"No," he whispered. Then his large, brown eyes looked up at me. He opened his mouth to say something to me. I waited for something - a sound, a word, and a nod - anything to a.s.sure me.
"Nicholas!"
Jack called out to him from the doorway behind me. I froze in fear. Nick turned away from me and started picking up his room as Jack entered. Jack stared down at me and then looked at Nick. He put one hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. I wouldn"t warm up to him. I tensed in anger, and he let me go. He started toward Nicholas.
"I didn"t mean to hurt you like that. Oh, look at you, you"re bleeding. I"m sorry, son. I"ll clean that up for you in the shower. Why don"t you come on in there with me so that I can help you?" He smiled at Nicholas.
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him to get out and leave us alone, but I couldn"t. Nicholas nodded at Jack and said he"d take a shower with him so that Jack could help him clean up. Jack left the room with a sympathetic smile. I wasn"t fooled. I told Nick that he didn"t have to go if he didn"t want to.
"I have to," he said.
That was the end of that conversation. I had to let it go. I hated myself for leaving. My plan to protect them was failing.
"What were you trying to do, Kristen?" I heard a voice creep into my thoughts.
I opened my eyes, just realizing that they were closed. I saw Mom and Dr. Cuvo standing over my bed. I was in the cold hospital room with the thin, white blanket over me. I must"ve fallen asleep while they had been in the hallway talking. I started to feel crowded in with the two of them hovering.
"What? What did you say?" I asked Mom.
She had crocodile tears in her eyes. It was all an act.
"I talked to Dr. Cuvo. I know about the other day, and how you had banged your wrists," she said. "Dr. Cuvo says that it is best that you go to Bent Creek Hospital. You are not well enough to go home with me. I agree with Dr. Cuvo."
"Do you know what Bent Creek is, Kristen?" Dr. Cuvo asked.
I nodded at him, angry, not wanting to talk or see him or Mom anymore. I wanted to be dead. Away, asleep, somewhere, anywhere but here would have been better than the two of them hovering over me. Suddenly I heard the door open. The nurse from my first day in the hospital walked into the room. She said that it was time to change my bandages and that she would help me get cleaned up. Relief washed over me.
Dr. Cuvo did not leave without shaking my hand. He a.s.sured me that he"d be back tomorrow. Mom gave me a kiss and said that she"d be back tomorrow too, and that we were going to talk. She a.s.sured me that she was not angry with me. She said that she loved me. Then, she and Dr. Cuvo left me alone with the nurse.
When they were gone, I looked up at the nurse, thanking her slightly with a smile. It was the first time I had smiled in a long time. The nurse returned the smile kindly.
She was careful and gentle while she changed my bandages. It was strange to have someone cleaning me like I was a baby. But I knew that I wouldn"t be able to wash my own body for a while. Not only because I couldn"t bathe myself without getting my st.i.tches wet, but also because I couldn"t look down at the horror on my wrists.
I thought deeply about the things that I had done to get myself here. I thought about how much I had screwed up. I thought about my family and the family I used to have. It seemed like it was right for me to breathe and smile at some point in my life. Then everything had just burst to pieces. There had been more downs than ups. But there had been a point when things were up. Then things had fallen back down, slowly at first, and then more quickly. Things had rapidly turned from chaos and confusion to just plain old misery that had made life terrible. It had even been scary sometimes. I was still scared. Just thinking about it horrified me.
I shuddered at the frigid air as the nurse began to undress me. I was sad as the nurse washed me, because I knew that it would have to be like this for a while.
I wanted to be on this type of rollercoaster: Life. I always remembered the fun rollercoasters. The ones that turned you through seemingly endless and almost horrifying tunnels, and yet they were fun. You never wanted them to end, and when they did, you"re either ready to ride another one or ride the same one again. Nevertheless, the rollercoaster of Life was never ending until your dying day.
CHAPTER 4.
The next afternoon, Mom and Dr. Cuvo kept true to their word. Dr. Cuvo was the first one I saw. He came in with my chart and his usual smile. When Dr. Cuvo said that it was time to go, Mom was ready to bring me to Bent Creek herself, but Dr. Cuvo said that, by law, the police or an ambulance had to escort me to the psychiatric hospital.
