Even though they were hobbled by these strict rules, women still found a way to approach a man they desired.
If a woman was out for a stroll and spied a man she"d like to get to know better, she would drop her handkerchief as she pa.s.sed by, then continue walking. The gallant hero, taking note of the handkerchief that had fallen to the ground in his path, would pick up the handkerchief and run after the lady to return the item to her, demonstrating that he was indeed a chivalrous, kind, and considerate gentleman. This also provided him with the chance to open a conversation with her, beginning with, "You dropped this, madam?"
This would allow the gallant hero to believe that fate had conspired with Cupid, dropping the white handkerchief of the perfect woman directly in his path. Of course, the woman would know the truth, that she had orchestrated the entire interaction.
She chose him and she made the first move. But it was subtle, simple, and elegant. It was a first move in disguise. Nothing that happened afterward would have taken place had she not dropped her handkerchief.
Obviously, women don"t carry white handkerchiefs as a matter of course anymore, but that"s no reason to ditch what is fundamentally a genius approach to getting a guy to initiate a conversation. As we know, most guys won"t come over and say h.e.l.lo of their own accord. This doesn"t mean they"re not looking for an excuse to come over. That"s all the white handkerchief approach is at bottom-a way of signaling to a guy you"ve selected that he can speak to you without fear of being rejected.
The Modern-Day White Handkerchief Approach My new, retooled version for the twenty-first century solves the conundrum of how a high-value woman can initiate contact with the guy of her choice without chasing him. At the same time, it permits the guy to feel it is he who has boldly taken advantage of an opportunity that fate has put in his path.
The look Most people have an undeservedly high opinion of their ability to get the most out of eye contact. I"ve witnessed dozens of women during my weekend seminars sit in a pub, flash a guy a split-second look from the corner of their eye, then spin back around to their friends and say, "Okay, he knows I"ve seen him. If he doesn"t come over now then he"s not interested."
Meanwhile, the guy is oblivious. Anyone, aside from the woman who threw him a millisecond glance that even the Flash would miss, could see that the guy had no clue that anything had transpired, much less a woman conveying her interest in him.
My experience has been that what you may think is a blatant signal, a guy will interpret as you looking for the whereabouts of the bartender or the bathroom. Just looking in his general direction doesn"t count as a "look."
Men are not good at picking up on body language cues. Psychological studies repeatedly tell us that the average woman is far more capable than the average man of interpreting nonverbal cues. This means that when it comes to us guys, you"ve got to lay it on thicker than you think is necessary. Often we really are as clueless as you suppose we are.
As a rule, women always overestimate the confidence of men. He"s not James Bond (even if he is trying to work the Bond persona); he"s just some guy hoping to get through the evening without looking like an idiot. Most guys are not confident enough to come over on the off chance that your quick glance was for them and not the waiter.
To get a guy"s attention might require you to give a guy two looks.
Give him one half-second look, a brief turn of your head and a flash of eye contact to encourage him to notice you, then turn back to your friends (your book, your phone, your gin and tonic). This look is not meant to convey anything other than that you"ve noted his existence. For all he knows, you"re looking to see where your boyfriend is.
The second look is going to convey the simple message yes, I saw you and I"m curious. To convey this message, the second look needs to offer a bit of character, nothing wild or elaborate. Just a slight smile, perhaps a cheeky look over the shoulder. You are turning only your head toward him, not your whole body.
In a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin examining the role of social cues in human interactions, it was found that a smile made a man 70 percent more likely to approach a woman than eye contact alone.
We hardly ever smile at someone, even someone we want to meet.
People find this hard to believe at first. Because we equate smiling with being nice, and because most of us believe that we"re pretty nice, we believe we smile more than we actually do. The next time you go to the supermarket, count the number of times you catch someone"s eye but don"t smile. Once you become aware of this, you will find that you can catch yourself not smiling at people all day long. As we go through our days, most of us wear what I like to call screensaver face. We present our screensaver face even to people we like.
I realize that you may struggle with shyness, but remember: the smallest changes in our daily rituals can yield huge results.
A woman named Julia, who attended one of my weekend seminars, had always been terrified of holding eye contact for too long. She was extraordinarily worried about giving the wrong impression. She feared that even if she looked in a guy"s direction she would come off as too aggressive.
