Hegel's Confession

When the elevator lights showed we were on the 8th floor, the doors didn’t open. I pounded the doors anxiously, trying to escape. Haoran pulled me closer to him, his eyes were filled with worry, “are you alright?”

I didn’t care about losing control or being embarra.s.sed anymore, I hit Haoran with my fists. “It’s your fault I’m in here, it’s your fault! Let me out!” I cried and yelled. Feeling weak, I fell to the floor, pulling on the hem of his clothes. Hugging my knees with my arms, I cried with my head in my lap. I don’t remember how long it has been since I’ve been in a similar situation, but I’ve not cried like this for a long time.　　

Haoran came to after the initial shock. Bewildered, he still tried to comfort me. “It’s okay, I’ll get someone to help us.”

I didn’t hear him very well, I just felt my breathing speeding up, as if there was no oxygen around me. Then, it suddenly felt warmer around me, and a familiar smell made me calmer. Haoran’s raspy voice came, “I’m here, don’t be afraid.”

I tried not to cry, and slowed my breathing as I willed back my tears.

 “Are you hot? Why are you sweating?” Haoran’s eyes were anxious as he hugged and held me on the floor.

I shook my head rigorously, and felt as if I couldn’t express my thoughts anymore. The extreme tension and fear has taken over my mind, I felt as if I would die if I didn’t get out of here.

The feeling made me break down, and my only response was to grip Haoran’s hand tightly, and shake slightly as I buried my head in his chest.

Haoran still seemed tense, he kept telling me to not be afraid, that we’d be out of here soon. His big hand patted my back gently, but my fear remained.

Time pa.s.sed so slowly it felt like forever. After a certain time, I asked, “Chu Haoran, am I dying? I can’t breathe, there’s no oxygen in here.” I kept crying, as if tears could make me better.

Haoran shook his head rapidly as his arms held me tighter. “Nonsense. There’s footsteps outside. We’ll be out of here soon. It’s my fault. I should have taken the stairs with you, and this wouldn’t have happened.”

Maybe talking did make me feel better. I did seem to hear footsteps coming closer and closer, and then there was a shout, to which Haoran answered. After a few minutes, there were some questions and apologies. I could feel my body being lifted into the air, but I had no strength to look up.

Haoran had carried me out of the elevator. After a moment, he put me gently on the floor as he looked for his keys. When I finally regained my composure, I was sitting on his sofa.

When my breathing had slowed down, Haoran came out of the kitchen with a cup of water. “Here, drink some water, you’ll feel better.”

Neither of us talked. I tried to tame my nerves and tension as my hands gripped the cup. Maybe because I haven’t had this happen for a while, but this breakdown felt more serious than ever. I felt helpless, I didn’t want to be like this but I couldn’t control myself.

 “I’ll draw you a bath so you can relax a little.” Haoran got up to walk toward the bathroom, after he saw my improved state.

I felt grateful now that my breakdown is over. I don’t know what would have happened if he wasn’t here tonight. He didn’t know the elevator was my Waterloo, nor that there would be an outage. And he took me to his home, a place with lights.

I could feel a warmth in my heart, a feeling I haven’t had for a while. He was different from how he seemed, he wasn’t as cold. Maybe I should treat him better in the future...

Soaking in warm water did make me relaxed. I let myself go and my mind became blank, enjoying the peace after the tension.

When the water got colder, Haoran’s voice came. “C’mon out when you’re ready. I made noodles.”

I felt weird dressed in Haoran’s shirt. Since I sweat so much earlier I couldn’t wear my old clothes. Inspite of the awkwardness I pulled the shirt down to my knees.

I could smell something delicious as I walked out of the restroom. I followed the scent to the dining room, where Haoran was about to start eating.

When he heard me, he turned away, and I could see a subtle emotion before he hid it. I was a little mortified, “what’s there to see? You told me to wear the shirt.”

Haoran’s mouth turned up as he gave me a sunny smile. I used to think his face would look weird with a smile, since he was always so serious, but I just changed my mind. His face was so mesmerizing with a smile, showing a warmth.

The noodles he made seem easy, just a tomato and egg noodle soup. I didn’t want to stare at him anymore, so I looked down and focused on eating.

Maybe it was because I wasn’t focused, I didn’t realize the noodles were hot until it was too late. “Argh, so hot!”

 “Are you a pig? Of course noodles out of the pot are hot.” Haoran lectured me and got up quickly.

I looked at him, feeling conflicted. I was the one who got burned and he still talked down to me? He had walked back with a cup of water. I quirked my eyebrows, how does drinking water help with burns?
 

Haoran gave me the water, saying softly, “hold it in your mouth and spit it out later.”

I didn’t understand his meaning until I drank it, it was ice water. When I spit out the ice water a few seconds later, my mouth did hurt less. The burn was probably not serious, since I didn’t swallow the hot soup anyway. I had a new impression of Haoran now. How could he not have a girlfriend being this attentive?

When I came back to the dining room, Haoran was stirring my noodles to cool it, making me stop the teasing comment I was about to say. I stood by the door, watching his focused face. He looked more handsome than ever...

 “Eat slowly now, n.o.body is fighting you for it.” Haoran stopped stirring after he saw me arrive, and proceeded to eat his own noodles.

I don’t know if he didn’t obsess about it, or if he felt awkward after I noticed his action, but we both ate quietly in the moments that followed. I had to admit, his cooking was not bad; he made even a basic dish flavorful.