I waited for something. I grew afraid because I didn"t know what was going on out there. What was he saying to her that I couldn"t hear? I suddenly wanted to go home. I wanted to get away from the hospital. I couldn"t spend another day in this place. I knew that if Dr. Cuvo was explaining things to my mom about what I"d done the other day when we had first met, she would get angrier and more stressed out because of me. She had already seen what I had done, or what I had tried to do, at home.
I had always been a problem for Mom. I didn"t do these things on purpose. I didn"t want to be labeled as her "troubled child," because I knew that she had a lot on her plate.
I hadn"t made things any better for her when her life had taken a wide turn. Jack had seemed to change overnight after the twins had been born, and that"s when things had gotten worse for her. She"d suffered from postpartum depression.
We"d been a happy family for a little while after the twins had grown older. Mom had started taking anti-depressant medication. She"d asked me to help her out with Nick and Alison. I"d had no problem helping with the twins. I"d adored being their big sister.
That was how I"d fallen in love with Nicholas. I"d reached for Nick first when I"d first seen the pair. He was my favorite. Nick and I were always doing things together. Mom and Alison spent most of their time together, playing in the garden or doing girly things in the kitchen. Nick and I were more adventurous. We played sports and hunted for treasure in our backyard.
Dad still played the role of Knight in Shining Armor. He provided for us financially and he kept Mom happy. He did work a lot. Mom always needed someone to lean on. Dad was her strong arm because he was always there when she needed him.
We were happy those first few years of our lives together as a family. It didn"t last very long. It was around the fifth year that life began to change dramatically. Things started going on behind closed doors. There were many arguments between Mom and Dad. This change in our family started slowly around the time the twins were first born and when Mom was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Then the dramatic change crept up into one big mess all at one time.
The big moment was when Dad lost his job at Ford. Money problems began to arise, and Mom had to get a job. I was home with the twins after we got out of school. I had to help in a bigger way, and I did not like that very much. I gave Mom a hard time whenever she asked me to do things like make dinner for the kids and clean up behind them. It seemed like I was being asked to be their mother since she had to work. Mom resented me for my behavior, and she made it known to me by telling me how selfish I was.
Dad worked odd jobs. He had quit the stable jobs he managed to land. He compared those jobs to Ford, saying that the new jobs weren"t paying as much as he would have been making if he had still been at Ford. Often times, he and Mom didn"t sleep in the same bed because of how angry they would get at each other. Dad didn"t seem to care. His head was somewhere else. It bothered me. Dad and I always talked. If I had something on my mind, I went to him and we discussed it. He didn"t hold back from me, and I loved him for that.
I remembered the last time it was like that for him and me. It was the last time I remember him being my dad, and our Knight in Shining Armor. I went to him while he was lying on the sofa. Mom had already gone to bed. The twins were asleep.
"Dad?" I called out to him.
He looked up at me. He looked as if he did not know who I was. There was no smile, no expression, on his face. I stood, frozen. I did not recognize him.
"Daddy, are you okay?" I asked him, still standing there.
He stood up, looking larger than ever.
"What do you want, Kristen?" he asked.
He walked towards the kitchen, and I followed behind.
"Daddy? You and Mom aren"t sleeping in the same room anymore. Are you mad at each other?"
"No," Dad said with a warm smile. "Mommy and I just have to take a time out for a little bit. It will be okay."
"I"m scared."
We stood in the kitchen. He had started pouring a gla.s.s of Jim Beam for himself. He took a sip, stared down at me and said, "There"s no need to be scared."
His eyes were gla.s.sy. They looked sad.
He sat the empty gla.s.s down on the kitchen counter and bent down to my level. He put his arms around me and hugged me gently. Even though he stank of alcohol, I still wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes and letting myself take in his comfort.
"It will be all right, Kristen...It will be all right..."
What was this pressure? I started to feel his grip on me tighten. He was squeezing me. It started to hurt.
"It will be all right... all right..."
"No, Dad, that hurts. Please, Dad, stop." I started to cry.
He was hurting me. I had no idea what he was doing. It hurt too much. It was too hard to make a sound, because I could barely breathe. He lifted me up off the floor in his tight grip, and he stared into my eyes. My eyes were wide open as I tried to gasp for air. It felt like he was going to crush me. I cried, afraid.
"It"s going to be all right...all right..." He kept repeating this over and over.
Tears fell from my eyes. Dad leaned in and pressed his lips against my open mouth. He was breathing heavily. He kept kissing me, but his kisses were different. It wasn"t like the time he"d kissed me at his and Mom"s wedding. This was like a monster trying to devour a child whose closet it had been hiding in. The monster came out. Before I realized what he was trying to do, I heard Mom"s frantic voice.
