democratic your family becomes and the more the power is moved down from the ruling autocrat and is shared among all family members, the more harmony you"ll experience. Ta da! Th ere is your prescription for the power diagnosis.
We have work to do. In this chapter we will tackle power struggles by: * Learning to get out of existing power struggles with a four-step model I"ll teach you * Discovering the power of choice and problem-solving * Finding ways to prevent power struggles via empowerment And, of course, I"ll point out those common parenting pitfalls that trip us up.
D.R.O.P. THE ROPE MODEL FOR GETTING OUT.
OF POWER STRUGGLES.
Jeremy"s mom won"t see a change in his bedroom"s cleanliness until she figures out how to get out of the power struggle she is having with him. Well, I have very implicit instructions: First-DON"T WIN. Sorry. I know you didn"t want to hear that.
However, it"s important that you stop winning, because while you may get that one piece of broccoli you"re so adamant about down your four-year-old"s gullet, it only serves to sustain power struggles in the family. When we win: * We model domination to our child, and they imitate us.
* We are treating our children with disrespect. We put them in the position of being a constant "loser" in life.
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* We teach "might is right."
* We knock our children down a peg and they have to get back up, usually by retaliation and questing for more power.
Second-DON"T LOSE. Show some respect for yourself too!
Speaking of modeling, we have to demonstrate self-respecting behaviors to our children. How can they respect us if we don"t respect ourselves? We train people how to treat us, and it"s not okay to be abused by another.
This is especially important preparation for the teen years when our parenting role switches to "trusted advisor." As our children get older, they decide whom they will be influenced by. If we want them to continue to look to us, we need their respect if we hope to keep our place on their list of key influencers. When we lose: * We lose our own self-respect.
* Our children lower their opinion of us.
* We prove again that "might is right."
For example, if after denying your kids candy three times, you finally can"t tolerate their whining and say. "Okay, but just one,"
you can bet they"ll adopt that tactic as a regular modus operandi to getting their way, and think you a rather pathetic authority fi gure.
We can"t have that.
The trick is to look for that elusive third option: Truce. You don"t have to play the game to the bitter end. You can decide to stop the game all together by dropping your end of the proverbial rope. If you leave the playing field, the child is left without an opponent. It is possible to make a pact with yourself to refuse to fight with your children. Tell yourself you are going to get all Chapter Five 105.
Ghandi-esque and take a pacifist approach in your eff orts towards peace. If Ghandi could do it with a country, we can do it with a couple of kids.
Instead of a win-lose outcome, we are searching for a win-win or a best-for-both solution. Please realize that this is not the same as compromising or negotiating, which I see with alarming frequency in families these days. Negotiating is not co-operating.
It comes from a compet.i.tive mindset that is concerned with making sure no one comes out ahead of the other. It often leaves both parties agreeing to something neither of them wants, but satisfi ed that at least the other person didn"t get his or her way either. Yuck. Where is the loving feeling in that?
If we shift our mindset and att.i.tude from relying on disciplinary action, which fires us up to be punitive, and instead move into a problem-solving mode with our children, we"ll be in the right frame of mind for success.
Co-created problem-solving is possible (and gratifying!) when you start using the tools I"ll teach you here. But we must start by dropping the rope to end the tug-of-war we"re embroiled in. When parent and child both grip opposite ends of the rope, the tension sustains the fi ghting conditions. All concerned feel they must fl ex their power lest they be dragged to the opponent"s side and deemed a loser. Only when the tug-of-war rope is dropped can both parties be free to move in a new direction.
The D.R.O.P. model (outlined in the box on the next page) shows us how to make this move. When the rope is dropped and the power struggle is over, we can move to joint problem-solving during a time of peace, not fi ghting. That"s when we"ll find the answers to the problems that have been creating confl ict. The sooner we get to this step, the sooner you will fi nd harmony.
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The D.R.O.P. Model D = Determine you are in a power struggle. We always start with diagnosising the child"s mistaken goal.
R = Re-a.s.sess the situation objectively. What"s really going on here? A course of action is determined by what the situation demands happen right now, rather than personal opinions of my way versus your way.
O = Offer an olive branch. In power struggles, parents act in ways that are perceived as threatening and that invite defensiveness.
Instead, show through your words, actions and body language that you come in peace.
