In times of conflict, we use our words as weapons. Th is artillery promotes aggression and that means the precious mutual respect that is required for co-operation goes right out the window.
" . . . respect is like air. If you take it away, it is all people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose-it is now about defending dignity."
-Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler in Crucial Conversations: Tools Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High for Talking When Stakes Are High 116 116 If we want to stay on topic and not get sidestepped into defending dignity, we have to watch our language content. It must be respectful.
Here are some communication rules and tools to use that maintain respect: 1. If you don"t have something nice to say, say nothing If you don"t have something nice to say, say nothing at all. at all.
I am not joking! I"ll continue to discuss how to incorporate positive communications in the chapters ahead, but at least let"s put a halt on some of that nasty stuff that we let slip out without much thinking. I"m pa.s.sionate about this advice.
Our words are such a huge contributor to discouragement.
In my first parenting cla.s.s, the instructor, Althea Poulos, gave us the following homework: "Don"t say anything negative to your children this week. Feel free to act if you need to; move them away from pushing the TV b.u.t.tons, or take something from their hands."
Who knew? I urge you to try this for yourself for one week. It"s like the breakfast cereal challenge: "See for yourself- in just one week."
As k instead of telling.
It"s more empowering to be asked than ordered around or reminded. Young children respond especially well to being asked. Th ey love giving you the answer, and then you can acknowledge them for knowing so much. Older children feel respected when you are approaching them with a curious inquiry rather than an accusation. Here are some examples:117.
Younger Children INSTEAD OF TELLING:.
TRY ASKING:.
It"s time to go to school.
Hey, what time is it? (That"s right! It"s time to go school. You really know our morning routine.) Clean up your toys.
What has to happen before we leave our play date? (Tidy up, that"s right. You are very polite company to have over.) Pick up your coat.
Where do coats need to be kept?
(On the hooks, that"s right. You sure help keep our house looking tidy.) Older Children INSTEAD OF TELLING:.
TRY ASKING:.
Turn off the TV; it"s homework time.
What"s your plan for getting your homework done?
Hey, get that garbage out!
What"s your strategy for dealing with the garbage this week?"
3. Acknowledge that you can"t force, and ask for a favor Acknowledge that you can"t force, and ask for a favor instead. instead.
It"s amazing how quickly you can dissolve a power struggle simply by communicating to your children that you do respect their power. If we let them know that we understand that we can"t make them, and instead request their a.s.sistance, they often become co-operative almost immediately.
It"s as if they are trying to say: "Thank you very much for honoring the fact that I do have the power to totally ruin your morning. Now that you realize my power, I am all too happy to volunteer myself to the cause. Just don"t mandate me!" Here are some examples: 118.
* "You"re right, I can"t make you hurry up this morning, but I do need a favor. Would you be willing to help your old man? I am worried about being late for my fi rst morning meeting at the office, and I could really use some help getting out the door on time. Can we do a quick scramble to get ready?"
* "I know I can"t make you clean up, but I"d sure be grateful if you could tackle getting a few of those puzzles picked up before lunch."
* "Would you be willing to help us out by bringing your plate to the counter? Th ank you!"
Describe what you see.
This one is so simple that everyone can put it into place immediately, and it will save you (and your kids) so much wasted time.
Instead of saying: "What is wrong with you? Are you a pig? Do you have no common sense? You left your towel on the bathroom fl oor, where it will become moldy. You have no respect for property, do you know that?" try: "I see a wet towel on the fl oor."
An observation (and nothing more) will prove far more effective than a lecture. One great catch-all phrase that falls into this category is, "I see you have a job to do." I recommend you try using this line whenever you see something that is the child"s responsibility to look aft er. Often our children will try to egg us on into a fight by doing something slightly destructive in order to provoke a reaction from us. But this reply shows we are not taking the bait, and we are not willing to fight. It also leaves the responsibility where it belongs: on the child. They know it; we don"t have to lecture.119.
So, if Chris dumps the dog"s bowl over, sending kibbles "n" bits across the entire kitchen, you can keep going about your business and comment, "I see you have a job to do." It"s the child"s job, not yours. So step over the kibbles, and don"t say anything more about them until they"re cleaned up. Th at means no nagging or reminding. However, when it"s time for a bath, dinner or a video, you can respond with "Yes!
. . . when you"re jobs are done." Your kids will catch on aft er only a few weeks that each time they create a mess, eventually they have to get around to cleaning it up. They will also cease using behaviors that involve making more work for them and pulling your chain.
Sa y it in a word.
