I sat still, breathing deeply.
She stood up out of the car, tall and strong. She went round to the pa.s.senger side, opened the door, and lifted out a brown cardboard box which she held in front of her, with both arms round it, as one holds groceries. I"d expected her to go straight round to the kitchen door, but she didn"t do that, she walked a few steps into the central chasm, looking up and around her as if with awe.
Malcolm noticed my extreme concentration, rose to his feet and put himself between me and the mirrors so that he could see what 1 was looking at. I thought he would be stunned and miserably silent, but he was not in the least.
"Oh, no," he said with annoyance. "What"s she doing here?"
Before I could stop him, he shot straight out of the playroom and said, "Serena, do go away, you"re spoiling the whole thing.*
I was on his heels, furious with him. Serena whirled round when she heard his voice. She saw him appear in the pa.s.sage. I glimpsed her face, wide-eyed and scared. She took a step backwards, and tripped on a fold of the black plastic floor covering, and let go of the box. She tried to catch it... touched it... knocked it forward.
I saw the panic on her face. I had an instantaneous understanding of what she"d brought.
I yanked Malcolm back with an arm round his neck, twisting and flinging us both to find shelter behind the wall of the staircase.
We were both still falling when the world blew apart.
Nineteen.
I lay short of the playroom door trying to breathe. My lungs felt collapsed. My head rang from the appalling noise, and the smell of the explosive remained as a taste as if my mouth were full of it.
Malcolm, on his stomach a few feet away, was unconscious.
The air was thick with dust and seemed to be still reverberating, though it was probably my concussion. I felt pulped. I felt utterly without strength. I felt very lucky indeed.
The house around us was still standing. We weren"t under tons of new rubble. The tough old load-bearing walls that had survived the first bomb had survived the second - which hadn"t anyway been the size of a suitcase.
My chest gave a heave, and breath came back. I moved, struggled to get up, tried things out. I felt bruised and unwell, but there were no broken bones; no blood. I rolled to my knees and went on them to Malcolm. He was alive, he was breathing, he was not bleeding from ears or nose: at that moment, it was enough.
I got slowly, weakly, to my feet, and walked shakily into the wide centre s.p.a.ce. 1 could wish to shut my eyes, but one couldn"t blot it out. One had to live through terrible things if they came one"s way.
At the point where the bomb had exploded, the black floor covering had been ripped right away, and the rest was doubled over and convoluted in large torn pieces. Serena - the things that had been Serena - lay among and half under the black folds of plastic: things in emerald and frilly white clothes, pale blue leg-warmers, dark blue tights; torn edges of flesh, scarlet splashes... a scarlet pool.
I went round covering the parts of her completely with the black folds, hiding the harrowing truth from anyone coming there unprepared. I felt ill. I felt as if my head were full of air. I was trembling uncontrollably. I thought of people who dealt often with such horrors and wondered if they ever got hardened.
Malcolm groaned in the pa.s.sage. I went back to him fast. He was trying to sit up, to push himself off the floor. There was a large area already beginning to swell on his forehead, and I wondered if he"d simply been knocked out through hitting the wood floor at high speed.
"G.o.d," he said in anguish. "Serena... oh dear G.o.d."
I helped him to his groggy feet and took him out into the garden through the side-door, and round past the office to the front of the house. I eased him into the pa.s.senger seat of Serena"s car.
Malcolm put his head in his hands and wept for his daughter. I stood with my arms on top of the car and my head on those, and felt wretched and sick and unutterably old.
I"d hardly begun to wonder what to do next when a police car came into the drive and rolled slowly, as if tentatively, towards us.
The policeman I"d looked through the windows with stopped the car and stepped out. He looked young, years younger than I was.
"Someone in the village reported another explosion..." He looked from us to the house questioningly.
"Don"t go in there," I said. "Get word to the superintendent. Another bomb has gone off here, and this time someone"s been killed."
Dreadful days followed, full of questions, formalities, explanations, regrets. Malcolm and I went back to the Ritz where he grieved for the lost child who had tried hard to kill him.
"But you said... she didn"t care about my money. Why Why... why did she do it all?"
"She wanted..." I said, "to put it at its simplest, I think she wanted to live at Quantum with you. That"s what she"s longed for since she was six, when Alicia took her away. She might perhaps have grown up sweet and normal if the courts had given you custody, but courts favour mothers, of course. She wanted to have back what had been wrenched away from her. I saw her cry about it, not long ago. It was still sharp and real to her. She wanted to be your little girl again. She refused to grow up. She dressed very often like a child."
He was listening with stretched eyes, as if seeing familiar country haunted by devils.