P = Plow on positively. Get yourself unstuck by concentrating on you. Clarify your responsibilities and get busy managing yourself (not your children). Clarify what your children"s responsibilities are and allow them to learn to manage their own business. Let them learn by allowing them to exercise their own choices, while holding them accountable for the choices they do make.
Let"s look more closely at each piece of the D.R.O.P. model so you can get this happening in your home.
D: Determine You Are in a Power Struggle We have already looked at the diagnosing process in Chapter 3. If you"ll recall, the cardinal emotion is anger. It makes sense. Anger is an emotion that fuels us up to prepare for battle. It happens when we perceive a threat; in this case, usually it"s the feeling that we are losing control and that our children are gaining control over us. Oh, you don"t like that sensation? Neither do they! Hence the fi ght.
As we prep for battle, our adrenalin starts to pump, our muscles get taut and we find ourselves physically on high alert. When you feel angry Chapter Five 107.
and find yourself entering fighting mode, say "WHOA NELLIE-this is a power struggle. Let me stop for a moment and re-a.s.sess."
R: Re-a.s.sess the Situation So there you are, caught, rope in hand, wondering what the h.e.l.l is supposed to happen now? Don"t win-don"t lose-HELP!!!
The next step is to take a deep breath and re-a.s.sess the situation. Clearly, by your child"s resistance and the presence of a power struggle, there is a tipping of the power distribution, and that means there has been a breach of respect of some kind.
I have a little checklist in my head I consult: 1. Are the child"s rights and freedoms being respected?
2. Are the parent"s rights and freedoms being respected?
3. Is there a respect for the order of the family?
It"s a tricky game balancing these against each other, but if you are aware of these three pillars of democracy, you"ll get the hang of it. We have lots of examples coming up that should help ill.u.s.trate that balance.
During conflict, however, we are just not very good thinkers.
It"s as if we"re wearing blinders and have a one-track mind. We"re so bent on winning and getting our way. Of course, the same goes for our children. Both parties are feeling defensive and inflexible. It"s a formula for gridlock.
To get out of this gridlock, we must stop the personal power contest and instead look to a higher authority to determine the course of action required in the moment. That "higher authority" used to be the King"s way, but in a democracy we have no King. Instead we have to look for a more global a.s.sessment. I refer to this as the needs of the situation, or the N.O.T.S. of the situation. What does 108 the situation demand must happen right now, rather than going with personal opinions of "my way" versus "your way?"
Here are some examples: * We need to brush our teeth because the plaque will cause cavities. Not because "I say so."
* We need to stay in our seats in the restaurant so that the waitresses are free to move about the aisles without worrying about b.u.mping into people.
* We need to leave muddy boots at the door so the fl oors stay clean.
These are situational demands. They speak to "common sense"
rather than idiosyncratic preferences or the "private logic" of any one individual. Here is another example: Young children need to go to bed at (say) 7 p.m. because they need that much sleep to grow, be healthy and cheerful the next day.
What dictates bedtime? You, or the needs of the situation? Many toddlers have erratic schedules and are sometimes still up at 10 and 11 p.m. Often this is because they are the children of a single parent who enjoys the time together in the evening. However, the true needs of the situation dictate that the child should be in bed.
So, when we ask our children to go to bed because "it"s time"
(dictated by the needs of the situation, which are consistent) and not because on this particular night "I say so" we can sidestep power struggles. As your children get older, and their need for more self-determination grows, you will need to be responsive to that shift . We can allow our middle-school children to take on the responsibility of deciding on bedtime, so long as they also accept the concurrent responsibility of getting enough sleep to be healthy, energetic and pleasant the next day. If they can"t manage that task responsibly (with some practice), they lose the freedom to decide for themselves. We Chapter Five 109.
can then together come up with a bedtime that"s suitable and let them try again at setting their own bedtime in a few months.
a.n.a.lyzing the needs of the situation helps us to be objective.
Often our preferred way will be the same course of action that the situation demands. But not always! Does this parenting hiccup ever happen to you?
Virginia"s daughter refuses to eat her salad at dinnertime. Th ey fight every night. Mom agrees it"s a power struggle but is fi xated on the fact that she is the parent and it"s her responsibility to make sure her daughter is healthy and eating well. She asks me, "How can I make her eat her salad? Sometimes she sits at the table for up to an hour before she"ll take a bite."