I have a minimalist rule: Don"t say in 10 words what can be said in 5, and don"t say in 5 words what you can say in 1.
Cut through the verbiage and just get to it! Your children understand when you say things like: * "Hands." (As they approach the table for supper, they know that means "Wash your hands before supper.") * "Boots." (In the front foyer, after tobogganing, they know that means put wet boots on the mat.) 6.
Li ghten up.
Here is a law of life: You can"t be fighting and laughing with someone at the same time.
If you want to send a message of peace, try getting silly for a few moments. It will lighten the mood and make way for easier times ahead.
If Ray refuses to put on his boots, try putting his boot on your head. "Hey, Ray, do you think I look good in my new 120 hat?" Once you are both laughing together, the chances of the resistance ending and co-operation proceeding are greatly improved. If nothing else, it will cheer you up.
If we can get our body language and word content to be less domineer-ing, we are more likely to have our children respond non-defensively to us. However, the greatest tool for ending a power struggle is to stop pushing our agenda, and instead listen to our children"s points of view.
Listening Instead of Talking Brain researchers have confirmed that it is impossible to mult.i.task.
We can be attentive to one channel of thought only. Now yes, we can jump back and forth between two channels very quickly, but we can"t actually attend to two channels simultaneously.
When we are fighting, the feeling that we need to defend ourselves is so great it can make it impossible to listen to the other person.
As soon as he or she attacks, we stop listening and start composing our comeback.
Usually we tune out the other person and instead of listening we get our lips flapping and that usually means verbal a.s.saults that only make matters worse.
While I have offered some body language and talking tips, communication is not only about getting our message across; it"s also about receiving our children"s messages. It"s an exchange that includes listening.
Author Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Eff ective Families urges us to "seek first to understand and then be understood." That is generally a twist for parents, who feel they are wise and that children must be made to understand them: "If they only understood why I want them to eat the blasted salad at dinner, Chapter Five 121.
or put their coat on for school, they"d see my brilliance and this problem would be solved. I better keep convincing them."
However, if we want to offer the olive branch, we are going to have to show in words and actions that we are here to listen, not to push our agenda. That is how we will learn that our daughter would be happy to eat cooked vegetables instead of raw salad greens, and that Sam doesn"t want to wear a coat to school because it"s too bulky to run in at recess-he always loses at tag. It turns out, if Sam brings a coat to school, the teacher makes him wear it, but if he doesn"t bring one, she lets him go without. His friends without coats are winning at tag every day!
Just think of all the things you"ll learn when you start listening. If you can hold a place in your toolbox for the art of listening, we"ll discuss the how-to"s of it in the next chapter, but they certainly apply here, too.
P: Plow on Positively Part of what maintains a power struggle is our insistence on changing our child"s behavior. "Oh goodness," we tell ourselves, "life would be just fine, if you would only . . . (do something differently)."
If YOU would just eat.
If YOU would just do your homework.
If YOU would just pick up aft er yourself.
If YOU would stop forgetting.
If YOU would do something different-then this problem would go away. It"s all you, kiddo.
Boy, you"re really counting on your children. In fact, you"re actually dependent on them, because by your current way of thinking, your 122 children are the only ones able to change the situation. Not only do we have to shift the power, but we also have to shift our attention away from them, and back onto ourselves. What things can we be doing to influence the situation? It"s our job to manage our responsibilities and to stop micromanaging how others handle theirs.
Jenny is in Grade Four and is very forgetful. Everyday Mom has to check her backpack to make sure Jenny has her homework and agenda and lunch before going to school. Every day at pick-up time, Mom goes to Jenny"s locker and makes sure she hasn"t left anything behind and double-checks to see that she has brought her mitts and things home. Mom has to stay on Jenny"s case constantly to manage these things.
Th ey oft en fight about where things are and why Jenny is not more organized. Mom believes if she didn"t do it, Jenny could never remember.
Is it that Jenny can"t or won"t manage her things? Mom has made such a big issue out of Jenny and her disorganization that it has become a power struggle. To Jenny, looking after her things will feel like losing to Mom. If Mom drops the rope and no power dynamics are in play, Jenny could begin to make a change in her ways without feeling conquered. Mom can do this by changing her att.i.tudes and actions. When Mom realizes it"s a power struggle, then stops and re-a.s.sesses the situation, she sees it"s the responsibility of Jenny to do these tasks. Mom can let Jenny know this. "Jenny, I realize that I have been micromanaging your responsibilities with school, and I see now that it was disrespectful of me to think you couldn"t manage. From now on, I trust you to look after getting your things to and from school, and I won"t mention that again. I apologize for Chapter Five 123.
underestimating you." Now Mom"s actions are to stop rescuing and stop overstepping her boundaries. She"s showing faith in Jenny to figure out what she needs to do for herself. She is trusting Jenny to learn to manage her life. Mom"s responsibilities are to pick her up and drop her off at school. In the mornings, Mom can spend her time looking after her own duties of getting ready for the day and, yes, having a peaceful cup of coff ee.
