Liam: "Yeah, but not that many!"
Mom: "How about I read 15 minutes with him and 15 minutes with you? Would that be more fair?"
Liam: "Okay-that seems fair."
And so the first night ends with the new "fair"
arrangement. And the next night . . .
The timer chimes: DING!
Dakota: "Oh no, time is up. It"s been 15 minutes, but we only have one page left in the story. Please let"s just fi nish the book."
Liam: "Mom! That"s not fair I heard the timer go off . He"s getting more time!"
Mom: "Oh, good gravy!"
The micro-calculations will drive you nuts. And what about the times when "fair" is far apart? If Liam is involved in hockey and Dakota takes piano lessons, do you cut Dakota a check for $300 154.
every time you are required to take Liam to a hockey tournament out of town to "make it fair"?
If Dakota had something like cystic fibrosis and needed hours of respiratory therapy everyday, would you try to match that one-on-one time with Liam? What would that look like if you had Liam Dakota two other children? No way could you keep it even.
In our quest for "fair" we end up inviting comparisons, judgment and compet.i.tion between our children. Someone is going to feel they came out behind the other. That is where the quiet pain and hurt sneaks in.
I suggest we move to a different model. What if I told you we could live in families where parental time and resources are in abundance and everyone feels their needs are met at home? I will show you how it"s possible. Th e benefit is that there will be no more feelings of one child being loved or cared for more than another, which is what you wanted in the first place. Pain goes away, revenge behaviors stop. Let"s learn how.
Favoritism Solution #1: A Family without Fair If Liam complains, "His pancake is bigger than mine," Mom could reply "I am not interested in how much Dakota has; I only want to know if you have enough pancakes for you. I have more batter, and if you would like another pancake let me know."
If Dakota complains that Liam goes to expensive hockey tournaments, Mom and Dad can say, "If you need to travel or buy equipment for your hobbies or extracurricular activities, we"ll be sure to support your needs, too."
We need to send the message to our children that at various times different people in our family may need more or less of our family time, and more or less money or attention, and that is okay. We can Chapter Six 155.
a.s.sure our children that we are here for each other as a family, and that we"ll do whatever it takes to make sure everyone"s needs are met.
Th at is what co-operation is all about. No bean counting for me.
Favoritism Solution #2: Don"t Compare This point I can"t emphasize enough: not only am I suggesting you stop comparing pancake sizes, I am also saying we need to stop comparing our children to one another. Here are some favorite comments to throw out the window as soon as possible: "Ca.s.sandra was reading chapter books at your age."
"Why can"t you be more polite, like your sister?"
"Your sister pulled off an all-A report card."
"Your brother is really something special."
"If he can do it, you certainly can."
These sentiments don"t stimulate a child to want to do better. Th ey pit child against child as rivals. Eventually they will become enemies.
Hurt will be inevitable and, while the wounds may be invisible, this insidious psychic punishment that hurts your children"s self-esteem is just as real and painful as the corporal punishment that leaves welts on flesh. Drop these lines and drop the idea of comparing kids to one another.
Favoritism Solution #3: Learn to Handle Sibling Conflict in New Ways The next area of improvement we can work on to avoid hurting our children is to handle sibling conflict in new and improved ways. Every family with siblings has to deal with some fighting, so I"ve given this advice many times. I know firsthand that your initial reaction will be to balk. I have come to expect that. I also know that once I get all the information out there for you, and you experiment with the strategies, 156 you"ll change your thinking: you"ll be met with success. I think you"ll agree with the other parents that this is one of the most important things a parent with more than one child can learn. Yes, folks-it slices, it dices, it juliennes: Am I overselling this? We"ll see . . .
Understanding children"s roles within the family Let"s look closer at the underlying dynamics between siblings. Beside the birth order positions of eldest, middle and baby, each child also plays a role in the family. Here are some examples to give the fl avor of what I mean: Let"s look closer at the underlying dynamics between siblings. Beside the birth order positions of eldest, middle and baby, each child also plays a role in the family. Here are some examples to give the fl avor of what I mean: The good one The bad one Momma"s boy The easygoing one The sensitive one The black sheep Th e rebel The special one The sick one Children choose their own roles for themselves, and then parents treat them in ways that re-enforce those roles. Kids watch each other very closely, and when they notice a sibling"s weakness, they seize that as an opportunity to develop a niche strength.