She didn"t believe that the reason guys weren"t approaching her was that she couldn"t bring herself to make eye contact. She believed there must be a bigger, unfixable reason: men could sense something deeply uns.e.xy about her personality, or she was destined never to be the kind of girl that a guy would pick out of a crowd.
She never met anyone, much less dated. She was so depressed about the state of her love life, she realized she had nothing to lose. She made a resolution to do what she could to be more approachable.
One day she was sitting in the cafe at the gym doing some work on her laptop. She spotted a cute personal trainer who she"d noticed a few times before when she was running on the treadmill. The only attention he"d paid her was holding the door open for her a couple of times. But this day was going to be different. She was going to be Approachable Julia now.
She called over one of the female instructors; she knew that if she could be friendly and have a laugh with her, she would seem easier for anyone to approach. While Julia and the female instructor were chatting, she snuck a look at the guy. He didn"t come over, but she seemed to have caught his attention because he kept looking over while he was ordering some food from the cafe.
The female instructor left, and Julia sat alone at her table pretending to play with her laptop, a girl"s best prop when she needs to look busy. She saw him out the corner of her eye, looked up, made quick eye contact, then lost her nerve. She dropped her gaze, trying her best to appear fascinated by the computer screen.
Come on, she thought, I have to do better than that. Just 1 percent more. She could feel the moment slipping away. This guy had shown signs of interest and here she was, again, wimping out. She could feel him looking over at her.
Screw it! She couldn"t leave that gym and feel like a failure again. Without thinking, she looked up, held her eyes on his. Everything in that moment made her want to break eye contact and look away, but she let herself relax into it. It started to feel okay. Nothing bad was happening here. She felt so pleased with herself that she allowed a cheeky grin to creep onto her face. Julia knew other people would think she was being silly, but it was a big deal for her to hold eye contact for that extra second. She could feel her cheeks flush red from nerves.
But it paid off. He smiled back. They smiled at each other for a few seconds. Then he mouthed the word "Hey."
The trainer picked up his lunch and moved to the table next to her. She pretended to be working on her laptop, when all of a sudden he leaned over and said, "You look creative."
It was a strange line, but what the h.e.l.l! They chatted for about twenty minutes. Near the end of their conversation, Julia felt her shyness creeping back. She closed her laptop, made some excuses, and left before they could exchange details or agree to meet later, but next time she saw him in the gym he made a point of saying, "I haven"t seen you for ages."
Nothing has happened with the trainer-yet-but Julia has begun to practice making eye contact and smiling with guys she sees as she goes about her daily life, and enjoys the fact that for the most part, they"re smiling back. The best part, she told me, is that she now feels such a sense of possibility and hope for the future. If nothing else, the small exchanges make for a much more pleasant day.
One of my main tenets is that if you"re always ready to meet a guy, you never have to get ready. Get in the habit of practicing the look whenever you"re out and about, in a coffee shop, at social gatherings, on the train to work. Eye contact while smiling is your main tool for communicating with people at a distance. It"s the one way you can send someone a signal without having to say a word. And, by the way, most of the time it says more than words can anyway.
This kind of risk-free flirting can, and should be, a blast. There is no possibility of rejection. You can play as much as you want, try as many times as you want, and you risk absolutely nothing. People on the street will never see you again. That guy in the coffee shop will never see you again. This is a skill that you get to master without having to worry about the consequences of failing.
MATT DEMONSTRATES "THE LOOK"
In this clip I show you the look in action by demonstrating with two women live onstage.
Go to www.gettheguybook.com/look Access code: gtgbook Get closer There"s always the chance that the looks you send won"t summon your chosen man to your side. His fear and self-doubt may be still greater than his desire. The solution? Move.
Yes, get closer.
You have made it easier for him to approach you by your eye contact and your smile. Now, make it easier by removing the need for him to have to walk across the room to you. Once you"ve removed the distance it becomes easy for him to casually turn his head in your direction and start a conversation, safe in the knowledge that his humiliation won"t be public if the encounter goes badly.
