However, hurt can come from many varied sources. Parents are often shocked to learn the ways our children feel hurt in our families. Th ey often have no idea! Here are some of the biggest culprits that contribute to your child"s hurt and that you should be alerted to: Being punished 2. Losing power struggles 3. Perceiving sibling favoritism We will explore the major ways that we can lessen feelings of favoritism in our houses: * Stop being "fair"
* Free your children from their roles * Learn new ways to respond to sibling conflict without siding with one child: ignore it put them in the same boat put it on the agenda the two-arm technique (no, it"s a not wrestling move) bugs and wishes Finally, we"ll learn some new parenting skills, too: * The skill of active listening * Actions to help heal and re-build the relationship And, of course, I"ll continue to inform you of the common mistakes parents make in the application of these tools, so you can stay ahead of the learning curve.
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WHY PUNISHMENT DOESN"T WORK Punishment hurts. The fact that it hurts is the very mechanism that supposedly makes it eff ective. But h.e.l.lo! We know it is not working because we have a hurting child who is retaliating instead of "reforming" (are you loving social equality yet?).
I have argued this point since the beginning of the book. Our children have the same ability to feel pain and hurt as an adult.
They don"t have an inferior nervous system or a deficiency in their emotional center that makes them somehow immune to parental admonishments. Our children feel just as we feel, and they thrive when treated with respect and dignity, just as we do. So the golden rule applies: treat others (your children) the same way you want to be treated. It"s not a tough rule to understand. It"s doing it that can be surprisingly difficult, especially when parenting. Don"t worry: we will fill you up with more non-punitive tools in this chapter.
However, maybe you still cling to the idea that pain is somehow remedial. Does it bother you that Jill is having too much fun vacuuming up the potting soil she purposely spilled? Do you find yourself wishing she was upset, or do you feel like since she is enjoying the clean up you are somehow rewarding bad behavior? We have to get these ideas 100 percent out of our minds if we are to make progress. For starters, keep chanting: "Children who feel good, do good; children who feel bad, do bad."
All punishment must cease. Not just the blatant corporal punishment of spanking, hitting, pinching and any other such physical a.s.saults: I am appealing to you to eliminate any of those "make them feel bad" strategies you may employ. We have to let go of all our negative body language that is attempting to cause some form of ache or upset in our children. The rolling eyeb.a.l.l.s that say, "You disgust me." The crossed arms that say, "I"ve had enough of you."
Ouch Ouch Ouch. STOP.143.
My Abbreviated Checklist of Things to STOP doing: 1. Stop using hurtful words: 1. Stop using hurtful words: "What"s wrong with you, anyway?"
"You"re driving me nuts, do you know that?"
"I am sick of you and you"re carrying on; just stop it!"
"He"s my little monster child."
"You sure know how to ruin things."
"Why do I even bother with you?"
"Smarten up!"
2. Stop sending hurtful messages-things we don"t dare say out Stop sending hurtful messages-things we don"t dare say out loud, but if we feel them, so do our children. Th loud, but if we feel them, so do our children. Th ese unspoken ese unspoken messages are in the subtext of our communications: "You"re not good enough."
"You"re a problem."
"I don"t love you."
"You"re a liability to my life."
"My life would be better if I didn"t have to deal with you."
"You"ll never amount to anything."
"You aren"t the child I wanted."
"Our family would have been perfect if not for you."
"You ruin everything."
"You"ll never amount to anything."
3. Stop hurtful actions: * Hitting with belts, spoons, hair brushes (Yes, it gets worse, but I think you get the idea.) * Spanking * Smacking hands * Swatting b.u.ms * Pinching 144.
* Forcing the child to stand against a wall with arms over-head * Carrying the child aggressively or tugging on shirt collars or wrists * Sending the child to bed without dinner * Forcing the child into confinement and isolation ("Go to your room!") * Withholding allowance ("That"ll be a dollar docked for every cuss word, mister.") * Withholding love (stonewalling, rejection, silent treatment) * Forced labor ("Just for that, you"ll be pulling dandelions from the lawn this weekend.") * Confiscating possessions ("If you can"t treat your brother nicely, I am taking your Yugio cards away.") * Removing privileges ("With that kind of rudeness, you can plan on no television this week. If I hear another peep, it"s two weeks with no TV!") * Humiliation and shaming tactics ("Look in my eyes. Look at me when I"m talking. Now say what I told you back to me . . . say it." "Are you a little boy? Do little boys need to sit in little highchairs again and wear diapers like a little baby does? Well, you"re crying liking a baby." "Go sit on your naughty chair until you can behave.") * Token economy systems ("I"ll give you a marble for good behavior, but I"ll take away a marble for bad behavior. You didn"t make your bed this morning so that was a three-marble infraction.") * Sarcasm ("Look at this report card. Well, I guess we don"t need to be putting away money for a Harvard education.")145.
When the child"s goal is revenge, our parenting job is to help the hurting child heal. You are only getting in the way of your own goal when you punish. Think about what would be helpful to you if you were hurting. If your family discounted you, would more punishment make you shape up? Or would loving kindness be more apt to bring about a softening of your counterattacks? We have to fi nd ways to replenish our children"s crucial sense that they count in our families.