They think to themselves, "Hey-here is something I can do that they can"t!" If Mom is urging her eldest to talk to Gramma on the phone, but he refuses or is awkward, a younger sibling might see his brother"s socially conservative nature and think, "I don"t mind talking and being outgoing and social. Here is a way to surpa.s.s my sibling. I"ll be the chatty one!"157.
As soon as a child shines in that niche, the other sibling drops out to ensure there is no more competing or comparison, allowing the other to excel in it. "He is your Mr. Chatty; I am the quiet one."
It"s a nice little system that allows everyone to have a unique place in the family. It"s actually quite co-operative.
Our eldest child does have an advantage because he or she gets to pick roles first. Eldests have free rein. However, because children are born innately wanting to co-operate, fit in and please their parents, firstborn children usually do start off life as the "good child."
Part of the reason for the firstborn good-child phenomenon can be explained by the fact that eldest children start life as "only" children.
They had Mom and Dad"s full attention and doting until that other bundle with booties came through the door and made havoc.
During those early years in the spotlight, the omni-presence of parents looking over their shoulder and cheering every accomplishment can result in the child developing perfectionist tendencies.
After all, that feedback loop is very tight! As soon as they stack two blocks, someone immediately applauds the accomplishment. Our children want to get things right, of course. They are learning how to be a human and want to succeed. They want to color in the lines and make their picture of a flower really look like a fl ower.
And what better way to make sure you are getting things right than to have rules? Our firstborns love rules, and get a great sense of comfort in knowing that the puzzles go on this shelf, my coat goes on this hook, Daddy sits in that chair, and bedtime is at 7 p.m.
(so let"s get our jammies on). No wonder they are so responsible!
They take this rule stuff all so seriously. So seriously in fact, that they can develop anxiety disorders.
The eldest tends to listen to our instructions and then do things "just so." For them, the more rules and structure, the better. Rules provide more opportunities to show you are living up 158 to expectations and doing it right. They are every nursery school teacher"s dream.
Ahh-those were the years, hey Mom? Remember that happy-go-lucky toddler gleefully doing everything you asked him to? What happened to him?
With the birth of a second child, we de-throne our good child. The arrival of a sibling means that things can go one of two ways now: 1. Either your firstborn child will hold onto her good position, in which case the new baby has to find a unique place in the family. The second child will differentiate by being whatever number one child isn"t.
That means if the eldest is the best at being good, the second child dare not try to compete in this area. I mean, look at how good she is! She asks to go to bed for Pete"s sakes.
So any attempt at being good is going to pale in comparison.
The second child doesn"t want to be the next-best at being good. He"d far rather find his own best-the best at being "bad." Do I speak the truth or what? If that is not your family"s situation, then maybe option two is being played at your house.
2. The other scenario that can unfold is that our good child eldest who seems a tad perfectionist, rigid and rule-bound, winds up getting discouraged when she is faced with anything less than perfection. h.e.l.l hath no fury like a discouraged firstborn. It hurts to want to be perfect and to fail. Eldest children hate being corrected, they hate not being the first and best anymore. They may develop the mistaken belief, "If I can"t be first and best, I must be worthless."159.
If that is the case, this once good child will start to misbehave, and, sadly, probably get punished for it. Her younger sibling, the second child, watches his older sibling acting badly and getting punished, so he learns to do all the things Mom can"t seem to get his sister to do.
She won"t brush her teeth. "Oh, I will, Mommy!" pipes up the second child. She refuses to say please and thank you, so the "good child" takes the opportunity to shine by developing impeccable manners. If the eldest sees that her younger sibling is better at being good, she"ll let him take the role and become the "good at being bad" kid.
Maybe this should be called the Bart Simpson Complex.
Of course Bart takes the "bad boy" role (although we know he is a softie) when he"s up against Lisa, that vegetarian, poet, sax-playing philosopher of a younger sister. Who could come anywhere close to her?