Jenny will test. That"s to be expected. There may well be a few weeks of mistakes; perhaps there will be homework left at school, missing mittens and some other chaos. However, these are Jenny"s problems to figure out, and she will! Faced with a detention for not having work completed, and needing to keep her hands in her pockets for warmth when playing outside at recess, suddenly Jenny starts seeing the merits of paying extra attention to her responsibilities. It"s new to her, since Mom did these jobs before, but after some initial struggles she will get it. She"ll creatively find solutions to help her manage her responsibilities. All the while, she experiences a new reaction from Mom. Mom now believes in Jenny"s ability to fi gure things out for herself: "I am sorry you lost a few marks for your late a.s.signment. That must have been disheartening; I am sure you"ll fi gure it out for next time." Gee, now Jenny hears that her Mom thinks she is a pretty capable girl, and she likes that feeling. After a few weeks and slip-ups Jenny realizes that she manages her responsibilities well.
She is growing up! That is how Jenny will now feel capable-one of her Crucial C"s-rather than feeling demeaned by Mom and then proving her strength by yanking her mother"s chain.
Here is another example of plowing on positively: Every evening Dad screams at the boys to get ready for karate lessons. "We"ll be late! Let"s go!" They poke about and take 124 their sweet time, while Dad"s blood pressure is skyrocketing.
But wait just a minute. Whose activity is this? Th e boys".
Whose responsibility is it to be punctual then? Th e boys".
Dad"s responsibility is to pay for the lessons and to drive them. Dad can stop micromanaging the boys" responsibility of watching the clock and instead get on with the part of the job he agreed to: driving. Dad can let the boys know: "Karate is your activity, and I am willing to be the driver, but not the clock-watcher. Please call me when you are ready for me to drive you and I trust you"ll manage the rest."
With the responsibilities clearly defined, and Dad concerning himself only with his business, the fights stop and the boys learn to get themselves ready on time. Go fi gure.
Dexter (three years old) dawdles in the family room, resisting tuck-in time by acting like he can"t hear his mother at all. He just keeps playing with his trucks never looking up.
Mom waits at the doorway shouting, "Let"s go, Pokie! Come on, it"s late. I don"t want another bad tuck-in like last night.
You better come now. I don"t want this to end in tears." She sees she is in for another struggle and starts putting on her fighting armor-a terse tone, staunch body language and an inflexible non-humorous att.i.tude.
I bet you 10 bucks that tooth brushing and PJs are a nightmare to Dexter"s family. The opponents seem poised to fi ght. Instead of Mom being stuck waiting for Dexter who won"t follow her orders, she could simply announce her plans and get busy with her responsibilities: "Dexter, I am starting tuck-ins" and head upstairs herself.
Believe it or not, Dexter is more likely to scramble up after her than Chapter Five 125.
he is to lead the way, just because she has said it"s time for bed. Mom whistles her way merrily to Dexter"s room and calls down, "I am available for help with PJs if you"re interested." After a few moments she can move to the washroom. "It"s tooth brushing time-any tak-ers?" Finally, after a few minutes, Mom can leave the washroom, lay on Dexter"s bed and start reading Goldilocks and the Th ree Bears aloud. Once the story is over, Mom"s responsibilities are complete.
She goes downstairs to say to Dexter, "Tuck-in time is over; it"s time to be in your room. Can you come on your own, or do you need to be carried?" Then, if needed, Mom carries Dexter lovingly to bed, kisses him and leaves. He may choose to put on his PJs and brush his teeth, but that is up to him. There are no tuck-in stories or songs, because he chose to miss that part of the evening. That is his right.
The train was leaving the station and he didn"t get on board. He can choose differently tomorrow night. And don"t worry, he will.
THE ROPE IS DROPPED: NOW LET"S PROBLEM SOLVE The DROP model helps to disengage us from the fight. It"s not exactly a step-by-step process so much as a holistic, att.i.tudinal re-arrangement.