"Kristen!" she shouted at me.
The monster dropped me to the floor. It felt like a long way down. My hip landed on the hard wood.
"What is going on here?" Mom had a look on her face that scared me.
"Kristen! Now, I told you to have this kitchen cleaned up!" the monster shouted.
Mom looked at him. Then she looked down at me. The monster walked over to my mother and put a hand on her shoulder. She stiffened at his touch.
"What the h.e.l.l were you doing to my daughter?" she asked him.
The monster leaned into her and began talking to her. He was talking so low that I couldn"t hear anything he was saying. It must have been convincing enough for her because, by the time he was finished, she was already like putty in his hands. She wrapped her arms around him and they hugged.
"I"ll be to bed in just a minute. Let me finish up here with her," the monster told Mom.
Mom looked back at me and hesitated turning away. The monster kissed her cheek and a.s.sured her that everything was fine. He shooed her away gently and watched her disappear down the hall.
When I heard their bedroom door shut, I didn"t know what to think. I didn"t know what was coming next from this monster whom I had never seen before.
He approached me and said, "Kristen, I have to do this."
"Do what, Dad? What are you talking about?"
"I told your mother that you hadn"t done your ch.o.r.es like you were supposed to. Look at this mess." He pointed to the cup that he had just drunk from. "I told you, you have to have this kitchen cleaned by the time your mother and I get home from work."
"Dad, I " Chunks were rising in my throat. I grew afraid of the monster as he slowly started to come closer towards me.
He wasn"t my dad. Who was he?
Jack s.n.a.t.c.hed my arm and twisted me around. He raised his large hand at me. I watched as his hand came down and struck my rear end as if it were a piece of dough. He went slowly at first. Then there was a look in his eye. His face changed. The monster had taken over him.
He began hitting me harder and faster. I screamed aloud. He took the other hand and covered my mouth. I couldn"t move. The monster was too strong. He somehow held me as still as he could, with that one hand on my mouth, and he kept hitting me with the other. He was sweating, and his breathing was outrageous. His eyes were wide as the sweat dripped into them.
The pain became almost unbearable. I felt like I was going to pa.s.s out. Before I could completely black out, he stopped. He fell backward and hit the wall behind him. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. I crawled along the floor to the table to get as far away from him as I possibly could. I tried to sit down, but I was hurting too much. I covered my mouth as loud cries, which I seemed to have no control over, came out of me.
"Kristen, I didn"t do this to hurt you," he lied. "I did this to prepare you for what you have to live with. You have responsibilities that you have to uphold. Life is not a handout. You are not always going to get everything you want."
I cried harder, confused.
"Shut up!" he yelled at me. "You don"t have anything to cry about. When I was a child, we got it a lot worse than that little spanking you just had. If I even once cried the way you are doing right now, I"d get more!"
He balled his fists up and strained his face to show how intense his punishments must have been.
"You have it way too easy. The way your mom used to let you get away with everything! If I didn"t do my ch.o.r.es, do you know what they would do to us? I was woken up from my sleep and I was beaten! Beaten! It was not a spanking, because there is a big difference. Then I would have to stay up and clean until it was spotless. And I still had to get up and go to school in the morning. So, you had better fix your face right now. Fix it!" His voice echoed off the kitchen walls.
I wiped my eyes as fast as I could and sucked in my cries.
Jack, the monster, continued, "I didn"t even have my own room. Did you know that? I had to share with Jonathan. I had to share everything with my brother. You should be thankful and stop being selfish. Help your mother out more around here."
His words cut me deep inside. I didn"t mean to be selfish. I didn"t want to be selfish. Maybe I did deserve it.
"I"m sorry," I said to him.
"Now, go to bed." He pointed towards the hallway that led to my bedroom.
I started walking towards my room. When I got there, I let myself fall onto my bed. I lay there for a while, crouched up. I was useless. I hoped that I wouldn"t make him angry like that anymore.
From then on, I stayed on top of my ch.o.r.es and tried my best to stay out of Jack"s way when he was in monster mode.
As I tried to stay out of his way, I noticed that Nicholas was getting more in his way. Nick and I were always able to talk to each other, and I told Nick to stay out of Jack"s way as much as possible. Nick told me that he would, because it scared him when I told him about the spanking. Truthfully, I wanted to scare Nicholas. It was better I scare him than Jack. This was my way of protecting him. Alison didn"t seem to need protection. She was with Mom when Mom wasn"t at work, and Jack didn"t seem too interested in her, anyway. It was always Nick and I who were being yelled at.
