If they get up from the table and we follow through with the consequence of taking their plate away, we don"t need to make a big display of sc.r.a.ping their meal down the incinerator in a huff . "Well, that was a big waste of food! Don"t come to me if you"re hungry later."
If they throw a toy and we follow through with the consequence of removing the toy, we don"t need to add, "I guess you can kiss your Buzz Light Year goodbye, eh?"
Bite your tongue and don"t indulge yourself in the cathartic "look at what you"ve made happen now" or "I told you so" moment of parental superiority. All those lines are punitive, and while we may think we are driving the point home, we are instead hindering the powerful learning of the logical consequence itself. Now it"s between you and your children, instead of between their choices and the outcome they experience. Get out of the picture! Move to the background, and let your kids learn from what happens.89.Say what you mean, mean what you say and follow through in a friendly manner.
TRAINING FOR INDEPENDENCE.
Never do for children what they can do for themselves. Attention-seeking children often discover the effectiveness of enlisting your service. It makes sense. What parent wouldn"t carry an adorable child pleading "uppy?" or give a quick zip to a zipper she is struggling with? "Moooooooommy, I can"t do it. You do it." If we"ve been carrying them and zipping them into their jackets for years, why not one more time? These acts of "helping" only stimulate more moaning and pleading. Our children know that sometimes we"ll carry them up the stairs, so why not try again? To eliminate this attention-seeking behavior, we need to put effort into teaching our children the skills needed for autonomy (how to put on shoes, cut their pancakes, zip a zipper and so on) and once they have learned, we must step back. It should be a moment of celebration. They have learned something new. WOW! At that point you can say, "Now you know how to do that all by yourself.
You don"t need my help with it anymore. Congrats! From now on, that is your job."
That is a very clear boundary or limit being established. To enforce the boundary we need to be consistent in NOT stepping in and doing our children"s jobs for them. If they whine for you to cut their pancakes after they have learned how to do it, you can say, "That"s your job. You"re so capable!" If you"re consistent with NEVER doing this job again, your children will cease trying to enlist your service in this area. However, you must not miss the clue that they 90 are asking for you to be involved with them. So, move the conversation forward, off the undue attention-seeking and onto something else. "Which Teletubby is the purple one? And who exactly is that neurotic-looking fellow who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
LONG-TERM SOLUTIONS.
So, just to recap: your children want to feel connected, and they want to be noticed and involved. That"s a really lovely thing if you think about it. They are working at being social. Fantastic! If they didn"t strive for this, I"d be worried about them. Children are supposed to find connection, and their tenaciousness is wonderful-okay, frustrating, but wonderful.
When we face attention-seeking behavior we have to remind ourselves that our children are simply discouraged. Currently, they are not sure they do belong and so we need to help them. Here are three excellent ways for you to encourage your children to meet their crucial C of connectedness.
Be Attentive Did I just write that for real? If ever there was a generation of "over-attentive" parents, it"s us. We have such good intentions, but we make a mess of things when we try to be ever-attentive and fail.
Who can really stop life for 18 years and pay full attention to his or her child? In fact, that"s sick advice. Do we really want to promote the idea that life shuts down and we all gather our chairs in a circle around Charlie who would like to impress us every time he burps or smiles? That is not having a relationship with your child; that"s being an audience.
Strengthening connections to build meaningful relationships does require our time and attention, but not our eyeteeth and sanity too!91.Don"t Fake It In our attempts to attend to our children like all the "good books"
guilt us into doing, we end up faking our attention. Do we really have to watch and applaud every time they go down the big tube slide at McDonald"s playland? Must we feel like an uncaring mother if we just take a five-minute hiatus and read the paper with our coff ee?
Heck, we already agreed to take them out for a "happy" fl apjack meal so Dad could sleep in. Now we just want a few happy moments to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?
No. it"s not. You can quote me. Far worse is to have our children shout "Watch me, Mommy; watch me, Mommy" and then to ap-pease them with a robotic "Yeah, yeah, Mommy"s watching" while we b.l.o.o.d.y well aren"t-we"re too busy finishing up the paragraph we"re reading!
Don"t misunderstand. I think you do deserve time to read the paper. I am suggesting you claim that time. The usual pattern is to feel guilty and to blow your kids off with half-hearted, partially frustrated attention (now THAT feels disrespectful and cold).
We"ve all been on the receiving end of that kind of attention.
You know what it feels like when you"re talking and your partner says, "Go on, I"m listening," but you see him checking work e-mails on his iPhone.