It"s easy to find reasons to get close to him. If you"re in a bookstore, wander over and browse in the same section. If you"re at a bar and you see him order another drink, take that opportunity to walk over and order another one yourself. If you"re with a group of friends, create the chance for proximity by opening up your group and bringing new people into the conversation, so that you seem sociable and open. Use whatever excuse is handy to get close enough to him so that it will be easy for him to start a conversation.
Beyond the Smile Maybe the party is jammed with people, loud with music and conversation, so getting closer is not an option. Or you"ve come with your sister-in-law who"s just lost her job and the party was meant to cheer her up, so you feel you can"t leave her alone if you spot a guy you"re interested in. Perhaps the guy is over at the far side of the crowded room with six of his friends, one of whom looks like he might be the guy"s boss. So you"ve made a lot of great eye contact over the course of several hours, but for whatever reason neither one of you is making a move. What do you do?
Try waving him over. Not as if you"re hailing a cab, but using a subtle "come here" motion, as if you needed to tell him a secret. You"ve been trading looks all evening, now you"re conveying that it"s okay for him to wade through the crowd to get to you. Again, it"s just a way of making it easy for him.
As often as not, he"ll do the same gesture back to you, suggesting you be the one to come over to him. If he does, this is an opportunity to prove your value; sure, you"re interested, but he"s going to have to make the effort to push his way through the crowd and come to you. Stand your ground, cheekily shake your head, and wave again for him to come over, slightly more emphatically this time. It"s cute, and it does the trick.
On the night I was talking to that friendly bar owner in New York, three women walked in. I made eye contact with one of them, and we must have glanced back and forth for an hour while talking to other people. I did nothing. She did nothing.
Then the dreaded scenario unfolded: her friends made their way to the door. She was leaving! As she began to walk, she looked back at me, raised her eyebrows and gave me a little wave, as if to say, "You blew it, idiot!"
I looked at her and raised my hands as if to say, "Where are you going!" She then walked over and said, "You left it too long and now I have to go!" We ended up talking long enough to exchange details, and met for a date later that week. This is proof positive that it is your gesture that will make all the difference. I didn"t make the first move in this instance, and yet I coach this stuff!
Start talking The final way of giving a guy license to speak is for you to start the conversation. "But won"t making a conversation mean I"m doing all the work?" you may wonder. Well, yes . . . and no. If it"s done the right way, all you are doing is attempting to get the ball rolling, which then gives him the chance to do the work of trying to be worthy of the opportunity you gave him. Just like the Victorian white handkerchief. All of this is a sort of code, but it works just the same. As for feeling as if you are doing all the work, here"s the deal: I promised I would tell you what a guy is thinking. The truth is, he has as many insecurities as you do. By giving you insight into his hesitations, along with some hints for small gestures you can make to help him get over them, you can put yourself in the best possible position. And, knowing that you are taking some control helps you to feel more confident.
Ten-second rule Most women lose amazing guys in the first ten seconds. You wouldn"t believe how many of these guys are so close to starting a conversation, but bail at the last second because they lose their nerve. A friend of mine has this terrific piece of advice: "A woman should never be easy. But, in the first ten seconds of a conversation . . . be easy."
It takes b.a.l.l.s for a guy just to approach a woman, especially in an unfamiliar social setting. The point of this rule is that you can make his approach much easier, thus much more likely. You can be a challenge later on in the conversation, but at the beginning, smile and be as approachable as possible. Give him a break for the first ten seconds of interaction. That"s long enough for you to decide if he"s good enough for you to bother hanging around for another ten.
The Power of the Small Favor One of the easiest ways to draw a guy into conversation is to ask a favor. In fact, it is blindingly efficient. The line "I could really use your help with something . . ." is a magical thing to say to any guy. You might think it"s not terribly clever or sophisticated, but it appeals to the part of his brain that wants to feel like a man. Something miraculous happens when he hears, "I need your help . . ." He immediately puffs out his chest, stands up straight, and thinks, Anything! The man in him is ready; even before he"s heard what the favor is, he wants to do it. I said this earlier, but it bears repeating: every man wants to be around women who make him feel more like a man, and in the moment you ask us for help, you are appealing to the essential male need to be needed.