If a third child comes along (congrats, that means you found at least 10 minutes when there weren"t two kids in bed with you!), he or she will take up a role, but not good or bad if those are taken. Th e third child may decide to be the funny clown or the easygoing child.
Most famous comedians are the third child / baby in their families.
Looks like a good niche to take. Mom can"t get the older two to stop fighting, so to impress her and be unique, the third child can get a one-up with Mom by being funny and easy. "No fights here, Mom!"
UNLOCKING CHILDREN FROM THEIR ROLES.
Roles are not a bad thing, until people want to change and they feel they can"t. How will our "bad" child ever come around if the role is glued on? We can help.
Remember Lewis our toilet clogger? He is known as the "behavior case" in his cla.s.s. The teacher"s beliefs about Lewis cause her to watch 160 him more closely for incidents of misbehavior. She watches to confi rm her beliefs about him. Of course, since she watches more closely, guess what? She finds her evidence. It"s self-perpetuating.
Lewis gets caught for the smallest of infractions. In fact, it"s not uncommon for three or four boys to all be horsing around together, but the teacher singles out only Lewis, since he is the one she watches and worries about.
As if that isn"t bad enough, she punishes him harder than the other children, thinking she"ll crack that nut yet-as if he is a wild horse that needs to be tamed! Lewis sees the injustice of this and it hurts. He doesn"t know how to shake his reputation.
Seeing is believing-but believing is also seeing.
The same can be said for other roles. The parent who believes he has a meek and sensitive child watches more closely for evidence that he can"t handle a situation. At the slightest appearance of being upset, Mom steps in and rescues the child, reinforcing his incapable role.
Here is the good news. Children are actually very quick to change.
Now the bad news: we parents are not. It turns out that it"s far more challenging to change a parent"s att.i.tudes and expectations about their children than it is to change the children themselves.
So here is the challenge. Can you start right now, today, this moment, to shake your preconceptions about your children and clear the baggage clouding how you think about your revenging child?
Many parents don"t realize just how differently they have been responding to their "bad" child. They would if they could Chapter Six 161.
see themselves on video. It"s overtly noticeable. I was recently on a plane, seated behind a mother and her two young boys. Whenever she talked to her younger child she corrected, scolded and generally had a terse and dismissive tone. I could see no reason for this differential treatment: both boys squirmed, but only one was told to sit still. Both were curious about the b.u.t.tons and seat tables, but only one was told not to touch. Both wanted to run down the aisle when the plane landed, but only one was scolded and told that he had to wait, while the other was just tugged back to his seat.
I am sure this was due to a history of one boy being harder to handle. Yet, objectively, he was behaving no worse than his brother.
Mom was indeed "picking on him" unfairly. Clearly, this mom felt justified in her tougher treatment of him. The pattern was set.
We actually prevent change when we a.s.sume the worst and maintain our patterned reactions. When we think to ourselves, "Here we go again; I am going to have to take my monster child on a plane now. I had better prepare for his antics," we fortify the problem because we will act differently in antic.i.p.ation of problems.
So how do we pull away from our old patterns?
Drop the Past and Don"t a.s.sume If you enter into interactions with preconceived notions, no doubt you will unwittingly influence the situation so that you get exactly what you expected. If you think you"ll have a bad day, I bet you will! If you think you"re little tot is going to spaz, you"ll no doubt inadvertently behave in ways that likely partic.i.p.ate in the factors that bring that very spaz on.
Instead, we have to remember to treat every day and every moment as if it was a clean slate. Bygones-let them go. Th ose other spazzes were in the past. We"re creating this new moment and it can go any way we want.
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"Everything can be different."
-Alfred Adler We only have THIS moment to influence change. Only now can we make an impact, in this very moment. Let"s use that wisdom to its best potential.
Influence Positive Change by Holding Positive Expectations in the Moment Since we have only this moment, we can use it to invite positive change in our revenging child by exuding warmth and caring, love and acceptance. They probably have not felt that from you in a while.
I am guessing you"re both wearing a lot of armor to protect yourselves from each other these days. Why not take some off ?
We can take this moment to show we trust our children and that we expect the best from them. If they want to stand in the aisle of the plane, instead of prohibiting them because they might run, let them try. Leave the option for change open.