"Alicia was no help to her," I said. "She filled her with stories of how you"d rejected her, and she actively discouraged her from maturing, because of her own little-girl act."
"Poor Serena." He looked tormented. "She didn"t have much luck."
"No, she didn"t."
"But Moira ...?" he said.
"I think Serena made herself believe that if she got rid of Moira, you would go back to Quantum and she would live there with you and look after you, and her dream would come true."
"It doesn"t make sense..."
"Murder has nothing to do with sense. It has to do with obsession. With compulsion, irresistible impulse, morbid drive. An act beyond reason."
He shook his head helplessly.
"It"s impossible to know," I said, "whether she intended to kill Moira on that day. I wish we could know, but we can"t... she can"t have meant to kill her the way she did, because no one could know there"d be a slit-open nearly full sack of potting compost waiting there, handy. If she meant to kill Moira that day, she"d have taken some sort of weapon. I"ve been wondering, you know, if she meant to hit her over the head and put her in the car, the way she did you."
"G.o.d..."
"Anyway, after Moira was out of the way, Serena offered to live with you at Quantum and look after you, but you wouldn"t have it."
"But it wouldn"t have worked, you know. I didn"t even consider it seriously. It was nice of her, I thought, but I didn"t want her, it"s true."
"And I expect you made it clear in a fairly testy way?"
He thought about it. I suppose in the end I did. She kept on about it, you see. Asked me several times. Came to Quantum to beg me. I got tired of it and said no pretty definitely. I told her not to keep bothering me..." He looked shattered. "She began to hate me then, do you think?"
I nodded unhappily. "I"d think so. I think she finally believed she would never have what she craved for. You could have given it to her, and you wouldn"t. The rejection was ultimate. Absolute. Extreme. She believed it, as she"d never really believed it before. She told me she"d given you a chance, but you"d turned her down."
He put a hand over his eyes.
"So she set out to kill you, and finally to kill the house as well... to destroy what she couldn"t have."
I still wondered, as I"d wondered in New York, whether it was because I, Ian, had gone back to live at Quantum with Malcolm that she"d come to that great violent protest. I had too often had what she"d yearned for. The bomb had been meant as much for me as for Malcolm, I thought.
"Do you remember that morning when she found we weren"t dead?" I asked. "She practically fainted. Everyone supposed it was from relief, but I"ll bet it wasn"t. She"d tried three times to kill you and it must have seemed intolerable to her that you were still alive."
"She must have been... well... insane."
Obsessed... insane. Sometimes there wasn"t much difference.
Malcolm had given up champagne and gone back to scotch. The constant bubbles, I saw, had been a sort of gesture, two fingers held up defiantly in the face of danger, a gallant crutch against fear. He poured a new drink of the old stuff and stood by the window looking over Green Park.
"You knew it was Serena... who would come."
"If anyone did."
"How did you know?"
"I saw everyone, as you know. I saw what"s wrong with their lives. Saw their desperations. Donald and Helen are desperate for money, but they were coping the best way they could. Bravely, really, p.a.w.ning her jewellery. They thought you might help them with guaranteeing a loan, if they could find you. That"s a long way from wanting to kill you."
Malcolm nodded and drank, and watched life proceeding outside.
"Lucy," I said, "may have lost her inspiration but not her marbles. Edwin is petulant but not a planner, not dynamic. Thomas..." I paused. "Thomas was absolutely desperate, but for peace in his house, not for the money itself. Berenice has made him deeply ineffective. He"s got a long way to go, to climb back. He seemed to me incapable almost of tying his shoelaces, let alone making a time-bomb, even if he did invent the wired-up clocks."
"Go on," Malcolm said.
"Berenice is obsessed with herself and her desires, but her grudge is against Thomas. Money would make her quieter, but it"s not money she really wants, it"s a son. Killing Moira and you wouldn"t achieve that."
"And Gervase?"
"He"s destroying himself. It takes all his energies. He hasn"t enough left to go around killing people for money. He"s lost his nerve. He drinks. You have to be courageous and sober to mess with explosives. Ursula"s desperation takes her to churches and to lunches with Joyce."
He grunted in his throat, not quite a chuckle.
Joyce had been thanked by us on the telephone on the Sat.u.r.day night when we"d come back exhausted. She"d been devastated to the point of silence about what had happened and had put the phone down in tears. We phoned her again in the morning, i got Serena first," she said sorrowfully. "She must have gone out and bought all the stuff... I can"t bear it. That dear little girl, so sweet when she was little, even though I hated her mother. So awful awful."
"Go on, then," Malcolm said. "You keep stopping."
