I couldn"t resist running my hand over her hair. Here, now, in the darkened room, when both our defenses were down, when there were no angry words between us, it felt like the first time all over again.
Before I knew what I was about, I found myself turning her onto her back. She was coming awake just as I slipped into her body.
The two of us rocked against each other, my d.i.c.k going to his new favorite place, past that tight ring and into the rubbery surface of her cervix.
Her juices ran down my c.o.c.k to the bed beneath her as I f.u.c.ked her nice, slow and deep, with my face buried in her neck.
It was only after I"d c.u.m in her like a geyser that I realized I hadn"t been thinking of anything but being inside her that time.
That was happening more and more of late. If I weren"t careful, I was going to land myself in a s.h.i.+tload of problems.
I eased out of her soft p.u.s.s.y and flopped onto my back with my arm thrown over my eyes. She was already out cold.
I dropped off not long after, feeling more at peace than I had in way too long. That peace was shattered sometime later by a child"s weak scream.
"Daddy, mommy." I hit the ground running as soon as I heard her cry; her mother wasn"t far behind.
I hit her door and didn"t stop until I was standing at the side of her bed.
"Oh baby." She was covered in puke and her poor little face was red and blotchy. I s.n.a.t.c.hed her up from the bed and ran back to my room to grab my phone and keys.
I slipped on a pair of shoes as I wrestled with the phone to call her doctor before I made my way out the door to the garage.
"Zania you drive while I hold her." I threw her the keys and hopped into the pa.s.senger seat while she got behind the wheel.
She had a death grip on the wheel and I was sure her heart was racing in time with mine. I probably should"ve called the driver, but that would"ve taken too much time.
Mia made a whimpering sound in her throat and clutched at me.
"It"s okay baby, we"re almost there. Daddy"s got you."
We made good time getting to the hospital. There was a stretcher there to meet us, but I held her as the doctor called out orders to the rest of his staff.
They wanted me to leave the room, but there was no way I was going to do that, especially not the way she was holding onto me.
"I"m staying and so is she. Just get us some protective gowns." One of the nurses left to do my bidding as yet others took Mia out of my arms and removed the soiled nightgown that I"d been in too much of a hurry to deal with.
They were all giving me strange looks and I thought I probably had puke all over me too, until I looked down and saw what it was that was making them blush.
s.h.i.+t, I wasn"t wearing a s.h.i.+rt. I"d been in such a state of panic that I hadn"t even stopped to think.
A quick look at Zania showed that although she was covered she was still only wearing her nightclothes. A pair of shorts and a lace edged tank that barely covered her navel.
Without a bra her t.i.ts were on full display, and I must say, for a woman who"d borne my child, her t.i.ts looked f.u.c.king amazing.
"Get her a gown, now." The f.u.c.king doctor might be old but not too f.u.c.king old to see and appreciate.
I got that burn in my gut that I always got where she was concerned. It wasn"t the fist time I"ve wanted to smash someone"s face in for looking at her too close.
I just never thought I"d ever give into that s.h.i.+t again. Somehow, something inside me still knew that she was mine though, and that something wasn"t having this s.h.i.+t.
"You, come here." I called her over while our daughter tried to crawl back into my lap and away from the nurses and the doctor that were trying to tend her.
"It"s okay sweetie I"ve got you." I held her while they hooked her up and looked her over.
The nurse came back with the gowns and she put hers on, taking my stress level down a notch. She mumbled something under her breath that sounded like "double standards", as she tied it at the neck, so I put mine on as well the best I could with my sick child clinging to me.
After half an hour we learned that our daughter had a high fever and nausea. It was nothing to worry about according to them, just a side-affect of all that"s been going on in her little body.
She was fussier than I"d ever seen her and nothing helped. She wanted both of us near as in on the bed with her, holding her in some way.
Zania took it all in stride while I was a nervous wreck. I"ve never been so scared in my life and I don"t think I breathed again until I felt the fever waning in the early morning hours as we laid on either side of her, cradling her between us.
The doctor came in some time later after breakfast, which my kid couldn"t keep down. He just wanted to go over her status again for the one-hundredth time, a status that hasn"t changed.