It is a far more efficient route to building good connections when we are fully present and fully in the moment. But that isn"t the end of the story. We also need to learn to set clear boundaries around our time. It is perfectly acceptable, even desirable, to let our kids know when we need to put our attention elsewhere and to claim our rightful time to ourselves: "I want to hear everything you have to say, but I can"t give you the time and attention you deserve right now because 92 I am in the middle of pulling dinner together. Can we fi nd time to talk aft er supper?"
or "I would love to play dress-up with you, but not right now, I am not in a creative mood. Can we make a date to do that later? If I could just have a half-hour to get a few things done, then I would be free and clear to have a game of cards if you feel like it."
You"ll fi nd that your children don"t demand your attention as much if you stop faking or pretending to engage.
Encourage Independent Play Instead of mult.i.tasking and having our heads in the clouds while we are trying to connect with our children, make time to connect with them and then step back and allow s.p.a.ce for them to play independently and entertain themselves.
Don"t fret that this time is being wasted. Don"t bother yourself with eternally finding some "enrichment" activity. Believe me, it"s enriching to teach our children that we are not their entertainment coordinator, and that they must learn to solve the problem of boredom. They will, if given the chance.
Make a part of every day "independent playtime," so children have the expectation and develop the skills to make their own fun.
A great way to do this is simply to have nap time evolve into "quiet time" as they get older and stop sleeping in the aft ernoon. Keep the same schedule, but instead of sleeping, they can play quietly in their room for a half-hour or 45 minutes. The whole house can be quiet and calm, and everybody is expected to do their own quiet Chapter Four 93.thing. Your batteries will be recharged and you too will be ready to be social and engage again.
Catch "em Being Good Our attention-seeking children have learned that they get more mileage out of us when they kerfuffle than when they "behave." We can switch that up by working harder to pay attention when they are indeed acting in ways we would like to see more of. Try saying some of these lines that you have probably thought, but maybe not shared with your child: * "I enjoyed cooking dinner and overhearing you and your brother work so co-operatively on that puzzle."
* "What a joy it is to spend time with you at the table. I really like your company."
* "Thanks for letting me talk to the sales clerk about the dry-wall project I am working on. I appreciate your patience."
* "You are a great helper to me when we grocery shop; thanks for looking after the apple job for our family. You were very careful about choosing ones that were not bruised."
* "How nice to be able to watch you do up your own coat and look after yourself like that. You are learning so many new things!"
Make Deposits into the Emotional Bank Account So, are you primed to start making essential deposits into the emotional bank account of your child? Children, like adults, need evidence of love. How do you feel close to your friends? Children? Spouse?
Siblings? Co-workers? Have you thought about what that looks and feels like for you?
94.Therapists are taught to have "unconditional positive regard"
for their clients. In attachment theory, they talk about achieving "emotional attunement" with your child, and, in Adlerian terms, we talk about being "encouraging." The key message here is to be in an active, caring, respectful relationship with someone who gets you, accepts you and revels in the marvel that is you.
In connected relationships, we feel supported and safe to be our authentic selves. We feel cared for, and we know that others genuinely wish for our happiness. How do we strengthen this bond with our kids? Here are some ideas to help get you going, but feel free to expand on the list: * Spend time together.
* Antic.i.p.ate and respond to your children"s emotional needs.
* Treat them with respect.
* Listen more (a lot more) and talk less (a lot less).
* Let them take the lead in play.
* Be curious about their life: ask questions that show you are interested in them.
* Know the names of their teachers, friends and other important details of their lives.
* Share a hobby or project.
* Have them help plan something for the whole family (an outing, an activity, a games night, a special meal).
* Create family rituals-a pot of tea and beading, Tuesday evening board games, bike rides, an annual camping trip, Sat.u.r.day free-skates at the arena, a hike in the woods to find things to decorate the Thanksgiving table with. . . .
* Show signs of aff ection.
* Write them a love note and leave it on a pillow or in a lunch pail.95.* Take a day off work and pull them out of school to go on an adventure.
* Remember important happenings in their life and follow up: "How was choir practice?"
* Be attentive when they greet you.
* Ask them to explain things to you.
* Find out what their interests are.
* Read a book out loud to one another.
* Let them tell you about problems without interrupting to "fi x them."
* Invite them to talk about their feelings, good and bad.
* Create common experiences.
* Invite them into the conversation.
* Ask their opinions.
* Sing together.
* Don"t allow the phone to interrupt your conversations.
* Tell them about the day they were born, or what they were like as babies.