It"s a necessary condition for co-operation to occur.
The floggings will continue until the morale improves.
Th e difficulty in dealing with children who seek revenge is that they often behave in ways that make it harder to want to act in loving and kind ways towards them, but I know you can see behind their tough facade now. Once they feel safe and secure again, when they don"t need to lob back the cannons we"ve been throwing, we will begin to see more of the soft and loving nature that is in each and every one of our children. There are non-punitive tools peppered throughout every chapter so that parents can trade in an old punitive technique for a new, positive discipline alternative.
STOP WINNING POWER STRUGGLES.
We know from the last chapter on power that our best parenting approach is to dissolve power struggles, drop the rope, have a truce, and work towards win-win solutions.
Up till now, we often ended power struggles by winning them and defeating our children. Repeated defeat hurts. If the power balance has been skewed for a while, the child is most likely harboring resentment, and that hurt will be expressed in acts of 146 revenge. Healing old deep wounds can take time. Be patient with your hurt child.
It"s not just the fact that we were winning power struggles for so long, but also how we were winning: by using those darned punishments. Lets face it, when our back is up against the wall and matters are escalating, we just start pulling out bigger and bigger weapons in order to win. Sometimes we use overt and blatant punishment, but other times it"s not so easy to see how we were being punitive.
There are those "tricky hidden punishments" that are harder to recognize, even though we"re the ones using them. Being calm and not screaming is no guarantee we aren"t being punitive. We can seem oh-so-reasonable. We can convince ourselves that we are not in a fight and that we are simply following through with democratic principles (We tell ourselves, of course they don"t like it and that is why they are spitting at me and saying "I hate you!").
But, are you sure you"re being democratic? A revenge-seeking child tells us differently. Maybe our calmness is coming off as cold-blooded or even cruel.
"Get off the computer, Braydon. That is enough computer for one night." Braydon hears his mom, but his friends are still IM"ing about plans for the weekend and Braydon doesn"t want to miss out. Usually, if he ignores her, he can squeeze an extra ten minutes in. When Braydon keeps IM"ing, Mom unplugs the computer from the wall announcing, "That"s it . . . I"m taking it away if you can"t turn it off when you are told." She smiles at Braydon and calmly walks off with his laptop under her arm. "Take that," she thinks to herself.
Braydon is apoplectic. Mom might as well have cut off his hand and killed his social life in one fell swoop.147.
Mom convinces herself that she is confiscating his computer as a "logical consequence," so she can justify her actions. "If freedoms and responsibilities go hand in hand, then it is logical that if you don"t use the computer properly, you lose your freedoms and the computer is taken away. Isn"t this the new respectful egalitarian way?"
Sure, she can make it hold up rationally in her head, but that doesn"t stop it from being punitive.
* Mom holds power over Braydon because she is still expecting him to "jump" on her command. (He must log off whenever she randomly decides it"s enough. This is very ambiguous and smacks of gatekeeping.) * There is no pre-set agreement or well-disclosed expectation about how much computer time Braydon is ent.i.tled to each night. He often gets extra time by ignoring her requests to shut it down. Why should tonight be any diff erent?
* Mom didn"t reveal the consequence of losing the computer in advance. She threatens often, but Braydon knows these are idle threats Mom doesn"t follow through on. She has taught him that.
* What were Mom"s intentions? Mom took the computer away as a tactic to win and get her way, but also to make him pay for not listening to her. She is not trying to teach and stimulate his co-operation about his computer use. She has not only ambitions to WIN but also to HURT him for his actions. She wants him to feel regret and remorse, but he"s one of those modern resistant kids who feels his equality, so instead, he feels hurt and will seek revenge.
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Common Parenting Pitfall: Using "Mock Consequences"
to Disguise Your Punishment Using mock consequences to win fights is not the same as dissolving power struggles or being firm and friendly. If parents continue to enter into power struggles, fight with their children and win by triumphing with punishments that hurt their children, there is going to be some form of revenge to face eventually. After all, how many times can you cut a person down without it taking a toll?
To fight and lose repeatedly to your parents is to live in a state of oppression.
Rebellion reveals a desire to win power.
Revenge is in the business of hurting.
Braydon doesn"t see his mom"s taking his computer away as being logical. To him, it was an act of cruelty. It"s the intention to hurt him that sets Mom up to be the target of his revenge. We need to get Mom to stop giving Braydon reasons to want to get back at her.
So, an important reminder: stop winning power struggles, and keep a keen eye out for any bogus "logical" consequence. In fact, instead of consequences, I urge you to move along to mutual problem-solving tactics that I recommend as the preferred tool for power struggles. Jeremy and Mom need to figure out how to manage the computer situation together. I"ll be discussing this again in Chapter 8 when we talk about holding family meetings.
PERCEPTIONS OF FAVORITISM BY BIRTH ORDER.
When I am looking for what might be the source of a hurt in a revengeful child, I take a good look at the other siblings. How Chapter Six 149.
does a revengeful child fit into the whole constellation of the family, and how do things generally play out at home for him or her?