We can cease being the oppositional force that our child wants to rail against. When we are no longer trying to win, we can get into the deeper more constructive business of power shift ing through creating choices and solving problems.
Choice, Choice and More Choice "Which would you like? You decide!"
If you have choice, the power sits with you. The parent of a power-seeking child needs to be thinking all the time about how to help the child be more self-directed and self-determined. If we can keep up with this ever-changing target, we can avoid power struggles.
Heck, your children probably grew and developed just in the last 126 24 hours, but when was the last time you altered your viewpoint about them? We have to do a better job of moving responsibility and control over to our children on an ongoing basis. We can do this by expanding their choices. The more choices they have, the more empowered they are.
With choices, our kids will have the opportunity to say, "YES!
I decide for me," which helps counter their perception that we are trying to control them. Get those creative juices fl owing. Th ink about how you might add an element of choice in any situation.
I already hear your objection: "Well there is NO choice about brushing your teeth-that has to be done." I know we have to work towards getting teeth brushed, but the fi ghting, infl exibility and insistence on doing it your way (the only way, the right way) is creating resistance.
We can take that barricade down by offering choice and allowing the child do some decision-making. This stimulates the desire to choose tooth brushing. "The plaque eats away at our teeth, so we need to brush it off to keep our teeth healthy. . . . Would you like to brush first or shall I?" Here are some other suggestions: * "We need to brush for bedtime; do you want to do it before or after PJs are on?"
* "Do you want to brush with toothpaste? Or do you want to floss and rinse with an oral rinse?"
* "We need to keep the plaque from building on our teeth. I see I can"t make you brush, that is your decision, but if we want the freedom to eat foods that leave harmful stuff on our teeth, like milk and juice and sweets, then we have to be responsible for brushing if off . The other choice is not to eat those foods that hurt our teeth so we don"t have to worry so much about tooth decay. You decide."127.
Common Parenting Pitfall: Watch What they DO (not what they say) Children inform you of their decision by what they do, not by what they say. If your child tells you she will brush her teeth, but then doesn"t, she is making a decision. As she leaves the washroom, you can say, "I see you"ve decided no sweets tomorrow." Just be sure you stay firm and friendly in following through with the no-sugar day.
Firm means no sugar. Friendly means no lecturing about how if she had done what she was supposed to do. . . . When your child freaks on you because the next day she can"t have her fruit roll-up, simple empathize and say, "I am sorry you"re unhappy with your decision.
You can choose differently for yourself tonight."
Common Parenting Pitfall: Acting Like You Don"t Care (but secretly you want them to make your choice!) "Alyson, I tried that and it didn"t work. He didn"t brush or eat sweets for a month!" Here"s what I say to that: "A month! Wow, something is going wrong. If your child is still not brushing, or your toddler is still walking around in a p.o.o.py diaper, or what have you, THE POWER STRUGGLE IS STILL ON."
You can end the overt fighting but the two parties can still be locked in their positions unwilling to move and let the other win.
Somehow your child is still under the impression you want him to change and do things your way. Ask yourself if you are really being bi-partisan and friendly? Or do you sound more like this, "Are you going to brush your teeth tonight? No? Well, you know what that means, no juice for you tomorrow, missy. No whining to me about it. It"s your choice, not mine. I don"t want to hear about this tomorrow, do you understand?"
The idea of offering choice is to free children to decide, allowing them to experience the outcomes of their choices and understanding that with the absence of manipulation, they will most likely fall closely 128 in line and live co-operatively. If we insert our personal power into the exercising of choice, we muck it all up. I have yet to work with a child who has the goal of power who didn"t have a power parent.
You can find choice in any situation once you get good at it. Even a diabetic child who needs insulin shots will feel more in control of himself and the situation if given a choice. "Would you like to have your needle in the right or left thigh?" A youngster who doesn"t like taking her yucky-tasting medicine can be given the power to decide if she would like to order the bubble gum- or the banana-fl avored penicillin. She can decide if she would like to take it now or aft er her TV show is over. We help improve matters by injecting choice into sticky situations where co-operation is difficult and where power struggles typically erupt.
This is a power-shifting strategy. As our children grow and develop, they must take on more responsibility and control of their own lives. We need to keep expanding the choices they can make for themselves to help launch them into adulthood. Here is one simple example of expanding choice with age and ability: No Choice: No Choice: "Here is your sippy cup." "Here is your sippy cup."
Limited Choice: "Would you like apple or orange juice in your sippy cup?" "Would you like apple or orange juice in your sippy cup?"
Full Choice: "What would you like to drink?" "What would you like to drink?"