2. Our children can choose to fight or to co-operate. It is their choice.
3. Fighting (like all behaviors) serves a purpose. It is useful or effective in some way.
4. Our children get along when we are not around. Th ey have all the skills and talents required for co-operation.
5. Our presence and reactions to their conflict is the payoff they seek.
6. Our response is to act as sheriff. We pick sides, show favoritism and reinforce the good and bad roles.
7. Even the "bad" child is content to reconfirm his belief that he is bad and treated unfairly.
Christa needs her brothers to mistreat her for her to look good and win favor with Mom. The worse he looks, the better she looks. She 166 has no interest in finding a good solution to the trike problem. She is not looking for a ride; she is looking for a fight to prove her mother"s favoritism. She knows what it takes. She relies on past patterns to repeat again, and for everyone to play their same roles.
Without Mom, Christa would make diff erent decisions. She might see her brother getting really upset and get off his bike. She might work harder to find a solution for how to win his interest in giving her a ride. Christa is not without alternatives or skills. She actively chooses ways that sustain the confl ict.
One reason I know this to be true is that they don"t fi ght when Mom is not around. They get along famously and solve issues of taking turns and sharing with great skill when they are alone. Th ey only decide to create a fight when the sheriff is in town.
But, what about Martin? Why does he tip her off his bike if he knows the sheriff is watching? First, he is already cast as "bad,"
and so he is more apt to want to revenge for past transgressions.
Since he harbors the belief that every time there is a problem he is wrongly accused, he actually creates situations to confi rm his hypothesis. When he is punished and she gets off , his internal belief is again confi rmed: "See, I am right! I am hated and she is the loved one."
There are two goals that can be achieved when siblings fi ght: attention and favoritism.
Fighting for Attention Th e first goal of fighting is getting undue parental attention. You"ve read the attention chapter already. You know on reflection that it makes sense; well-behaved siblings do get ignored, while fi ghting siblings hijack Dad"s or Mom"s time and attention every time. We can"t stand it. We can"t ignore it. Works like a charm!167.
Tory and Brandon fight whenever they are in the car together. Even confined to seat belts they kick each other and throw things across the car. Dad constantly reminds them to settle down and not fight. But it"s the same every time they are in the car together.
Since this is annoying, non-escalating fighting, Dad can simply ignore it or allow a logical consequence to unfold.
"The car is not safe when you two are fighting, I"ll need to pull the car over if the fighting continues." The fight continues, so Dad pulls off the road. He steps out of the car and says, "Let me know when you"re ready to go again,"
and then he reads a book (neither looking nor listening to their fighting in the car) until the fighting stops. The kids bang on the windows: "We stopped fighting; you can drive again."
The next time a fight starts up, Dad doesn"t need to state the consequence. The children know, so he simply pulls off the road, gets out of the car and reads. Aft er five or six times, the children will no longer fight in the car. I swear this is the truth, but you have to experience it for yourself. Be consistent and do this EVERY time they fight. Periodic consequences won"t work.
I recommend all parents start with this car-fi ghting strategy just to prove to themselves that their children can, in fact, turn their fighting on and off at will. It is a choice they make! When fi ghting no longer draws attention, the fighting stops. If you can master the car fighting, you are ready to move on to the other tactics I"ll describe next.
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Fighting for Mom or Dad"s Favor The second goal of sibling fighting is to confirm that Mom and Dad do indeed have a favorite. Curious system, isn"t it?
In the trike family, it"s Martin who will be doing the time, while Christa is the Good Samaritan. Later that night while Mom is watching TV, she sees Martin bop Christa over the head with his Faber light sword. Mom thinks, "See how much of a monster I am raising? That was totally unprovoked! Poor Christa was just sitting there minding her own business when he randomly attacked her.
She was an innocent victim. He is such a bad boy!"
Martin is painted as the bad boy villain in his family and Christa is seen as the Goody Two-shoes who needs protection and defending. This makes Martin resentful. Since he always gets in trouble, he might as well hit his enemy when he gets a chance. He"ll be blamed anyway, and at this point in his young life, Martin has already come to see Christa as the reason his life has become h.e.l.lish. Mom and Dad prefer her. It"s clear. He tests this, and it"s always verifi ed. Children like to confirm their beliefs, even those that are negative.
The lesson here is to realize that the "good child" and the "bad child" in your family work in concert to contrast their saint and sinner roles. But they are only roles. Each child has his or her own kind of weaponry and, while they may look diff erent, they are all of matching caliber. Some use their tears to get adult a.s.sistance and some use their brain to set traps and manipulate, while others use raw power. Regardless of their tactics, kids can still decide to fi ght or co-operate, so no one is at a disadvantage to another. Don"t be fooled into thinking someone is defenseless or incapable. Th e car experiment will help to prove this with your own children.
