Happiness and Marriage.
by Elizabeth (Jones) Towne.
"The inner side of every cloud Is bright and shining; I therefore turn my clouds about, And always wear them inside out-- To show the lining."
--_James Whitcomb Riley_.
"And I will show that there is no imperfection in the present, and can be none in the future, And I will show that whatever happens to anybody it may be turned to beautiful results."
--_Walt Whitman_.
1904
CHAPTER I.
TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.
"Some dear relatives of mine proposed Ada as my future bride. I like Ada and I gladly accepted the offer, and I mean to wed her about the middle of this year. Is this a working of the Law of Attraction? I want to make our married life happy and peaceful. I long for a wedded life of pure blessedness and love and joy without even a pinhead of bitterness ever finding lodgment in our household. How can I attain this state of peace?
This is what I now do: I enter into the Silence daily at a particular hour and enjoy the mental picture of how I desire to be when married. Am I right? Please tell me how to make my ideal real." Tudor, Island of Ceylon.
The above letter comes from a member of the Success Circle who is a highly cultured and interesting looking native East Indian. We have a full length photo of him in native costume.
He asks if "this is the working of the Law of Attraction." Certainly it is. Just as the sun acts through a sheet of gla.s.s so the Law of Attraction acts through the conventionalities of a race. Whatever comes together is drawn together by the Law. Whatever is held together is held by that same Law of Attraction.
This is just as true in unhappy marriages as in happy ones. If two people are distinctly enough individualized; that is, if they understand and command themselves sufficiently; their attraction and marriage will bring to them only pleasure. If they are not distinctly enough individualized there will be a monkey-and-parrot experience whilst they are working out the wisdom _for which they were attracted_.
When soda and sour milk are drawn together there is a great stew and fizz, but the end thereof is sweetness and usefulness. So with two adverse and uncontrolled natures; but out of the stew comes added wisdom, self-command and rounded character for each.
When each has finished the work of helping the other to develop they will either find themselves _really_ in love with each other, or they will fall apart. _Some stronger attraction will separate them at the right time_--perhaps through divorce, perhaps through death.
_All_ our goings and comings are due to the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction giveth, and it taketh away. _Blessed_ is the Law. _Let_ it work. And forget not that _all_ things are due to its working.
This does not mean that the Law has no way of working _except_ through the conventionalities of a people. Many times the attraction is to break away from the conventional. _The stronger attraction always wins_-- whatever is, is _best_ for _that time and place_.
"Tudor" says he "enters into the silence daily at a particular hour and enjoys the mental picture of how he desires to be when married."
His success all depends upon the _equity_ in that picture; upon its truth to the law of being.
An impractical idealist lives in the silence with beautiful pictures of "how he desires to be when married." When he gets married there isn"t a single detail of his daily experience which is like his mental picture.
He is sadly disappointed and perhaps embittered or discouraged.
It all depends upon the picture. If Tudor"s picture contains a benignant lord and master and a sweet little Alice Ben Bolt sort of wife who shall laugh with delight when he gives her a smile and wouldn"t hurt his feelings for a farm; who does his bidding before he bids and is always content with what he is pleased, or able, to do for her; if this is the style of Tudor"s mental picture he is certainly doomed to disappointment.
I have a suspicion that Tudor is a natural born teacher. His mental pictures may represent himself as a dispenser of moral and mental blessings. He may see Ada sitting adoringly at his feet, ever eager to learn. If so there will certainly be disappointment. East Indian girls may be more docile than American girls; East Indian men may be better and wiser lords and masters; but "Ada" is a Human Being before she is an East Indian; and a Human Being instinctively revolts from a life pa.s.sed in leading strings. If Tudor continues to remind her that he is her schoolmaster she will certainly revolt; inwardly if not outwardly.
Whether the revolt comes inwardly or outwardly harmony is doomed.
The first principle of happy marriage is _equality_. The second principle is _mutual confidence_, which can NEVER exist without the first.
I do not mean by "equality" what is usually meant. One member of the married twain may be rich, the other poor in worldly goods; one an aristocrat, the other plebeian; one educated, the other unschooled; and yet they may be to each other what they are in _truth_, equals.
