-playing to victimize every guest by producing cards whenever they call, whether they care for playing or not. Many will play from good- nature who would prefer to pa.s.s the time in conversation.
Husband and wife, or any partners who may be supposed to be intimately acquainted with each other"s play, should not play together. It is taking an unfair advantage of the other couple for them to play partners.
If playing for stakes, the gentleman pays for his lady partner in the event of loss; but does not receive her winnings.
All violations of the known rules of the game are violations of the laws of etiquette as well. Yet, if such violations are made, they should be pointed out in a quiet and courteous manner, not made the subject of violent dispute or censure. Any altercations are violations of the laws of etiquette. Loss of temper, no matter how continuous the ill-luck, is a breach of manners; so are objurgations of one"s partner"s performances, and criticisms on the play of partner or adversary. In whist, as in marriage, the partner is taken for better for worse, and in neither case should an ill-a.s.sorted couple try to make matters worse than they are by grumbling and growling at each other.
It is a breach of etiquette to talk constantly upon other subjects whilst engaged in a game of cards. Whist, as all good players know, is a game that requires close attention, and almost absolute silence; and the other games can be much disturbed by talking.
To converse with those who are not playing is still worse. It is a violation of all courtesy to allow the attention to be diverted at all. If addressed while at the game, make your answer as brief as politeness will permit, and give your whole attention to the game again. No one can play so well with divided attention; and you may be certain it is an annoyance to your partner, even if your opponent does not object to it.
Any appearance of an understanding between partners, as smiles, nods, or winks, are gross violations, not only of the laws of the game, but of good manners.
To finger the cards whilst they are being dealt is a breach of good manners. Even if you do not violate the laws of the game by actually looking at them, you are committing an error in etiquette by seeming to be in any way aware of their existence before you are at liberty to take them in your hand.
Never start a conversation that would lead to long argument or discussion in the pauses of the game. Small talk, chit-chat, is certainly admissible whilst the cards are being dealt, but only upon topics which can be readily dropped when the play is again the leading subject.
To play cards with an air of weariness or abstraction is positively rude. If you are not interested in the game, strive to appear so, and if you are not equal to that, you had better stop playing.
Try to avoid argument upon nice points in playing. Even if you are right, it is more courteous to yield to your adversary than to keep others waiting whilst you prove your position.
Etiquette by no means requires stakes of money. If counters are not provided for betting games, you may refuse to bet, without any breach of good manners.
In your own house, never offer guests any but _new_ cards to play with.
It is a violation of etiquette to propose card-playing in another person"s house. This is the privilege of the host or hostess, and if they do not suggest the amus.e.m.e.nt, it is absolutely rude for any one else to do so.
It is a breach of etiquette to hurry others who are playing.
Nothing annoys a deliberate player more than to have a partner or adversary constantly saying, "Come, play; it is your turn now,"
or, "We are all waiting for you."
Even if you take no pleasure in cards, some knowledge of the etiquette and rules belonging to the games most in vogue will be useful to you, unless you object upon principle to playing. If so, it is better at once to state the fact. If not, and a fourth hand is wanted at a rubber, or if the rest of the company sit down to a round game, you will be deemed guilty of a want of politeness if you refuse to join.
The games most common are whist, loo, euchre, vingt-un, and speculation.
Whist requires four players. A pack of cards being spread upon the table, with their faces downward, the four players draw for partners. Those who draw the two highest, and those who draw the two lowest, become partners. The lowest of all claims the deal.
In declaring that married people may not play at the same table, society by no means understands anything so disgraceful as dishonest collusion; but persons who play regularly together cannot fail to know so much of each other"s mode of acting under given circ.u.mstances that the chances no longer remain perfectly even in favor of their adversaries.
VISITING CARDS.
THE fashion of cards is a variable one. It may be the fashion to- day to have them large, square, and printed upon rough surfaces; to-morrow they may be small, long, and highly glazed; now they are engraved; now written. In fact, there are too many freaks and changes to mention all; but etiquette requires always perfect simplicity. An ornamental visiting card is simply detestable.
Glazed cards are not now in vogue, but they may be again, and ladies" cards are cut much smaller than those used by gentlemen.
Persons who have a city and country residence must have two sets of cards, with the residence at the time of calling engraved on the left-hand corner, thus:
MRS. JOHN POTTS, No. 27 --- STREET,
while Mrs. Potts is in the city, and
MRS. JOHN POTTS, CEDARS,
when Mrs. Potts is out of town. Visiting cards must never bear a business address.
All merely honorary or official designations must be omitted, except in cards designed for official visits only.
Officers of the army or navy may use their t.i.tle or not, as preferred, as:
CAPT. JAMES BURNS, U.S.A.,
Or,