Christa could decide to stop pushing Martin"s trike and to stop being a pest to her brother. She could try using her charm to get a ride. She also knows his threshold and is capable of knowing when Chapter Six 169.
to stop. Martin can also decide to amuse his little sister by letting her push for a bit before going back to doing his own thing. He could also negotiate some time to play with her later. Or . . . he can tip the bike. They both have choices to make. They also both have a good idea of the outcomes of their choices. They know each other, and they know if Mom and Dad are watching.
"The children who need encouragement the most get it the least."
-Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs FIVE WAYS TO RESPOND TO SIBLING CONFLICT.
AND PREVENT HURT.
Since sibling rivalry is such a huge element in the deep discouragement that can cause a child to reach for the mistaken goal of revenge, we have to learn how to handle conflict between our kids. We have to deal with sibling relations in a fundamentally different way from how most families are going about it. No more stepping in and policing their fights, arresting one and giving a Good Samaritan badge to the other. Both parties are complicit in the problems they create together, so our responses cannot single one child out. Here is how: 1. Ignore the Fighting As I mentioned, most fighting is really about attention-seeking, which we talked about in Chapter 4. That means our first new strategy is to ignore the fighting. Let them work it out on their own and don"t get involved at all. Your children will resolve things the same way they do at school or on the playground. Currently they have the 170 idea that if they play nicely you"ll leave them be, but if they fi ght, you"ll come to police them. We can change that dynamic by letting our children know we would love to stay and play so long as people are getting along, but as soon as Martin pulls out his light saber and bonks his sister, Mom can say, "I am not interested in watching that,"
and leave. She can let them know she is happy to come back when they can get along.
Hmmm. That"s a different reaction, isn"t it? Martin didn"t get in trouble. Christa"s halo is not shining so brightly. Martin is not getting arrested. Change is in the air!
Christa is not likely to jump on Martin"s trike and bother him anymore. He"ll just push her, and that"s not worth it if he doesn"t get in trouble. Christa decides it"s best to ask for a turn. Without Mom"s interference, her old ways don"t work.
Martin doesn"t need to wallop his sister at random moments because she is no longer the golden child who gets him in trouble.
She doesn"t hang off his bike anymore, and they get along much better. Sometimes, he even wants to share his bike with her now that the animosity is gone.
2. Put Them in the Same Boat The name of this technique says it all: put them in the same boat.
Imagine it: two children in a canoe, one in the bow and the other in the stern. Both have paddles and both have different ideas of which direction they want to go.
If the two don"t get along, they will go in circles. Each eff ort one makes to move forward is cancelled by the other. If they are in opposition, they each have the ability to stymie the other. For any progress to be made, each will eventually realize that they must elicit the co-operation of the other. If your boat mate is mad, he won"t want to co-operate. It becomes apparent that you really Chapter Six 171.
do need him. By putting kids in the same boat, we stop the hurt that comes from taking sides, and we help our children learn to co-operate and love one another.
The way to accomplish this in our homes is to create in real life the metaphorical canoe experience. We put our children in the same boat by treating them as a team.
Let"s say one of your kids wants to watch Hannah Montana and the other wants to watch Th e O.C., they are fighting in the family room, kicking each other to get the converter. How do you put them in the same boat? You can turn the TV off , take the remote away and let them know that when they decide on what they are watching you"ll give it back. They both lose the TV until they can agree.
If the children are getting more violent than you can tolerate, try this: "You both need to take some time apart and collect yourselves.
You both can go to your own rooms for fi ve minutes."
Another great line you can try: "This is a non-violent house; please take your fight outside." This shows them that you are NOT going to get involved, that you are aware that it is none of your business and it also respects that you must maintain the social order. Most often kids who receive permission to keep fi ghting stop right away.
If the family room is a mess, all the children need to clean it up, no matter who played with what. Does that sound "unfair"?
Remember, we are not looking for the bean-counting fair; that will lead to compet.i.tion. This is the abundance model where we are a team: we all pitch in, we all need one another and we all get the job done together. If you were camping, everyone would help portage all the gear. You wouldn"t say, "I am not carrying that; it"s his sleeping bag." This not only ensures no favoritism, it builds bonds for the hurting child. Now her siblings are helping her! She feels connected through the joint effort of the task.
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If Christa is mad at Martin for not letting her have a turn on his trike, she can refuse to clean up the family room with him.