Equality is a _mental state_, not a matter of birth or breeding, wisdom or ignorance. The TRUTH is that _all_ men and women are equal; all are sparks of the One Life; all children of the one highly aristocratic "Father"; all heirs to the wisdom and wealth of the ages which go to make up eternity.
But all men and women are more or less unconscious, in spots at least, of this truth. They spend their lives "looking down" upon each other.
Men "look down" upon their wives as "weak" or "inferior," and women look down upon their husbands as "animals" or "great brutes." Men are contemptuous of their wives visionariness, and women despise their husbands for "cold and calculating" tendencies.
Every man and woman values certain qualities highly, and in proportion as another fails to manifest these particular qualities he is cla.s.sed as "low," and his society is not valued.
This is the great source of trouble between husbands and wives. Each values his or her own qualities and despises the other"s. So _in their own minds_ they are not equal, and the first principle of harmony is missing.
The real truth is that in marriage a man is schoolmaster to his wife _and she is equally schoolmistress to him._ This is true in a less degree, of _all_ the relationships of life.
The Law of Attraction draws people together _that they may learn_.
There is but one Life, which is growth in wisdom and knowledge.
There is but one Death, _which is refusal to learn_.
If husbands and wives were equals _in their own minds_ they would not despise each other and _refuse to learn_ of each other.
The Law of Attraction, or Love, almost invariably attracts opposites, and for their own good. A visionary, idealistic woman is drawn to a practical man, where, kick and fuss and despise each other as they will, she is bound to become more practical and he more idealistic. They exchange qualities in spite of themselves; each is an unconscious agent in rounding out the character and making more abundant the life of the other.
Much of this blending of natures is accomplished through pa.s.sion, the least understood of forces. And the children of a union of opposites, even where there is _great_ contempt and unhappiness between the parents, are almost invariably _better balanced_ than _either_ of the parents.
I cannot believe that unhappy marriages are "mistakes" or that they serve no good purpose. The Law of Attraction draws together those who need each other at that particular stage of their growth. The unhappiness is due to their own foolish _refusal_ to learn; and this refusal is due to their contempt for each other. They are like naughty children at school, who cry or sulk and refuse to work out their problems. Like those same naughty children they _make themselves_ unhappy, and fail to "pa.s.s" as soon as they might.
Remember, that contempt for each other is at the very bottom of all marital unhappiness. The practical man despises his wife"s impulsive idealism and tries to make her over. The wife despises his "cold and calculating" tendencies and tries to make him over. That means war, for it is impossible to make over _anybody but yourself_.
_Because_ the man despises his wife"s tendencies and she despises his, it never occurs to either to try making over _themselves_, thus helping along the very thing they were drawn together for.
If Tudor"s picture holds two people who are _always_ equal though utterly different; whose future actions are an unknown quant.i.ty to be taken as they come and each action to be met in a spirit of _respect_ and inquiry, with a view to understanding and learning from it; if over and through all his picture Tudor spreads a glow of _purpose_ to preserve _his own_ respect and love _for her_, at all costs;--if this is the sort of picture Tudor makes in the silence he will surely realize it later.
It requires but one to strike the keynote of respect and personal freedom in marriage; the other will soon come into harmony.
You can readily see that all marital jars come from this lack of equality in the individual mind. If a man thinks he is perfectly able to take care of and to judge for himself he resents interference from another. On the other hand if he believes his wife is equally able to judge for _herself_, he _never_ thinks of interfering with her actions.
Of course the same is true of the wife. It is lack of respect and confidence which begets the making-over spirit in a family, and from this one cause arises all in harmony.
Individual freedom is the _only_ basis for harmonious action; not only in marriage but in all other relationships of life.
And individual freedom _cannot_ be granted by the man or woman who considers his or her judgments superior to the judgments of another. A man _must_ accord his wife _equal_ wisdom and power with himself, else he _cannot_ free her to act for herself. A woman must accord her husband that same equality, or she _cannot_ leave him free.
It is human (and divine) nature to correct what we believe to be wrong.
Only in believing that the other "king (or queen) can do no wrong," lies the possibility of individual freedom, in marriage or out.