If we never let Lewis take the cla.s.s attendance to the offi ce for fear of letting him out of our sight, today is the day to give him a chance.
Let"s show him we expect him to do an impressive job of it. If he fails, ask him again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow until he sees that we won"t be fooled by his role! We are wiser. We see his goodness.
Can you change your att.i.tude about your revenging child?
Accentuate the Positive to Help Your Children Re-invent Themselves We can help Lewis find his other qualities. Let"s notice the times when Lewis is calmly standing in line and appreciate it. When he is doing his desk work, when he offers a friend a turn on the computer and the hundreds of other moments in the day that fall between Chapter Six 163.
his misbehaviors. Lewis does have a gentle nature in him, too. It is very powerful for our children when we seek out and notice these behaviors.
Wyatt is not always a slob. He is downright meticulous when it comes to his rock collection. Mom might notice that and tell Wyatt how conscientious he is with these special things. In fact, Wyatt has all kinds of strengths and qualities if Mom plays the talent scout and actively looks for them. Parents can emphasize the positive and show their children what wonderful things they bring to the family.
When we are committed to unlocking children from their roles, we help free our children to act in diff erent ways, and avoid the stinging pain of favoritism.
SIBLING FIGHTING-TO HELP OR HINDER?
There is a difference between sibling fighting and sibling rivalry. Any two people, siblings included, have to work out their diff erences or learn to live with them. How parents respond to their kids" fi ghts in part determines whether the children will resolve conflict and grow close in friendship, or become rivals.
Typically, when we see our children fighting we step in with the intention of making things better. We "break up the fi ght"
and punish the wrong-doers. It sounds so reasonable; it"s hard to believe it"s misguided. However, involvement in our children"s fights creates hurt and the desire for revenge: it"s a painful source of discouragement for the revengeful child that I often come across in my practice.
Let me explain what"s happening with our warring siblings by using a "Wild West" a.n.a.logy: Imagine for a moment that two cowboys plan to rob a bank together and share the money. The job goes sour and one of them gets caught and sent to the slammer.
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The twist is this: the jailed criminal discovers that he wasn"t just randomly pulled over by the sheriff for trotting his horse too quickly down Main Street-turns out, his partner actually turned him in. He goes to jail and his partner gets a Good Samaritan, award from the mayor!
Of course, the whole town gets in on it: when the convict is released from jail and enters the saloon, he gets a chilly reception, even from his favorite bartender. The Good Samaritan, however, enjoys free whiskey all over town. In fact, it seems now he can do no wrong.
One day (at high noon?) our discouraged convict meets the so-called Good Samaritan on the street. What happens? The convict is furious and wants revenge-he tosses off his coat and starts throwing punches. The Good Samaritan could fight back (and could even win if he wanted to), but since they are in public and there is a crowd watching, he decides it"s far better for his saintly image to take the blows and cower pa.s.sively in the attack. This makes the convict look worse, while reinforcing the Good Samaritan"s innocent reputation around town. The criminal is thrown back in the slammer-this time with a longer sentence.
Welcome to the life of the "bad" child and the "good" child in your family. Hey-and you"ve just been deputized!
Let"s see how this plays out at home, now that you know to watch for two complicit partners, where a sheriff jails one and canonizes the other.
Martin and Christa are outside playing. Every time Martin gets on his tricycle, Christa steps on the back and tries to push him faster and catch a ride. Martin wants to ride alone. His sister refuses to get off. Martin gets frustrated with her and he begins to push and get physical. She holds Chapter Six 165.
on. Martin finally uses his full might to tip the trike over, pitching her off onto the concrete. Mom sees this through the window and comes running out. "Martin! I saw that!
What do you think you are doing? She could have hit her head on the pavement. She is just a baby; you should know better than that. You go to your room right now. I don"t want you to come out until you are ready to say you are sorry to Christa. Come on Christa, we"ll get some ice on that b.u.mp and you can help me bake some cookies."
Wow! Not as exciting as desperados robbing a bank together, but far closer to your reality and ultimately the same system is in play.
The theoretical points you need to know are: 1. Fighting is co-created and co-operative behavior (similar to the idea that it takes two to sustain a power struggle).