Mom doesn"t get involved in the fight. She simple restates that they have a job to do together. If Martin comes to Mom complaining, "But she won"t help-she"s just sitting there," Mom can answer, "I am sorry you are having problems with your sister. I am sure you can work it out with her." Mom is empathetic but she refuses to triangulate and take sides. She shows faith that they can get along if they want. The problem is Martin"s to solve, not Mom"s.
Mom doesn"t need to discipline Christa for not helping. It"s none of Mom"s business.
Martin is in an important pickle that we want all our children to experience. It"s the problem of social living-the kind of living we are trying to promote. Martin must try to win his sister"s co-operation if he wants help cleaning. He will learn that happy sisters help more, and that it"s in his own best interest to be a better brother to her.
So while Christa is indeed the smaller and weaker, she is not disadvantaged in their conflicts. If we put our children in the same boat, we ensure they are equally equipped. No one is favored and no one gets hurt. Relationships improve between siblings and between Mom and Dad. The hurting stops and the acts of revenge cease.
3. Put It on the Agenda If your children do come up against a conflict that they can"t seem to solve on their own, parents can help out, but not by getting sucked into the fight at hand. We know now not to triangulate.
Instead, if a problem is ongoing and the children can"t fi nd a solution together, parents can offer to talk about it when people are not fired up and upset. We usually tell our children that if they can"t solve it on their own, they can put it on the agenda for the family meeting and we"ll work together to find a solution. This shows that Chapter Six 173.
we have faith that they can manage their problems, but also that we are here to support them if they feel they need it. (We"ll discuss family meetings in Chapter 8.) 4. The Two-Arm Technique Let me state for the record: a lack of skills or abilities is not the big culprit in sibling conflict. Usually, it"s the sibling dynamic we just discussed. That said, there are a few skills I do recommend parents teach their children. Th e first is teaching our children to speak up.
We teach this by using something called the "two-arm technique."
Carla s.n.a.t.c.hes her sister"s doll out of her hands and says "MINE." Her sister Dina begins to wail and look for Mommy.
Well, of course she does. Aft er all, she has learned from experience that Mom usually solves her problems for her.
All Dina needs to do is sound the "tear alarm" and Mom comes investigating. Nearly every time Mom will fi nd that the problem is Carla, and then she feels beholden to "deal"
with her on Dina"s behalf. It"s got favoritism written all over it.
Dina is growing up and she needs to learn to take matters into her own hands instead of relying on Mom. She needs to learn that it"s her job to deal with others, especially her sister. If she continues to find success in using her tears and inabilities in order to muster help from others, to get someone else to fight her battles, she will learn that playing the victim is benefi cial.
Instead, try the "two-arm technique" that I learned from Althea Poulos at Kinderschool Adlerian Nursery School. The idea is to teach children the language of dealing directly with each other when they have a confl ict.
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It goes like this: When she hears Dina crying, Mom should NOT pick up Dina and console her as she usually does. That looks like she has already sided with Dina. Instead, she can get on her knees between the girls so she is eye-level with them.
Gently holding one child in each arm, so they are facing each other (Mom clearly centred and not siding with one or the other), Mom can say, "Dina, do you need to speak up? Do you need to say something to your sister?
She is a very good listener." (Mom has not only empowered Dina to speak, but she has also let Carla know she is not in the bad books and so she has no reason to be defensive.) Dina doesn"t know what Mom means. She sniffles, stares blankly and doesn"t say anything. This is the fi rst time Mom has asked this question. Usually Mom just gets the doll back for her and scolds Carla. What"s going on?
Mom: "You need to speak up, Dina. You can say "I don"t like that." "
If Dina still doesn"t talk, Mom can say to Carla, "I think your sister is saying that she doesn"t like it when you take her doll." Stated this way, Mom is just delivering a message from Dina. Compare that to: "Oh Carla, give your sister her doll back, please. You know that is her favorite thing-what is wrong with you?"
We are not policing or triangulating when we are helping Dina find her words. We act as the conduit so our personal judgment is not involved. We are staying out of it and not taking sides when Chapter Six 175.
we use the two-arm technique. With time, Dina will get better at speaking up, both because she has the skills, and also because the original payoff from Mom is no longer happening.
5. "Bugs" and "Wishes"
With older children you may want to use "bugs" and "wishes,"
which I learned from Dina Emser and Susanna Smytha, who train elementary school teachers. Again, the idea is to teach children to communicate more effectively. We can help children speak up by showing them a sentence structure using two toys as props.
All you need is a stuff ed bug (a ladybug works well) and a fairy wand. When your kids have a confl ict, they first pick up the bug and say: "It bugs me when you ________________." (the child holds out the bug) Then they wave their fairy wand and say: "I wish you would _____________ instead."