* Laugh together and share an inside joke.
* Pay attention to the little moments. These are more important than trying to build a relationship during the three weeks of holiday you get from work. Phone calls, text messages, love notes, checking in, a rendezvous for lunch if you always work late . . .
* Share a ch.o.r.e-shoveling the drive, raking leaves, cleaning the garage, washing the car, washing dishes. Use this time to lighten up, chat and be silly.
* Make up nicknames for one another.
Connection with our children is an ongoing process. If we make the investment, we will reap the benefits. When we are connected with our children, we want each other"s happiness and will go out 96 of our way to help those we are in good relations with. Our children will co-operate willingly!
If we can pay twice as much attention to constructive behaviors we"d like to see more of, our children will experience the crucial C of being connected to their families, and they"ll alter their belief that they must be in the limelight to prove their importance. With all those deposits into their emotional bank account, they"ll come to believe they are loved and important-always.
Now that we understand the dynamics of the attention dance, let"s move on to tackle the dance of power.
CHAPTER FIVE.
PARENTING YOUR LITTLE HITLER.
If you"ve been resorting to a "wack-a-mole" style of parenting, in an attempt to subdue your budding tyrant from annexing the family, then this chapter on power struggles has the solutions you"ve been looking for.
By now you"ve probably noticed that as parents we can"t actually MAKE our children do anything. When we try, we"re met with two responses: Our "little pleasers" obey us, inspired only by their desire to outdo their siblings and "look good" (more on siblings in the next chapter), while the "tyrants" resist or rebel. But don"t fool yourself; neither response is co-operative.
Instead of falling back on methods of domination to force obedience, we have to set our sights on winning co-operation and infl uencing the child. We need to shift the locus of power from external, parental control to intrinsic motivation, the lovely authentic kind that comes from within children themselves. Since we can"t "make them," we have to "make them wanna" instead.
98.We can stimulate our children"s willingness to be co-operative by creating the right conditions: * Creating mutually respectful relationships, first between the parents themselves (I heard that snicker), and then extended to the kids.
* Empowering our children. Helping them find their crucial C of feeling capable by moving them progressively from dependence toward autonomy, re-calibrating our expectations almost constantly to keep up with their ever-expanding abilities.
* Connecting our family unit and making it strong so that the child feels a part of the "team" and is motivated to want to help the team as a whole, rather than adopting an "every person for themselves" mindset.
It takes time for these conditions to be achieved systemically in the family. One evening of withholding your usual yelling does not suddenly make the relationship respectful. But if you implement what you"re learning in this book, I promise that with repet.i.tion and steadfast commitment on your part-it will come! Don"t give up too early. The end result is so wondrous and beneficial for both you and your child, I know you"ll agree it was worth your time and eff ort.
If that sounds too "pie in the sky" theoretical and you"re thinking, "This lady doesn"t know my Jeremy. We"ve been fighting to get him to clean his room for years, and even with all of that work, it still rarely, if ever, gets done," then let me offer you this: instead of reading on with a skeptical mindset, let"s fast-forward to give you a glimpse of what we are shooting for. Then, with the end in mind, we"ll go more methodically and pragmatically together through the steps of shift ing power downwards in the family while still maintaining order.99.PIE IN THE SKY.
In a democracy, we need to balance one individual"s rights and freedoms against another person"s rights, as well as upholding the rules that sustain order for all. With freedoms must come responsibility: they go hand in hand and are inseparable.
If we don"t accept the responsibility attached to certain rights, we lose those freedoms. The goal in a democracy is not to control people, but to attain liberty and justice for all (not just some).
We create rules of order to help us function harmoniously together, and people have the power to change the rules of order by which they are governed. Okay, maybe Th omas Jeff erson wasn"t the most interesting guy to chat with over a lager, but he was on to something!
So what does democracy look like? Well, for example, democracy in our society dictates that I have the right to play loud music as long as it doesn"t interfere with my neighbors" rights for peace and quiet. After 11 p.m., the law says I need to turn down my music since that is when society, in general, sleeps for the night; the laws have been created by the people to reflect the needs of the majority of citizens. This is a reasonable limitation to personal rights that is set to help the greater good. Some people are shift workers, and it"s inconvenient for them, but they understand and care for their neighbors. They understand the inherent needs of the situation, so they adhere to the law (mostly). The law doesn"t scare them into compliance; the ironclad logic of social living makes sense to them. If they want to change a law, there are well-laid-out steps to follow to present their ideas to the proper level of government for consideration (this foreshadows Chapter 8 on family meetings).