Mom said she"d meet us at Bent Creek. She took my suitcase with her. She wanted to drive over to Bent Creek in her car. I was glad because I knew it would be awkward for her to ride with me in a police car or an ambulance. I didn"t even remember seeing her in the ambulance on the night I had been rushed to the hospital. She had been holding onto Nicholas to keep him away. I got lost in my thoughts of that night. I must have had a strange look on my face because Dr. Cuvo asked if I was all right.
"Yes," I lied.
"Have you eaten?" Dr. Cuvo asked.
"Yes, I ate," I said as I looked away from his eyes.
We walked down the hallway, followed by the plainly-dressed police officer. The police officer was going to take me to Bent Creek. I began to feel sick inside. That feeling of death came over me. It felt strange to have a police officer following me. I felt like everyone in the hospital was staring at me, as if they knew where I was going and why. My face flushed, and I felt a little dizzy. I tried to keep my head down and stare at my own feet as I walked so that they could not see my eyes. These were my consequences for being so useless and stupid.
"Kristen?"
I looked up at Dr. Cuvo. We stopped and waited for the elevator.
"If there"s anything you need from me while at Bent Creek, I can always be contacted. We will have visits every day. I want you to use this time to the best of your ability to try to let me help you work things out."
I stayed silent and nodded at him. What was taking that elevator so long? I looked over at the exit sign that led to the stairs. I wondered if I could make a break for it. The police officer waved his finger at me like he knew what I was thinking. I rolled my eyes at him and looked back at Dr. Cuvo.
Finally, the elevator arrived. We took it down to the lobby and made our way to the exit. When we were outside, the police officer said that he had to get his car, so Dr. Cuvo and I waited for him. Dr. Cuvo suddenly laughed. I was lost in my thoughts, and his laughter startled me. I looked up at him, confused.
"So what do you think of our rent-a-cop?"
He wasn"t funny. Nothing was funny. I turned away from him, still angry inside.
"Kristen..."
"Why didn"t I just die?" I heard myself say. When I realized I had spoken aloud, I covered my mouth with my right hand.
Dr. Cuvo had heard me.
"There"s a reason for everything," he responded. In a situation like this, the reason is not what"s important. The point is that you are here. Your brother found you, your mother called 911 in time, and you were saved. You"ve come a long way, Kristen. Think about that. I learned about how your heart stopped twice because you had lost so much blood, and now you are standing here on your feet just a couple of weeks later. That says a whole lot about you. You"re a fighter, whether you like it or not. That is what"s going to get you through this. I know you will get through this. You"re too strong not to."
I blushed inside. I had never seen myself the way he had just described me. However, I knew that he was wrong. I wasn"t strong. I was weak and useless. I didn"t know how to feel about what he had said, but I did know that I felt strange. I didn"t want him to see that.
I kept my back towards him, wishing he"d shut up, because the police officer was pulling up in a gray Sedan. The police officer got out as Dr. Cuvo was patting my back. I cringed and took two steps away from him. He was only trying to be kind. I knew it, but I didn"t want to accept it.
The police officer opened the door for me. I climbed into the back seat.
Before he shut the door, I asked Dr. Cuvo, "Was it my Mom?"
"What?"
"Was it my Mom who told you to make me go to Bent Creek, just like she called the ambulance for me to come here?" I asked.
"Yes," he answered. "She signed you into our care to help you. She didn"t do it to hurt you, Kristen."
I nodded. "So, it"s up to her whether or not I can go home?" I started to feel hopeless. Mom would probably let them keep her troubled, messed up, useless child forever. Lock me up and throw away the key. I didn"t blame her.
"No, it"s up to you, since this is your life," Dr. Cuvo said as the police officer started up the vehicle. Dr. Cuvo stuck out his hand to me and we shook. "I"ll see you tomorrow."
Dr. Cuvo closed the car door and I headed off to my prison chambers.
CHAPTER 5.
When we arrived at Bent Creek, I was shocked. It didn"t look anything like I had expected a mental hospital to look. It wasn"t like on television. There weren"t any bars on the windows. There were actually flowers and trees outside, and the people who worked there smiled when they greeted us. My mother handed one of the workers my suitcase. Immediately, she s.n.a.t.c.hed it away and started going through it. I almost laughed at her eagerness, but I wasn"t even going to crack a smile in here, especially not around Mom.
It was almost dark outside when we arrived. It had been a fair ride-not too long, but not short, either. It was freezing in the office where they made us wait. Mom and I sat at a long, rectangular table. I tried to sit furthest away from the door. Mom followed me and sat next to me.