I already knew the chemo hadn"t worked and that the only option she had left was the baby. Why the f.u.c.k he thought I needed to hear that s.h.i.+t again beats me.
I held my tongue though because Zania already looked like she"d had about all she could take, and I wasn"t going to lose my s.h.i.+t in front of Mia anyway.
He reminded us once again that she was on a donor list, but she was way down on the list.
I didn"t know how those things worked, but I knew enough to know it was a c.r.a.pshoot. Not what I wanted to hear at a time like this.
As I sat next to her bed holding her hand later that day, after another bout of spiked fever and throwing up, I realized that all the money in the world couldn"t fix this.
It was the only thing I had to give her, and it was no use to her. I don"t know where people get the idea that money is the answer to whatever ails you.
If I could buy the bone marrow she needed, you bet your a.s.s I would, but I didn"t know the first thing about how to go about doing that s.h.i.+t.
I brought it up and the doctor just brushed me off when I mentioned it, like he thought I was kidding. I wasn"t; I would do that s.h.i.+t in a heartbeat if I could.
It was the first time I felt the absence of the tension that existed between Zania and I. I realized that she was helping me along without words, in what I needed to do for my daughter.
It made me wonder who was there for her before when Mia was sick, and before I could help myself I had to ask.
"Did she ever call anyone else daddy?" She gave me a shy look before turning away.
"No. There was no one." For some reason, that s.h.i.+t touched someplace inside me, that I hadn"t even known had been waiting for that answer.
That answered one question at least. She hadn"t left me for another man. She obviously hadn"t been the gold digger than mom kept insisting that she was, because when all was said and done, all she"d ever had from me was what I"d given her, which she"d left behind.
So what the f.u.c.k was her story? Nothing she"d said or done since coming home, f.u.c.k; since coming back here, had given me any clues as to what was really going on with her a.s.s.
Like I had time to deal with this s.h.i.+t. I should just ask her outright what the f.u.c.k and be done with it, but the man in me wasn"t too pleased with that idea.
I spent the day running hot and cold. When I watched the way she cared for our child, I felt pride and I guess I can own to an- affection.
But a split second later I will feel such intense anger and hatred that I didn"t know what to do with myself.
I knew that as long as this illness ruled our lives there was going to be a lot of ups and downs, but I could feel it in my bones. The time was fast approaching when her and I were gonna have to work this s.h.i.+t out.
Chapter 12.
That night, we had to leave Mia there again. We waited until she had fallen asleep of course, but then she woke up just as we were at the door, making the most pitiful sounds.
It was the first time she"d made a fuss when it was time for us to go and it ripped my guts out to leave her there alone, even after we got her back to sleep.
There was something building inside me, something dark and forceful that I knew would break and spew over everyone and everything if something didn"t give soon. Still, I couldn"t just let go.
Back at the house Zania and I shared a meal before cleaning up. We were back to tiptoeing around each other and I was over the s.h.i.+t already.
"I"m sleeping in Mia"s room tonight." Why the f.u.c.k is she starting with me?
"No, you"re not." I pulled her along after me towards our room. No, my daughter wasn"t there to convince and no, I had no idea what the f.u.c.k I was doing. But all I know is that I didn"t want her sleeping away from me tonight.
She followed me so easily, without too much of a fight, that I figured she didn"t really want to be alone either. I didn"t make anything of it. I was too f.u.c.king tired to deal with the bulls.h.i.+t anymore tonight.
I took a hot shower in one of the guest bathrooms while she took a bath in ours. I could"ve used the shower stall in there, but I don"t think either of us was ready for that kind of intimacy. Which was crazy when you think about it.
It was she who turned to me when we finally fell into bed not long after. I was more than a little surprised at first, but I knew what she wanted when I felt her little hand land on my chest.
My eyes flew open and moved to hers. She had a look of fear as if she expected rejection. I ignored my treacherous heart, which seemed to delight in her capitulation.
Holding her eyes with mine, I brought her closer to me so I could kiss her cheek.
I still couldn"t bring myself to kiss her lips, especially after my reaction to the one in the hospital.