"It couldn"t have been Alicia or Vivien, they"re not strong enough to carry you. Alicia"s new boyfriend would be, but why should he think Alicia would be better off with you dead? And I couldn"t imagine any of them constructing a bomb."
"And Ferdinand?"
I really couldn"t see it, could you? He has no particular worries. He"s good at his job. He"s easy-going most of the time. Not him. Not Debs. That"s the lot."
"So did you come to Serena just by elimination?" He turned from the window, searching my face.
"No," I said slowly, i thought of them all together, all their troubles and heart-aches. To begin with, when Moira died, I thought, ike everyone else did, that she was killed to stop her taking half your noney. I thought the attacks on you were for money, too. It was the obvious thing. And then, when I"d seen them all, when I understood all the turmoils going on under apparently normal exteriors, I began to wonder whether the money really mattered at all... And when I was in New York, I was thinking of them all again but taking the money out... and with Serena... everything fitted."
He stirred restlessly and went to sit down.
It wouldn"t have convinced the police," he said.
"Nor you either," I agreed. "You had to see for yourself." We fell silent, thinking what in fact he had seen, his daughter come to blast out the kitchen rather than search it for a notepad.
"But didn"t you have any proof?" he said eventually, i mean, any real reason to think it was her? Something you could put your finger on."
"Not really. Nothing that would stand up in court. Except that I think it was Serena who got Norman West to find you in Cambridge, not Alicia, as West himself thought."
He stared. "Why do you think that?"
"Alicia said she hadn"t done it. Both West and I thought she was lying, but I think now she was telling the truth. Do you remember the tape from my telephone answering machine? Do you remember Serena"s voice? "Mummy wants to know where Daddy is. I told her you wouldn"t know, but she insisted I ask." That"s what she said. Alicia told me positively that she herself hadn"t wanted to know where you were. If Alicia"s telling the truth, it was Serena Serena who wanted to know, and she wanted to know because she"d lost us after failing to run you over. Lost us because of us scooting up to London in the Rolls." who wanted to know, and she wanted to know because she"d lost us after failing to run you over. Lost us because of us scooting up to London in the Rolls."
"My G.o.d," he said. "What happened to the tape? I suppose it got lost in the rubble."
"No, it"s in a box in the garage at Quantum. A few things were saved. Several of your gold-and-silver brushes are there too."
He waved the thought away, although he was pleased enough, i suppose Serena did sound like Alicia on the telephone. I sometimes thought it was Alicia, when she phoned. Breathless and girlish. You know. Norman West just got it wrong."
"She did call herself Mrs Pembroke," I pointed out. "Just to confuse matters. Or maybe she said Ms and he didn"t hear dearly."
"It doesn"t much matter." He was quiet for a while. "Although it was terrible yesterday, it was the best thing, really. We"ll grieve and get over this. She couldn"t have borne to be locked up, could she, not with all that energy... not in drab clothes."
On that Sunday morning also, we began telephoning to the family to tell them what had happened. I expected to find that Joyce had already told them, but she hadn"t. She"d talked to them all the day before, they said, but that was all.
We left a lot of stunned silences behind us. A lot of unstoppable tears.
Malcolm told Alicia first, and asked if she"d like him to come to see her, to comfort her. When she could speak, she said no. She said Serena didn"t kill Moira, Ian did. Everything was Ian"s fault. Malcolm put the receiver down slowly, rubbed his hand over his face, and told me what she"d said.
It"s very hard," he said, excusing her, "to face that you"ve given birth to a murderer."
"She helped to make her a murderer," I said.
I spoke to my four brothers and to Lucy. Malcolm told Vivien last.
They all asked where we were: Joyce had told them we were in Australia. In London, we said, but didn"t add where. Malcolm said he couldn"t face having them all descend on him before he was ready. By the end, I was dropping with fatigue and Malcolm had finished off half a bottle. Long before bedtime, we were asleep.
We went back to Quantum on Monday, as we"d promised the police, and found Mr Smith poking around like old times.
All physical signs of Serena had mercifully been taken away, and all that remained were the torn flaps of black plastic that hadn"t been near her.
Mr Smith shook hands with us dustily and after a few commiserating plat.i.tudes came out with his true opinions.
"Anyone who carries a fully-wired explosive device from place to place is raving mad. You don"t connect the battery until the device is where you want it to go off. If you"re me, you don"t insert the detonator, either. You keep them separate."
I don"t suppose she meant to drop it," I said.
"Mind you, she was also unlucky," Mr Smith said judiciously, it is possible, but I myself wouldn"t risk it, to drop ANFO with a detonator in it and have it not explode. But maybe dropping it caused the clock wires to touch."
"Have you found the clock?" I asked.
"Patience," he said, and went back to looking.