If we stop and re-a.s.sess the situation, it becomes clear that the problem lies in Mom forcing her own solution to the dilemma of eating well. Mom thinks eating a salad at every evening meal is the best way, the right way, the only way to healthy eating. Is that true?
Instead, Mom could put the problem out there to be solved together: "We need to be healthy and that means eating nutritiously according to the food guide; how can we get there?" Now there is a huge amount of choice. If Mom removes her blinders and identifies the problem she is trying to solve, she and her daughter can work together towards the goal of healthy eating in a myriad of ways and over the course of many meals that week, not by Mom a.n.a.lyzing her daughter"s every bite. If the daughter has some choices and input, she will be more likely to live within the order she helped establish. Bingo! Co-operation!
Let"s look at another situation and apply the idea of re-a.s.sessing the N.O.T.S.
Callum (28 months) refuses to get his diaper changed. Mom hardly has the strength to tackle him, let alone the dexter-ity to hold him down and try to get a p.o.o.py diaper off his 110 corks.c.r.e.w.i.n.g body and flaying legs. It"s a fecal disaster. "How can I get him to stay still and let me change him, Alyson?"
It"s a power struggle alrighty, and Mom is worried that Callum will get a rash if she doesn"t change his diaper. Her solution to the problem of an impending diaper rash is to get that diaper off ASAP.
However, the current situation is simply that he is in a dirty diaper; there is no immediate health concern or crisis. Mom"s insistence invites his resistance, so the best bet to getting the diaper changed is to not fight over it. However, we can"t be permissive, so we have to look to the pillars of democracy to guide us again: * Respect for self?
* Respect for others?
* Respect for order?
And ask ourselves: What do the needs of the situation dictate?
Callum doesn"t want his diaper changed, and in a democracy, he has the right to be in a smelly diaper (since we"ve ruled out health issues), but respect for order dictates that if his pants are seeping or wet, he needs to stay on a tile floor and be off any hard-to-clean fabrics or carpets. Mom also has a right not to smell his bowel movements, and she can disclose this to him respectfully. Now, he is free to decide for himself how he would like things to go. "I see you don"t want your diaper changed; that"s your choice. However, soiled diapers need to stay out of the living room, since we don"t want p.o.o.p on the carpets and sofa. That"s not okay. Come get me when you"d like it changed and I"ll help you. I"ll be over here since I find the smell unpleasant and hard to be around."
Children don"t "love" being in their p.o.o.p. Sure, they may not mind it as much as an adult, but children don"t have some burning Chapter Five 111.
preference for a dirty diaper over a clean one. That is an example of the extremist behavior that is set up by being embroiled in a power struggle. Callum is fighting over being told what to do. He feels getting his diaper changed is submitting to his mother"s will. He refuses to be controlled in this way.
Is it too much responsibility for a two-year-old to decide when he wants to get changed? How do you know when he can manage something like that? Two years old sounds really young!
It"s the parents" job to manage diapers until the child starts resisting and fighting with you over it. This is the great thing about trying to figure out what is developmentally appropriate in these situations. If there is a power struggle, it confirms that the child is ready for more power and control in this area of his or her life. If your children are fighting to get power, they are ready.
Hand it over!
In Callum"s case, I predict that he will test Mom and stay in a dirty diaper for a time. When Callum sees that Mom is no longer engaging in a power play with him, and when he believes she is not trying to manipulate or control him, then he will come to see the merit of having a clean diaper. He will want to play with Mom and sit on her lap and go on the couch, and if it requires a clean b.u.m, he"ll ask to be changed (intrinsic motivation). Since Callum came up with the diaper change idea, he is more likely to be co-operative about it. The act of a diaper change is no longer perceived as losing or submitting to Mom.
Do you see how this is all coming together? Okay, let"s move on to the next piece of the solution.
O: Offer the Olive Branch The universal signal of peace is the offering of the olive branch. We need to show our children that we are not fi ghting. When parents 112 say, "I am not willing to fight about this," usually means, "I win, so don"t fight me." That is no longer going to work.
As parents, we often appear to our children as threatening, and that causes our children to get their hackles up. We signal to them that we are being dominating without always knowing we are doing so. Children are very perceptive about such matters. We say, "Put your coat on; it"s time to go," and they interpret our "Put your coat on," to be a command. They react to being "told what to do" while we felt we were merely stating a fact. It"s like living with a hair-trigger. Boom-we"re met with resistance. Their resistance says, "Don"t tell me what to do."