If you"ve ever seen an adult say to some young boys, "I need a big strong man to do this," you"ve seen how every boy has his hand up to volunteer; every boy wants to be strong in that moment. Men never really outgrow that childish desire to show off their strength. But here"s the cool thing: asking for a favor has the same effect on a guy no matter how big or small it is. It can be something ridiculously simple, and he"ll still get all those feelings of manliness.
For example, if you say, "I could really use your help with something: Can you hold my jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends?" No guy is ever going to refuse this. (If he ever does, run!) Once you"ve given the drinks to your friends, turn back to him, take your jacket back, and say, "Thanks so much. How"s your night going?"
In this moment it doesn"t even feel like you"ve started a conversation. It"s absurdly simple, but it gives the guy the excuse he"s been dying for; he can now take the lead and continue the conversation with you if he is interested. If he"s not, he"ll say, "You"re welcome," and carry on with his night. Either way, you lose nothing. You haven"t put yourself on the line because asking for a small favor is so innocuous.
Why does this work? In addition to creating a situation that instantly taps into his need to feel like a man, you"re asking him specifically. By saying, "I could really use your help," you"re personalizing your request, which makes him enjoy doing the favor because he feels selected in some way. He doesn"t feel as if just anyone could have done it. You could have easily asked the man or woman standing on either side of him, and trust me, he notices the choice you made.
Benjamin Franklin once famously stated, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged." This so-called Franklin Effect, put to the test in a recent study published in the journal Human Relations, flies in the face of what we think we know about the psychology of favors.
It"s logical to a.s.sume that if someone else carries out a favor for us we feel grat.i.tude toward them and like them better. If someone bakes you a cake, you feel more positive feelings about him or her. But the findings of the study showed that the opposite was true. When people carry out favors for us, it actually makes them like us more. In other words, the person doing us a favor feels more positive toward us because, in letting them go out of their way for our benefit, we"ve given them the opportunity to feel better about themselves.
The Franklin Effect works as long as the favor you ask isn"t too big or demanding, and you display genuine appreciation. People enjoy the validation they receive from being able to please someone else. When this effect occurs between men and women, the result is intensified, because in asking him to help you, you"ve helped to make him feel like more of a man.
The Secret Ingredient to a Memorable Conversation When you enter a conversation with a guy you like, there"s one key ingredient that a.s.sures you"ll avoid sounding as if you"re interviewing him for a job, questioning him for a police report, or pa.s.sing the time until the party"s over and you can go home.
Enter s.e.xual tension.
From the very first words you utter, an air of s.e.xual tension tells a guy you"re different. Creating s.e.xual tension doesn"t mean you have to act s.e.xual. At bottom, it means we are throwing in a challenge, we are adding an element of flirtation to the conversation.
Kill the small talk, say the unexpected Once we"ve decided that we might be attracted to someone, slowly but surely we begin acting in ways that makes us less desirable. It"s maddening!
We try harder to impress them, or lavish too much attention on them, or agree with everything they say. We start overa.n.a.lyzing everything we do and lose that naturalness and sense of fun that draw people to us. Everyone seems to do this, men and women alike. With our friends we are spontaneous, relaxed, funny; we are able to make people laugh and we comfortably hold court. Then we meet someone we like and suddenly, we are boring.
Gone is our spontaneity, our willingness to tussle over opinions, our ability to tell stories in an uninhibited way that genuinely entertains. We enter the social doldrums, where we"re agreeable and serious instead of playful, and engage in the dull heavy lifting of Finding Things We Have in Common.
The irony is that as we"ve seen, it doesn"t really matter where you start a conversation. And yet, we cling to small talk because we"re still somehow under the impression that this is what two people getting to know one another in a proper fashion do.
But small talk is deadly. The chemistry set in motion when you were across the room from each other exchanging looks is snuffed out in a minute with small talk. Now that you"re standing shoulder to shoulder at your cousin"s barbecue, if you resort to trading resume-type questions, it all but guarantees all your efforts will have been in vain.
You know the questions I mean: "So, where do you work?"
"Great, what do you do there?"
"Wow, sounds good. So where did you study?"
"Cool. What did you major in?"
The one way to guarantee that a conversation is cliched, dull, and uninspiring is to ask questions like these.