Since the number one source of discouragement for our children is the perception that another sibling is preferred, I have a good hunch that we"ll find the culprit here.
The biggest source of discouragement for our children is the perception that another sibling is preferred.
It Sucks Being Me in This Family!
The gra.s.s is always greener on the other side of the fence, isn"t it?
Each child in the family has a unique vantage point from which to observe the family, usually while throwing crabapples at siblings because they have it better! There is no actual better or worse birth order; it"s all in the child"s perception. But if we could see family life through a child"s eyes, we"d see why each of our children might feel they are being short-shrift ed.
Why It Sucks to Be the Eldest * Mom and Dad put the pressure on me to set a good example for my younger sibs.
* I am forced to include my younger siblings. Why does Sally have to tag along with us to the movies? We want to meet boys!
* I am treated like a built-in babysitter.
* I get asked to do more because I am more capable and more responsible.
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* I am expected to share or acquiesce to my younger sibs since "they don"t understand."
* Everything gets dumbed-down to their level. I have to watch cartoons instead of Friends. In the car, I can"t listen to the radio. I have to listen to Th e Wiggles instead. ("Oh, come on! Not Th e Wiggles again! Who signed me up for this? You care more about my sisters than me! I always have to give in to them.") Ouch, hurt! That is tough. Who would want to be an eldest?
Wouldn"t it be better to be the middle child then?
Why It Sucks More to Be a Middle Child * I don"t get any of the privileges of the eldest, nor the pampering of the baby-I get nothing.
* I feel squeezed out of my family. I get more attention at my friends" houses than my own.
* I always have to be the middle man in fights and mediate everything.
* I don"t feel special in anyway, and I"m not best at anything. I don"t stand out; I fade away.
* I live in the shadow of my elder sibling who seems to do everything Mom and Dad want. How can I keep up with that?
* I don"t feel understood. No one sees things from my perspective.
* I get blamed more than anyone else. That feels so unfair.
* I feel like my role in the family is to be "the problem." I always seem to be the one that Mom and Dad take issue with.151.
* I feel everything is harder for me and people are harder on me.
* People never cut me a break like they do with my siblings.
Gee, and you thought the eldest had it bad. You can see why "That"s not FAIR!" is the middle child"s battle cry and why she fi ghts for the rights of the underdog.
Why Being the Baby in the Family Sucks Too * I don"t have anyone younger than me to push around.
* You guys get to do everything first: you got to go to school first, you get allowance first, you go to camp and sleepovers first. I want to try too, but I am told, "No, you"re too young; you have to wait."
* By the time I do something for the first time, it"s not new to Mom and Dad anymore. It"s like they don"t care that I"m learning to ride a bike, but they gave you a ticker-tape parade and made a movie. How is that supposed to make me feel?
* Everything you do is bigger and better. Bigger ski hills, bigger bike, harder math. I am reminded of my smallness and inabilities at every turn.
* I feel laughed at when I slip up. I feel hurt when you say I am stupid because I asked if those were real gnomes on the front lawn. That is not a silly question. I mean if there is a tooth fairy, couldn"t those be real too? I do so have important thoughts, you know!
* I ask for new things, and I am told to use your scuff ed-up hand-me-downs, and I don"t even like the color. Can"t I have something for myself? Don"t I count?
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* I would do anything to be like you and be included in your play, even if that means you dress me up like a cat, tie me up in skipping rope and laugh at me. I am willing to be humiliated so long as you include me.
It seems if people want to get down in the mouth they all have just cause. It"s eye-opening to see how life in the family might look to each of our children, and to get a leg up in identifying what might be hurtful to them.
Certainly, we can try to respond to some of these complaints, like rallying a bit more enthusiasm when the baby learns to ride a bike, even if this is our third time through it. We can try not to overburden our eldest with responsibility for the younger siblings.
And, yes, we can do more to help our middle children-who don"t have as clearly a defined place-to feel more significant. We can be responsive to our children, but we must make sure in doing so that we don"t show favoritism to one child over another.
CHILDREN"S PERCEPTIONS OF SIBLING FAVORITISM There is probably nothing that hurts a child as much or as frequently as parental favoritism. We know that showing favoritism is a parenting no-no. I"ll bet you already spend huge amounts of time and energy just to make sure you don"t favor one child over the other. But here is the ugly truth: What you are doing to prevent favoritism is actually fuelling it. That"s right, trying to be "fair" only makes more problems.
See? Aren"t you glad you"re learning this stuff ?
Let"s look at how we respond to the following cries for fairness that backfi re: "How come he gets new running shoes?"
"Why do I have to clean it up? I didn"t even make the mess!"153.
"How come he gets to have a friend over and I don"t?"
"His pancake is bigger than mine!"
To really ensure everything is fair, we have to become a bean counter. How else can you tell if you"ve actually reached "even"?
Everything now has to be judged, measured and weighed. It"s b.l.o.o.d.y exhausting! Let"s look at how tedious it all becomes when brothers Liam and Dakota try to figure out "fair" at bedtime: Liam: "Mom, you read two books to Dakota, but only one book to me!"
Mom: "But you"re older and the books you read have more words."