If we follow the idea that for every action there is an equal and opposing reaction, we can choose behaviors that either intensify or de-intensify any given moment. If we get tense, they get tense. If we get calm, they get calm. Now that"s powerful information we can use to improve matters.
Let me show you how to improve the way you communicate with your children so that hair-trigger doesn"t go off on you. It"s estimated that only 7 percent of communication comes from verbal content and a whopping 93 percent comes from body language. Let"s look at improving both.
Body Language Have you ever seen a grizzly bear defending its berries? They use their body language to communicate their power and voraciousness. Th ey are trying to look threatening. Try to get in touch with your "inner grizzly bear" this week and notice things you do to subordinate your children and enhance your position of superiority over them.
Eliminate the following from your parenting repertoire: * Pulling them by the arm * Pulling them by the shirt collar * Taking them by the wrist instead of the hand * Towering over them to talk113.
* Touching their heads * Tousling their hair * Using a stern tone of voice * Using a loud voice * Crossing your arms or placing them on your hips * Tightening your face and jaw * Pushing them away * Smacking a reaching hand * Carrying them carpet style * Tapping your toe in impatience * Giving them the evil eye Then you can moderate your body language to show more good will and to communicate you seek peace by making these alterations.
INSTEAD OF:.
TRY:.
Yelling across the house Move right over to where your child is Speaking loudly Use a regular voice or speak even softer Using a baritone Speak in sweet soprano tones (not patronizing) Standing over them Squat down to eye level How much less of a warrior are you going to look if you come into your child"s bedroom and sit on the floor, lean back on the edge of the bed and get comfy with your arms resting over bent knees? Th ese are very gentle and relaxed statements that show you are present and calm. You can gesture for them to come join you by patting the fl oor beside you. Then you might put your arm around your child and ask about what she had in mind for getting the driveway shoveled as she had promised. Chances are you"ll elicit a more co-operative response than shouting up from the foyer, "Hey what"s the deal with the driveway? You said you"d shovel it!"
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The Power of Touch Once you have got a handle on choosing body language that projects the message that you are a friend not a foe, then you might try to incorporate some kind of touch. The experience of touching others releases endorphins in the brain that are actually more powerful than morphine. If you want to get relaxed and stop those fi ght-or-fl ee chemicals, let"s switch on the relaxing neural pathways.
You can rub your child"s back while you talk, clasp her hand in yours and rub your thumb gently over her thumb. Even a touch of the hand to the shoulder is very connecting and loving. Your touch doesn"t need to linger. Touch and release is still better than no contact at all. See if they"ll accept it ( if not that"s okay too). It"s so powerful.
In fact touch is so powerful a connector, that in controlled studies, it"s been shown that waitresses can actually increase their tips by as much as 7 percent by touching the patron on the shoulder for two to four seconds when delivering the bill to the table.
Gentle touch should help break the cycle of "bracing" ourselves to deal with our children, which sets up a "chicken-and-egg" scenario.
Which came first? Did you get your hackles up because your son walked towards the car with that specific strut he uses when something is bugging him? Or was your response brittle when he asked you to open the trunk to put his gym bag in? Who knows who sets off who fi rst, but you can decide to do your part in actively changing your body language to counter any possible confusion.
The Right Words While body language makes up the vast majority of our communication, we still can improve the 7 percent, which is the content of what we say. Often parents who have power issues with their children have a style of communication that is problematic. Here are the most common things to watch for:115.
STYLE OF COMMUNICATING.
EXAMPLE.
Blaming "Well, if you didn"t leave your bike on the driveway, this wouldn"t happen."
Criticizing "That"s not how you load the dish- washer; don"t put that gla.s.s there."
Humiliating "Why do you always have to be such a problem?"
Lecturing "I"ve had it with you; when are you gonna shape up? You don"t seem to get it, do you?
How many times do I have to go over this with you . . . ?"
Moralizing "You know, it"s not nice to be jealous of your sister. You"re better than that. You should go say sorry sorry."
Ordering "Bring me my purse; watch your brother; pick that up; put that down."
Judging "I think you could have done better. You don"t seem to care about your studies. You don"t seem to care about much, actually."