Even the cheek thing seemed too much like lovers, but she looked like she needed it. Then suddenly everything changed.
She pulled me over her and spread her legs, fighting her hand between us to grab my c.o.c.k; and before I could say yes or no, she was stuffing my d.i.c.k inside her.
The noises she made told me more than words what was going on with her.
"Shh, shh, calm down baby." Too late, I couldn"t take back the endearment and I don"t think she noticed anyway. She was too busy trying to run from the demons that were chasing her tail.
She was crying and moving beneath me like she was in a race to the finish. "Please..."
"Shh, I know, I know, it"s going to be okay." I guess she was finally ready to put everything else aside and do what needed to be done for our child after last night"s scare.
It started out easy enough, she was needy and I had a hard d.i.c.k, but by the tenth stroke I was feeling, something.
I finally realized what it was when I started chewing on her neck to keep myself from kissing her lips.
There was a struggle going on inside me. I needed to protect myself from her brand of poison, but something inside of me wanted to open up and let her in again. "f.u.c.k no."
Pulling out of her body I flipped her over and slammed into her from behind, making her scream and grab the sheets in her fists.
This was less intimate; this was a f.u.c.k plain and simple. There was no grey area here, my c.o.c.k in her p.u.s.s.y; that was the beginning and the end of it.
I couldn"t quite convince myself this time though it appeared. It seems I was in danger of falling again.
"f.u.c.k-f.u.c.k-f.u.c.k!" I plowed into her over and over, boring deeper with each thrust, trying to purge her out of my f.u.c.king system; but nothing worked this time.
I had to grit my teeth to keep from saying the wrong f.u.c.king thing, or doing something equally stupid, like asking her why the f.u.c.k she"d left.
When she"d c.u.m for the third or fourth time I pulled out and laid flat, pulling her over me to take my c.o.c.k cowgirl style.
"f.u.c.k yourself on my c.o.c.k." She started off well enough but in the middle of me f.u.c.king up into her hard, while holding her hips in a grip that was sure to leave a mark; she started pelting my chest with her little fists.
She was crying so hard that no sound would come. Just great big dry heaves, as fat tears rolled down her cheeks.
I hadn"t been prepared for the onslaught and so she snuck in under my guard. Being as careful as I could, I folded her into me and rolled us both over until she was pinned beneath me.
"Don"t baby, it"s going to be okay, I promise." She almost brought me to tears then with the look of utter despair in her eyes.
I closed my eyes and tried to close off my heart the same way, for sheer self-preservation. She clutched at me as though she thought I had all the answers.
I smoothed her hair back and looked down into her eyes. There were words locked in my throat, words of comfort, words that I daren"t say out loud.
I couldn"t give her the words but maybe I could do something else for her. "Hang onto me Zania."
She felt tighter, hotter, silkier, as I stroked into her, trying my best to soothe her with my c.o.c.k.
She calmed and relaxed around me, taking me into her core as she met me thrust for thrust.
Her nails made tracks down my back as I moved in slow, grinding circles that had my pubic bone rubbing her c.l.i.toris the way I remembered she liked.
For the first time since I"d dragged her back to my bed, I relented enough to give her a small part of me.
When I came this time, I didn"t just leave her warmth, but instead stayed buried inside her, until my d.i.c.k slipped out on its own.
I wasn"t quite ready for the cuddling stage of this mess; that was going a bit too far. So I rolled off of her and back to my side of the bed. Thankfully she seemed to be over whatever had hit her, because she rolled over and went to sleep.
It was a while before I found any rest though; my mind was too busy kicking my a.s.s. It kept telling me that I was missing something, but what, I couldn"t begin to imagine.
Looking over at her as she slept in her usual sprawl, I wasn"t sure what I was looking for. Was I trying to find the sweet young girl I"d met that first night? Did that girl even exist or had it all been a lie?
Something inside of me rebelled at the thought. Even with all the evidence, skimpy though it was, I still had a hard time accepting that I could"ve been so wrong.
But what else could I believe? She"d left hadn"t she? There was no disputing that fact, but why?