Nonetheless, I wanted to protect both of them as much as I could. I would always hate myself for the day that I decided to hang out with my best friend Lexus and her parents one weekend. When I came home from Lexus"s house, I realized I had arrived in the middle of a nightmare. When I entered my house, Alison ran to me with tears in her eyes. She was so afraid that she couldn"t even speak clearly. Mom was on the couch, reading a magazine, when a loud scream came from the hallway that led to our bedrooms.
Mom stood up suddenly. "What was that?" she asked Alison. "Where"s Nicholas?"
"Daddy..." Alison managed to get out from between her quivering lips. "Daddy, he " She started stuttering.
I hugged her as Mom walked up beside us.
"Alison, where"s Nicholas?" I asked her.
"Daddy ripped the cord out of the TV." She couldn"t say any more. She fell into Mom"s arms and cried harder.
I stormed toward Nicholas" bedroom. I heard the loud and torturing whacks of the cord going against his flesh. His screams sounded morbid. I grew afraid. I put my hands on the k.n.o.b to open the door, but it was jammed. I couldn"t get in.
Nick screamed in what sounded like agony, "Daddy, no! Please, Daddy, no!"
I started crying with him and Alison. Mom held on to Alison tightly. I ran for the telephone and started to dial 911. Mom rushed over, s.n.a.t.c.hed the phone out of my hand, and hung up the receiver. I looked at her, shocked.
"What are you doing, Mom? He"s killing Nicholas! He"s killing him!" I could hardly breathe. I was crying so hard.
"No, he"s not trying to kill him. He doesn"t mean it. You don"t know what he has been through. I can handle this."
"No! I"m calling the police this time!" I shouted.
That"s when I felt her hand go across my face. She slapped me hard enough for me to see stars.
"I"m the adult here. You listen to me. You better not pick up the phone," she threatened. She turned to Alison and said, "Baby. It"s going to be okay. Nick is okay." Her voice softened as she leaned down to her youngest daughter.
Alison stood with her hands covering her ears. Tears rolled down her face. I watched Mom storm away towards Nicholas" room. I leaned down and grabbed Alison in my arms. I held her to comfort her, but her cries wouldn"t stop.
I heard Mom burst through Nicholas" bedroom door.
"That"s enough, Jack! That"s enough! You are hurting him too much!"
I heard Jack say, "What do you think I am doing?"
"I don"t know, Jack. I don"t even think you know what you are doing! Look at yourself! You are hitting him with a television cord!" Then her tone grew gentle. "Honey, you can"t do that."
"You think I"m abusing him? I would never abuse my own child! What do you think I am?"
"I know, Jack. I know," she calmly said to him. "But I think he"s got the point, now."
I let Alison go, and made her sit down. I walked towards Nicholas" bedroom. When I got there, I saw Mom hugging Jack. The television cord was lying on the floor next to Nicholas, who was also on the floor.
What is going on? I thought.
I looked down at Nicholas, all alone and in pain. I wanted to go to him and hold him in my arms to stop his crying. Jack stared me down when I came to the door. His eyes held so much anger. It was as if he was daring me to go to Nicholas. I was afraid he was going to hurt me if I moved any closer.
Nicholas was crouched up with his knees pressed close to his chest. He was shivering. Mucus and tears drenched his face. He was bruised all over his back and his legs. I could see the whip marks, red and deep, on his skin. Some of his wounds were bleeding.
I couldn"t stand still. I walked over to Nicholas and pulled him into my arms. I looked up at Mom as she held onto Jack and comforted him. Anger welled up inside of me. I felt my nostrils flare at her the way they did when I was very angry.
I helped Nicholas up and put a robe over him. Alison hadn"t listened to me when I"d told her to stay put on the couch in the living room. She stood in the doorway, crying. Jack went over to her and hugged her.
"Why are you crying?" he had the nerve to ask her.
"Because Nick is hurting," she cried.
"Nick only got a spanking," Mom covered up. "He"s all right."
I glared at Mom. Mom hugged Alison, and she and Jack took Alison to her bedroom to calm her down. I stayed with Nick. I looked at him as he took a deep breath and wiped his face with his hands.
"Nick," I called out to him once we were alone. "I told you to stay out of his way. I am sorry I wasn"t here. What happened?"
"I didn"t clean my room, and he...It"s hard to stay out of his way, Kristen. He"s always -" He stopped.
"He"s always what?" I asked.
He didn"t answer me. He just looked at me.
"Does Dad try to do things to you?" I asked him as low as I could so that no one else could hear me.
His eyes grew big in shock. "What do you mean?"
"Listen to me, Nick. I want you to know that you can tell me anything. You can tell me absolutely anything you want to tell me. Does Dad ever try to touch you the bad way?"
Nick looked down and shook his head.
"No?" I had to make sure.