This isn"t because the people we meet are uninteresting; it"s because we permit our conversations to be uninteresting. An hour trading dull, run-of-the-mill questions creates no sparks because neither party has a chance to show any personality.
Give him a test Suppose you are standing in line at a coffee shop. You can turn to the guy behind you, and say, "Listen, I really need your help . . ." Then, after a dramatic pause, say, "I"m completely torn. I can"t decide which m.u.f.fin to get."
Your tone is mock serious. You"re acting as if it"s a serious choice by having a pretend worried look on your face, but in a way that makes it obvious that you"re being playful.
The fact you"ve taken him by surprise will help guarantee that he"ll play along. Let"s suppose he suggests you try a blueberry m.u.f.fin. You now have a golden opportunity to create s.e.xual tension. If you like blueberry m.u.f.fins, say, "Hmm, you have good taste. Okay, you pa.s.sed."
"You"ve pa.s.sed the test" is a genius line for flirting. It makes a guy feel as if he got something right. Even though logically he knows that the test is completely silly, emotionally his brain doesn"t register that aspect. All he hears is that you are someone he has to impress, even though you communicated it through a trivial choice like whether he picked the right m.u.f.fin.
What if he suggests a flavor you don"t like? Suppose he suggests a lemon m.u.f.fin and you can"t stand them? You can still turn the moment into a flirtatious one. You can say, "Hmm . . . lemon?" then pause for a split second and say with mock despair, "Ahh, this would never work between us."
Let"s examine this line more closely, because it"s so powerful that we can easily miss why it works so beautifully. As soon as a man hears the line "This would never work between us," he immediately thinks, Yes, it would, and I"ll prove it to you! Even though he knows you"re only joking, once again his emotions prevent him from registering the fact. All he did was suggest a type of m.u.f.fin, but he still feels like he wants to fight to impress you since he made the wrong choice. He feels like he has to get back into your good book, even though he hasn"t really done anything wrong and besides, he doesn"t even know you.
What has happened is that you have created a false debt. He"s chosen wrong, and he wants another chance to choose right, even when he hasn"t really done anything wrong. The reason this works so well is because guys like feeling as if they have to work just a little bit to get back into your good graces.
Say anything Starting a conversation about a m.u.f.fin might sound silly, but that"s often the nature of flirting. Too many of us think that flirting is about being smooth and sophisticated, gazing at our newfound crush over the rim of our martini gla.s.s, when real flirting is about being spontaneous and letting go of self-consciousness.
Most of us miss out in life because we take ourselves too seriously. Flirtatious energy is youthful energy, expressed through the tiniest gestures. Stick your tongue out when you tease him, playfully bat his chest when he makes a joke. Show you possess the confidence to be spontaneous.
A conversation that crackles with possibility flows between the ridiculous and the sublime. Think about a conversation with your best friend. One minute you"ll be making jokes about each other and telling funny stories, and the next you"ll be having a serious conversation about your plans for your future and your pa.s.sions. This is how all conversations should be: they should ebb and flow between teasing, connection, stories, jokes, and yes, even occasionally the dreaded resume facts like where you come from and what you do for a living. However, those dull facts should only be used as conversational hooks to move between subject and topics.
It is important to understand that the way we approach our interactions says as much about who we are as what we say does. Establish a sense of playfulness and spontaneity, skip the small talk to the extent that you can, flirt and inject s.e.xual tension into the conversation by testing him or creating a false debt. This will make for a much more successful initial conversation, and you will have more fun as well-even if he turns out to be a dud. Entertaining yourself is half the game.
Being a Leader in Your Love Life You might be thinking that this all seems too one-sided, that this is a far cry from simply dropping your handkerchief in front of a gallant hero to signal it"s time for him to do the rest.
I will say that once you incorporate some of these rituals into your day-to-day life, it won"t seem like work at all. I was at a bar with my brother not long ago, and the woman standing next to me, upon receiving her gla.s.s, turned to the guy on the other side of her and said, "We"re out celebrating Friday night. Cheers!" Then she clinked gla.s.ses with him. The guy was drinking some sort of fruity-looking c.o.c.ktail, and she laughed and said, "Wow, I like a guy who"s confident enough to order a girly drink." This exchange took less than a minute, and I could tell this young woman behaves like this wherever she goes. And she probably meets a lot of guys.