Dina could say to Carla: It "bugs" me when you take my doll without asking. I "wish" you would ask for a turn.
How much more informative, respectful and empowering is that statement than crying? Eventually, the children learn to use this language without involving their parents (or teachers).
ACTIVE LISTENING.
I have shared the most common sources of the deep discouragement that lead to a revenge-seeking child within families.
Check them out in your own family-even if today your child is only just dancing to the tune of attention. The revenge dance 176 reveals to all of us how discouragement takes hold in our kids, and what to do to bring them back. Not only that-it can crop up in any family. There are any number of reasons a child may lash out after feeling hurt. I learned this myself the day my daughter attacked our fruit bowl.
I had just picked her up after her junior kindergarten cla.s.s. We hung around the school yard for a bit, I visited with other moms and then we made our way home for lunch. Everything seemed fi ne until we got in the door, and my daughter jumped up on a chair in the dining room and using her thumb, she violently poked a whole in every single banana in the fruit bowl.
I was shocked! Like all of us, I had to quell the knee-jerk reaction to yell "What do you think you are doing, young lady? We don"t go around wrecking things like that! You know better. Go to your room right now!" She was setting me up for the revenge dance; I knew that if I was feeling shocked and appalled then this was an act of revenge, which must mean she was feeling I had hurt her somehow. Let"s walk through how to avoid this dance through active listening.
First, I checked for the source, instead of getting angry and punishing her: "Lucy, have I done something to hurt you? Something that made you so mad at me that you wanted to get even by hurting the bananas?"
Do you know what she said? "I didn"t like what you did to me at the school yard!"
I had no idea what she was talking about. "What did I do at the school yard?"
"I didn"t like how you got all those other mommies together to laugh at me."
Well, my jaw nearly hit the floor. She had a totally diff erent perception of what had happened with the moms on the playground.177.
I was telling them about a funny thing Lucy had done at the dinner table. I a.s.sumed she would feel like the funny comedian again if I retold it to my mom friends. Clearly I was wrong. From Lucy"s perspective, at the supper table we were laughing with her, but on the school yard we were laughing at her. Making a silly mistake around family is one thing; having a goof publicly exposed and laughed at was quite another.
I felt terrible for my mistake and I was glad we had a chance to talk about it so I could apologize and explain that it was not my intent. I was able to see the situation from her perspective, and eventually she also saw it from mine. She understood I had not meant to shame her.
Boy, I am glad we talked.
How will we know what our children are feeling unless we ask them? And when we do, we had better be trained to listen to what they have to say.
One of the most important skills I learned during my psycho-therapy training was the art of listening. It"s the keyhole through which we get into the private world of another person. If a person feels truly heard, they feel we understand them. Do you know how wonderful it is to "be gotten" by someone else? When the social masks we wear can be relaxed and we let someone into our authentic selves, it is so powerfully connecting. Now that is intimacy.
If you have a child who is revenging against you, you have to find out what it is that they find hurtful. My daughter Lucy told me about the public humiliation and we were quickly able to deal with the misunderstanding and make up. But not all children are so willing and verbose. Why? Because they don"t feel safe to speak their minds.
In a therapist"s office, a client has to be made to feel that it"s a safe place to reveal themselves without judgment. If we want our 178 children to take off the mask and reveal themselves to us, we need to understand how vulnerable they are making themselves to us, and cherish that they are willing to expose themselves this way. It is an awesome gift for someone to be open.
The better a listener you become, the more likely your children will talk to you. They"ll talk about small little things, but also about important and highly personal issues. As they grow and their issues become more serious, we will be especially grateful for having established a good listening rapport with our children.
The art of good listening is the key tool for parents with revenging children, which is why it is especially emphasized here. But, please don"t wait for a child to be revenging to use it. Start being a better listener right now and use this tool oft en.
Putting the Active in Active Listening There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing occurs when sound waves. .h.i.t various parts of your ear, moving hairs that stimulate nerve endings to fire signals that are sent to the brain.
Unless you are deaf or wearing ear plugs (and don"t laugh, many parents do), you are always hearing. You can"t turn it off .
Active listening, on the other hand, involves your attention and your dedication to processing the information. You must be watching and listening to the other person with the intent of understanding them. Actively listening to our children requires us to decode the child"s full message. It includes all information that is available: body language, word content, tone, speed, volume and any other information that can help you to build the full picture of what is being communicated. Then, and this step is crucial, we need to check with our child to ensure we understood what they meant. That means we have to repeat back to the child by paraphrasing or summarizing what we believe they have expressed, including information about their emotional state.179.