Shortly after, a woman came into the room. She had my suitcase in her hand. She placed the suitcase next to me, and then sat across from Mom and me. She spoke in a sweet, high-pitched voice and she spoke very carefully.
"My name is Nurse Habersham. I am one of the psychiatric nurses here at Bent Creek. Kristen, I"m going to ask a few questions to put in your chart." She looked at Mom. "I understand that Kristen has not had a full evaluation. However, this doesn"t mean anything, since Dr. Cuvo has already admitted her."
Mom nodded at her while trying to look at my chart. The nurse kept it at an angle so that she could write. Mom wasn"t having much success.
"It"s just procedure. We have to do these evaluations. It"s just an initial one, and then we will do another one before Kristen is discharged." She looked at me and smiled.
I wanted to try to smile back, but I felt too awkward. Mom was sitting right beside me. I couldn"t let her think that I actually felt good about this place or what I had done to get here.
Mom squeezed my hand. "Now we"ll get you the help that you need. Some real help," she said, not looking at me.
The nurse gave me another warm smile. I didn"t feel warm. I felt cold. I wished I could go home with Mom. I wished that I could fool them and tell them I was fine, that I was just having a bad night and that I was over all of that mess. I wished.
But there I was, about to be left alone, for G.o.d only knew how long, with people who didn"t know me. People whom I didn"t know, Mom didn"t know, and who probably didn"t really care about me. They were just people with jobs to me. They were people who needed to make a living, just like we all did. In addition, I had seen how people were treated in these types of places. I had watched television specials and investigative doc.u.mentaries about old mental hospitals. There was no way I could get sane. Not in this place. Not in prison.
"Excuse me, when will I get to see Dr. Cuvo?" I asked Nurse Habersham.
"You will get to see your doctor tomorrow. Right now, I am going to let you have the things that are safe for you to keep in your room. They are all in your suitcase, there by your feet. We had to remove a few things, but we hold on to them. You will be able to have them when you need them. You can"t keep items like hair sprays, nail files, and make-up, things like that. It"s just procedure."
"Do I need to take some things home with me?" Mom asked her.
"You can take whatever you don"t want us to hold. We just lock up those other things until she needs them. She can ask for her things like make up and nail files in the morning at grooming time, but she just can"t keep them in her possession."
I rolled my eyes. Yep, I thought, why didn"t I think of that? I could kill myself with a lipstick and some hair spray. I could just picture it. I felt myself chuckle when my stomach jumped. I must have sounded strange, because the nurse said, "Bless you," as if I had sneezed. Better she thought I had sneezed than laughed.
"How old are you, Kristen?" Nurse Habersham asked.
"She"s seventeen," Mom spoke up for me. "Her eighteenth birthday isn"t for another month and a half."
"Okay. Kristen, you are going to be on the Adolescent Ward with peers around your age." Nurse Habersham explained.
I would have preferred to go to the ward with the adults. Maybe there would be a lot of old and quiet people. They would leave me alone and not tease me like the other kids did.
"Are you still in school, Kristen?" Nurse Habersham asked.
"I"m home schooled, but I will be graduating soon."
"Home school," she repeated. "Well, if she is to keep up with her schooling, you can bring her books and homework to her. Since it is summertime, we don"t have study hall during the day. Study hall is only during the school year. If Kristen"s home schooling is year-round, then she could take time during her free periods to study."
Mom nodded. I sat still, staring down at my hands. They rested on top of my knees.
The nurse excused herself and went to the door. She spoke very low to someone who was standing out there. I turned to Mom.
"Mom? Where are Nick and Alison?" I asked.
Mom said, "They are with their aunt and uncle."
I shuddered as I thought about what that meant. A sharp pain went through my chest. Jonathan Sr. and Mariah were Nick and Alison"s aunt and uncle. Mom hadn"t cut ties with them, even after she and Jack had divorced. It was nice of them to look after my brother and sister while Mom couldn"t. It just meant that they knew. If they knew, then John knew. If John knew, then Lexus knew.
Something landed on my lap. I looked down. It was a hospital gown. I looked back up. Another nurse had come in and tossed it to me. Nurse Habersham was still there. She was talking to Mom now and showing her out the door. I was confused as to what was going on.
"I need you to take off all of your clothes except your underwear, and put that gown on," the new nurse said kindly. "I"ll be back." She stepped out of the room.