The law acts as a way of enforcing a boundary only if there is a breach. If people blare their music late into the night thinking, 100 "Neighbors be d.a.m.ned," we can see that they don"t feel a sense of community and belonging that would make them care about their neighbors" well-being. Improving neighborly relations will stimulate a willing compliance more successfully than calling in the law enforcement officers, which would only provoke more neighborly unrest.
This example is a larger scale version of what can play out in the microcosm of your family. I am appealing to you to think less militaristically in your parenting and forgo the role of "policing"
when it"s not needed. Instead, take matters into hand through building good relations and winning people over. We seem more willing and able to do this with adults, but because of our old biases against children, we are often less willing to take this approach with them.
But these att.i.tudes can be overcome. Now let"s take a look at how democracy works at home: DEMOCRACY AT HOME.
Jeremy"s bedroom is always in disarray. His mom, Wendy, harps on him to make his bed and to pick up his clothes and use the clothes hamper instead of the floor. Jeremy always says he"ll get around to it, and, of course, never does. Mom ends up picking up so she can at least get her vacuuming done. So far Mom has made no headway in getting Jeremy to take responsibility for cleaning his room. All they do is fight about it.
Let"s look at how the rules of democracy guide our course of action. We could say that in a democracy people have a right (and are happier citizens) when they can "own land." It"s almost primal to want to place a stake in the ground and claim our own territory.101.
Jeremy (nine years old) is now old enough to stake out his personal s.p.a.ce in the house. He should be allowed to put that stake in the ground and to build and maintain his "castle" in whatever order he wants. If he shares a room with a sibling, his own s.p.a.ce may be limited to his half of the room or his bed and a shelf, but, nonetheless, that is his sacred s.p.a.ce.
In this instance Mom has no right to interfere with his quiet enjoyment of his private room, so long as it doesn"t impact on others. If mold starts growing on his gym socks and the spores are floating into other rooms, then Mom has a right to speak up. But, give me a break, rarely does any room become an actual health hazard. Would the city officials condemn it? Mostly we make up bogus stuff like that to manipulate the situation in our favor. Kids have a hair-trigger detector for this, so don"t even go there. You"ll lose their respect.
A parent can"t make her children clean their rooms. That is the children"s responsibility and if you try, they"ll resist. However, you can let them know that it violates your rights and freedoms to have to pick up clothes off the floor to vacuum. So, to ensure your rights are not violated, you can inform your child that you"ll vacuum rooms that are picked up. After all, garbage collectors don"t knock on your door if you forgot to put your bins out; they drive on by, expecting you to do your part if you want this service. Similarly, Jeremy has choice. The right to choose for one"s self is to be free of tyranny. If we want to empower children, they need to be free to make choices (and to be accountable) for themselves.
Jeremy is empowered to decide whether he would like his room vacuumed. If he is so inclined, he has the option to pick up his clothes. If he doesn"t care about a vacuumed rug, if he prefers to leave his clothes on the fl oor and forgo the vacuuming, THAT IS OKAY!.
102.
Can you handle it? Can you stand that your child has diff erent values than you?
Even among adults there is wide variability in tidiness in the home. However, a child with an utter pigsty of a room is usually not expressing a preference so much as making a statement. It"s an act of resistance. The slightest evidence of tidiness begins to feel like submitting to Mom"s will. "If I make my bed she"ll have got her way over me, so I had better not." Mom"s urging for cleanliness is exactly what is preventing it. Oh, the irony!
If Mom wants Jeremy to care for his room, she must fi rst stop fighting with him about it. Only then can she begin the work of stimulating him to co-operate. She can improve the likelihood that he will develop a desire to want to keep a tidy room. If she allows a pride of room ownership to grow, maybe allowing him to decorate his room to make it his own, Jeremy will probably start to keep a tidier s.p.a.ce because he sees it"s his room and it"s nicer that way. Intrinsic motivation! Boys will care for their rooms the way they care for their first car, but you have to appreciate that black paint and strobe lights may be their style.
With our children, nearly any behavior that is an extreme aberration from the way most people function is stirred up by power struggles. Believe it or not, in the absence of discouragement and without interpersonal power plays, most children actually do get on with life the way the rest of us do. It"s the truth. Sure, there are individual differences in how each of us prefers to do things, but mostly we"re social creatures and eager to adapt. Encouraged children will mimic our ways of living fairly closely.
The aim of this chapter is to help you create a more democratic family and to help the resistant child co-operate. Th e more103.