If you want to be the leader of your love life-and you do, because the alternative to sit and wait, and you"ve already decided against that-you must be proactive.
The Principle of Reciprocity Being proactive doesn"t mean you have to keep putting yourself out there without receiving anything in return. Rather, it"s about being the one who gives to others first, then expects results.
If you compliment a guy, ask him a favor, or playfully test him and he doesn"t respond, you"ve got your answer to the level of his interest. If you"re back in the coffee shop and you ask the guy behind you what kind of m.u.f.fin you should choose and he rudely responds, "I don"t know. You"re the one who has to eat it," you"re obviously not going to continue the conversation. You"ve taken a moment-and it does take but a moment-to try to engage him to see if he has any interest in engaging. If he doesn"t, you"ve invested very little of yourself, and you got to practice for the next guy.
7.
From Great Conversation to First Date You"ve met a terrific guy. You"ve traded smiles and maybe after an awkward start you"re having a lively conversation in which there"s some s.e.xual tension. You"re sharing jokes and anecdotes, and you"ve found some common ground in a place you both like to visit in Spain. He"s nice enough, but you"re not quite sure there"s enough there to warrant seeing him again. How do you find out what he"s really like? And if you do decide you like him enough to spend more time with him, how do you get him to ask to see you again? How do you move from a great chat to a date?
The Key Is Connection s.e.xual tension will make him desire you physically, but connection is what makes him feel emotionally drawn to you. Many women can create s.e.xual tension, but it"s connection that makes someone truly unique. And connection starts with having better conversations. We"ve already learned how to at least start a conversation-and the rule there is that it doesn"t matter so much what the opening to the conversation is, as long as it gets things going. Now we have to go a level deeper.
Being a great conversationalist is about two things: creating intrigue and interest, and creating emotional connection. It"s not about being about to hold forth on important topics of the day, or being able to regale someone with anecdotes of all the celebrities you"ve met, or even being a mistress of repartee.
Many people, men and women both, err in conversation by focusing solely on themselves, rather than how they"re making the other person feel. They think if they have a high-status job they"ll be absolutely fascinating, and so they reel off a list of their achievements, or brag about their travels or adventures; and all the while the other person is bored to tears because she"s being lectured to and has no involvement in the conversation. You know the type. The ones who never ask one question about you or your interests. You can"t even call this a conversation, it"s a monologue.
So how do you make the most out of a connection and actually get to know someone?
Seek values, not facts What we really want to know about someone in our first conversations is what kind of person he or she is. You want to know if he shares your values, whether he"s ambitious, kind, intellectual, and curious. You aren"t going to find out these things by knowing that he works in investment banking, lives downtown, and likes to go to the movies.
Suppose you"re stuck on talking about work and he says, "I hate my job, it"s really boring." A good conversationalist has developed the ability to move the topic into more intriguing territory. He hates his job? You can then ask, "If every career in the world paid the same money, what would you be doing? Or, "If money wasn"t an issue, what would you be doing tomorrow?" Or, "Would you rather earn a hundred thousand dollars a year doing a job you hate, or forty thousand a year doing a job you love?"
Now you"re inviting him to discuss his pa.s.sions and what he finds meaningful in life. You"ve transformed his negative remark about hating his job into a chance for him to open up about the things he really cares about. Now you"re going to find out what he really values most. Then you can just follow up with a why question; now you"re in a position to find out a lot about him pretty quickly.
If he chooses the $100K job, ask him why. It might be because he values security and likes to play it safe. It might be because he is adventurous and would love to have the money to travel. Or it might be just because he likes to live a luxury lifestyle. None of these are bad reasons, they just express different values. That"s why it"s crucial that you follow up with the obvious question: "Why that choice?" If he goes for the money, what would he spend it on? If he goes for the $40K dream job, what is that job? And what"s so special about it that he wouldn"t care about having as much money? So no matter what he answers, you are going to get a very clear glimpse of what he strives for in life.
Moving the conversation from the logical to the emotional creates connection. Logical questions are simply placeholders in an interaction. Emotion-based questions reveal a guy"s true values.