I changed out of my clothes, feeling strange. When I was in the gown and out of my clothes, I sat and waited for the nurse to come back in. She had great timing. She came back in with my chart, a pen, and she was wearing a pair of elastic gloves.
She asked me a bunch of questions. "Any stomach aches? Headaches? Do you have asthma? Kidney problems? Vomiting? Diarrhea?
I shook my head no to all of the above. Then she stood up. "I"m going to examine you quickly for any scars or wounds that you have coming in here, and I"ll also check your vitals. When I am finished, you can put your clothes back on."
I stood up. She stood before me and raised my arms. She pressed on my tummy, my ribs, and my abdomen. I couldn"t help but giggle. She somehow made it tickle. It was funny how she and the doctor were the only ones since Dad who could make me ticklish. They were the only ones who seemed to have that magic, ticklish touch. They knew exactly where to find that spot on my tummy where I was hiding the rest of the little girl that was left inside of me.
I wondered how much of that little girl was left inside of me. Things seemed to happen so fast in life. I"d lost so much time. I had to keep finding the way to make myself deal with things instead of going to Mommy and Dad to help. Dad wasn"t there. There was only Jack. The monster had made me too scared. Mom had been blinded by darkness, and I couldn"t reach her without any light. It didn"t seem like there would ever be any light.
The nurse continued to search me from head to toe. I saw her face as she saw all of my old scars. Her face sank in sadness. I remembered where most of the scars had come from, and how I"d been too angry with myself to leave my room sometimes. I"d taken a piece of something sharp, like the back of my earring, and had sc.r.a.ped it hard onto my skin until it had bled or until the pain had been so thick and satisfying that I could stop. My breathing had been so hard and heavy from my head pounding. I"d felt my heart beat in my brain. I"d sucked in the atmosphere and accepted my punishment for being alive and having to be there. Sometimes I"d even completely forgotten why I had done it in the first place.
The nurse finally finished poking at me. She listened to my breathing through a stethoscope and then she wanted me to drop my gown. Nervously, I did what she asked. There I stood, in nothing but my cotton, white underwear. She did another search of my legs, back, chest, and arms. She seemed to be counting under her breath. She asked me how old some of the fresher looking scars were. She even asked how some of them got there. I wanted her to take a wild guess. She knew, but she was being like Dr. Cuvo, trying to make me think about it.
She stretched out my arms and squeezed my heavily bandaged wrists. I shuddered in pain. "Oh, I"m so sorry," she apologized. Then she stopped and looked at me. "What happened?"
I shrugged my shoulders.
"You don"t know what happened to your wrists?"
I stayed quiet and stared down at the floor. I just wanted to go home. Getting frustrated, the nurse gave up on me and told me to get dressed. She left the room.
I started putting my clothes back on. I bent over to put on my shoes, and something fell out of my pocket. It was something shiny. As I looked closer, I realized what it was. It was my sterling silver b.u.t.terfly pendant. I picked it up off the floor, and stared at it closely. If I had been caught with this, they would have definitely taken it away. I used to have a lace string that looped through one of its sharp wings so I could wear it around my neck. I"d just started carrying it in my pocket so that no one could see how sharp I had kept its wings. It was easy to sharpen on any hard rock. The wings were so sharp that I could run the pendant across my skin without pressing, and a line of blood would break through. I loved it. I could always keep Mr. Sharp near me.
"Who"s Mr. Sharp?" Lexus had asked once, when we were kids. Lexus had been my best friend for a long time.
We had been sitting in my bedroom for hours, trying to figure out what we wanted to do with ourselves until Lexus" parents came to get us. They were letting me come over to Lexus" house for the weekend. I was so excited. I loved going over to Lexus" house.
Lexus and I became friends when I was in the sixth grade. She was in eighth grade. We both didn"t really like each other at first because she used to be popular in middle school, and I was more like a social reject. She was two years older than I was, and at that age, we thought that two years was too big of a gap for us to have anything in common.
Lexus was beautiful. She had long, flowing hair that she always wore out, and her mom let her wear make-up. I kept my shorter hair in a ponytail, and Mom didn"t let me wear make-up in middle school. Not many boys paid attention to me, and the girls made fun of me for not looking like them. It just so happened that one day, at a company picnic for the advertising company that Mom worked for, Lexus and I spotted our parents greeting each other. It turned out that Lexus" dad was on the same work team as my mom. They found out that Lexus and I went to the same school. Days after the picnic, our parents used Lexus and me as a good excuse to meet up and have play dates.